Working with Kinky Folks in the Therapeutic Setting

Working with Kinky Folks in the Therapeutic Setting Sex. Therapy-Online, PLLC Rhiannon Beauregard, MA, LMFT-S, CST Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist AASECT Certified Sex Therapist Specialist-Problematic Sexual Behavior 1

Agenda for The Morning • 9 am – 9: 15 am: Introduction to Presenter and Attendees ✔� • 9: 15 am – 10: 15 am: Becoming Kink-Aware and Kink-Friendly: Introduction to Kink and BDSM ✔� • 10: 15 am – 10: 30 am: BREAK- Ask questions, use restroom, self-care ✔� • 10: 30 am – 11: 00 am: Domestic Violence and BDSM ✔� • 11: 00 am – 12 pm: Working with Kinky Folks in the Therapeutic Setting • 12: 00 pm – 1 pm: Lunch and Demonstration by Domino 2

Who/What/Where are these clients? • Everywhere! • They are all over the place- locally, regionally, nationally. • They are all genders, orientations, nonmonogamous/monogamous, ages and developmental levels in kink (from newbies to veterans). • They are highly underserved by quality professionals. 3

Who/What/Where are these clients? Source: NCSF Study 2015 4

Who/What/Where are these clients? Source: NCSF Study 2015 5

How Do People Participate in BDSM? • Some just in fantasy alone (literature, pornography, fantasy etc. ) and some in real life (with a partner or partner(s)). • The majority DO NOT participate in a group or community (although the survey done by NCSF in 2015 did not report this). • Many just like a little taste but often report wanting to explore more. Source: NCSF Study 2015 6

Why Do People Participate in BDSM? • Motivations for Kink • pleasure • catharsis • emotion regulation: to up-regulate or downregulate • to counter depression symptoms • to counter anxiety symptoms • personal growth • trauma reframing • symptom management • self-exploration • intimacy 7

What are the presenting issues of kinky clients? • For many, their need for therapy has little to do with the kink lifestyle. • These kinksters want a therapist that is qualified to deal with a variety of issues who is kink-aware and friendly. • These issues include general mental health issues, trauma, family of origin, etc. • For some, their presenting issues may involve their participation in kink and the lifestyle. • They may look for guidance in getting started in the kink community or in kinky play. • Clients may need help with understanding roles, dynamics, consent, contracting. • Thorough assessment is necessary. 8

What are the presenting issues of kinky clients? In one study, 74. 9% of 175 BDSM clients noted that the issues that brought them into therapy had nothing to do with BDSM (Kolmes, Stock, & Moser, (2006). 9

What are the presenting issues of kinky clients? • • • Coming out (to self, partner, or someone else) or fear of others discovering BDSM identity or interests; Compulsive issues around sexuality or BDSM; Discomfort with BDSM identity or wanting to extinguish BDSM interests; Fear of not being able to find partner(s) with compatible desires/interests; Identifying or recovering from an abusive dynamic in a BDSM relationship; Guilt and shame about accidentally hurting a partner or crossing a partner’s boundaries; Lack of clarity around sexual interests or type(s) of sensation or power dynamics that would be most satisfying; Mismatch in sexual preferences within a relationship; Difficulty sharing BDSM community space with a former partner after a breakup. 10

Guidelines for Clinicians Working with Kinky Clients • Be aware that distress over kink or poly identity may be a normal part of internalized cultural bias against the sexual orientation rather than evidence of a disorder. The clinician can take the role of validating the distress and helping a client to locate and get support from community resources. • Take note of whether and how kink or poly identities affect work, social, and family relationships. • Be careful to not assume that a client’s presenting issue is caused by or is related to their kink or poly lifestyle. • Be mindful about making assumptions about clients’ treatment goals – particularly that these goals include changing their sexual desires. • Do not try to “cure” clients of BDSM or poly desires. This may be as ineffective as reparative therapy for LGBT clients. 11

Guidelines for Clinicians Working with Kinky Clients • Do not assume abuse when someone is in a BDSM relationship. • Do not assume a client is cheating or is tolerating cheating if they bring up other partners. • Do not assume that BDSM interests mean that a client is not also interested in conventional sexual behaviors. • Be aware of your own countertransference issues and how they may enter therapy. Consult with colleagues who are knowledgeable about altsex behavior. • Educate yourself, seek consultation, or refer out when you are practicing outside of your boundaries of competence. (SOURCE: Kolmes, 2018) 12

BDSM Affirming Language • Use BDSM affirming language during intake and therapy session • This includes being a curious therapist about how BDSM plays into their life • Inquire how dynamics affect various aspects of relationships and personal issues, or may not at all. • BE CURIOUS and ALLOW clients to define themselves in how they want to incorporate BDSM into their therapy. 13

To Disclose or Not Disclose • This community can be pretty small, especially in rural areas. • It is up to therapist on whether they want to disclose if they participate in the community. • Often times clients want to know that you have a working knowledge and first-hand experience of BDSM. • Make sure you have the best intentions in disclosing. 14

Participating in Group Events • What do you do if you are playing at a group event and you run into a client? 15

Move from Friendly to Knowledgeable: More Kink Resources • Becoming a Kink Aware Professional (Book) • Different Loving • The Kink Knowledgeable Program is a professional training program which provides continued education for professional communities. https: //kinkknowledgeable. com/ 16

Move from Friendly to Knowledgeable: More Kink Resources • Kolmes, K. (2015, October). An introduction to BDSM for psychotherapists. [Web article]. Retrieved from: http: //www. societyforpsychotherapy. org/an-introduction-to-bdsm-for-psychotherapists • Kolmes, K. (2012). 50 Shades of Sitgma: Are we as kinky as we think we are? Blog post for Psyched in SF. • Kolmes K. , & Witherspoon, R. G. (2012). Sexual Orientation Microaggressions in Everyday Life: Expanding our Conversations about Sexual Diversity. Independent Practitioner, Summer 2012. • Kolmes, K. , & Weitzman, G. (2010). A guide to choosing a kink-aware therapist. National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. • Kolmes, K. , Stock, W. , Moser, C. (2006). Investigating bias in psychotherapy with BDSM clients. Journal of Homosexuality, 50 (3/4). • Kolmes, K (2003). BDSM consumers of mental health services: the need for culturally sensitive care. Doctoral dissertation, CSPP-AIU. Reprinted and catalogued by CSPP-AIU library. 17

Kink Aware Professionals Directory • This is currently the only place where professional who identify as kink-aware, kink-friendly, and kink-knowledgeable can be listed in one place for kinkster to find services. • Pro’s and Con’s 18

Any Questions? 19

Contact Rhiannon C. Beauregard, MA, LMFT-S, CST, S-PSB Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York, & Texas www. Sex. Therapy-Online. com rhiannon@sextherapy-online. com rhiannon. c. beauregard@gmail. com Phone: 603. 770. 5099 Phone: 512. 765. 4741 Fax: 888. 288. 8495 Follow me on Facebook: @Rhiannon. Beauregard. CST Watch my You. Tube Channel: Rhiannon@Sex. Therapy-Online. com 20

LUNCHTIME DEMO • Please welcome Domino for our Lunch Time Demo • Domino has been active in the BDSM community for more than 25 years and was recently given a lifetime achievement award by New England Leather Alliance, the largest BDSM group in New England. He has hosted the Bullwhip Lounge at NELA's Fetish Fair Fleamarket for 15 years. In his vanilla life I have been providing training in his field, on the local, national, and international level for over 30 years. He came highly recommended by other members in the local New England Kink Community and has a wealth of knowledge. Today he will share some topics from his BDSM 101 class including an overview and history of BDSM, with a focus on New England, and a brief trip through a toy bag. 21