Where Theres Smoke Theres Fire Navigate the Smoke

Where There’s Smoke There’s Fire: Navigate the Smoke to Put Out the Fire Strategies for Conflict Resolution and De-escalation 22 April 2021 Dr. Randy Reese Clinical Neuropsychologist

Overview 1. 2. 3. 4. Identify factors that contribute to conflict/escalation Learn skills to identify personal reactions that add to conflagration Take action to reduce the conflict What to do in an inferno - when your efforts don’t change the dynamics Expectation management: This will not make you a professional negotiator DISCLAIMER: The views expressed here are my own and are not intended to represent the Naval Academy, US Navy, or Department of Defense

What causes conflict? It’s the “amygdala” stupid. …. the F? (Fight, Flee, Freeze)

The physiology of Fight or Flight The brain and body’s car alarm

How to know if someone’s alarm is going off Verbal indicators ● ● Volume Language Tone Invoke authority Non-verbal ● ● ● Expression Muscle tension Agitation Your reaction ● ● Getting angry Feeling defensive Wanting to escape Heart rate/tension

What people do when the alarm goes off Fight ● ● Challenging Attacking Beligerent Invoke authority Flight ● ● ● Disengage Not reply to contact efforts Passive aggressive Play Dead ● ● Stop replying Slow responses “Give in” even when you know it’s not what they need “Victimized” presentation

Now you see the fire and feel the sparks, how to respond? (Am I mixing too many metaphors here? ? )

How can you help de-escalate conflict if you are kindling for the fire? What is your automatic reaction to someone who is triggered? Two pronged approach to changing the response.

The physiology of Fight or Flight

Know yourself first What am I feeling? What is the root of my feeling? What are my feelings telling me to do now? Does that match what I’d do if I wasn’t feeling this way?

How do I “know” myself? Emotional Intelligence ● The ability to perceive, manage, and regulate emotions Mindfulness ● Non-judgmental awareness of the present Triggers ● What are your sensitivities and what sets you off? Self-care ● Maintaining emotional health and resilience

Wait a second - why are we talking about me? The other person started it!

“It takes two to tango. ”

Ok, fine, I’ll “know myself” - now what? Turn off the amygdala ● Relaxation response Value directed behavior ● What are your behaviors? ● How would you want to respond if emotions weren’t driving your behavior? Values ● Guess this means you have to know your values and how they translate to behaviors Time to die ● Funeral eulogy

Ok, now I’m ready to work with this angry person, what do I do?

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood” Stephen Covey, “ 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”

Understand what is triggering the defense response Ask open ended questions. Understand their needs and perspectives. Where is the friction point with your position? What do they need to feel their needs are met?

Do you actually listen? To understand or to respond? Active listening ● Fully concentrate, understand, and remember what is said Reflective listening ● Understand the speaker’s idea ● Offer idea back to confirm understanding Empathic listening ● Making an emotional connection ● Finding similarities to give heartfelt response Time to die ● Funeral eulogy

Fine. I know myself. I’m really listening. Now what? ?

Models of Conflict Resolution The Stairway ● Conflicts are based in: interests/power/rights (costs increase) Satisfaction Triangle ● Deepens Stairway model: Result (Substantive), Process (Procedural), Emotion (Psychological) Circle of Conflict ● Identify what drives conflict (threat): values, data, externals/moods, interests, structure Time to die Dynamics of Trust ● ● Funeral Looks ateulogy breakdowns in trust and subsequent blame and how to resolve the trust issues

Models of Conflict Resolution (Con’t) Law of Reciprocity ● Want to give what you receive - see previous conversation to break the cycle Loss Aversion Bias ● Cognitive bias: Pain of losing is twice as powerful as pleasure of gaining (Mindfulness, values) Boundary Model ● Defined boundaries and “norms” Time to Social Styles die Model ● Funeral eulogy Understand different personality styles

Models of Conflict Resolution (Con’t) Moving Beyond Conflict ● People identify with conflict and hard to let go ● Stages of acceptance to let go and move beyond conflict ○ ○ ○ Denial (something ending) Anger (Confusion and Distress) Acceptance (New Beginning) ● Patience, understanding, and support through this ● May impact identity to “give in”

I’ve done everything you said and they won’t budge Agree to disagree What can you still offer even without compromise? What is required by contract/position/service? Self-care - recovering from a conflagration

Questions? Comments? Suggestion?