Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours How to

“Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours” How to Bring Out the Best in Kids by Doing What is Best for Them By Dr. Kevin Leman

“Give me a minute Dad!”

“You just don’t understand Mom!”

“ She keeps looking at me. ” “She keeps looking at me!”

“Will you guys stop it? ” “I’m about to lose my mind!!!!!”

Tonight we will discuss 3 main ideas: 1. Reality Discipline 2. Why Kids Misbehave 3. When to “Let the Little Buzzards Tumble”

Reality Discipline What is it? Two Prerequisites of Reality Discipline The desire to love as unconditionally as possible. The willingness to take the time and make the effort to enforce reality discipline. There are SEVEN Principles of Reality Discipline… ü Establish a Healthy authority over children ü Hold children accountable for their actions ü Let reality and life be the teachers ü Use actions more than words. ü Stick to your guns. ü Relationships come before rules ü Live by your values- model the behavior you want to see in your children

Why do Kids Misbehave?

There are 3 main reasons why children MISBEHAVE 1. To gain attention 2. To acquire power 3. To exact revenge What can we do? Develop consequences- be consistent! Make children accountable for their behavior. Provide boundaries. Take swift action and do not waiver. Reject the behavior but love the child. Nurturing does not mean enabling, so resist the urge to “fix” everything.

Activity. Behavior-Response-Perception Behavior- Child “forgets” to do his chores and goes off to play with his friends (negative) Parent Response- UNHEALTHY “You are so irresponsible!” Child’s Perception of Self- “I am bad” Behavior- Child “forgets” to do his chores and goes off to play with his friends (negative). Parent Response- HEALTHY “You won’t be going to the scout meeting tonight because you have to stay home and do the chores you didn’t do this afternoon. ” Child’s Perception of Self- “If I don’t do them, I will have to pay the price. She is giving me the choice. ”

Types of Parent/Authority Figures Authoritarian-Make all decisions for the child. Permissive-Is a slave to the child Authoritative-Give the child choices and formulates guidelines with him or her

Authoritarian “You will do what I tell you to do no matter what. ”

Permissive “ Oh you don’t feel like cleaning your room today? Okay, you can clean it tomorrow. ”

Authoritative “You guys can go to the movies, but you need to be home by 11 o’clock. If you are not home by 11 o’clock there will be consequences. Do you understand? ”

Building Relationships with Adolescents 1. Have home games 2. Let teenagers see your mistakes. 3. Don’t snowplow the roads of life for teenagers. 4. Listen to your teenagers when they are ready to talk. 5. Don’t bully teenagers into submission. 6. Expect the best of them. 7. Love and respect your mate and other adults.

Be REAL!!!!! R-RESPECT them. --Respect them for the person that they are. They are little humans. E-ENCOURAGE them. —Always encourage them and communicate your expectations. A-AFFIRM them. ---Appreciate them for who they are. L-LOVE them. ---Love them by holding them accountable for their actions.

The ABC’s of Self-Image Look for the positive A- Accept children for who they are. (They are all different) B-Make sure children have a sense of belonging. (Family, Classroom, etc. ) C-Help children develop competence. (They feel like a somebody or are good at something)

When to “Let the Little Buzzards Tumble” “Fair and swift discipline delivered as a consequence of unacceptable behavior is very effective in teaching important lessons to children in ways that words cannot convey. ”

Principles *Make tough decisions Get children out of most activities(one activity per child per semester) Raise your own children(Person that teaches your child how to speak is the person that teaches your child how to think) *People are more important than things *Discipline in love, not anger. Have dinner together as a family Don’t spoil your child with material things Turn off your television Actions speak louder than words.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words Be sure that children feel loved—even if you do not “like” them much at the moment. Respect is a two-way street. Allow children to make appropriate choices and decisions. Be brave enough to discipline and “pull the rug out!”