When Sex Gets Complicated Pornography Infidelity Cybersex Marty

When Sex Gets Complicated: Pornography Infidelity & Cybersex Marty Klein, Ph. D IMHCA 3/13/16

What do most people say they want from sex? 1) Pleasure 2) Closeness But that’s not what most people focus on before or during sex!

What do people focus on during sex? • • • How they look, sound, or smell Preventing unwanted activity Ignoring (or preventing) pain Discerning partner’s feelings or judgments Trying not to climax too quickly Hurrying to climax Suppressing emotions Trying to function “the right way” Persuading partner to do certain activity (Ignoring) distracting thoughts/feelings

What can make sex complicated? • • • Shame, guilt, embarrassment Performance anxiety Feeling separated from partner Hiding from partner Fear of psychological exposure Being sexual when you don’t want to Doing things you don’t want to Fear of pregnancy or disease Difficulty resisting distraction Physical pain

What ordinary people do • • • • Masturbation Pre-marital sex Pre-marital “virginity” Extra-marital sex Pornography Romance novels Internet sexuality B/D-S/M Non-monogamy Role-playing; fantasies Piercings Anal sex Shave/wax pubic area Makeup sex Costumes • • • • Commercial sex Adult entertainment Sex toys Sex games Sex clubs Cross-dress Voyeurism/exhibitionism Same-gender sex Risk-taking Threesomes Fetishes, paraphilias Friends w/benefits Post-breakup sex Posting sexual pictures to amateur porn sites

“Normalizing”? • Don’t adjudicate what’s “normal” • Don’t refer to what “most people” do or want • Don’t refer to what “women” or “men” ‘typically’ want or don’t want Be very slow to use typicality to reassure patients!

All new technologies are applied to sexuality ASAP • • Pottery Tatooing Electric street lights Videotape & VCR Internet Office printers Second Life • • Photography Printing press Electric motor Car Telephone Herbal medicine 78 -rpm records

Sexuality & current technology • • • Sexting Sex toys Teledildonics Avatar sex (e. g. , Second Life) Grindr, other tools for hooking up Skype sex Pornography, erotic novels Apps for birth control People reading stuff on the internet How social media & smartphones are shaping human communication

Sexuality and the internet • • • Ashley Madison Facebook Chat rooms Role-playing Dating sites Hookup sites Sexting Couples cybersex Porn

As with everything the internet touches, we wonder: What is real? What matters?

Not everyone on Match. com is looking for a match! What ARE people looking for in these various forms of cybersex?

And as with all decision-making, online or offline, the eternal clinical questions remain: What were you doing? What were you feeling? What did you want to feel? What gave you what you wanted? What were you feeling or thinking about when you made your decisions?

What has the internet NOT changed? • • • What people want from sex What makes people inhibited about sex What people hesitate to reveal about themselves The similarities between male/female sexuality People finding reasons to disqualify themselves The passion, inexperience, & anxiety of youth The advantages & disadvantages of aging The heartache of betrayal Power struggles in relationships The presence of existential dilemmas; sex as a vehicle for struggling with them

Affairs raise fundamental issues about the meaning of love, trust, commitment, & individuality. Patients have to decide these meanings for themselves.

Common clinical assumptions about sexual exclusivity • It’s the gold standard of relationships • People who dislike it, don’t want it, or have trouble with it are immature or conflicted • It’s a reasonable, “normal” goal for adults • Healthy sexual desire is driven by love • Lack/loss of desire can be explained and fixed • Couples should be able to work out any issues about this

When we reify the “normality” of monogamy, we’re not helping anyone!

Sexual exclusivity? • • • Flirting Masturbating online Contacting ex. Dinner & drink w/co-worker Sex worker Profile on match. com Slow dancing w/others Fantasizing about others Watching or reading porn

the desire for intimacy vs. the desire for autonomy

the desire to be known vs. the fear of being known

the desire for sexual novelty vs. the desire for sexual predictability

the desire to feel attractive vs. the shrinking number of those who find us sexually attractive

One way people deal with these conflicts is by infidelity or other sexual betrayal.

The betrayer isn’t the only one in the couple dealing with these conflicts. S/he may be acting out the feelings of both partners.

Some ways of dealing with these conflicts are more socially approved than infidelity: • • Depression Overwork Overparenting Over-entwinement w/parents Obsession w/making money Constantly redecorating Health problems

An “affair” is a contract violation. What’s the contract? Do the partners agree on this? Renegotiating the contract— which can be painful and tedious— may be part of resolving an affair.

If one partner feels betrayed, that must be acknowledged— without admitting guilt. Then people can discuss the contract.

Renegotiating the couple’s contract may be an excruciating, drawn-out process.

We need to help people be honest about the contract they really want. Otherwise, they’re planting the seeds for future dissatisfaction.

Getting people to be honest about what they really want— as opposed to what they’re willing to settle for— can also be a tedious process.

“Emotional affairs”? Secrecy vs privacy Individuation vs exclusion

What do many adults want? adventure, excitement, novelty We say “adults should be able to create that within a relationship. ” This is our ideology, not fact. After all, how many people do so?

Most adults in modern relationships have created separate lives. It can be confusing (or disappointing) when one partner says the other has violated a boundary.

The conflict over that boundary can be fiercely emotional, with each partner marshalling arguments & resources. Don’t get pulled into voting on whether something is or isn’t an “emotional affair. ”

Online “affairs” The issue isn’t “is it an affair, ” but rather “I feel betrayed” or “I feel left out or pushed away. ” Or “I feel mistrusted or misunderstood. ”

Realistically, is there room in the relationship for betrayer to tell the truth? If not, it’s probably by unwritten agreement. Let’s remember to be compassionate.

“Emotional affair” • Experiencing part of ourselves that has no place in (our) marriage • Can help us avoid unresolved existential issue—like “am I still attractive? ” • Does NOT have to be sexual to be erotic • Does spouse feel they have any responsibility for maintaining connection with partner? • Calling it “emotional affair” can make partner defensive; “I feel left out” or “I don’t understand” is more helpful. • What truths about the relationship that NEITHER wants to discuss are revealed by the emotional affair?

Telling partner “I forbid you” makes things worse, and lacks dignity. What is person trying to accomplish with this demand?

“Why did you do it? ” “How could you? ” Most people in pain want simple answers. And are generally not satisfied with them.

Most unfaithful people say (and mean) “I love you. ” The betrayed wants to hear it, but is afraid to believe it. And if it’s true, what will protect me next time—since you betrayed me while loving me?

How do I know you won’t do it again? How have you changed? What will you do differently? How will we change?

Recovery from infidelity requires adult skills • How to accept the consequences of one's decisions • How to compromise without feeling betrayed • How to tolerate others' feelings • How to self-soothe • How to communicate when embarrassed, ashamed, angry, lonely, or anxious

Recovering from betrayal • You have to want to. It may take time even to want to. • You don’t have to know how you’re going to recover in order to want to recover. • Delicate balance of making it the other’s fault, vs. healing the problem together. • Taking your own pain seriously, vs. the need to create cooperative environment.

The betrayed Does the betrayed… • • • have any responsibilities? understand the betrayer’s pain? acquire rights? For how long? now own the relationship? get to mind-read or psychologize betrayer? now repudiate the entire relationship history? • Does betrayal justify whatever betrayed then did? • What exactly does betrayed want?

The betrayer • • • Does betrayer understand the betrayed’s pain? What is betrayer’s understanding of what s/he did? Does betrayer lose all rights? What does betrayer want? Does betrayer intend to change? – What? – How? – Why? – When?

No one can prove they’re being faithful. That’s why it’s called “trust. ”

Monitoring one’s betrayer may give the illusion of security, and be a form of punishment… But it doesn’t add to trust. It prevents the development of trust.

Resist and interpret the betrayed’s demand that betrayer divulge everything. Resist and interpret the betrayer’s impulse to gratify the demand to divulge everything.

Do one or both of them want to reconcile? • What are the conditions? • Do they have a joint vision of the desired relationship? • Do they want the sex to be different? • If they want change, how will they create it? • How will they measure the change? • Why should they stay together? • How will they know they “survived” the infidelity?

Contrasting agendas: I want to reconcile vs. I want to express my feelings If you damage the relationship enough when expressing your upset, you may not have much left to reconstruct.

The betrayed is in pain. Are there any limits to how it can be expressed? Who decides? Who evaluates the results?

The usual laws of relationship are still in effect after infidelity: There are consequences to how we express ourselves.

The betrayed can damage the relationship • • • Telling people: family, kids, friends, community Damaging property “Revenge” affair Public shaming Harming partner’s job/career Harming oneself Violating partner’s privacy Becoming bitter Refusing to participate in joint events Feeling entitled to revenge or punishment

The betrayer can damage the relationship beyond the infidelity • • • Lack of empathy (too ashamed, too angry) Response to partner’s angry response Try to get back to normal too quickly Demanding too much change, or too quickly Unrealistic expectations about the lover Expecting sex too soon Comparing partner to lover Denying reality Rolling out information gradually Resisting having a reconciliation plan Resisting self-awareness

Couples struggle over the narrative of what happened. Let’s help them do this cooperatively, although consensus may be elusive.

The betrayed may feel this (or other) suggestion means you’re taking the betrayer’s side. Since a key subject here is power, notice how patients deal with power with you.

A betrayer’s contract of fidelity isn’t their partner’s—it’s their own. Ideally, one keeps it not to prevent partner’s anger, but because one wants to honor one’s promise.

We do NOT want anyone acquiescing to a contract of fidelity. That’s part of what got the betrayer into their current problem— they didn’t own the contract.

Treating (perceived) betrayal • • • See the system Don’t take sides Betrayer doesn’t lose all rights Betrayed’s rights aren’t limitless What does Betrayed want w/info s/he’s requesting? Who defines the transgression? Asking Betrayed to tolerate our fairness is a way of maintaining their relationship What’s the goal of counseling now? Put boundaries around Betrayed’s anger They need a story for the public They’re still a partnership, right?

Genuine pain about porn • • • “I watch more than I intend to” “I feel guilty” “I feel inadequate compared to porn” “I want a partner with a perfect body” “I know she doesn’t like it” “I hate keeping a secret” • • • “He has a secret life” “I feel left out” “It’s something I just don’t understand” “I feel inadequate compared to porn” “I trust him less”

Common model of how porn affects consumers porn use → w/d from relationship think of porn during sex → disconnect during sex

Competing model of how consumers are involved with porn (1) x→ w/d from relationship → porn use x → disconnect during sex → think of porn during sex

Competing model of how consumers are involved with porn (1 a) x→ w/d from relationship ↓ porn use x → disconnect during sex ↓ think of porn during sex

X can be… • • • OCD, depression, bipolar disorder Resentment Mistrust Sense of inadequacy Shame, guilt, or anxiety Cultural confusion Masturbation is the only kind of sex that is satisfying Over-entwinement Trauma, PTSD Inhibited sexual desire Boring, frustrating, or painful sex Couples conflict * non-sexual: money, parenting, inlaws * sexual: birth control, preferences, logistics

Most common configuration of pornography & relationship relationshi p pornography use

Porn is the repository of humanity’s fantasies & curiosity about sexuality. If we don’t like what those are, we shouldn’t blame porn.

What most male & female consumers say about porn use • • • Aid to masturbation Validates self-image as sexual, vision of a sexual world Looks like abundance Know it’s a fantasy (& know the tropes) It’s easier than a troubled relationship It’s no substitute for a good relationship They don’t necessarily think of actors during partner sex They value actors’ self-acceptance & enthusiasm Their partners’ feelings about it are confusing They don’t tell others to avoid it

We—and our patients— could be more curious about the contrast between those who experience porn pain-free, and their partners in pain about porn.

Rather than getting distracted by and blaming the pornography, therapists & patients might ask a simple question: Why do you prefer sexy pictures or stories to sexual activity with a mate (or in addition to sex with a mate)?

Why some people prefer pornography to partner sex • • The sex is more satisfying Ongoing conflict in the couple No performance anxiety Control of the experience Lack of agreement on sexual routines No startup cost after long absence of couples sex No contraception or disease prevention struggles No fertility conflicts

Most patients (& couples) would rather not discuss these painful issues. Are we raising them in session? Or are they too painful for us to raise?

The painful reality of long-term monogamy: Typically, the sex gets less frequent, less intimate, less interesting, less nourishing. All while one or both partners may be getting more invested in the couple.

Conflict about pornography (including claims of porn addiction) can be a way a couple avoids discussing this.

Therapists who pathologize the decline of sex in long-term monogamy may collude with the couple’s avoidance, rather than challenging it.

Common narratives about partner’s porn use • It’s about me—not just systemically, but personally • I have a right to ban it from our life & my home • It causes our problems, and is therefore 1) my business, and 2) irresponsible behavior • I know what you think about it & how it affects you • I’m not desirable enough to compete w/porn images • Interest in it is not normal • Use of it is selfish

That is, “Your interest in porn has no legitimacy. ” Is that a message we want to support?

Let’s remember that each person is responsible for whatever narratives they create/maintain about themselves or their partner.

Porn is a convenient target • I don’t feel as emotionally connected with you during sex as I’d like. • You don’t seem so excited with me. • You have erection/orgasm difficulties with me. • You have low desire for me. • I don’t feel attractive. • I feel embarrassed about my body. • I don’t feel very sexual. • I don’t feel comfortable initiating or responding.

Common myths about pornography • • Most pornography is violent or women-hating Porn steals consumers from their partners Porn use leads to anti-social behavior Porn industry promotes child porn Most participants in videos are emotionally damaged Actresses are typically hurt during production Reducing porn watching → higher desire for partner

Common myths about porn consumers • • Consumers want to replace their partners Consumers dislike or fear women Consumers are afraid of intimacy Consumers don’t know porn is a fantasy Consuming adult porn → consuming child porn If you watch enough porn, you get addicted People end up watching porn of the “wrong” orientation • Reducing porn watching → more desire for partner sex

How much of the pornography issue is unspoken discomfort about masturbation? If A doesn’t want B masturbating, there’s no point in discussing pornography.

Is porn a form of infidelity? • • • Don’t get involved in definitions Legitimize pain & dismay without taking sides Remind each partner: polysemicity Ultimately, “infidelity” is just a label Power struggle—who controls partner’s eroticism? • Power struggle—who controls the narrative of the couple?

A common configuration of porn use within a relationship: “I have the right to forbid you from using it. ” Which means “You better keep it secret. ”

Do we generally support unilateral action or demands in a couple when the content is not porn? “I forbid you from knitting. ” “You may not hang your family’s pictures on the wall. ”

To be most helpful, we need to know exactly what someone is objecting to. What problem are they trying to solve? Whatever the problem, eliminating porn is only one of many options. We generally prefer that couples choose options together, right?

Nuts & bolts of power struggles • Does partner have the right to a porn-free house? • How do they negotiate the contract? • What if they can’t agree on a contract? • What is the relationship behavior complaint? • Which partner is actually obsessing on porn?

But doesn’t “porn exploit women? ” doesn’t “porn cause rape? ” That’s not relevant in discussions of marital conflict and marital desire.

How much legitimacy do we give political perspectives in couples therapy when the subject isn’t porn?

“You can’t bring veal into this house. ” “You may not watch TV shows featuring racial stereotypes. ” “I don’t want you buying anything made with underage labor. ”

Pornography → Social Problems ? (schematic) Availability of pornography Sexual assault Divorce Teen pregnancy Child sexual exploitation 2000 2006 2014 © Marty Klein, Ph. D 2014

Clinically, this data is completely irrelevant. Although we can note that studies show the same pattern is true in Japan, Denmark, Croatia, Czech Republic, and elsewhere

Some people are over-involved w/porn in a desperate attempt to stay in a relationship in which they feel sexually dissatisfied or emotionally hungry. Their partner (or we) may disapprove of this strategy, but the pain—and the intention— may be completely sincere.

Many people would rather talk about why men are addicted to porn than talk about why men aren’t addicted to sex with their wives/girlfriends.

Self-test for pornography addiction (25 Q) • • • I have purchased sexual products online. I have searched for online sexual material through a search tool. I have participated in sexually related chats. I have masturbated while on the Internet. No one knows I use my computer for sexual purposes. I have tried to hide what is on my computer or monitor. I have stayed up after midnight to access sexual material online. I sometimes use cybersex as a reward after a stressful day. I have met with someone I met online for romantic purposes. I use sexual humor and innuendo with others while online. I use the Internet to experiment with sexuality, such as homosexuality.

The diagnostic criteria for sex/porn addiction are culturally syntonic for Americans • • • Guilt Shame Secrecy Denial Fear of loss • • • Sexually ignorant or illiterate Fear that “I’m not normal” Conflicted about monogamy Using sex to self-medicate Lying to mate

“Porn addiction”? • • • Any healthy porn use? Secrecy, guilt are culturally syntonic Differential diagnosis? Validated diagnostic criteria? Feeling out of control ≠ being out of control Impulse problems vs compulsivity For this patient, why is porn easier than relationship? How much of this diagnosis is about masturbation? What (if any) fantasies are OK? What is “sobriety”? Why? Assumes a single set of normal activities & reasons to have sex • Any difference between mental fantasy & visual porn? • Diagnosis is easier than discussing low desire; boredom; inhibition; judgments

Strategic advantages of believing in porn addiction & sex addiction • • Better than “he’s selfish” or “he doesn’t care about me” Externalize blame Avoid looking at breakdown of couple’s (sex) life Demonize lust, passion Separate sex from other things Reinforce gender stereotypes Dignity of a medical problem Easier than talking honestly about the relationship

Many people would rather maintain the narrative of mental illness than talk honestly with their partner about sex. MANY PATIENTS (& PARTNERS) WANT THERAPISTS TO COLLUDE WITH THIS.

Religiosity & shame about sexuality predicts perception of “I’m a porn addict. ” Current Sexual Health Reports, 2014 Archives of Sexual Behavior, 2013

Challenging neuro-voodoo • • • No data re ED-porn link, or that ED is increasing No data re masturbating without porn No data re who isn’t collapsing from porn Majority of brain studies to date done on rats Of course the brain lights up No data that brain changes are permanent Rate of marriage & cohabiting is staying steady Women watch porn; what is neuro-effect on them? Women becoming more empowered every day, despite male porn-watching

When clinicians ignore science—Why? Science conclusively shows that… • • Religious people are happier The rate of sexual violence has gone down The placebo effect of being on a waiting list Clinical interventions don’t seem to matter much Sex offenders’ extremely low rate of recidivism Almost no children are kidnapped by strangers S/M participants have better communication skills Female decision-making and mood stability is often influenced in unwanted ways by menses • Porn actresses have almost the identical mental health profile as non-actresses

Growing beyond sexual impulsivity/compulsivity • • Learn how to self-soothe Accept that sex changes over time See partner as ally, not controller Identify and resolve existential issues Realize sex can’t solve all problems or fill all needs Develop other parts of self, other interests Be more willing to take own needs seriously Be more willing to communicate about sex, other things

WHAT IF WE ASSUME THAT THE “ADDICTIVE” SEXUAL BEHAVIOR IS PATIENT’S SECOND CHOICE? What might their first choice be? Is it available? Could it be? How?

Possible first choices • • • Good relationship w/partner Non-anxious sexual experiences Self-revealing, and being accepted Non-performance oriented sex Enthusiastic partner—and not feel threatened by it • Partner interested in his fetish or preferences • Not feel guilty about what he wants in real life

How much of “out of control” porn use is “out of control” internet use? The human brain has trouble managing unlimited hunting opportunities.

When people try to create “porn sex” and fail, or they succeed and don’t enjoy it, how do they explain this? Men and women have been struggling to reconcile media portrayals of sex with their own, lesser experience for over a century.

How Porn Shapes Consumers’ Expectations • • • This is what sex is like This is what satisfaction is like This is what men are like This is what women are like “Sex” is all about the sex

Some porn leaves out a lot of what people like about sex • • Anticipation Inviting & responding Kissing Caressing Laughing Whispering Feeling close Talking afterwards

We sometimes hear • • “He saw it in porn, and now he wants us to do it. ” “He expects me to look like a porn star. ” “He feels bad when he doesn’t perform like a porn star. ” “He’s lost interest in me, but is interested in porn. ” None of this is about porn— These are statements about individuals &/or the relationship.

The very first thing people need to do is talk honestly. Most couples don’t. That may take a while. Until then, diagnosis & treatment are premature. As usual, focusing on content may be of limited value.

If necessary, women need to educate their mate: I like this, not that. That’s not an unreasonable responsibility. Both genders have that job in every sexual relationship. Women have to communicate— not due to porn, but because that’s how adult sexuality works.

Helpful things you can learn from porn • • Men & women can touch themselves during sex Men & women can hand-insert a penis into a vagina Vulvas can look really different from each other Pregnant women can be sexual—and desired A man can be satisfied ejaculating outside a vagina The clitoris can be important in any sexual activity Some men like cunnilingus; some women like fellatio Some people enjoy sex toys—and can use them as a couple

“If you can fantasize about a beautiful young woman, why would you focus on me? ” Check on the woman’s self-image as a sexual object.

“I can’t compete with those women” • They’re not “women, ” they’re actresses; cf competing w/Katherine Hepburn or Scarlett Johansson (or John Wayne or George Clooney) • If partner doesn’t want you, it’s not because you’re not like an actress • If you can’t accept your body & sexuality, don’t blame porn • If there’s competition, it’s with masturbation • If it’s competition with actresses, it’s with their characters’ enthusiasm and self-acceptance— which you can develop & express for yourself

This is an existential issue. We all must come to terms with our mate not being Hugh Jackman or Jennifer Lopez, Hillary Clinton or Tom Stoppard

A culture awash in porn needs porn literacy.

Promoting porn literacy • • • Is porn real? How does your partner feel about it? Why do you watch it? Why does your partner? There’s a wide variety of material Do you experience choice about watching? Adult porn v. child porn Do you have a good sexual connection w/someone? Using porn as self-medication Women’s anxiety about safety, or discomfort with their bodies, should be addressed separately from critiquing porn

Porn is the repository of our culture’s aspirations and fears about sexuality. If we don’t like what those are, we shouldn’t blame porn. And rather than fearing the results, we should encourage non-political discussion of them.

If we don’t like porn as sex ed, we should push harder for real sex ed. And we shouldn’t bash porn as a poor sex educator while ignoring the church, fashion & music industries, the mainstream media, etc. .

Marty Klein, Ph. D Klein@Sex. Ed. org www. sexed. org @Dr. Marty. Klein