Tools for Tough Talks Jason Ryba Team Building

Tools for Tough Talks Jason Ryba, Team Building Director @ UC Irvine

5 Dysfunctions of a Team “People will forget what you said and did, but they will never forget how you made them feel. ” “Nothing will work, unless you do” -Maya Angelou, Civil Rights Activist and Poet

Style Under Stress Test Keep in mind Relationship & Circumstance while answering these questions Flight Fight Masking Avoiding Controlling Labeling Withdrawing Attacking Observable Behavior in Conflict- Strengths Deployment Inventory (SDI) Conflict Stage Focus is on: Stage 1 Stage 2 Stage 3 Self Problem Other Blue Red Green Accommodate others Rise to the challenge Be prudently cautious Surrender Conditionally Fight to win it Pull back and analyze Surrender completely Fight for survival Withdraw

Start with Heart �Work on YOU first � Focus on what you want…for you, for others, for the relationship Positive Motives Learn. Find Truth. Get Results. Build Relationships. Unhealthy Motives Be Right. Look Good/Save Face. Win. Punish/Blame. Avoid Conflict. � Refuse the Suckers Choice - Win or lose? -Peace or honesty? - Friendly or mean?

Learn To Look �When a conversation becomes crucial �Signs of silence or violence behaviors, in both of you �Usually RED FLAG warnings indicating trouble

Make it Safe � Step out of content to rebuild safety � What is off? . . . Mutual Purpose? Mutual Respect? � Apologize when appropriate � Contrast to fix misunderstandings C. R. I. B. to get to Mutual Purpose Commit to seek it together Recognize the purpose behind the strategy Invent a Mutual Purpose Brainstorm new strategies � Clarify your intent

STATE My Path � Share your facts � Tell your story – what you are beginning to conclude � Ask for Other’s paths, their facts and their story � Talk tentatively, your story is a story, don’t disguise as fact � Encourage Testing, make it safe for others to express different/opposing views

Master My Stories � Retrace your path, notice your behaviors and emotions � Analyze your own stories, question them (examples) � Get back to facts � Watch for ‘Clever Stories’

Master My Stories (cont. )

Explore Others’ Path �Start with an attitude of curiosity and patience � 4 listening skills - AMPP �Ask – express interest in their views �Mirror – respectfully acknowledge their emotions �Paraphrase – to show understanding �Prime – If they hold back, take best guess at what they are thinking/feeling �Agree ----- Build------Compare

Move to Action �Who does What, by When, and How will we follow up? �Document the plan, if it helps, for accountability �Practice! May need more than 1 conversation to reach an effective solution…things change

Questions?