Deconstructing Difficult Conversations Erica Marson and Susan Rodriguez

Deconstructing Difficult Conversations Erica Marson and Susan Rodriguez OSPA Spring Conference April 2018

Quiz Time! Be sure to write your name. You are not expected to know all the answers! Complete what you can, and don’t be afraid to guess.

Relationships matter C + C = R

Think, Pair, Share Take a moment to think about a staff member (past or present) with whom you have had difficulty communicating. What are three barriers to communicating accurately and effectively with this employee?

The Magic of Validation, Cult of Pedagogy • Why does validation work? • What are the steps to validation? • Why do we resist it? • How do the concepts shared transfer to work from an HR perspective? • How might you apply or share this article?

AASPA 79 th Annual Conference David Nelson, Vital. Smarts

Taking feedback Erica is your colleague. She is obnoxious. She looks for opportunities to undermine you, usually in front of your boss. If you make a misstep, Erica will highlight it. When you do things well, she finds a way to move the spotlight in her direction. You have never trusted her for obvious reasons. Everyone knows she’s trouble, but no one seems to ever rein her in.

Taking feedback Erica is your colleague. You have been friends since college. Erica remains a dear friend and mentor in your professional life. Her encouragement and support inspired you to move into administration. After many years as a successful building principal, you have been working the past year at the central office where Erica is your most trusted friend.

What changed? It isn’t what we say but why we are saying it. The listener reads you on two levels. • Is this a friend or foe? Do they mean to help or harm me? • Is the message right or wrong? Accurate or flawed?

Safety is about intent not content.

When safety is at risk: • Step out of the content. Stop talking about the issue and address the safety concerns. • Pause. Interrupt the rhythm. • Rebuild safety. Find mutual purpose and mutual respect, and articulate it. Authentically. • Affirm reciprocal accountability. Voice common goals and demonstrate personal regard. • Separate the person from the position he or she is in at the moment. • Share how communicating helps. Ask permission to share your input.

Speak it out or act it out.

When the fight or flight adrenaline kicks in, we are presented with a fool’s choice: be honest or be respectful. Rational thinking is diminished. We think it is either one or the other.

There is no reason we cannot be both honest and respectful.

Tell the truth. Or at least, don’t lie.

If we don’t speak it out, we will act it out.

How? Mood, gossip, false civility, emotional tone of voice, overreaction, avoidance, subtle unfairness, nonverbal hostility, etc.

Turn and Talk So what? What connections can you make to your work? What connections to relationships in your personal life?

The ethics test How would you wish to be treated? How would you undertake this decision and/or communication with the staff member you most respect? How would you hope a supervisor would approach such a situation with your loved one?

What makes difficult conversations difficult?

We think it is about content. It is about safety.

Leadership Fact: You’re scary Approach each interaction with respect and personal regard. Ensure your nonverbal behaviors are not revealing your own fears. Use documentation skillfully. Think strategically regarding your power.

Leadership Fact #2: You’re not scary enough What you choose to overlook is noticed. Your relationship changes when you become a supervisor or central administrator. Professionalism requires boundaries. No one enjoys hard conversations. Staff expect you to take them on when needed.

What could possibly go wrong? • Performance Review

The Secret of Happiness

What do I control ? Message delivery Message topic Evidence Data Directives Documentation

What do I influence ? How message is received Systematic outcomes when I address such issues Systematic outcomes when I fail to address such issues Relationship with the staff member Culture of the larger staff

What might I be concerned about that I do not control or influence? The staff member’s capacity What the staff member chooses to do The staff member’s narrative The union’s presence or narrative Story told to other staff members

Power Causes Brain Damage, The Atlantic

• Word • Phrase • Sentence

Hygiene is a set of practices performed to preserve health. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), "Hygiene refers to conditions and practices that help to maintain health and prevent the spread of diseases. " Many people equate hygiene with 'cleanliness, ' but hygiene is a broad term.

Model and maintain good communication hygiene and your organization’s culture will reward you for it.

Recognize this structure? • Red • Yellow • Green

Good Communication Hygiene • What intensive supports and systems ensure effective communication when it is most difficult? • What additional supports assist when a little extra is needed? • What universal supports and communication keep the organization functioning well?

Know your contract What are the requirements for notifying staff of the right to representation for a conversation that may later result in disciplinary action? What are the requirements for notifying staff of the right to representation for conversations or interactions in the evaluation process? What applies when a staff member is on a performance plan? Are supervisors encouraged to comply with requests to have representation present even when not required? (Think strategically about your power. )

Do you know what this is? W

You’ve got a team! WWW

Time for a quiz!