First Things First Please silence your mobile devices

First Things First… Please, silence your mobile devices! Restrooms down the hall **PLEASE DONATE TO THE CENTER AS A “THANK YOU” FOR USE OF THE SPACE! I. Presentation II. Break III. Questions & Discussion IV. Adjourn

POLY 101: An Introduction to Polyamory and Ethical Nonmonogamy Triangle Polyamory, Raleigh/Durham, NC August 27, 2016, at LGBTQ Center of Durham Rob Ridings, Organizer Special Thanks to Matt Hicks for additional materials. Special Thanks to the Durham LGBTQ Center for use of venue

About Us! ▪ Triangle Polyamory: Host Monthly Discussions at the RALEIGH LGBT Center on Last Wednesday of every month, except December. ▪ “Poly 101” every May and October ▪ Other Triangle Polyamory meetups, discussions, socials, gatherings throughout Raleigh/Durham metro every week! (We have over 580 members!) ▪ Info: www. meetup. com/Triangle. Polyamory ▪ Or www. twitter. com/poly. RDU ▪ Or www. facebook. com/NCpoly --(Statewide Poly site)

Warnings There are no experts, only the more or less experienced There is no single "right" way, but some ways are more compatible There's no wrong way, only what's wrong for you

About Me ▪ Leadership Board Member of Triangle Polyamory since late 2011 ▪ Also current Volunteer: LGBT Center of Raleigh ▪ Experienced array of various forms of Nonmonogamous Relationships including Open Relationships, Polyfidelity, Polyamory, Swinging, etc…. On and off for 15 years. ▪ Current configuration: Open Polyamorous Relationship with one Domestic (live-in) Partner, plus Three additional Partners.

Question: When did you learn about Monogamy? (And what did you learn? )

Myths of Monogamy "If you really love someone, you won't want anyone else” "Real love and relationships are monogamous (you're either fooling around or settling down)” “Couples should do everything together…(and enjoy it)”

Myths of Monogamy § “If it's meant to be, it will just work” (if you really loved me, you'd know what I want) (if we're right for each other, we won't argue) ▪ “Monogamy is natural” ▪ “Monogamy is better for families” ▪ “Monogamy protects me from STDs”

Truths about Monogamy § Monogamy is well-known § There are many examples, both good and bad § It is socially accepted…and expected § It has common practices and rituals

Truths about Monogamy § Monogamy is a valid relationship choice § It works for many people § It is not always the best choice for everyone

So Naturally, the Question arises: “What choice is there? ” And why do we think we have to choose? ?

Non-Monogamy ● There are many conflicting examples and labels ● Sadly, we see many more bad examples than good ● It is generally not socially accepted ● Practices and rituals vary

Non-Monogamy ● It can be done: respectfully or disrespectfully …ethically or unethically …responsibly or irresponsibly ● It works for many people ● It's honestly not always the best choice for everyone. Insecurity and/or immaturity are personality traits that make it VERY hard to succeed in Non-monogamy.

Ethical (or Responsible ) Nonmonogamy: i. e. : Nonmonogamy that is NOT Cheating or Lying Among everyone involved there is: ● Honesty & Transparency ● Full Disclosure about the relationships ● Informed & willing participation and Consent

Major Types Of Ethical Nonmonogamy: A. Primarily Sex-Based 1. Swinging 2. Open Relationship (or Open Marriage) 3. Single and “Lovin’ It” (wink) 4. …and so on.

Major Types Of Ethical Nonmonogamy (cont. ) : B. Romantic/Love-Based… also known as: POLYAMORY Two Subsets: 1. Closed-Polyamory (“Polyfidelity”) Group (Triads, Throuples, Quads, etc. ) 2. Open-Polyamory Relationship(s) (Open Couples, Groups, Networks/Webs, etc. )

So……What is Polyamory? ▪ “Poly” + “Amory” = Many Loves ▪ The style of Ethical Nonmonogamy which emphasizes loving, romantic relationships ▪ Philosophy & practice of loving or relating intimately to more than one other person at a time, with honesty and integrity

“How is this different from cheating? ” Again: “Ethical” Nonmonogamy means NOT Cheating: ● Cheating involves deception ● Cheating is about breaking agreements (people sometimes confuse their own assumptions for agreements) ● Sexual-exclusivity and emotional-exclusivity are possible agreements between people in relationships, not requirements

Isn't it all just "sleeping around"? (No, but what’s wrong with that, even if it is? ) ● Polyamory is (more) about loving, romantic relationships that probably involve sex. ● In contrast, swinging is (more) about sexual relationships that may involve love or romance. ● Non-monogamy has many different flavors and labels often overlap.

Drama in Bed? ?

Wait…It’s not the same thing as Polygamy. …right? (No, it’s not!) ▪ The word, Polygamy, is technically, marriage to multiple spouses. ▪ Sadly in the US today, it’s often correlated to isolated fringe groups, or radical religious elements. ▪ It’s almost always seen as Polygyny, a man with many wives. These fringe groups often see the wives as the man’s “property” to be controlled. ▪ (Note: a woman with many husbands would be called Polyandry, and is much more rare. ) ▪ Polyamory is supposed to involve men & women as equals. And all partners are consenting. Things most polygamy (as we know it) does not always have.

It’s very important to know what someone means when they say they’re polyamorous or nonmonogamous…. ▪ Example: ▪ John & Sally say that they’re in an “Open Relationship”. ▪ Vague…. Are they swingers in a sex-only open relationship? ▪ Or are they an open polyamorous couple, each with their own additional romantic partners? ▪ Before you ask one of them out on a date, you might wanna know for sure!

What about jealousy? ● Some people feel jealousy, others don't ● Jealousy is not proof of love ● Jealousy is not a personal failing ● Jealousy may be a warning sign of other problems

What about jealousy? ● Emotions happen. We’re human. ● Jealousy is often more about our own expectations and assumptions than another person's actions ● Fear & Insecurity are major two components of Jealousy. Without them, it’s less likely to occur ● Overcoming jealousy is mainly about increasing self-awareness

What about jealousy? ▪ Know the difference between Jealousy and Envy! ▪ Envy is usually simply a result of needs not being fulfilled. Often, better communication of those needs will fix envy relatively easy. If ignored, can amplify into resentment, thus bringing jealousy up to the forefront. ▪ Overcoming jealousy is mainly about increasing self-awareness

Good Way to Combat Jealousy? Compersion: “The Opposite of Jealousy” The Feeling of Happiness or Joy when your Partner gets Happiness or Joy from their other Partner(s).

What about Safer Sex? ● Discuss it. Make sure all parties have the same definition of “safer sex”. ● Have an agreement ● Get tested regularly. For ALL the STDs. ● Honest disclosure of your status is part of the "informed" in informed consent

Is a Nonmonogamous penchant Natural, like a Sexual Orientation? Everyone has a different view. Some think it’s a choice But some think it’s natural… Often many call it a “Relationship Orientation ”. No one agrees fully, but freedom and the pursuit of happiness is all that matters, right?

What do polyamorous relationships look like? (Anything you want them to look like! There’s no “best” way!”)

What About Rules ? !? Rule #1: Do not have rules; Have Agreements! 2: Communicate. 3: Did I mention, Communicate? 4: Make sure that all communication is totally Honest, Open, and Transparent! 5: Discuss everyone’s individual boundaries and comfort zones. 6: That’s it! Everything else varies by relationship.

Major Tips! ØThere is no “right” way for everyone. Everyone has their own path. ØDifferent people will prefer different types of Ethical Nonmonogamy. Closed polyfidelity, open polyamory, swinging, open relationships, etc. All are valid and none is better than the others. ØBe patient, kind, and understanding. ØCommunicate!!!! ØKnow yourself. Speak up for yourself.

Some Pros & Cons to Polyamory: PROS ▪ No need to find “The One”, or to be “The One”. In other words, no pressure to find or be the Perfect Partner. One partner has some attributes you seek, another has others. Different partners means experiencing different ways to love. ▪ Multiple partners = a Support Network (or family of people) to depend on. ▪ Possible Freedom from antiquated ideas of ownership, possession, etc.

Pros & Cons to Polyamory (cont. ): CONS ▪ Requires improved communications skills! ▪ Time Management. Juggling schedules. ▪ Society not yet accepting. Stigma. Shock. Discrimination, etc. (To be or Not to be… …In the closet? That is the question…) ▪ Requires flexibility. Each partner has different expectations. Adjust for each, compromise, etc.

Some additional useful terms: ▪ Primary Partner: term used mostly in Open Poly Couple type relationships; referring to the “main” partner such as a spouse, domestic partner, or “regular” boyfriend/girlfriend. ▪ Secondary Partners: other partners usually not live-in, and dating/seeing each other less often than the Primary. ▪ Note: some polyamorists dislike these terms and consider them too hierarchical.

Some additional useful terms (cont): ▪ Metamour: Your partner’s partner. Sue is dating Jill is dating Sam. But, Sue & Sam are not dating --- thus they are Metamours. ▪ NRE: New Relationship Energy: Increased excitement/anticipation at the beginning of a new sexual and/or romantic relationship ▪ Solo Poly: polyamorous with what appears as a single person’s lifestyle. (i. e. , No domestic or nesting partners, No hierarchy).

Beyond Polyamory…. . Relationship Anarchy (RA) A new phrase… A philosophy in which people are seen as free to engage in any relationships they choose Spontaneity & freedom are necessary traits in healthy relationships Any relationship choice is (or should be) allowable, and in which there is not necessarily a clear distinction between “partner” and “non-partner. ” Similar to the concept of “Free Love”…. maybe?

Symbols! We all know the Rainbow LGBT Pride flag. What about for Poly?

Related Alternative-Sexualities with some Overlap in the Polyamory realm: ØSwinging / Polyamory Overlap & “grey-area” (as mentioned earlier) Ø“Queer” orientations. i. e. , Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Pansexual, Transgender, etc (LGBTQ). ØKink, fetish, and/or BDSM scenes

Local Groups & Organizations: Triangle Polyamory (Raleigh/Durham/Chapel. Hill): http: //meetup. com/Triangle. Polyamory (twitter: @poly. RDU) NC Statewide Poly Facebook Newsfeed: http: //www. facebook. com/nc. POLY Statewide/Regional Poly Resources: http: //tinyurl. com/poly. PAGE NC Gay & Bi Men’s Open-Relationship & Poly Support & Social Group: http: //facebook. com/groups/NCgay. Nonmono

Questions? AFTER THE BREAK!

BEFORE YOU LEAVE…. PLEASE take a Poly Resources and Information brochure with you!! Lots of great resources, books, weblinks. Local Polyamory/Nonmonogamy social & support groups. Links to sites to meet other polyamorous people and organizations.

More Info http: //www. morethantwo. com/ http: //polyinthemedia. blogspot. com/ http: //www. faqs. org/faqs/polyamory/faq/ http: //www. reddit. com/r/polyamory/wiki/faq http: //www. lovemore. com/ http: //www. polyamory. com/ http: //www. polyweekly. com/ http: //www. polyamory. org. uk

Attributions Myths of Monogamy excerpt from Psychology Today - http: //polyinthemedia. blogspot. com/2013/09/questioningcult-of-monogamy-one-study. html http: //3. bp. blogspot. com/-pmsq. Ctev. QXE/Ui. Iro. Xb. I 5 RI/AAAAA 1 Y/Y 6 v 1 z. D 70 reg/s 640/Psych. Todaymonogamy-studies. gif Safe sex practices study - http: //www. livescience. com/36242 -cheating-unsafe-sex-open-relationship-std-risk. html Images: Map of non-monogamy - http: //tacit. livejournal. com/333842. html Parents 1 - http: //www. flickr. com/photos/edgeplot/5850089420/ Parents 2 - http: //www. flickr. com/photos/perfesser/88768926 Disney couples - http: //www. flickr. com/photos/11325321@N 08/6884001241/ Telling the truth - http: //www. flickr. com/photos/anndouglas/6288078236/ Polyamorous configurations - http: //marriage-equality. blogspot. com/2013/04/revisiting-legal-nitty-gritty-of. html Polyskeptics 1 - http: //polyskeptic. com/2012/05/ Polyskeptics 2 - http: //cms. padraighs-alehouse. com/2013/02/24/one-hour-poly-documentary-airs-march-5 -onoprah-winfrey-network/ (Other relationships photos from Triangle Area Polyamory materials and /r/polygonemild)