Wintergirls Laurie Halse Anderson By IB Youre not
Wintergirls Laurie Halse Anderson By: IB
“ You’re not dead, but you’re not alive. ” “ I’m hungry I need to eat. I hate eating. I need to eat. I love-not eating. “ Muffins. They want to jump into my mouth. No, they want to roll themselves in butter and honey. “ I’m not hungry. ” said Lia
“ I’m not eating that, ” I say. “I can’t. ” “ You aren’t supposed to push me. I have to feel safe with food. ” Two scrambled eggs+ milk+ butter= 305+ (two muffins=450) = horror. I’ll try CASSIE IS DEAD I push the plate away. “I can’t. ” “I’ll make you a deal. ” “You eat. I explain Cassie’s death. ”
It takes an hour. scrambled eggs= 25 bites one muffin= 16 bites Two mood stabilizer antidepressants “You’re sure you want to hear this. ” “ Cassie had liver damage. ” “ she was at a motel. she “ it can’t be and worse than for what I’ve been imagining. ” drank, binged, purged two straight days. ” ulcer medicine She Died Alone. “ Cassie’s esophagus ruptured. ” AND Vodka. Lots of Vodka.
Cutting pain was a different flavor of hurt. She died alone. Cassie did not visit me last night. That’s a good thing. Maybe she can finally sleep too. I see ghosts. I am 98. 00 I am 97. 00 I am 96. 00 Must. Not. Eat. New goal= 94. 00 I strip, stand on it, to weigh my faults and measure my sins. Truth= 94. 00 “You won. ” said Cassie “ I did not win. ” I win. I won. I am lost.
I cut…from between my neck to just below my heart, deep enough so I can feel something. Pain takes my breath away. FAT Drops of blood. I cut. between two ribs, then, between the ribs below that. Third line between my two ribs…heart beats frantically. “ I failed. ” The doctors tied me back together with twine. PAIN “This is a serious moment. You’re crossing over. ” -Cassie “What’s going on? ” –Lia “Lia, you’re dying. ” “You don’t have a choice. ” “You don’t deserve to live. ” “Use a bigger knife next time. cut deeper. ” - Cassie “You lied. I do have a choice!” –Lia
The concept of eating is scary. The nasty voices are always on call, eager to pull me back down : : Stupid/Ugly/Stupid/Fat/: : but I do not listen. It’s hard. I take half a cinnamon bagel. Half a bagel (165). Whole bagel (330) Two tablespoons full-fat cream cheese (80). Food is life. I breathe in slowly.
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