Polyamory 101 Leanna Wolfe Ph D Definitions Polygamy

Polyamory 101 Leanna Wolfe, Ph. D.

Definitions • • Polygamy - More Than One Spouse Polygyny - More Than One Wife Polyandry - More Than One Husband Monogamy - One Spouse Serial Monogamy - One Spouse at a Time Swinging - One Spouse; Multiple Playmates Polyamory - Multiple Committed Loving Relationships

Polyamory’s Origins • • Group Marriage (Constantine, 1973) Hot & Cool Sex (Francoeur, 1974) Intimate Networks Utopian Swinging The Kerista Commune (polyfidelity) More University Human Awareness Institute (HAI) – communication processes • Oneida Community

The Oneida Community • 19 th c. 500 -person group marriage founded by John Humphrey Noyes • Coitus Reservatus • Complex Marriage • Banned Pair Bonding • Ascending Fellowship • Stirpiculture Breeding Program

The Kerista Commune • SF based intentional community • 25 years (early 70 s -- mid-90 s) • Compersion (invented the word) – no jealousy (Pines & Aronson, 1981) • Polyfidelity – starling brothers and sisters • B-FICs -- Best Friend Identity Clusters

Poly Culture • • • Support Groups / Pot Lucks E - lists/groups Loving More Magazine Conferences Honesty – Complete Honesty • Safe Sex – Very Safe Sex (viral and emotional)

Poly Players • Science Fiction Aficionados – Heinlein and Rimmer (1960 s) • • Utopian Swingers Frustrated by Monogamy Independent Idealists Socially Challenged

Research Overview • 58 males • 82 females • Peak Baby Boomers – male median age -- 45 – female median age -- 43

Race and Education • 94. 3% White • Highly Educated – 98. 3% of males and 100% of females had attended college – 39. 7% of males and 40. 2% of females had graduate degrees

Poly Configurations • • Independent Single Open Couple Primary and Secondary Partners Multiple Primary Partners Triad -- V or Quad Intimate Network

Table 3 – Relationship Types Open Monogamous Polyamorous with a Primary Partner Polyamorous with Multiple Primary Partners Polyamorous with Primary and Secondary Partners Polyfidelitous Triad Polyfidelitous Network Monogamous Single and Dating Other 14. 3% 34. 1% 13. 2% 18. 7% 5. 5% 1. 1% 2. 2% 4. 4% 6. 6% • Altogether 48. 4% could easily be considered “open couples”

• Poly residential patterns differ substantially from the 2000 U. S. Census

Table 8 – Current Religious Affiliation Pagan/Wicca Buddhism Christian None/Atheist Other Loving More 30% 9% 28% 29% 4% *40% do not attend any religious services or rituals Wolfe 29% 8% 12% 15% 19%

Poly in Print • The Polyfidelity Primer (Nearing, 1992) • Love Without Limits (Anapol, 1992, 1997) • The Ethical Slut (Easton & Liszt, 1997) • Loving More Magazine (early 90 s present) • Plural Loves (Anderlini-D’Onofrio, 2005) • 40+ mainstream newspaper/magazine articles

Poly Speak: The Language of Polyamory • Compersion – loving empathy for one’s partner being loved/engaged by others • New Relationship Energy (NRE) • Other Significant Other (OSO) • Primary, Secondary, Tertiary – maintain social family hierarchy • Polyfidelity – sexually faithful to one’s family

Poly Cultural Challenges • Integrating romantic love and nonpossessiveness in a Western context • Letting go of Western culture’s celebration of “the one. ” • Preventing new lovers from displacing long time partners • Accepting differences between partners’ emotional and sexual styles.

Safer Sex Practices • Fluid Bond Agreements • Over 80% use condoms • Women (84%) much more concerned than men (55%) in discussing STD and birth control status with a new lover. • Partner Approval – 64. 4% of swingers – 58. 4% of poly women – 35. 7% of poly men

Visiting Other Lovers • Agreements (written, unspoken, subject to renegotiation) • Half report their partner spends 10 nights a year or less visiting other lovers • Typical visiting patterns were between once a week and twice a month • Only five respondents reported visiting patterns of two-three times a week.

Are There Favorites? • NRE is regarded as an explanation for why a new lover may feel like the favorite. • 50% of women reported loving their partners equally. • 62. 5% of men reported they had a favorite lover.

Regarding one’s partner as a favorite lover largely parallels feeling like one is one’s partner’s favorite lover.

Compersion

Compersion Measures • Watching a partner being sexual with someone else • Being Watched by One’s Partner… • Feelings about partner spending the night with other lovers • What happens when partner returns… • Impact of poly dating on home relationship • Change relationship agreements?

Compersion Index • • 11 point scale Median 9. 12 Only 7. 9% less then 7. Compersive thinking is largely the norm for the people who participated in my survey

Statistically Significant Correlations • Males more compersive than females – greater number of partners per year--less attachment--sense of abundance • Those who report that they love each of their lovers equally – embrace poly ideology • Heterosexuals who masturbate frequently – more substantial inner life

Actualizing Compersion • Developed Inner Life – masturbation, spirituality, meditation • Full Plate Life – busy with work, family, lovers – Extended Family of Choice • Gullible – believe in poly ideology • High Serotonin Uptake • Fears of Loss not actualized.

Polyamory as a Relationship Strategy • Long term monogamous couples eventually differentiate – Their NRE diminishes--they have less interest/need for sex with each other • Polyamory addresses this sexual emotional vacancy with a NRE enhanced new lovers while maintaining the comfort and security of home and family

How Jealousy is Negotiated • New loves do not replace or displace in place partners. • Belief that there is not just one “one” – Go for broke romantic love discouraged • Celebration of “starling relationships” – Compersion embraced • Full Plate Lives – High serotonin levels

Is it possible to be in love with more than one sweetie? • Its very possible to be in lust with many partners • Its possible to be in the attachment phase with multiple partners • The attraction phase may be a monoexperience – easily provokes high levels of jealousy