FACTORS LEADING TO INTIMACY Psychologists Kersten and Kersten

FACTORS LEADING TO INTIMACY Psychologists Kersten and Kersten believe that there are certain prerequisites to developing intimate relationships.

These prerequisites are: • Individual Prerequisites • Interactive factors • Situational factors

INDIVIDUAL PREREQUISITES • Self-concept: • Trust: • Realistic perceptions: • Equality:

INTERACTIVE FACTORS • Interdependence • Exclusivity • Other interactive factors that would increase intimacy: • Non-hurtful conflict resolution • Forgive/admit mistakes • Empathy • Companionship • Playfulness

SITUATIONAL FACTORS • Intimacy requires time and space. • People are socialized to behave and expect behaviours that follow social norms. • Family plays a critical role in determining how people handle adult intimate relationships through: • Role Models • The Looking-glass Self. Parents may create/reinforce high or low self esteem, warm/aloof behaviour, etc.

Impediments to Intimacy • Low self-esteem: try to make others feel inadequate avoid disclosure for fear of rejection

L-O-V-E

Consider the following statements: • • • I love my parents My parents love me I loved Ashton Kutcher in that movie I love music / flowers / that book I love your haircut!

Types of Love The Greeks had three different words for love to differentiate what we in English cannot. 1) Agape: A spiritual type of love, self sacrificing, non-demanding. A type of ‘motherly’ love. 2) Philos: Was more an earthly love, that of deep affection between close friends or siblings. 3) Eros: Was used to refer to love in a physical or sexual way.

The “Passion Cluster” Psychologist Davis (1985)claims there are 3 characteristics which differentiate love relationships and intimate friendships. 1) FASCINATION 2) EXCLUSIVENESS 3) SEXUAL DESIRE These are all higher in love relationships. Interestingly, his studies also showed that there was a lower level of acceptance of the other’s behaviour between spouses or lovers than between friends, indicating that people tend to criticize a partner more readily than a friend.

The Love Triangle Theory -By Robert Sternberg • The theory characterizes love within the context of interpersonal relationships by three different components: Commitment ac tim In n io ss Pa y – Intimacy – Which encompasses feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness. – Passion – Which encompasses drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation. – Commitment – Which encompasses, in the short term, the decision to remain with another, and in the long term, the shared achievements and plans made with that other. Intim acy Passion

• The “type” of love one experiences depends on their strengths relative to each other. • Different stages and types of love can be explained as different combinations of these three elements. • For example, the relative emphasis of each component changes over time as an adult romantic relationship develops. A relationship based on a single element is less likely to survive than one based on two or three elements.

• Sternberg feels that every relationship involves several triangles: – How it really is – The ideal – The perceived (how you think your partner sees it) • Satisfaction is greatest where all triangles are similar.

Time for: The Love Quiz…. As developed by U of T sociologist Lee (1988)