The Grieving Process Module Three University of Phoenix

The Grieving Process: Module Three University of Phoenix Tony Aponte December, 2005 Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

Grief ¨ Grief is our natural reaction to our loss. These reactions cover a wide and confusing range of emotions. Experts try to list "the stages of grief" so we can better understand the process. But there is no real order to the grieving process. Like a collection of reactions that overlap one another, grief does not proceed in an orderly fashion any more than life itself does. (Shah, N. 2002) Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

Stages of grief ¨ It comes in a number of stages. It is helpful to know that many others have experienced the same stages as you. You are not alone. However each of these stages may be experienced in different ways as grief differs based on who we are, whom we have lost, and how much our day-to-day life is altered by the death. The severity with which we feel the loss may or may not determine the period of grieving. There may be healthy and unhealthy way of expressing each of these stages. (Shah, N. 2002) Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

Shock The initial emotion that one feels is a feeling of shock and total astonishment. We are unable to fathom the true impact of what has happened. The body’s natural defence mechanism kicks in whenever we go through such a negative state change. You may even feel a certain numbness throughout your body. Shock can go on for a matter of minutes or a matter of days. (Shah, N. 2002) Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

Children and shock ¨ Children are particularly vulnerable during the shock stage. ¨ They may be confused, dazed, withdrawn or simply numb. ¨ Children may not have the words to describe what they are experiencing. ¨ Children, like adults, need time to process the situation. Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

Helping children in shock ¨ Safety is the most important ¨ ¨ thing you can provide at this time. Children need a secure, quiet place to recover. Do not overwhelm the child with words at this time, just sit quietly and allow them to initiate any conversation. Use reflective listening and repeat what they say. Do not rush to offer advice, just allow them to work the situation out for themselves. Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

Denial ¨ Closely followed by shock we soon go into denial. We simply cannot believe what has happened so we go to thinking that nothing has happened. Many times people may manifest denial by simply doing what they would in their normal routine or they may greet people in a gregarious way as if nothing has happened. Others may fall into the trap of drugs, depressants or alcohol to numb their pain. Only when we face the reality are we able to progress on our journey. (Shah, N. 2002) Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

Children and denial ¨ It is difficult for people in denial to realize they are in denial. ¨ Children have limited experience with the process of grief and have fewer experiences look back upon. ¨ Children’s reality is not the same as adults, it is a mixture of fantasy and reality and is not based entirely upon fact. ¨ Since other people around the child are also grieving, the child’s emotional needs may not be met during this stage, especially if they appear to be handling things well. Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

Helping children in denial ¨ It is important to help children identify feelings. Art, music and stories are good way to start. ¨ It is important not to put a value judgment on any particular feeling. ¨ Remember the child may be moving back and forth between the denial stage and the shock stage, and may still be numb to feelings. Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

Anger and Guilt ¨ A reaction of anger comes from feelings of unfairness, abandonment, or feeling powerless attached with your loss. You may associate these feelings with yourself, others or even the deceased. For example some bereaved may feel angry with the deceased for leaving them in ‘a mess’. Anger is a very powerful emotion and some people may have been using this in other areas of their life to gain certainty and control. (Shah, N. 2002) Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

Anger and Guilt (cont. ) ¨ Some people feel less anger and more guilt. You feel guilt generally when you feel that you have violated your own standard or feel that you have let others down in some way. I have found asking a lot of questions such as, “If only I had left earlier this would not have happened” manifests guilt in the form of self-blame. Some survivors feel guilty for surviving, they feel that they too should have perished with the others or perhaps taken their place. Guilt manifests itself in many ways. (Shah, N. 2002) Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

Children, anger and guilt ¨ Children have few acceptable outlets for anger and rage. ¨ Children may have been taught that these feelings are bad and should not be displayed. ¨ Children may strike out at those people closest to them, even if the anger and rage is directed at something or someone else. Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

Helping children experiencing anger and guilt ¨ Allow children to display a full ¨ ¨ range of emotions and identify the name of the emotions they display. Provide a safe place for the child to express anger, allow the child to hit pillows or soft objects. Stay with the child during the rage episodes, but limit your speech until it is over. Once the episode is over, begin by talking about the child’s feelings and reassure them that you still love them. Empower the child by jointly brainstorming positive ways to redirect rage. Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

Depression ¨ When one begins to feel overwhelmed by what has happened and feel hopeless, then we progress to depression. We come to realize the extent of our loss and we usually begin to cocoon ourselves from various social interactions. It can be one of the most difficult phases to undergo. (Shah, N. 2002) Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

Children and depression ¨ Children learn most through social interactions. ¨ Depression limits a child’s desire to interact with others, jeopardizing the learning process. ¨ Depression may require professional counseling or medication to overcome. Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

Helping children in depression ¨ Provide fun, non-threatening experiences for children, such as finger painting, or other activities that focus on the process not the product. ¨ Focus on individual activities as opposed to group outings, provide the child lots of one on one attention. ¨ Progressively add other children into the activities and help the child create new bonds. Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

Acceptance ¨ For many the final stage of the grieving process is acceptance of our loss. We come to terms with the loss. We are ready to move on with our lives. We are ready to progress to a phase of reflection and renewal. This does not mean that we may never feel elements of grief ever again. This does not also mean that we will have come to accept the nature by which the loss came into being. (Shah, N. 2002) Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

Children and acceptance ¨ Children are fairly resilient, and can bounce back from tragic situations. ¨ Children may revisit some of the stages in the grief process if a conversation or event triggers a memory. ¨ Children need to regain a sense of self, a sense of normalcy and a sense of control. Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

Helping children with acceptance ¨ Provide children with new experiences and build upon previous experiences. ¨ Begin to empower the child by allowing the child to make many controlled choices throughout the day. ¨ This is the right time to introduce behavior charts with young children (if necessary) as they are in more control of their own actions. Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

Empowerment ¨ Empowerment is a step beyond acceptance. Your loss is integrated as a part of your identity. It is integrated in a way that drives you forward. It cultivates within you a newfound hunger for life; an appreciation of what life has to offer. It is a period of transformation that allows you to live a more loving and fuller life. It helps you take any new adversity in your stride. With this empowerment comes a gift of rejuvenation and a clarity of purpose. Empowerment allows you to find something that is of greater value than your pain. When you discover this you will abandon the pain. (Shah, N. 2002) Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

Children and empowerment ¨ When children feel empowered, they are more willing to try new things and take risks. ¨ Children who feel empowered are better able to deal with daily setbacks. ¨ Children who feel empowered are able to empathize with others to a greater level and serve a support system for others. Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

Helping children during empowerment stage ¨ Support the child’s efforts and ventures. ¨ Remain a support person for the child and remain an active listener. ¨ Increase opportunities for the child to develop autonomy. ¨ Encourage the child to serve as a support system for other children in grief. Tony Aponte, copyright 2005

This is the end of module three, please continue to resource page three. References Shah, N. (2002) A Powerful New Way to Handle Grief, Bereavement, Divorce and Loss Tony Aponte, copyright 2005