Chapter 6 Interdependency Miller Intimate Relationships 6e Mc

Chapter 6 Interdependency Miller Intimate Relationships, 6/e Mc. Graw-Hill/Irwin 6 - Copyright (c) 2012 by The Mc. Graw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.

Social Exchange • Successful relationships entail the mutual exchange of desirable rewards with others. This process is called social exchange. Rewards and Costs • Rewards are results of an interaction that are gratifying, welcome, and fulfilling. • Costs are consequences that are frustrating, distressing, and undesirable. 6 -2

Social Exchange Rewards and Costs The outcome of an interaction is its net profit or loss. Adding up all the rewards and costs that result: Outcome = Rewards – Costs 6 -3

Social Exchange Rewards and Costs Interdependence theory suggests that we evaluate the outcomes we receive with two criteria: • What we expect from our relationships, and • How well we think we can do with other partners. 6 -4

Social Exchange What Do We Expect from Our Relationships? Each of us has a personal comparison level (or CL) that describes what we expect and feel we deserve in our dealings with others. – When our outcomes exceed our comparison levels, we’re happy and content. – But when our outcomes are lower than our comparison levels, we’re disgruntled and distressed. 6 -5

Social Exchange What Do We Expect from Our Relationships? CL is thus the standard with which satisfaction with a relationship is assessed. Outcomes – CL = Satisfaction/Dissatisfaction Even if a relationship is profitable and rewarding, you may not be satisfied if the profit isn’t big enough to meet your expectations. 6 -6

Social Exchange How Well Could We Do Elsewhere? Whether or not we’re happy, we also evaluate our partnerships with a comparison level for alternatives (or CLalt) that describes the outcomes we (think we) can get elsewhere. Our CLalts are the lowest level of outcomes we will accept from our current partners. Why? 6 -7

Social Exchange How Well Could We Do Elsewhere? If we think we can do better in another relationship, all things considered, we’re likely to leave our present partners and pursue those bigger payoffs even if we’re currently happy with what we’ve got. On the other hand, even if we’re currently miserable, we won’t leave unless a better alternative presents itself. 6 -8

Social Exchange How Well Could We Do Elsewhere? A CLalt is a complex, multifaceted judgment involving both the costs of leaving and the rewards offered by others. Investments are things we lose when a relationship ends. 6 -9

Social Exchange Four Types of Relationships Good Outcomes ------ Current Outcomes ____ CLalt Poor Outcomes When outcomes exceed both CL and CLalt, it’s a HAPPY and STABLE relationship. 6 -10

Social Exchange Four Types of Relationships Good Outcomes ____ CL ------ Current Outcomes ____ CLalt Poor Outcomes When outcomes exceed CLalt but fall below CL, it’s an UNHAPPY but STABLE relationship. 6 -11

Social Exchange Four Types of Relationships Good Outcomes ____ CLalt ------ Current Outcomes ____ CL Poor Outcomes When outcomes exceed CL but fall below CLalt, it’s a HAPPY but UNSTABLE relationship. 6 -12

Social Exchange Four Types of Relationships Good Outcomes ____ CLalt ____ CL ------ Current Outcomes Poor Outcomes When outcomes fall below both CL and CLalt, it’s an UNHAPPY and UNSTABLE relationship. 6 -13

Social Exchange Four Types of Relationships In real relationships, a huge variety of configurations are possible as CLs, CLalts, and outcomes all range from excellent to poor. 6 -14

Social Exchange CL and CLalt as Time Goes By Our CLs are based on our past experiences, and they fluctuate along with the outcomes we receive. Excellent outcomes delight us at first… …but if we come to take them for granted, our CLs will rise, and those outcomes will gradually become less satisfying--not because the fine outcomes have changed, but because our expectations have gone up. 6 -15

Social Exchange CL and CLalt as Time Goes By Cultural changes may also have made our CLalts higher than ever before: • Women work • People are mobile • Legal and social barriers to divorce have eroded The costs of departing a marriage have decreased, and people have more options and partners available to them. 6 -16

The Economies of Relationships Counting up the rewards and costs of a relationship provides extraordinary information about its current state and likely future. Costs are particularly influential because bad is stronger than good. Negative events carry more psychological weight than desirable events do. 6 -17

The Economies of Relationships Rewards need to outnumber costs by at least 5 -to-1 if we’re to stay satisfied with a close relationship. 6 -18

The Economies of Relationships Rewards and Costs Are Different • Gain positive outcomes – this is an approach motivation • Avoid negative outcomes – this is an avoidance motivation 6 -19

The Economies of Relationships Rewards and Costs as Time Goes By When they begin, relationships that will soon fail do not differ from those that will succeed in the number of attractive rewards they provide. However, there is a difference in the number of costs they inflict. Doomed partnerships are more costly from the moment they start. 6 -20

The Economies of Relationships Rewards and Costs as Time Goes By However, even in relationships that will succeed, costs typically rise as the partners spend more time together. Pay heed to your doubts about new partners, but recognize that most relationships probably go through an awkward phase of adjustment as interdependency increases. 6 -21

The Economies of Relationships Rewards and Costs as Time Goes By Overall, though, marital satisfaction usually declines as time passes… …and there are probably several reasons why. 6 -22

The Economies of Relationships Here is the usual trajectory of marital satisfaction: Insert Figure 6. 7 here 6 -23

The Economies of Relationships Rewards and Costs as Time Goes By – Lack of Effort People may stop working as hard as they once did to be consistently charming. – Interdependency Is a Magnifying Glass Conflict is more consequential, and annoyances more aggravating, because of the close and frequent contact that comes with intimacy. – Access to Weaponry – Intimate partners know our foibles and our secrets, and that gives them the means to hurt us, even unintentionally, in ways others can’t. 6 -24

The Economies of Relationships Rewards and Costs as Time Goes By –Unwelcome Surprises – Some surprises are inevitable. – Unrealistic Expectations – Don’t assume that having kids will bring you closer together. 6 -25

Are We Really This Greedy? The Nature of Interdependency If you value a relationship, you’ll want to keep your partner happy, so that he or she will want to stay with you. Providing rewarding outcomes to your partner, even if it involves effort and sacrifice, can be self-serving if it causes a desirable relationship to continue. 6 -26

Are We Really This Greedy? Exchange versus Communal Relationships In exchange relationships, people expect immediate repayment for benefits given. Partners are more content when favors are repaid immediately, and they keep track of each other’s contributions to the relationship. 6 -27

Are We Really This Greedy? Exchange versus Communal Relationships In communal relationships, people do favors for each other without expecting explicit repayment. The partners are more content when favors are not quickly repaid, and they do not keep track of each other’s contributions to the relationship. 6 -28

Are We Really This Greedy? Exchange versus Communal Relationships People seem generous, not greedy, in communal relationships. Nevertheless, the processes of social exchange still pertain to communal relationships… 6 -29

Are We Really This Greedy? Exchange versus Communal Relationships • Tit-for-tat exchanges still take place in communal relationships, but they involve diverse types of rewards that are provided over a long span of time. • People don’t need to “sweat the small stuff” in happy, highly rewarding relationships, but they begin to do so if dissatisfaction looms. 6 -30

Are We Really This Greedy? Equitable Relationships When equity exists, a relationship is fair: Each partner gains benefits from the relationship that are proportional to his or her contributions to it: Your outcomes Your partner’s outcomes ------------ = ------------------Your contributions Your partner’s contributions 6 -31

Are We Really This Greedy? Equitable Relationships When a partnership is inequitable: – one partner is receiving too much, and is said to be overbenefited, and – the other partner is receiving too little, and is said to be underbenefited. 6 -32

Are We Really This Greedy? Equitable Relationships It’s distressing to be underbenefited. In response: • People may try to restore actual equity, changing their (or their partner’s) contributions or outcomes. • People may try to restore psychological equity, convincing themselves that they are getting what they deserve. • Or, people may abandon the relationship, seeking fairness elsewhere as a last resort. 6 -33

Are We Really This Greedy? Equitable Relationships It’s obnoxious to be underbenefited… …but equity may not matter much if a relationship is highly rewarding and both partners are prospering. 6 -34

The Nature of Commitment is the intention to continue a relationship. • Committed partners expect their relationship to continue; • They take a long-term view; and • They are psychologically attached to each other. 6 -35

The Nature of Commitment According to the investment model of commitment: • Satisfaction increases commitment • Alternatives of high quality decrease commitment • Investments in a relationship increase commitment to it 6 -36

The Nature of Commitment Thus, the investment model suggests that people remain with their partners when: • they’re happy; • there’s no place else to go; or • it would cost too much to leave. 6 -37

The Nature of Commitment Some theorists assert that there are three types of commitment: • Personal commitment – occurs when people want to continue a relationship because it is satisfying. • Constraint commitment – • occurs when people feel they have to continue a relationship because it would cost too much to leave. • Moral commitment – occurs when people feel they ought to continue a relationship because it would be wrong to break their vows. These three types of commitment feel different, and there may be value in distinguishing them from one another. 6 -38

The Nature of Commitment The Consequences of Commitment A sense of commitment leads partners to take action to protect and maintain their relationship: • Accommodative behavior – temporarily tolerating provocation from one’s partner without fighting back • Willingness to sacrifice – putting the well-being of the relationship ahead of one’s own self-interest • Perceived superiority – considering one’s relationship to be better than those of other people Thus, even if people are basically greedy at heart, they are often unselfish, considerate, and caring to those they befriend and love. 6 -39

For Your Consideration One of the things Gregg liked about Gail was that she was a great cook. When she would have him over to dinner, she would serve elaborate, delicious meals that were much more appealing than the fast food he often ate on his own. He liked to keep things tidy and neat, and he noticed that her apartment was always disheveled and cluttered, but he didn’t much care because she was an exciting, desirable companion. However, once they were married, Gail cooked less often; they both worked, and she frequently called him before he came home to ask him to pick up take-out meals for dinner. He also became annoyed by her slovenly housekeeping. He did his fair share of housework, but a pile of unfolded laundry constantly occupied their living room couch, and they had to push it aside to sit together to watch television. She seemed not to notice just how scattered and disorganized her belongings were, and Gregg began to feel resentful. What do you think the future holds for Gregg and Gail? Why? 6 -40