Managing Moods Anxiety Stress Practical Tips for Parents

Managing Moods, Anxiety & Stress Practical Tips for Parents & Staff Jenny Langley cwmt. org. uk

w w w. c w m t. o r g. u k “Believing in your kids and staying positive whatever they might say or do” | e m a i l cwmt. org. uk

The Charlie Waller Memorial Trust aims to: • equip young people to look after their mental well being • help people to recognise the signs of depression/anxiety in themselves and others so they know when to seek help • ensure expert and evidence based help is available when people need it. In this session we will focus on Motivational Interviewing Techniques including elements of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Learned Optimism. cwmt. org. uk

My Interest in Emotional Wellbeing in our Youngsters: • My eldest son had anorexia age 12 • www. boyanorexia. com • My second son has dyslexia • Education in Schools • Education for Carers • Support for Carers

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w w w. c w m t Puberty. o r g. u Genetics k What Causes Our Kids to Play Up? | e m a i l Parental expectations Going to University Choosing a career Exams Friendship issues including body confidence Perfectionism 6 cwmt. org. uk

w w w. c w m t. o r g. u k | e m a i l You don’t What Causes Our Kids to Play Up? tic o a Ch ting Ea care about my feelings You just don’t get it arm H lf Se y lth ips a he nsh n U tio a rel You are not listening to me 7 cwmt. org. uk

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Anxiety Warning Signs Social Isolation Personal Hygiene Unexplained aches & pains Body Image Issues Reassurance seeking Perfectionism/ procrastination cwmt. org. uk

Feeding the Teenage Brain Tip No 1: Nutrition Tip No 2: Unconditional Love & Empathy cwmt. org. uk

Feeding the brain • Your brain weighs around 3 lbs • It needs 500 calories a day • Plus a teaspoon of “good” oil • Your brain is still developing fast • If damaged it can repair itself

Some interesting Facts around Food and the Teenage Brain – Harry’s Story • • • Zinc deficiency Magnesium deficiency Omega 3 deficiency Serotonin and dopamine are closely linked cwmt. org. uk

w w w. c w m t. o r g. u k Food tastes like cardboard | e m a i l cwmt. org. uk

w w w. c w m t. o r g. u k You feel terrible | e m a i l cwmt. org. uk

w w w. c w m t. o r g. u k You look terrible | e m a i l cwmt. org. uk

w w w. c w m t. o r g. u k You feel sad | e m a i l cwmt. org. uk

Luckily the Brain is Plastic and can rejuvenate itself! cwmt. org. uk

Tip No 2 - Exercises to build empathy • Red & Blue Balloon • Crap Day Exercise cwmt. org. uk

• https: //www. youtube. com/watch? v=KZBTY Vi. DPl. Q cwmt. org. uk

Key Skill to develop Empathy - Focus on listening more • • LESS is MORE Listen - “help me understand” Empathy -“girls sometimes say really mean things and that can be so upsetting, let me give you a hug” Support – “how can I help you? ” Share in non anxiety provoking activities – “ shall we take the dog for a walk? ” Less talking & telling More listening and guiding cwmt. org. uk

The Developing Teenage Brain – some science Teenagers are programmed to make high risk decisions with poor judgement cwmt. org. uk

The Developing Teenage Brain – some science Tip No. 3 Look for the Peak Onset in Adolescence: emotion Depression Bipolar behind the Schizophrenia Autistic Spectrum behaviour Tourette’s Addiction cwmt. org. uk

Noticing Emotions Can Really Help? 23 cwmt. org. uk

Noticing Emotions Can Really Help? • “Mummy I have a tummy ache and I am not going to school” • “It is Monday morning and you always have a tummy ache and you have to go to school” OR • “I am sorry you have a tummy ache, is everything ok, you seem sad” • How do you soothe someone who is sad? • HUG and … • “I often feel like that on a Monday morning too and it can really help to drink a nice cup of tea and eat some breakfast. • So by making the connection, soothing with a hug, showing some empathy the child is more likely to go to school cwmt. org. uk

Noticing Emotions Can Really Help? • “You are not listening to me and you don’t understand me and I hate you” exits slamming the door • What might the emotion be? • Anger • How do you soothe someone who is angry? • Give them some space • AND then try to listen to their point of view cwmt. org. uk

Tip No 4 - Sidestep the Reassurance Trap Without reassurance, anxiety spikes briefly before self-mastery 12 10 Anxiety 8 Reassurance Chronic anxiety 6 Reassurance becomes less effective New coping strategies allow anxiety to be dealt with at lower level 4 2 0 Normal anxiety After self-mastery, anxiety falls to lower base-level 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 192021 222324252627282930 31 32333435363738394041424344454647 Time cwmt. org. uk

Anxiety and the Reassurance Trap An anxious/ stressed child is likely to constantly seek reassurance – “Have I got my homework right? ” – “Have I spent enough time on this? ” – “Have I practised enough? ” – “Will I make friends at my next school? – “Will the extra time be enough? ” – It is easy to fall in to the reassurance trap as a parent. – Over time this simply serves to fuel problems, worries, fears and anxieties and the relief is short lived. – Gently Challenging vs Reassurance. – Your child will learn to self soothe……………. . cwmt. org. uk

w w w. c w m t. o r g. u k How Does Change Come About? Aesop – The Battle of Wind and Sun | e m a i l cwmt. org. uk

F o o t e r g o e s i n h e r e Useful Phrases • “It is not helpful for me to keep reassuring you” • “You seem very anxious/ frightened. That often makes young people seek continuous reassurance about the same things over and over, but in the long term it is not helpful. ” • “You know the answer to that, I believe you can do it. ” • “If I keep reassuring you it will keep your anxiety flourishing” • “This high anxiety you are feeling right now will pass. It is like a wave. What could we do to help distract you from all these anxious thoughts? Would you like to go for a walk around the school grounds with me, do some drawing, write a poem …. . etc” 11/11/201129 cwmt. org. uk

Tip No 5 - Reflecting on Family Reactions to the Moods, Anxiety & Stress – the animal metaphors cwmt. org. uk

Carers quickly start to reflect on their own responses & behaviours cwmt. org. uk

Tip No 6 - Motivational Language • An effective method of keeping our communication lines open with our kids is OARS which can help keep the conversation reflective and mindful. • • Open questions: Skillful questioning style Affirmations: Praise to build confidence and motivation Reflective listening: Skillful listening style Summarizing: Demonstrating you have understood • OARS helps you row the conversation in the direction you want it to go, rather than drifting along the usual current. cwmt. org. uk

“These are skills all parents should learn!” • OARS for the “you are not listening to me” • Open Question – “Help me understand” – “What does listening look like? ” • Affirmation – “Thank you for telling me how you are feeling” – “You were brave to tell me that” – “I like it when you………” – “You are determined to ……. ” • Reflection – “So you feel angry at……” – “What you are telling me is……. . ” cwmt. org. uk

Using Motivational Language Person Open questions 1 centred • I am curious to know how I can help • Help me understand what you feel your options are • Perhaps I can make a few suggestions that have worked for other students Affirmations Boost self • You are so hard working, resourceful, thoughtful, creative, inspiring esteem Reflections • I can see you are struggling to start/ finish this • It must be tough 3 for you trying to fit everything in I am listening • You seem overwhelmed, exhausted, distressed andnext noticing Summaries - pulling the conversation together and planning the chat your feelings cwmt. org. uk

Toolkit of Affirmations Adaptable Collaborative Eloquent Funny Patient Sociable Amazing Committed Empathic Hard working Persevering Sporty Articulate Compassionate Energetic Incredible Popular Strong Artistic Conscientious Enthusiastic Independent Quirky Talented Attentive Considerate Expressive Intelligent Reflective Thoughtful Brave Courageous Fantastic Kind Resilient Trust worthy Calm Creative Fearless Knowledgeable Resourceful Versatile Capable Determined Flexible Level headed Responsible Wild Caring Diligent Fortuitous Loving Sensible Wise Clever Driven Friendly Passionate Sensitive Zany cwmt. org. uk

Bella is in a high state of anxiety over a mock result Open Question with Empathy and Curiosity “Bella I can see you are currently very anxious about chemistry and that your mock result has been very upsetting for you. There are some good reasons why several of you got a B in the mock and I would like to talk to you about this and try to understand if there any specific issues I might be able to help you with. ” Bella’s response: “I don’t see the point. I am useless at chemistry and I don’t want to do it any more. It is too hard. The additional support lessons are really stressing me out and it means I have less time to spend on the other subjects. I don’t need chemistry. I don’t want to be a chemistry teacher or a chemist. Nobody is listening to me” TASK – Use reflections and affirmations to try to gently encourage Bella to see the wider perspective. cwmt. org. uk

Reflections and Affirmations • Reflections – You are so disappointed with your result that you feel like giving up – You are worried you might get a B in the real exam and that would be a terrible thing for you to deal with – You think it is too hard for you – You feel that nobody is listening to your point of view. That must be frustrating/ make you angry/ make you want to rebel…… • Affirmations – Thank you for telling me how you are feeling. Some girls would find that difficult – It takes courage to pick yourself up after an unexpected setback and I know you can do it – Your work throughout the past two years has been exceptional and I believe that you have a natural talent for all the sciences – You have worked so hard and it would be a shame to give all that up at this late stage – I believe you can do this cwmt. org. uk

Summary “Thank you for helping me to understand how you are feeling and explaining all of your concerns about continuing with the chemistry course. I am sorry that you have felt that nobody was listening to you and I hope you feel able to talk to me about any of your future concerns. I know you have a lot going on at the moment. We are here to listen and help. You make some very valid points including the fact that you are worried that extra work in chemistry might affect your grades in other subjects. I would like you to think about some of the points I have made in response to your concerns. You are a very clever girl and I believe you will do really well in June. Perhaps we could both have a few days to reflect on everything we have talked about and let’s meet again next Tuesday at 4 pm. How does that sound? “ cwmt. org. uk

A little Understanding and Unconditional Love and Kindness Goes a Long Way • If someone feels UNDERSTOOD. . . • That is good for their SELF ESTEEM • And helps increase their SELF CONFIDENCE • So they can be EMOTIONALLY ENGAGED • Which will optimise their dopamine secretion

Scenario Two - Andrea • Andrea is in year 5 and always seems to be in trouble • She has moderate learning difficulties • She tries to be funny to impress her friends, but it can easily come across that she is insulting/ bullying students outside her direct friendship group • She often disrupts the class • She is good at sport which is a positive outlet for her • Recently her behaviour has improved a little but you still find her difficult to manage in the classroom setting cwmt. org. uk

w w w. c w m t • . • o r • g • . u • k • | e m a i l What are you trying to motivate Andrea to do? Obey the rules Show respect to the academic staff as well as the sports staff To be respectful to other students, not just her immediate friends To improve her academic results OR something else Could there be a compromise? • TASK – use any of the techniques to have a constructive conversation with Andrea and to maximise the chance that his behaviour will continue to improve. cwmt. org. uk

w w w. c w m t. o r g. u k When Andrea is disruptive in class…. . Option One: • Andrea please stop talking. • Andrea enough talking come and sit at the front. Option Two • Andrea please stop talking. • Andrea I would like to have a quick chat with you after class So you create a little bit of discomfort which can help motivate change AND you ask an open question to stimulate a discussion and to show you care about how she feels. You are prepared to listen. “Andrea how would you feel about helping me set up a debating club? You express yourself really well and would be a great asset and role model for | the other girls. ” e m a i l cwmt. org. uk

w w w. c w m t. o r g. u k Motivating Andrea with OARS Open questions • I am curious to know how you feel about being punished for disrupting the class? • Help me understand what you feel your options are? Affirmations • You are so passionate about the school’s sporting success. • You are a wonderful coach and I hear that you have been put forward for netball captain next year. • You are so organised and determined when it comes to sport. Reflections • I can see you don’t feel homework is a priority | • It must be tough for you trying to fit everything in • You think its ok to ignore school rules e m a i l cwmt. org. uk

A little Understanding and Unconditional Love and Kindness Goes a Long Way • If someone feels UNDERSTOOD. . . • That is good for their SELF ESTEEM • And helps increase their SELF CONFIDENCE • So they can be EMOTIONALLY ENGAGED • Which will optimise their dopamine secretion

My son’s message “Never give up hope. Remember all those things you used to enjoy before anorexia came to visit. For me it was. . . You have to eat to have the strength to fight back. It was hard for me too, at times I felt like giving up and that nobody understood me, but with the support of my family and friends I did beat it. . . completely. . and it hasn’t dared to come back. I am doing really well now and enjoying my sport and my life” cwmt. org. uk

Tip No 6 – Key Factors in Joe’s Recovery § § § § Joe’s courage and determination Joe’s passion for football Education within close family and friends Close family working together Supportive family and friends and school A supportive team of experts A huge amount of care, understanding and kindness cwmt. org. uk

Students Against Depression studentsagainstdepression. org cwmt. org. uk

Free information booklets https: //www. cwmt. org. uk/resources? y 3 dtd=453757 Free resources for parents, professionals and others interested in mental and emotional wellbeing cwmt. org. uk

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