When the Loss Isnt Death H Norman Wright

When the Loss Isn’t Death H. Norman Wright

Who are you?

And, I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep in the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3: 17 -19

We will never find the outermost limits of Your love for us. Your love is immeasurable, inexhaustible, inescapable, irrepressible, insatiable, irrational. O Lord, my deepest desire is to know Your love through personal experience and, in my limited capacity, to be filled from Your unlimited resources until I am fully occupied by You. Ephesians 3: 17 -19, AMP

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.

I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead. Philippians 3: 7 -11

The Major Losses of Life 1. Real or Material Loss 2. Abstract Loss 3. Imagined or Perceived Loss 4. Relationship Loss 5. Intrapsychic Loss

The Major Losses of Life 6. Functional Loss 7. Role Loss 8. Systemic Loss 9. Threatened Loss 10. Ambiguous Loss 11. Disenfranchised Loss

Problems in Grief and Recovery Here are some of the problems in grief and recovery: Absent grief – There are no feelings of grief and mourning over the loss. It is as though the loss never occurred. A minimizer – Works to minimize the feelings, diluting the through a variety of rationalizations.

Problems in Grief and Recovery Conflicted grief – They exaggerate some of the characteristics of normal grief while suppressing other aspects that should also be present. The displacer is the person who takes the expression of grief away from the actual loss and channels the feelings in other directions.

Problems in Grief and Recovery Chronic grief – A person continues to show grief responses that were appropriate in the early stages of grief. Abbreviated grief – Can be mistaken for unresolved grief. It is a normal grief response but very brief.

Problems in Grief and Recovery We may also struggle with survivor grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “My life is a total loss without her. I feel like half a person. I cannot function without her. ”? This could reflect an excessive dependence that in turn leads to an avoidance of grieving. This person tries to void the reality of the loss because part of the loss seems to be himself.

The Purpose of Loss A. Loss can strengthen our faith. B. Loss can produce maturity. C. As we suffer we enter into the suffering of our Lord and become more Christ-like D. When you experience loss you will discover the extent of the comfort of God. E. God can use what you’ve experienced to help someone else.

A Biblical Perspective A Biblical perspective – Purpose of Loss “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance, “ James 1: 2, 3

What is Loss? Children’s Losses Here are some losses that we begin to encounter as children that have a counterpart in adult life: • Loss of a favorite toy • Dropping an ice cream cone in the dirt • Not receiving an anticipated gift • A friend starts playing with someone else

What is Loss? Children’s Losses • Parents decide to move away from the familiar neighborhood • A pet gets lost or dies • Divorce—Mom or Dad remarries • Being promoted to an advanced class and leaving your friends behind • A teacher leaving in the middle of the school year • A class mate dies • Sibling leaves home – Sibling returns home

What is Loss? Children’s Loss • Having your friends promoted to an advanced class and being left behind • Not making the Little League or soccer team • Not getting invited to a birthday party • Not getting a favorite teacher of your sibling

What is Loss? • • • A grandparent dies Gaining weight Discovering you were adopted Loss of innocence Losing a library book Catching the “tooth fairy” in the act

Your Own Loss History

“Through these past few months, I prayed many prayers and there were many prayers prayed on my behalf by family and friends. However, none of them seemed to have reached the ear of God. Then, one day when I was in my hour of deepest depression and isolation, I began to prayer a very simple prayer.

“Lord, You know my needs. All I ask is that You provide a single healing stitch to my heart once a day. I know that over time, while the scar in my heart will always remain, the healing can begin. ”

• “So, with the loss of my family as well as the man I had loved, every thread that had linked me to who I was had been abruptly cut. I felt as if I had simply floated off, untethered, to some unknown universe. ” • Me After You, Jo. Jo Moyes

A Description of Grief Sarah’s Suitcase My grief is like an old-fashioned hard-sided suitcase. It’s lined with silky faded burgundy material and little elastic pockets attached to the sides for storing small trinkets or precious items you would want to keep safe during your travels. For me, that captures the way we can carry our grief around with us.

A Description of Grief Sarah’s Suitcase Even when we think we have unpacked it completely, we can still find something surprising hidden away in one of those side compartments, maybe something we haven’t seen or thought about for years.

Listening to and Listening for Loss and Grief What do we miss or ignore? Consider the losses associated with the following: • divorce, separation, breakups, estrangement • disappearance, abandonment • acquired disability, functional limitations, and chronic illness • aging

The Senility Prayer God grant me the senility To forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Sometimes good health is not a blessing but a curse—What if you’re in good health and active and you’re 80 and your wife is deteriorating mentally with Alzheimer’s and what if most of your friends, your siblings and others that you know that you used to do things with are in deteriorating health or have died? Where does that leave you?

Listening to and Listening for Loss and Grief • mental disorders (e. g. , depression, anxiety, schizophrenia) • addictions (e. g. , gambling, drug abuse and dependence) • loss of capacity (e. g. , sexual dysfunction, infertility) • natural and human-caused or humanaggravated disasters (e. g. , Hurricanes Harvey and Irma, tsunamis, earthquakes, fires)

Listening to and Listening for Loss and Grief • job or career changes, unemployment and financial reversals (e. g. , bankruptcy) • loss of possessions or home (e. g. , foreclosure, homelessness) • relocation, immigration, and migration • incarceration • foster care, adoption, child welfare removal • miscarriage, stillbirth and abortion

Listening to and Listening for Loss and Grief • individual and family developmental transitions • oppression (e. g. , racism, ageism, homophobia) • violent loss (e. g. , abuse, war, genocide, suicide, murder, crime, rape) • cultural and historical trauma (e. g. , loss of language, homeland, self-rule, support structures) • status and role changes (e. g. , social class change, parenting role, provide role, overresponsible role)

Listening to and Listening for Loss and Grief • loss of fantasy and illusion (e. g. , divorced parents will reunite, mental illness will disappear, parent will nurture and protect, nothing bad can happen) • loss of assumptive role (e. g. , meaning associated with faith, life direction, core beliefs and worldview) • loss associated with identity or one’s sense of self (i. e. , Who am I now that this loss has occurred? )

How To Bathe A Cat • Please forward to cat lovers everywhere who, like myself, are very concerned about their hygiene. • Thoroughly clean the toilet. • Add the required mount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. • Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

How to Bathe A Cat • In one smooth movement, put cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so he cannot escape). • CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. • Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “powerwash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.

How To Bathe A Cat • Have someone open the door to the outside to ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. • Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. • The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The DOG

Primary and Secondary Losses A primary loss is a significant event. Secondary losses are those losses that are a consequence of a primary loss. • The death of a spouse may bring the following secondary losses:

Secondary Losses • • • friend provider handyman cook lover bill payer gardener laundry person companion

Secondary Losses • • confidante sports partner mentor checkbook balancer prayer partner mechanic source of inspiration or insight identity

Secondary Losses • • teacher motivator counselor business partner protector errand person organizer encourager

Secondary Losses • • in-law support couple’s class financial adjustment social adjustment feeling of safety tax preparer couple friends

Primary and Secondary Losses • Immigration may bring the loss of personal, social and cultural identity, as well as the loss of familiarity, place, safety, connectedness and shared history. • Menopause may bring the loss of identity, role and status. • Siblings of a kidnapped child may also lose trust in their parents’ ability to protect them and even lose the continuing presence and attention of an emotionally stable parent.

Primary and Secondary Losses • Job loss may bring a loss of financial security, family role, self-esteem, sense of future, and opportunity. • Loss of the family farm may mean a loss of face, a way of life, community, and even loss of family heritage. • Brain injury may bring a loss of purpose, intellectual capacity, quality of life, sexual function, capacity to love, and income/earning potential. • Childhood sexual abuse brings the loss of innocence, trust and control.

Complex Trauma What is complex trauma and what makes it different from other forms of psychological trauma? Complex trauma generally refers to traumatic stressors that are interpersonal, that is, they are premeditated, planned, and caused by other humans, such as violating and/or exploitation of another person.

Complex Trauma When trauma occurs within the family between family members or in other closed contexts that involve significant roles and relationships, it is usually repeated and can become chronic over time. Child abuse of all types (physical, sexual, emotional, and neglect) within the family is the most common form of chronic interpersonal victimization.

Primary and Secondary Losses • Imprisonment (loss of freedom) often brings loss of parenting role, relationships and hope. • Chronic illness may bring a loss of abilities, potentialities, and even identity. • The death of a child may bring a loss of faith, of parenting identity, and of presumed future.

Primary and Secondary Losses • Mental illness (e. g. , depression, schizophrenia) may bring a loss of control of emotions and/or cognitions, relationship loss, loss of a family role, perhaps loss of freedom, and loss of occupational or income earning future. • Retirement may bring a loss of status, identity, social connection, self-esteem, and financial security. • Generational Losses - Church

Grief Stacking A griever is forced to deal with several personal deaths within a few years.

The Losses of Life Ambiguous Grief Two Main Types - Variations Deployment - adoptee’s search for parents - MIA - The World Trade Center - strike - Alzheimer’s - abortion - childhood abandonment (physical & emotional) - the loss of childhood from physical and/or sexual abuse - chronic illness

Ambiguous Loss Ambiguous loss is the most devastating – Why? 1. The loss is confusing – doesn’t make sense and you can’t problem-solve. 2. You can’t adjust to the loss so the family freezes in place. 3. Family is denied the rituals that support a real loss. 4. It reminds you that life isn’t fair.

Disenfranchised Grief The grief that a person experiences when you incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned or socially supported.

Obscured Loss Obscured loss refers to longstanding, unaddressed and sometimes unrecognized losses contribute to client difficulties.

Stigmatized Losses may be labeled by some sociocultural groups, individuals, or families as particularly notorious or shameful events because they reveal some transgression of societal norms. These include: losses related to HIV/AIDS, suicide, violence (e. g. , homicide, genocide, and domestic violence), illegal activities, infidelity, divorce, sexual abuse, unemployment, homelessness, addictions and transgenderism.

Sudden, Expected or Gradual Loss Sudden loss circumstancesusually include natural disasters, accidental or random losses and sudden illness.

Sudden, Expected or Gradual Loss Gradual or expected loss circumstances such as hearing impairment, prolonged incapacitation (e. g. , dementia) or terminal illness, marital decline, loss of family farm or business, imprisonment, and planned relocation present unique challenges. Often gradual loss circumstances have cycles of recovery and decline that are emotionally and physically exhausting.

Cultural Loss In an immediate context, cultural loss refers to losses related to relocation, migration, or immigration.

Tribal Loss The losses of your culture: Example: Palestinian or Muslim or Native American Culture. Language loss

Tribal Culture We of the individual (e. g. , laundry lists of cultural characteristics. We sometimes lose sight of the individual and the differences that exist between and among people.

Tribal Culture For example, a woman who does not cry in grieving a significant loss, when viewed through the gender stereotype lens, may be judged a s avoidant, in denial, or cold-hearted when, in fact, her response may be entirely consistent with an emotionally reserved personality; a man of Asian background may be emotionally expressive despite the cultural stereotype of stoicism.

Tribal Culture Many people operate under the mistaken belief that grief ends. It changes more than it ends.

What about relief?

Write the Story of Your Loss Each Week Activating Losses – Briefly state your primary loss and all the secondary losses (losses that resulted from the primary loss). For example, loss of childhood, loss of identity, loss of security, loss of hope.

Write the Story of Your Loss Each Week Belief Directed at the Loss – What have you been telling yourself about these losses? Include what you told yourself at the time you became aware of the primary loss.

Write the Story of Your Loss Each Week Consequences – What feelings and behavior connected with these loses and these thoughts have you experienced? What physical reactions? What did you do or avoid doing?

Brief Homework Assignments to Promote Change Notice What Stays the Same Notice What is Helpful Notice What is Different Changing Unhelpful to Helpful Letter to Myself

Instructions for Writing a Wisdom Letter 1. Briefly tell the old story of how loss and grief influenced your life 2. What is the difference between the old story and the new story? 3. How did the changes between the old and the new story come about? 4. What do you do or say to yourself that allowed you to begin the changes in the new story?

Instructions for Writing a Wisdom Letter 5. What steps you did you take to get on track to changing things? 6. Since we know that grief never goes away (it changes), what do you do to manage those times when it threatens to take you back to the old story.

Instructions for Writing a Wisdom Letter 7. How do you think differently or behave differently now that you are attempting to live the new story? 8. What do you think is important for someone who is also grieving to know that will help them in their journey?

1. Draw a picture of your grief. 2. Draw a self-portrait of what you think you are like right now. 3. Draw a picture of where and how you see yourself in relation to your loss or your grief. 4. Draw pictures showing your relationships before and after this loss 5. Draw a picture that shows your feelings and thoughts (regarding this loss) today.

What To Do To Handle Losses 1. Try to identify what it is that doesn’t make sense to you about your loss. 2. Identify the emotions you feel during each day. 3. State the steps or actions you are taking to help you move ahead and overcome your loss. 4. Be sure you are sharing your loss and grief with others who can listen to you and support you during this time.

What to Do To Handle Losses 5. It may help to find a person who has experienced a similar loss. 6. Identify the positive characteristics and strengths of your life that have helped you before. 7. Spend time reading Psalms. 8. When you pray, share your confusion, your feelings, and your hopes with God.

What To Do To Handle Losses 9. Think about where you want to be in your life two years from now. 10. Become familiar with the stages of grief. 11. Remember that understanding your grief intellectually is not sufficient. It can’t replace the emotional experience of living through this difficult time.

Coping Questions 1. With all you have endured, how did you manage to get out of bed today? 2. With all you have been through, how did you manage to get yourself here to the session? 3. How are you managing to get through each day considering all that has happened? 4. How are you managing to get yourself to work (or class)?

Exceptions Questions Exceptions questions are used to discover times when clients are deliberately or spontaneously handling difficulties even to a small degree. These questions reveal ways in which clients can be in control of their problems rather than their problems controlling them (e. g. managing the grief rather than the grief controlling them).

Exceptions Questions 1. Tellme about times when the grief seems more manageable. 2. Tell me about times when you feel you are more a survivor, and less a victim of grief. 3. Tell me about the moments when you forget you’re grieving. 4. You mentioned that yesterday was a better day for you. What was different about yesterday in terms of managing all of this?