Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships Chapter 7

Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships Chapter 7

What is Love? ? Indecent Proposal: http: //www. youtube. com/watch? v=WJu. B 3 x_3 qw. Q The Notebook: http: //www. youtube. com/watch? v=f. Jn. Iu. Bl 3 RL 0&feature=related Jason’s Lyric: http: //www. youtube. com/watch? v=CVC 7 v. JY 4 Zi. U&feature=related Captain Corelli’s Mandolin: http: //www. youtube. com/watch? v=U 3 Vtg. Yei 05 Y&feature=related

What is love? Is there a difference between being “in love with someone” and “loving someone”? What is that difference? Is it possible to love more than one person in a lifetime? Is it possible to love more than one person at a time?

What Kids say: “When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too, That’s love. ” Rebecca, age 8 “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth. ” Billy, age 4 “Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday. ” Noelle, age 7 “My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night. ” Clare, age 6 “Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty but still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt. ” Chris, age 7

Love is difficult to define Means different things to different people Difficult to measure Love Unconditional; deep understanding; they will be there for you; an action; an emotion; active concern for the growth and development of the other person; when you think the feeling could never be any better; care more for the other than you do for yourself; unexplainable feeling of caring; open and unafraid around another; When another person’s happiness is essential to your own. Intimacy Physical closeness and contact; deep sharing; feeling of lust; trust; sexual contact; emotional closeness; touching, messing around and intercourse;

Types of Love Passionate love (infatuation or romance in an individual) Intense psychological feelings, idealization of other Physiological arousal, strong sexual desire for the other Chemical infusion in the brain, oxycitosin Same problem with any drug, desensitization This chemical cocktail in the brain is called “Limerance” It tends to overpower the rational mind (frontal cortex) You can do really stupid things, break agreements with other partners, make commitments you cannot keep Is blind to problems Can last for a long time if unsatisfied Tends to go away if satisfied

Passionate love (if you both have it) Desire to avoid conflict, blind to problems Enjoy feelings of completeness, two against the world Expectation of enduring, provides the focus that allows getting to know each other quickly Tends to be short-lived Eventual transition to another kind of love or end relationship What happens when a married or committed person falls into love with someone else? Can you keep yourself from ever falling in passionate love again?

Companionate love friendly affection & deep attachment, growing together familiarity & tolerance for short-comings, forgiving nurturance & problem-solving, commitment to solutions richer, more meaningful sexuality more enduring than passionate love (NRE can burn you out, compassionate love builds you up)

Falling in Love: Why and With Whom The chemistry of love Neurotransmitters similar to amphetamine norepinephrine dopamine phenylethylamine (PEA) Body builds tolerance for PEA, diminished giddiness & euphoria Endorphins may be responsible for deeper attachments: produce a sense of tranquility, security Loss or potential loss of loved one, may be similar to drug withdrawal

This slide and the next three list some of the most important factors which determine with whom we are most likely to fall in love – think about how these factors have affected the person(s) with whom you’ve fallen in love Proximity (how geographically close the person is to you, e. g. , lives in the dorm room next to yours vs. lives on the East coast) mere exposure effect, familiarity breeds liking familiarity breeds predictability greater comfort greater proximity often reflects shared interests

Similarity share similar interests & activities communicate better confirm own views & experiences supportive of values & beliefs Reciprocity when someone shows they like us, we tend to like them back positive reactions to flattery, compliments, attention lowers likelihood of rejection Physical attractiveness "what's beautiful is good" belief infants demonstrate early preference for attractiveness status by association most important in early stages may be an index of physical health heterosexual males place greater value on it than women

Issues in Loving Relationships Relationship between love & sex several possibilities love leads to sex leads to love they are not connected Questions to ask yourself Does sexual intimacy deepen a love relationship? Do men & women have different views of sex & love? Who is more likely to say “Did you get any? ” Who is more likely to say or think “I’ll go to bed with you if you tell me you love me? ” In what order have they occurred in your life? Do you have long term loving, non-sexual relationships? Do you have sexual relationships that do not lead to love?

Issues in Loving Relationships Cont' Does sexual orientation affect views of sex & love? homosexual men are more likely to separate love from sex lesbians are more likely to postpone sex until intimacy has been established Falling in love with a same-sex person often helps an individual sort out her/his gay or lesbian identity

Issues in Loving Relationships Cont' Jealousy in relationships Definition: an aversive feeling in response to real or imagined relationship between one’s partner and another person High Fidelity: http: //www. youtube. com/watch? v=Jen. Za 0 v. Cp. GI Socially programmed core beliefs: If my partner really loved me, they would not want anyone else. If I were good enough, my partner would be satisfied with me. Love is scarce, if someone else gets some I get less. It is not possible to love more than one person. Jealousy-prone person low self-esteem possessive high value on wealth, fame, attractiveness and popularity

Issues in Loving Relationships Cont' Jealousy has a new “opposite” – “compersion” : An invented word for feeling joy/happiness that the one you love is loved by others Is jealousy a natural part of a love relationship? Is it healthy? Why would you not feel good that the person who turns you on can also turn other people on? Does this mean that your loves you less? Why? Does it make you feel good that others find you attractive? If it does, why should you hide this from your self or lover? If others find you attractive, do you have to do anything about it? Is there a limited quantity of love in the world? If someone else gets

Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction Ingredients in lasting love relationship self-acceptance appreciation of each other's qualities commitment good communication, realistic expectations and shared interests ability to face & deal with conflict Individual and relationship growth and change maintain relationship everybody changes with time, couples not always in sync overcome obstacles view problems as challenges negotiate and renegotiate wants accept each other as unique be willing to change

v Helen Fisher Tells Us Why We Love & Cheat: http: //www. ted. com/talks/lang/eng/helen_fisher _tells_us_why_we_love_cheat. html v Take her personality test: http: //www. chemistry. com/ v Her website: http: //www. helenfisher. com/