How to Talk So Kids Will Listen Listen

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. (1980). New York: Harper Collins.

Help Them Deal With Their Feelings n n n Accept their feelings. Listen with full attention. Acknowledge their feelings with a word – “Oh, ” “Mmm” or “I see. ” n n Give their feelings a name. n n Non-judgmental listening “I can see you’re frustrated. ” Give them their wishes in fantasy. n “I can tell that you didn’t like the movie. I’ll bet you wish you had seen ‘Wall-E’ instead. ”

n When you give a feeling a name, also be specific. n n n To show empathy – that you understand. Don’t say, “I understand…” because you probably don’t. Respond with “The movie was a little scary in the part where the transformer was blown up. ”

n n Don’t repeat exact words back, rephrase. Don’t repeat the names they call themselves. n n No: “You’re not so dumb because it took you three hours to do your homework. ” Yes: “It must be discouraging when work takes longer than you expect. ”

To Engage a Child’s Cooperation n Describe what you see, or describe the problem. n n Give information. n n “The towel!” Describe what you feel. n n “The towel is getting my blanket wet. ” Say it with a word. n n “There’s a wet towel on the bed. ” ‘I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed. ” Write a note. n “Please put me back so I can dry. ”

Instead of Punishment n Express your feelings strongly—without attacking character. n n n State your expectations. n n “I” statements, not “you” statements. “I’m furious my tools were left out all night!” “I expect my tools to be put back after they’re borrowed. ” Show to make amends. n “What these tools need now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease. ”

n Give the child a choice (consequences). n n Take action to follow through on consequences. n n n “You can borrow my tools and return them, or you can give up the privilege of using them. Your choice. ” Child: “Why is the tool box locked. ” Father: “You tell me why. ” Problem solve. n “What can we work out so that you can use my tools when you need them, and so that I’ll be sure they’re there when I need them? ”

To Encourage Autonomy n Let children make choices. n n Show respect for a child’s struggle. n n “Are you in the mood for your grey pants today, or your red pants. ” “A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps if you tap the side of the lid with a spoon. ” Don’t ask too many questions. n “Glad to see you. Welcome home. ”

n Don’t rush to answer questions. n n Encourage children to use sources outside the home. n n “That’s an interesting question. What do you think? ” “Maybe the pet shop owner would have a suggestion. ” Don’t take away hope. n “So you’re thinking of trying out for the play! That should be an experience. ”

Praise and Self-Esteem n Describe what you see. n “I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books lined up on the shelf. ” n n Specificity is important to give useful feedback and to show that you are not brushing them off and that you thought about it. Describe what you feel. n “It’s a pleasure to walk into this room!”

n Sum up the child’s praiseworthy behavior with a word. n “You sorted out your pencils, crayons, and pens and put them in separate boxes. That’s what I call organization!” n n Give the praiseworthy behavior a name. Don’t overdo praise or be too enthusiastic. n You must be honest and authentic so you don’t interfere with a child’s desire for accomplishment.

n Don’t use “I” statements, such as, “I’m so proud of you. ” n n Use “you” statements such as “What an achievement. You must be so proud of yourself!” Point out what they do right. n n Don’t point out mistakes, it will keep them from trying. Reward with praise and recognition.

Positive Labels and Roles n Children live up to expectations (self-fulfilling prophecy). n To the roles we put them in n n “Get me my glasses” – servant. “Mary, you’re being bossy again” – bossy. Overheard: “My oldest is a problem child. ” – a problem. Use positive labels and roles.

n Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of herself. n n “You’ve had that toy since you were three and it almost looks like new. ” – careful and responsible. Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently. n “Sarah, would you take the screwdriver and tighten the pulls on these drawers? ’

n Model the behavior you’d like to see. n n Be a storehouse of your child’s special moments when they did something good. n n “It’s hard to lose, but I’ll try to be a sport about. Congratulations on beating me. ” “I remember the time you…” – reinforcing. When a child acts according to the old label, state your feelings and/or your expectations. n “I don’t like that. Despite your strong feelings, I expect sportsmanship from you!”

Remember n n Parents, managers, and leaders are role models. Children and employees will model your behavior. n n How you act, they will act. How you treat them is how they will treat others.