Step and Blended Families William Diplock B S
Step and Blended Families William Diplock B. S. Sc. (Psychology) M. S. Sc. (Counselling) Clinical Leader and Relationships Counsellor (Relationships Australia) Private Practice at Mansfield, New Farm and Boonah. For Consultation phone: 0401 220 424 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 1
Introduction w The purpose of this seminar on Step and Blended Families is to introduce counsellors and other helpers to the complex dynamics involved in this type of family formation. w And having gained a basic knowledge, how then to intervene differently and appropriately to this most important and valuable family form. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 2
Step and Blended Families w. What is your immediate reaction to the word STEPFAMILY? 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 3
Stepfamily Narratives in Mythology w What narrative or media portrayals about stepfamilies are you familiar with? w How might these narratives assist or impede our work with stepfamilies? 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 4
Stepfamilies A rose by any other name? w What are the other names this type of family form is known by? Blended Recoupled Remarried Binuclear 17 August 2008 Synergistic Reconstituted Prefabricated © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 5
A Shift in Reasons Behind Stepfamily Formation w From Death of a Spouse w to Death of a Relationship Issues: Loss, Survival, Gain – goals, hopes and dreams 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 6
FACT: Stepfamilies are the most prevalent family form in the 21 st Century w Australian Statistics (Refers to ABS Statistics). w 30 -40% of today’s children will live in a stepfamily by the age of 18 Stepfamilies may be the prototype for the postmodern family. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 7
Step and Blended Families w A Central Question: w Are Stepfamilies Different From Biological Families in Terms of Their Emotional Life, Intra-psychic and Interpersonal Functioning? …. w And If So, How are they Different? 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 8
Step and Blended Families w w Issues of identity Legacies from former ‘first time’ families Divided loyalties Lack of child-free honeymoon period for the couple (a different boundary around the couple relationship) w Different relationships (boundaries and established alliances between adults and children) 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 9
Step and Blended Families w Heightened issues of belonging/exclusion (insider/outsider status) w A separate developmental process (a set of stages within the overall developmental family lifecycle) 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 10
Step and Blended Families are different w Treating stepfamilies as having the same needs and dynamics as intact families is a recipe for disaster. w Six Key differences : 1. A need to build a viable family out of a sense of failure or loss 2. Family members come from different histories and expectations (like a company merger) 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 11
Step and Blended Families are different 3. Only one adult is a biological parent – stepparent roles are socially and legally undefined (except for unhelpful stereotypes such as the Brady Bunch; the wicked stepmother / cruel stepfather) and as such, these roles need careful negotiation. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 12
Step and Blended Families are different 4. Children may be members of two households. 5. Financial and parenting obligations to a previous family often strain the new couple relationship. 6. Stepfamilies are complex – they have family forests rather than family trees. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 13
Two polarised Value Positions or Dominant Discourses in Relation to Stepfamilies: Position One w The stepfamily is seen as ‘damaged goods’, i. e. an unfortunate consequence of the failure of ‘normal’ or the ideal nuclear family, and inherently problematic and prone to dysfunction. 17 August 2008 Position Two w The stepfamily is seen as a part of the ongoing narrative that emanates from our socially constructed reality of what it means to be a family, i. e. the stepfamily is seen as a valid and viable alternative to other family forms or familial constellations. © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 14
Practice Implications: Position One (failure of ‘normal’) w Diagnositic (‘objective’) assessments of the stepfamily/couple made according to normative models of family life. w Psycho-educational interventions w Attempts to re-structure the stepfamily/couple boundaries and communications. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 15
Practice Implications: Position One (failure of ‘normal’) w Identifying causal relationships between current experience and family of origin/first time histories w Attempts to overcome prescribed deficits/disadvantages and problems. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 16
Practice Implications: Position Two (Valid Alternative) w Seeks to explore and evolve richer (thicker) narratives or meanings to describe the stepfamily’s/couple’s lived experience. w Emphasises the best intentions and personal agency of stepfamily clients. w Views the stepfamily’s story as evidence of resilience and looks for resources and unrealised potential. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 17
Practice Implications: Position Two (Valid Alternative) w Is sympathetic to the social, economic and political forces which impinge. w Meets the stepfamily/with a curious, ‘notknowing’ stance and seeks to find amplify examples of success or exceptions to problem stories. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 18
The Current Conventional Wisdom: Major (and sometimes conflicting) Truisms from the Professional Literature. w Insecurity and loss result from having the dream of the first relationship/family shattered. w Stepfamily couples often try to act “as if” they are the first time families and ignore the unique territory they inhabit. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 19
The Current Conventional Wisdom: Major (and sometimes conflicting) Truisms from the Professional Literature. w Difference and divided loyalties often go unacknowledged in the couple’s search for reformation. w It is helpful when the challenges faced by stepfamily couples are normalised. w ‘Nuclear family’ maps, or the prevailing family ideology, should not be imposed on stepfamilies as it forecloses many possibilities/solutions. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 20
The Current Conventional Wisdom: Major (and sometimes conflicting) Truisms from the Professional Literature. w The success of the stepfamily depends on the strength and resolution achieved within the stepfamily couple relationship. w The stepfamily progresses through a series of predictable/transitional developmental stages seldom completed before 5 -7 years. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 21
The Current Conventional Wisdom: Major (and sometimes conflicting) Truisms from the Professional Literature. w It is important to work through the grief of former marriage/family breakdown. w There will be role ambiguity and a mismatch of expectations in stepfamilies/couples. w Intra-psychic as well as interpersonal dimensions are relevant to stepfamily/couple work. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 22
Step and Blended Families and Therapy w Stepfamilies seek therapy when emotional tensions are high, integration seems impossible, and the family is functioning in ways that increase, rather than reduce stress. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 23
Step and Blended Families and Therapy w One of the most important things a therapist can do is to help stepfamilies understand the differences between the stepfamily system and a biological system. w This allows step family members to n form realistic expectations for the stepfamily n define alternative roles and rules n adopt new rituals. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 24
Step and Blended Families and Therapy w Stepfamilies that seek help are already at risk and what is said in therapy cannot be taken back w Working with the entire family may increase the fragility of an already fragile system. w The marital dyad lacks the history of the parent-child dyad; thus therapy that focuses initially on the couple rather than the family can be most beneficial. w Once the marital dyad is stabilized, family therapy can be helpful. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 25
Step and Blended Families and Interventions w Papernow (1993) recommends the use of interventions that; (a) Draw attention to unvoiced longings for something that cannot be, (b) Provide information that places fantasies in perspective and normalizes feelings, 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 26
Step and Blended Families and Interventions c) Separate ‘shoulds’ from realities, d) Explore the losses involved in relinquishing fantasies, and e) Look for external influences that may be counterproductive. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 27
Step and Blended Families w The therapist’s acknowledgement of the difficulty in integrating two families, with different histories and rules, can help members to normalize the stepfamily’s struggle as merely anxiety-provoking, as opposed to pathological. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 28
Developmental Models Papernow (1993) Fantasy (the invisible burden) Immersion (sinking versus swimming) Awareness (mapping the territory) Action (going into business together) Contact (intimacy and authenticity in step relationships) w Resolution (holding on and letting go) w w w 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 29
Developmental Models Newman (1992) w w w 17 August 2008 The The The fantasy stage confusion stage conflict stage ‘coming together’ stage resolution stage © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 30
Stepparents and Stepchild Relationships Where it Works 1. The stepchild had a good relationship with the parent. 2. The parent and the stepparent were both clear that this was the role they wanted the stepparent to play. 3. The parent took a responsible attitude to discipline and enforced rules that had been previously agreed upon. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 31
Stepparents and Stepchild Relationships Where it Works 4. The child was responsive to friendly overtures, if not at first, then with time. 5. The stepparent genuinely liked the stepchild and was able to cultivate common interests. 6. The access parent was not trying to embitter the stepchild. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 32
Stepparents and Stepchild Relationships Where it Works 7. The child had developed skills in solving problems and generating friendships. 8. The stepparent gained the child’s affection, before (if at all) trying to exercise control over the child. (Webber 1989: 92) 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 33
Stepparents and Stepchild Relationships Where it Works w The two crucial areas that need to be negotiated in order to find a mutually satisfactory stepparent role is discipline and nurturance. w In some families, children actually prefer the company of the stepparent to that of the parent. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 34
Stepparents and Stepchild Relationships Where it Works w The role that stepparents carve out for themselves may be different from that of parent, but it can be just as rewarding. w It is crucial that parents are supportive of stepparents in the stepparents’ endeavours to find a place for themselves in the family. w Many stepparents who have successfully developed good relationships with their stepchildren claim they had to work hard to gain the child’s trust and confidence. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 35
Next Steps w This has been a brief introduction to this important topic w Our next steps include; l l l Make yourself familiar with the following resources. Make a space in your heart for your clients to be your best teachers. You will learn more than you can ever know. Seek good supervision 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 36
Resources: Books w Einstein, E. and Albert, L. (1986). Strengthening Your Step. Family w Johnson, J. (1997). How do I feel about my Stepfamily STORYBOOK w Newman, M. (2004). Stepfamily Life: Why it is different and how to make it work. w Ridden, S. (2002). Hell…p! I’m a Stepmother. w Shimberg, E. (1999). Blending Families: A guide for parents, stepparents and everyone building a successful new family. w Visher, E. and Visher J. (1988) Old Loyalities, New Ties: Therapeutic Strategies with Stepfamilies. w Webber, R. (1995) (2 nd Ed) Living in a Stepfamily. w Wisdom and Green (2002) Stepcoupling: Creating and sustaining a strong marriage in today’s blended family. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 37
Resources: Journals w Pasley, K (1996) Successful Stepfamily Therapy: Client’s perspective. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 38
Resources: Internet w www. stepfamily. asn. au w www. stepfamily. org. au w www. focusonyourchild. com 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 39
Resources: Movies w STEPMOM With Julia Roberts, Susan Sarrandon and Ed Harris. 17 August 2008 © 2008 -2011 William Diplock 40
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