Flower Mound Counseling z Communication With OUT Conflict

Flower Mound Counseling z Communication With. OUT Conflict Chris Guzniczak, Licensed Professional Counselor Intern under supervision of Tiffany Smith, LPC-S, LMFT-S, NCC

z agenda § Good Communication vs Bad Communication § 5 Secrets of Intimate Communication (EAR) § Empathy § Assertiveness § Respect

z Good Communication VS Bad Communication • Good Communication is done from a place of empathy – two people wanting to progress a relationship with mutual respect. • Bad Communication is done from a place of pride and the need to be right. David Burns MD, from The Feeling Book Handbook, copyright 1989

z Why Can’t We All Just Get Along? The “Truth” § Who’s Right § Who’s Wrong § Who’s to Blame It is amazing how often I am right, only to be criticized by the media. Illegal immigration, take the oil, build the wall, Muslims, NATO! Having a good relationship with Russia is a good thing, not a bad thing. Only "stupid" people, or fools, would think that it is bad! We. . .

z A deeper relationship is a CHOICE Are you a Good person, or are you a Bad person? Don’t judge… Seek to Understand

z 5 Secrets to Intimate Communication E-A-R § § EMPATHY § Disarming Techniques § Empathy (Thought & Feeling) § Inquiry ASSERTIVENESS § § I “feel” statements RESPECT § Affirmation David Burns MD, from The Feeling Book Handbook, copyright 1989

z Intimate Communication begins with a Change of Heart

z Empathy - Disarming Techniques § What we want to do: defend self, convince other that you are right or they are wrong, agree to truth “from others point of view” § What we should do: Find universal truth in what the other person says § “you’re right…” Aikoto: Finding unity with the other David Burns MD, from The Feeling Book Handbook, copyright 1989 #1 error: Going directly into problem solving mode

z Activity disarming technique § Your wife says “You’re always late and I’m sick of waiting for you” § § Your boss says “This proposal stinks! What were you daydreaming when you wrote it? ” § § “It’s true, I am late and you have a right to be angry” “It sounds like I really missed the boat on this proposal, even though I worked hard on it. Could you tell me what you liked and disliked about it? ” Your husband says “You’re too emotional about things! You get too upset. Why don’t you use a little logic, the world won’t end? ” § “I agree with you. I often overreact and get illogical, and it turns out that I wasn’t being realistic. ”

Empathy – Thought & Feeling Empathy z Thought Empathy Feeling Empathy § Repeat what the person said to confirm that you understand § Acknowledge what the other person is feeling to show that you understand § “I’m hearing you say that…” § “It sounds like…” § “I can imagine that you feel…” #1 error: thinking about your reply and not listening fully. Especially when being verbally attacked David Burns MD, from The Feeling Book Handbook, copyright 1989

z Empathy - Inquiry § Gently ask for more details and truthfully explore the other persons statement § Show genuine interest in what the other is saying § “Tell me more…” “How long has this…” David Burns MD, from The Feeling Book Handbook, copyright 1989

z Activity Empathy: Disarm, Thought, Feeling, Inquiry § My boss hates me! Everything I do is wrong. She is on me about what I wear. She expects more from me than anyone else. Every time I finish a project I have to redo it! § No one in my family cares about me anymore. They never call. They don’t check in to see if I’m OK. It’s like I don’t exist. § I think I might have cancer or something. I wake up and just don’t feel like doing anything anymore. I know that I need to find a job, but I just don’t have the energy.

z Assertiveness - I Feel Statements § Shift focus to how you feel vs what the other person should or should not do, think, or feel § Avoid “you statements” (you make me feel, you always, you should) § State your feelings, don’t act them out (pouting, sarcasm, criticizing, silence, bad habits) § Show imperfection – it fosters closeness David Burns MD, from The Feeling Book Handbook, copyright 1989

z Activity Assertiveness § Your wife says “You’re always late and I’m sick of waiting for you” § § “It’s true, I am late and you have a right to be angry. You are here waiting for me after work every day and its not fair. I feel like all I do is work and it makes me frustrated and sad that we don’t spend time together. Maybe we should talk more about this. ” No one in my family cares about me anymore. They never call. They don’t check in to see if I’m OK. It’s like I don’t exist. § “You’re right, it sounds like your family doesn’t care. It’s like you don’t exist if they never check in on you. That must feel very lonely. It breaks my heart to see you feel this way. How long have you felt this way? ”

z Respect - Affirmation Even in the heat of battle, say something… § KIND § AFFECTIONATE § RESPECTFUL § ADMIRING People want to feel cared for and appreciated David Burns MD, from The Feeling Book Handbook, copyright 1989

z 5 Secrets to Intimate Communication E-A-R § § EMPATHY § Disarming Techniques § Empathy (Thought & Feeling) § Inquiry ASSERTIVENESS § § I “feel” statements RESPECT § Affirmation David Burns MD, from The Feeling Book Handbook, copyright 1989 If your goal is to resolve a problem and to understand how the other person thinks and feels, these powerful techniques will help you enjoy greater intimacy.

z Activities

David Burns MD, from The Feeling Book Handbook, copyright 1989

David Burns MD, from The Feeling Book Handbook, copyright 1989

z Resources § David Burns MD, from The Feeling Book Handbook, copyright 1989 Chris Guzniczak, Licensed Professional Counselor Intern Supervised by Tiffany Smith, MS, LPC-S, LMFT-S, NCC Flower Mound Counseling 1190 Parker Square Flower Mound, Texas 75028 (972) 918 -9569 chrisguz. counseling@gmail. com www. flomocounseling. com