For This Reason Desire and Courtship The Christian

For This Reason Desire and Courtship The Christian Home Series Sermon # 4 Greg Gay

Back to the garden • Gen 2: 23 -24 • 23 And Adam said: • "This is now bone of my bones • And flesh of my flesh; • She shall be called Woman, • Because she was taken out of Man. " • 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Jesus and Paul • Matt 19: 4 And He answered and said to them, "Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning 'made them male and female, ' 5 and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? • Mark 10: 6 -7 6 But from the beginning of the creation, God 'made them male and female. ' 7 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, • Eph 5: 31 31 "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. "

Genesis: Forward looking statement • • • Questions appear to be: We see how the first marriage happened, what is the process going forward? How is this going to work? Will there be more Adams and Eves? Will God keep on miraculously creating men and women in the future. How is this to occur? ? ? • The Garden statement of how families are to be created is a statement of general truth for all three ages / dispensations of man: • It was originally spoken in the Garden of Eden in the Patriarchal age – in Adam’s Day • It was spoken again by Jesus – making it span the time of the law of Moses as was in effect when Jesus was here on earth. • It was recorded by Paul – during the Christian dispensation of time, during our day.

Therefore / For this reason • Mark 10: 6 -7 • 6 But from the beginning of the creation, God 'made them male and female. ’ • 7 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, • • • The words “for this reason” are there because of the creation of man and woman. Because there is a man And because there is a woman A man shall leave father and mother… This is the intended and expected natural consequence of the creation

Natural Law • Natural Law: The Natural Order of relationship – “according to nature” • 1 Cor 11: 14 -15 Nature teaches about masculinity and femininity • 14 Does not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a dishonor to him? 15 But if a woman has long hair, it is a glory to her; for her hair is given to her for a covering. • Ellicott's Commentary for English Readers: This [nature] may mean, either “the native inborn sense of what is seemly” as contrasted with revelation; or it may signify the ordinary and evident arrangement of things in creation. • New Living Translation paraphrases verse 14: Isn’t it obvious that it’s disgraceful for a man to have long hair?

Natural Law, continued • God’s Existence: Rom 1: 18 -23 Nature teaches “obvious” truths about the existence of God • 20 For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, • Appropriate Relationships: Rom 1: 26 -27 Relationships between men and women are “obvious” relationships that are in agreement with nature. These “natural use” relationships are anticipated and expected. • 26 For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. • 27 Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due.

Seeking a Wife • Mark 10: 7 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife • Leaving is motivated by the natural gift of desire • 1 Cor 7: 1 -2, 7 1 Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband… 7 For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that.

Gift of Self-Control, Gift of Desire • Own or Proper: Zodhiates comments: The word translated "his proper" in Greek is ídion hich means "his own. " Each man has his own gift from God. It refers to what is peculiar to one and possibly absent in others… [it] is something that pertains to a private person and not to the public… • Gift The word “gift” in our passage is the word “charisma. ” It is normally seen in connection with miraculous spiritual gifts of the first century, but that is not the case here. • Here the gift is of Self-Control. Willis in the Truth Commentary, “Here, whether or not one has the power to control his sexual desires is looked upon as a gift from God” pp 180. • What underlies the discussion about self-control? What is the reason for the self-control? The reason for self-control is another Gift that God gives to all: • The gift of Desire for intimacy is a naturally occurring characteristic of men and women. In other words, God made humans with the capacity for desire for intimacy. But, just as there are differences in everyone, so there can be differences in the amount of desire each possesses as well as differences in the amount of self-control each has with that desire. • Desire and Self-Control of that desire are gifts from God to each of us. • How we deal with those gifts, is up to us. We can respond in righteousness or we can respond with sin.

Getting married is a natural expectation • Note: in some cases, such as because of an unscriptural divorce, individuals are scripturally prohibited from being married, regardless of their gift of desire. • 1 Cor 14: 32 -33 32 And the spirits of the prophets are subject to the prophets.

However, marriage is not required • 1 Cor 7: 1 1 Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. • Unmarried – possibility of more focus on God’s service: • 1 Cor 7: 32 -33 32 But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord — how he may please the Lord. 33 But he who is married cares about the things of the world — how he may please his wife

Fulfillment of desire is a privilege, not a right • Gift of Desire is expected to be controlled and to find expression only in marriage. • 1 Cor. 7: 2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. • Reminder: Sexual intimacy is a privilege from God to be practiced lawfully. • Sex outside of the relationships God has approved is fornication and may be adultery if one of the parties is married to someone else. • Leviticus 17 & 18 describes the different types of forbidden relationships that are referred to as fornication in Acts 15: 19, 29. • Heb 13: 4 Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

When are we getting married?

That does not mean everyone is practicing abstinence

All religions are united on this, right?

Does today’s practices have any affect on our homes?

Marriage? How? • Arranged Marriages – approximately 50% of the world’s marriages • Mail Order Brides: in the late 1800’s • The Matrimonial News—a weekly published in San Francisco and Kansas City - 1870 s, ’ 80 s and ’ 90 s under its banner: “Women need a man’s strong arm to support her in life’s struggle, and men need a woman’s love. ” Estimates that during its three decades, the paper was responsible for some 2, 600 couples getting together. • Ads from the Kansas City edition in 1887: • Man’s Ad: “A gentleman of 25 years old, 5 feet 3 inches, doing a good business in the city, desires the acquaintance of a young, intelligent and refined lady possessed of some means, of a loving disposition from 18 to 23 and one who could make home a paradise. ” • Woman’s Ad: “I am fat, fair, and 48, 5 feet high. Am a No. 1 lady, well fixed with no encumbrance: am in business in city, but want a partner who lives in the West. Want an energetic man that has some means, not under 40 years of age, and weight not less than 180. Of good habits. A Christian gentlemen preferred. ”

Courtship • Here I am? • Fall asleep in a garden? • 4 th of July meeting strategy

Courtship • Courtship is the traditional dating period before engagement and marriage (or long term commitment if marriage is not allowed). It is an alternative to arranged marriages in which the couple or group doesn’t meet before the wedding. • During a courtship, a couple or group gets to know each other and decides if there will be an engagement. Courting includes activities such as dating where couples or groups go together for some activity (e. g. , a meal or movie). • Courting can also take place without personal contact, especially with modern technology. Virtual dating, chatting on-line, sending text messages, conversing over the telephone, instant messaging, writing letters, and sending gifts are all modern forms of courting.

Once Upon A Time… • As Robin Maxson describes in his work, Singleness, Marriage, and the Will of God: coauthored by Garry Friesen • “Once upon a time, not so very long ago, everybody understood what marriage was about. They knew how to go about getting married, and they knew what to expect once they were married. ” • “In the quest to find the right one, ” boys asked girls out. Guys were looking for Cinderella; girls were hoping for Prince Charming. They dated, fell in love, went steady, got engaged, and had a wedding… Just about everyone got married and did so before they were twenty-four years old. The husband went to work as the family breadwinner; the wife took over domestic responsibilities as a homemaker. They started having babies and raising a family. ”

Today’s Courtship • Maxson: While the dating culture…has not completely gone away, it has been joined by an alternate, new, much more contemporary pattern. • Maxson describes it as follows: Social historian Barbara Dafoe Whitehead calls it a “relationships system. ” It is marked by flexibility and lack of commitment. It accommodates “a variety of intimate pair-bonded arrangements, from marriage to living together to serial monogamy to sexual partnerings without any strings attached. ” The signature union of this alternative system is cohabitation, which may be viewed as a state-en- route to marriage, or a less-committed replacement… • Maxon continues: The punch line to our story is this: the environment in which contemporary single adults are making marital decisions is nothing less than chaotic…the business of marital decision making is probably more complicated today than it has ever been. • The traditional rules that used to provide moral guidelines and patterns for malefemale relations have been largely abandoned, and no accepted protocol for appropriate behavior has arisen in their place. The result is widespread confusion and frustration. ”

Back to the Bible • Suggested goal of dating / courtship: Our goal in courtship should be to end up with a marriage God can approve – one that fits the pattern God specifies • Solomon encouraged marriage. He said, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18: 22). The Contemporary English Version paraphrases to explain, “A man's greatest treasure is his wife-she is a gift from the Lord. ” • Eph 5: 25 -33 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her… 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Our Marriages: defined by love and respect • 1 Cor 6: 18 -20 18 Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. 19 Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? 20 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's. • 1 Thess 4: 1 -8 New Century Version 4 Brothers and sisters, we taught you how to live in a way that will please God, and you are living that way. Now we ask and encourage you in the Lord Jesus to live that way even more. 2 You know what we told you to do by the authority of the Lord Jesus. 3 God wants you to be holy and to stay away from sexual sins. 4 He wants each of you to learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable. 5 Don't use your body for sexual sin like the people who do not know God. • 6 Also, do not wrong or cheat another Christian in this way. The Lord will punish people who do those things as we have already told you and warned you. 7 God called us to be holy and does not want us to live in sin. 8 So the person who refuses to obey this teaching is disobeying God, not simply a human teaching. And God is the One who gives us his Holy Spirit.

Where do we find a mate? • • • • 1960’s 1 Through Friend 2 Through Family 3 Primary or Secondary School 4 Bar or Restaurant 5 Through Co-worker 6 Party 7 Military 8 Through Neighbor 9 Customer-Client Relationship 10 College 11 Blind Date 12 Church • • • • 2010’s 1 Met Online 2 Through Friend 3 Bar or Restaurant 4 Through Co-worker 5 Party 6 Through Family 7 Primary or Secondary School 8 College 9 Volunteer Organization 10 Customer-Client Relationship 11 Church 12 Through Neighbor

Resources: Focus on the Family • Questions to ask yourself: • Am I ready for a relationship? Are there issues I need to address in my own life first? • Have we shared enough varied experiences to know what each other is like? Have you seen him when he’s hungry or tired? Have you seen her around ministry opportunities? • What do family and friends say about our relationship? (This isn’t foolproof, but being open to wise input is one of the smartest actions you can take into a relationship. ) • Is there enough commonality in our relationship? (I’m not talking about differences in personality — often, opposites do attract. I’m talking about your faith, beliefs, commitments, and values. ) • How does my friend relate to others? Is she respectful? Is he compassionate? • Is our relationship one-sided — one always giving, one always taking? • Are there deeper issues in my friend’s life that need to be addressed, but simply get avoided? • Am I romantically attracted to my friend? (Though it’s not the leading element of a successful marriage, romance is a gift from God. ) • Am I feeling pressured to move forward in our relationship by my friend, others or my own expectations? • Are there issues in our relationship that need to be resolved first if we are to move forward? • Does our relationship draw me closer to Christ? • Could I be content if I were to remain single?

Resources: Finding the Love of your Life

Resources: Finding the Love of your Life 1. Eliminate the seven most Prevalent Causes of Faulty mate selection 2. Develop a clear mental image of your ideal spouse 3. Find a person to love who is a lot like you 4. Get yourself Healthy before you get married (Spiritually & Emotionally) 5. Find a love you can feel deep in your heart & express it carefully (mainly physical & emotional chemistry, these are important too)

Resources: Finding the Love of your Life 6. Let Passionate love mature before you decide to marry (make sure of your true feelings, don't be hasty to get married when the curve is going up and down) 7. Master the art of intimacy…[ should not include sex before marriage gg] sharing deepest thoughts, feelings, dreams, fears and joys… 8. Learn how to clear conflict from the road of love (avoid Arguments that end up causing offence & learn the art of forgiving) 9. Refuse to proceed until you can genuinely pledge your lifelong commitment (make sure that each of you is now ready to perform all his roles & duties towards the other) 10. Celebrate your marriage with the full support of family and friends (Those people who truly love you and care for your happiness, remember they will definitely have a great impact on your thoughts and feelings & will support you in hard times)

Resources: Two Essential Questions • Are you going in the same direction? • A Christian who desires a healthy, fruitful relationship with God has no business dating someone who doesn’t care about following Christ wholeheartedly. • Are there godly people around you? • A couple in isolation is a couple in danger, so surround yourselves with godly men and women who care about you and care about Jesus.

Am I willing to prepare my heart as much as I prepare my appearance?

Start with our hearts – ladies: • 1 Peter 3: 1 -6 3 Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. 3 Do not let your adornment be merely outward — arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel — • 4 rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. 5 For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.

Start with our hearts – men: • Ps 119: 9 -11 • 9 How can a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to Your word. • 10 With my whole heart I have sought You; Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments! • 11 Your word I have hidden in my heart, That I might not sin against You.

Start with our hearts – men and all of us: • 1 Cor 16: 13 -14 ESV 13 Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. 14 Let all that you do be done in love. • Zodhiates. "Act Like Men" …to behave as a man with the wisdom and courage of a mature person as opposed to a baby… By using the verb ndrízesthe Paul is telling the Corinthians to be and act like mature men who have the physical and mental ability to be victorious in the struggles and battles of life. We will reach our goal if we act like men and not babies. • 1 Cor 14: 20 20 Brethren, do not be children in understanding; however, in malice be babes, but in understanding be mature.

Some questions to ponder if getting to know someone and it might lead to more - Have I, Have they = “we”… • • • Have we put away childish things 1 Cor. 13: 11, 1 Cor 14: 20 How are we at practicing self-control in all areas of our lives? Col 3: 5 -8 Are we content to avoid sexual immorality, to wait till we marry for intimacy? 1 Cor 7: 1 -2 How is the atmosphere of our parent’s home, just as place in which to relax. It is full of tension, bickering, etc, or is it as comfortable as an old shoe and a place where people laugh easily and are loving and kind. How do the family members treat one another. Do all show respect for one another, but especially for the mom and dad? Eph 6: 1 -2 How do we treat individuals who serve us (restaurants, convenience stores, etc. ) are we courteous, saying please and thank you rather than being demanding? Titus 3: 2 How are we in situations of anger? Do we explode out of control or can we be angry without sin? James 1: 19 -20, Eph 4: 26 How are we at forgiveness, true kindness that goes beyond the excitement of the moment in the relationship. Eph 4: 32 Can we turn bad situations over to God after doing all we can or are we out to get vengeance at any cost? Yes, that would include road rage. Rom 12: 17 -21 Are we a child of God, or a child of Satan (Transformed or Conformed – Rom 12: 2).

How to find a mate: suggestions • Don’t hunt, be a friend. • Prov 18: 24 A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother • Jamieson, Fausset, and Brown: A man (that hath) friends (associates) must show himself friendly (social): and there is a friend, (a loving friend) (that) sticketh closer than a brother. Friendships must be cherished by mutual conversation and kindnesses, without which their beginnings are soon dissolved. 'If you wish to be loved, love' (Seneca). He who is friendly will have friends. There is no feeling which more exacts reciprocity than love. • Other translations render this verse differently: Prov 18: 24 ESV English Standard Version • A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. • James Smith comments: This is about “Focused Friendship. ” “A man of friends” signifies one who indiscriminately multiplies his friends. Some of those “friends” will do him harm and bring him to ruin. It is the quality of friendship, not the quantity of “friends” which is important. The [friend that sticks closer than a brother] is a special friend who can always be counted on in time of trouble” pp 598.

Be a Friend • From that circle of carefully chosen friends, can usually come sufficient shared values and attractors to find a life-long mate. • Be a friend, genuinely a friend, every time, no matter who else is around. • Be willing to speak first to make new friends. Find a Barnabas to introduce you to a new circle wherever you go (Acts 9: 7) You can have lifelong friends all over the brotherhood that way! • Be friendly to all – do not be respecter of persons. Some will be a friend when no one else is around, but really rude when they are. That is not a friend. • Don’t be the person who has to talk bad about others to have people listen to you • Don’t compromise your relationship with God in seeking friends • Be among God’s people often: worship every opportunity – visit often, practice hospitality – everywhere your values are not at risk.

Be a Friend • Be pleasant & fun, but uncompromising in your values. • Be current enough on what is going on in the world so you can carry on an intelligent conversation about current events. Not to be controversial, but so you can be conversational. Have something to talk about. People have amazing interests – find one for yourself. Find out what others enjoy. • Be willing to listen more than talk • Be a spiritual person and have a sense of humor • Be respectful of authority – law, church leaders, parents

Be a Friend • • • Be forgiving when hurt Be persistent in pursuing goals that are in keeping with God’s values Own your talents, but not with pride Own your mistakes, but not with whining Show love for God in every relationship. • Respect your self, your intellect, your personality, your body. Your nakedness belongs to God and your spouse, not your boyfriend or girlfriend (1 Cor. 7: 4). Be appropriately careful in how you dress. Don’t be deceived by your peers and by the fashion industry into thinking that exposing your body inappropriately will bring greater success in finding a faithful Christian spouse.

96% of us do eventually get married

Conclusion: • Gentlemen: Yes, you are a man, but are you a Godly man? Are you mature enough for marriage? • Ladies: Yes, you are a woman, but are you a Godly woman? Are you mature enough for marriage? • More to come, Lord willing, in future lessons.