Family Life Ministry Teaching Series Effective Parenting Foundational

Family Life Ministry Teaching Series – Effective Parenting Foundational Principles of Family Leadership (Part 1)

Parenting & Leadership Skills �A key contributing factor to failed parenting is poor leadership skills in a family � Leadership skills must be considered a foundational element of success in parenting � Text: � Psalm 11: 3 [KJV] 3 If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do?

Foundational Principles of Family Leadership Questions/Focus of Teaching: 1. Why leadership? 2. What is leadership? 3. Who is a leader? Ø In the context of a family, who is a/the leader? 4. 5. 6. Why is it necessary to understand leadership principles in the family context? Are leaders born or made? Ø Can leadership be learned? How can I be an effective leader in my home?

1. Why Leadership? � In every organization, there is the need for some one/people to take the lead in charting the course for the group to arrive at the desired place in destiny (achieve desired end, results or outcome) � Everything rises and falls on leadership! ◦ Success or failure is a function of the quality of leadership available in any organization � As a parent, the #1 organization you are called to and accountable to lead is your family

1. Why Leadership? � ACCOUNTABLE! ◦ Because parenting is an assignment you can’t delegate! �Not to the school; Not to the church; Not to the society �Not to anyone else! � You will give account someday…there is a consequence (positive or negative)!. . . we will see this scripturally shortly… ◦ Colossians 4: 17 And say to Archippus, Take heed to the ministry which thou hast received in the Lord, that thou fulfil it. ◦ Ministry = Assignment = Homework �You will have to return with the result of your homework (right? ) ◦ Parenting is an assignment = Our children belong to God �Psalm 127: 3 Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD and the fruit of the womb is his reward

Eli’s Example of Parenting Consequence 1 Samuel 2 (King James Version) � � � 12 Now the sons of Eli were sons of Belial; they knew not the LORD. 20 And Eli blessed Elkanah and his wife, and said, The LORD give thee seed of this woman for the loan which is lent to the LORD. And they went unto their own home. 21 And the LORD visited Hannah, so that she conceived, and bare three sons and two daughters. And the child Samuel grew before the LORD. 22 Now Eli was very old, and heard all that his sons did unto all Israel; and how they lay with the women that assembled at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. 23 And he said unto them, Why do ye such things? for I hear of your evil dealings by all this people.

Eli’s Example of Parenting Consequence 1 Samuel 2 (King James Version) � � � 24 Nay, my sons; for it is no good report that I hear: ye make the LORD's people to transgress. 25 If one man sin against another, the judge shall judge him: but if a man sin against the LORD, who shall intreat for him? Notwithstanding they hearkened not unto the voice of their father, because the LORD would slay them. 27 And there came a man of God unto Eli, and said unto him, Thus saith the LORD, Did I plainly appear unto the house of thy father, when they were in Egypt in Pharaoh's house?

Eli’s Example of Parenting Consequence 1 Samuel 2 (King James Version) � � 28 And did I choose him out of all the tribes of Israel to be my priest, to offer upon mine altar, to burn incense, to wear an ephod before me? and did I give unto the house of thy father all the offerings made by fire of the children of Israel? 29 Wherefore kick ye at my sacrifice and at mine offering, which I have commanded in my habitation; and honourest thy sons above me, to make yourselves fat with the chiefest of all the offerings of Israel my people? ◦ “Ye” = Eli was been addressed, not his sons! ◦ Was he the one acting wrongfully? ◦ Why was he the one that was receiving the judgment?

Eli’s Example of Parenting Consequence 1 Samuel 2 (King James Version) the LORD God of Israel saith, I said indeed that thy house, and the house of thy father, should walk before me for ever: but now the LORD saith, Be it far from me; for them that honour me I will honour, and they that despise me shall be lightly esteemed. � 31 Behold, the days come, that I will cut off thine arm, and the arm of thy father's house, that there shall not be an old man in thine house. � 30 Wherefore

Eli’s Example of Parenting Consequence 1 Samuel 2 (King James Version) � � � 32 And thou shalt see an enemy in my habitation, in all the wealth which God shall give Israel: and there shall not be an old man in thine house for ever. 33 And the man of thine, whom I shall not cut off from mine altar, shall be to consume thine eyes, and to grieve thine heart: and all the increase of thine house shall die in the flower of their age. 34 And this shall be a sign unto thee, that shall come upon thy two sons, on Hophni and Phinehas; in one day they shall die both of them.

Lessons from Eli’s Negative Consequence � When the judgment or blessing (of our parenting assignment) is delivered for the actions and/or outcomes of our children, God will address the judgment or blessing to us as parents not to them! � They will receive “signs”, but the consequences will be beyond them and impact all the family � Parenting is an assignment with serious requirements/expectation and of great consequence!

1. Why Leadership? � The outcome/destiny of every organization is at the mercy of the quality of leadership it enjoys per time! � The outcome/destiny of your family (where you & your children will end up) is a the mercy of your leadership ability as a parent! � As a parent, if your skills as it relates to leadership is poor the outcome/destiny of your family is in jeopardy (at risk)!

2. What is Leadership? � Most people define leadership a the ability to achieve a position � They equate title(s) to leadership, therefore, they go after a position, rank, or title � Upon award of the title, they think they have become a leader…this is entirely wrong! � Leadership is the ability to obtain followers.

3. Who is a Leader? In the context of a family, who is a/the leader? � If you have a title and those you are supposed to be leading are unwilling to intentionally follow your lead and act on your vision, you are not their leader! ◦ Eli’s children did not follow his direction, so he was not their leader! � In the family setting, most men refer to themselves as the “head of the house”… � But are not able to get their family members to follow their direction, so they become dictators and create an hostile environment in their home in order to establish authority

3. Who is a Leader? In the context of a family, who is a/the leader? � You hear some of such men say things like: ◦ “I am the head of this house!” � Some even quote scriptures (Eph 5: 22 -23) saying: ◦ “For the husband is the head of the wife…” ◦ “Wives, submit yourself to your own husbands…” � The emphasize the words head & submit intending to use it to qualify their title & power as the leader in their home/family � “Being in power is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t. ”—Margaret Thatcher

3. Who is a Leader? In the context of a family, who is a/the leader? � The truth is that such men are not the leader in their home! � The title of “husband” or “dad”, “mother” or “mum” does not automatically confer on you the powers of leadership � It simply buys you the opportunity to exercise proper influence in your home in order to earn the right to be the leader � As parents, YOUR BEST INVESTMENT IN THE FUTURE IS TO BE A PROPER INFLUENCE TODAY!

3. Who is a Leader? In the context of a family, who is a/the leader? � Leadership is influence—no more, no less! � Titles don’t have much value when it comes to leading. � The only thing a title can buy is a little time, either to increase your influence or to erase it! � Leadership � It's is about influencing people to follow! not the position that makes the leader, it's the leader that makes the position!

4. Why Teach Leadership in the Family Context? � � The future of every family is 80% dependent on the quality of leadership exhibited by the parents today and even among the children Your impact as a parent regardless of how good it may look today is only a fraction of what it could be with good leadership Many can see the need for leadership in the context of churches, workplace, government, etc. but fail to connect that the family is also a functional organization requiring good leadership All the same principles of leadership required in any organization (small or large) apply in the family setting, and if applied will positively impact the outcome/destiny/results/end of any family

Are leaders born or made? - Can leadership be learned? � � True leadership cannot be awarded, appointed, or assigned! It comes only from influence, and that can’t be mandated. It must be earned! Although some individuals are endowed with certain qualities/personality that makes it easier for them to function easily as a leader, the fundamental principles of effective leadership can be learned Even such gifted leaders must understand the underlining principles of leadership, and continually improve on their leadership skills to maintain their placement as leaders and make the most of their natural gifting

The Foundational Principles of Family Leadership I don’t want my family to end up with such judgment as Eli’s, How can I be an effective leader in my home?

Principle #1: Build an Altar, Be The Priest! � What do your children see when they look at you? � When they are not with you, what picture is in their mind when they think on you? ◦ Is it the image of a priest for the family? � Joshua 24: 15 � And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.

Principle #1: Build an Altar, Be The Priest! � You need to take the lead spiritually at home! ◦ As parents, our example of dedication to God should be apparent in our homes � It is absolutely important to pray for & with your children regularly ◦ Declare God’s promises/blessings over their life ◦ Even if what you see is not what you desire, speak to their destiny and future (they will live/rise up to your expectation)

Principle #2: Focus on Character Development not Image Building! � “No man climb out beyond the limitations of his own character. ” - John Morley � Proverbs 20: 7 (AMP) � 7 The righteous man walks in his integrity; blessed (happy, fortunate, enviable) are his children after him. � Image promises much and produces little, but character/integrity never disappoints!

Principle #2: Focus on Character Development not Image Building! � "The true measure of a man's character is what he would do if he would never be found out" Thomas Macauley � Character makes trust possible. And trust makes leadership possible! � Are you the same person on the outside/public as you are on the inside/private? ◦ That is what it means to live a life of integrity!

Joseph’s Destiny was Determined by Character! � Genesis 39: 9 -10 (CEV) - Joseph and Potiphar’s Wife � 9 No one in my master’s house is more important than I am. The only thing he hasn’t given me is you, and that’s because you are his wife. I won’t sin against God by doing such a terrible thing as this. ” 10 She kept begging Joseph day after day, but he refused to do what she wanted or even to go near her. � Joseph was more concerned about sinning against God than having man’s approval…no man would have seen him, but he knew God will ◦ He focused on building/maintaining his character than man’s approval

Principle #2: Focus on Character Development not Image Building! � Are your words in congruence with what is in your heart or are you trying to deceive those around you and essentially living a double life? ◦ Be sure of this - you can’t hide it from your children! � Be rest assured that your lack of integrity/character will eventually find you out � No matter how long the truth will always find a way to come out, if you are found to have lacked integrity you will become incredible and loose your influence and associated leadership!

Principle #3: Institute a Culture of Discipline � Enforce family rules and do what you say you will (including fulfilling your promises) � Proverbs 1: 32 ◦ For the turning away of the simple will slay them, And the complacency of fools will destroy them � Complacency is a destroyer! � Be the first to follow/obey the rules you set…that is what it means to lead by example!

Principle #4: Create an Environment that Fosters Open Communication � The role of the leader is to create an environment where people feel they have the opportunity to be heard � How do you create such an environment? ◦ ◦ Lead with questions and not answers Engage in dialogue and debate, not coercion Conduct “look backs” without blame Build "red flag" mechanisms �A system that forces you to stop and pay attention to a valuable information in your family �Such a system enables you to course correct and make necessary changes

Principle #5: Learn to CONNECT with every member of your family individually � What is Connecting: It is the ability to identify with people and relate to them in a way that increases your influence with them � If you can’t find a way to communicate effectively with your family members the way you desire, you’ll be frustrated � Connecting is key when it comes to effective communication

Principle #5: Learn to CONNECT with every member of your family individually � If ◦ ◦ ◦ you can connect with your family members: Your relationship will be stronger Your sense of community will improve Your ability to create teamwork will increase Your influence will increase Your effectiveness as the family’s leader will skyrocket � To connect with people, note that it’s not about you—it’s about them ◦ Find an area of interest for each family member that you can focus attention on to connect with him/her

Principle #5: Learn to CONNECT with every member of your family individually � You can connect if you’re willing to think about others, and to try to understand who they are and what they want ◦ Get off your own agenda ◦ Take the focus off yourself onto others � See life/things from your spouse or child’s point of view � Discover/identify family � Acknowledge the strength of each person in your the value of each person’s strength and help them to appreciate it

SLOW DOWN & SMELL THE ROSES! � CONNECTING REQUIRES PATIENCE - If you want to connect with people, you have to be willing to slow down and go at someone else’s pace � Be willing to take others in your family along in the journey of life, even if it means you will get there later � Exhibit patience - set aside your own agendas to include your spouse and children in your plans

To connect well one-on-one… �Practice intentional inclusion ◦ Make your family members feel welcome and wanted �Place value on the person ◦ Display interest in each person ◦ Put his or her interests ahead of your own �Express person gratitude to and for that

Look for the following signs of connection in your family… 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. UNGUARDED OPENNESS —they demonstrate trust INCREASED COMMUNICATION—they express themselves more readily ENJOYABLE EXPERIENCES—they feel good about what they’re doing EMOTIONAL BONDEDNESS—they display a connection on an emotional level POSITIVE ENERGY—your emotional “batteries” are charged by being together

Summary � Poor outcome in children can be easily traced to failed parenting � Parenting is an assignment with serious requirements/expectation and of great consequence! ◦ Lesson from Eli’s �A key contributing factor to failed parenting is poor leadership skills in a family � Therefore, leadership skills must be considered a foundational element of success in parenting ◦ Psalm 11: 3 [KJV] - If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do?

Summary… Tonight we considered the following questions 1. Why leadership? 2. What is leadership? 3. Who is a leader? Ø 4. 5. 6. In the context of a family, who is a/the leader? Why is it necessary to understand leadership principles in the family context? Are leaders born or made? Ø Can leadership be learned? How can I be an effective leader in my home? (today we covered 5 foundational principles)

5 Foundational Principles of Family Leadership 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Build an Altar, Be The Priest! Focus on Character Development not Image Building! Institute a Culture of Discipline Create an Environment that Fosters Open Communication Learn to CONNECT with every member of your family individually

Q&A What questions do you have about today’s teaching?

Prayer � Father strengthen the foundation of our family/home � Father give me the grace to understand principles of family leadership and help me to put them to practice effectively in my home � Father every way I have ignorantly impacted by family negatively, by your grace help us to turn things in the right direction