Spousal Support First Responders Presenter Chaplain Warren Hiebert
Spousal Support: First Responders Presenter: Chaplain Warren Hiebert Gallatin County Sheriffs Office Bozeman, Montana
(The Usual or Common) NEEDS AND DIFFERENCES (In Most Marriages) FEMALE “Be-er” Helper MALE “Do-er” Achiever, conqueror, aggressor
FEMALE More interested in marriage success; fulfillment and extension of self in children and home MALE Fulfillment and extension of self in vocation and activities; difficult to shift gears when home
FEMALE More emotional, internalizes, insightful, intuitive, personal, intensive MALE More logical, externalizes, extensive
FEMALE People-oriented MALE Thing-oriented (Business and industry)
FEMALE Verbal ability MALE Abstract ability; less of a listener
FEMALE More social MALE More task-oriented
FEMALE Loses identity easier - needs reassurance (security) and “gifts” more; more sensitive to criticism; MALE Takes chances; more self-sufficient; male interests, pursuits and hobbies
FEMALE Needs to be protected, cherished, loved, appreciated, listened to (even little details) MALE Has fear of inadequacy or failure; needs self-image reinforced to feel competent, worthwhile, believed in, encouraged and listened to
FEMALE Needs much affection, approval and recognition to keep the romance alive MALE Needs a wife who can seduce and be seduced and is attractive to him as other women he meets, to keep the romance alive.
FEMALE Wants a husband concerned about the familya handyman – a lover - a protective father MALE Whining, self-pity, complaining (a woman’s effort to gain attention) only drives him out (activities), or in (cold castle of silence) He seeks an allforgiving, ever-loving, understanding wife who is also a sounding board, and ego-builder
Wives are exasperated by the husband’s. . . 1. Lack of interest and leadership in the home 2. Poor listening - especially to “details” 3. Lack of understanding of her emotional makeup 4. Lack of special remembrances (birthdays, etc. )
Husbands are exasperated by the wife’s. . . 1. 2. 3. 4. Tendency to control (dominate) Lack of emotional control Attacks (direct, verbal or indirect, clinging) Tendency to live in a fantasy, storybook world NEITHER IS INFERIOR NOR SUPERIOR; JUST “WIRED” DIFFERENTLY
Keys To A Healthy Relationship BAGS AND BOXES
BAGS Women tend to see the world as a whole. All the issues of life are in her bag.
BOXES Men view the world as a series of boxes. . . one item at a time. Each box is our whole world. door Man passes through a corridor each day, dealing with boxes (items) one at a time. When he’s done, he closes the and moves on to another box.
MAN FROM SNOWY RIVER
Keys to A Healthy Relationship THINKING PROCESS
MEN PRO and CON LOGICAL AND REASONABLE
WOMEN PRO and CON LOGICAL and REASONABLE INTUITION
INTUITION When men accept the intuitive side, the wife feels more loved. • 99% of the time she goes with intuition • 90% of the time she is right • 10% of the time, watch out ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING! YOUR SPOUSE IS ON YOUR SIDE!
What about your attitude? Zigler, in his book, COURTSHIP AFTER MARRIAGE, says this: It is far more important to be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right kind of person. “If you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all. On the other hand, if you marry the right person and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person. ”
In short, whether you married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you. Please let me emphasize that if you have had a failed marriage or you are having family difficulties, my intention is not to hang any feelings of guilt on you. The past is exactly that---the past. “You can’t sawdust, and what is done” I would trust that any mistakes you’ve made have been mistakes of the head and not of the heart.
Like Mr. Zigler says: “Like most people, you did what you did when you did it because at the time and under those circumstances, with the information you had available, that was the best you could have done---period”. Nothing will be accomplished by whipping yourself at this stage of the game. Enough said. Let’s leave it at that and move on!
Most marriages do not end in blow-outs, but slow leaks; over time one or the other just gives up. Illustrations: Sports Calving
Andrew Carnegie had 43 millionaires working for him How did he develop these men? How was he able to pay them? He replied: “You develop people in the same way you mine for gold. When you mine for gold, you must literally move tons of dirt to find a single ounce of gold. However, you do not look for the dirt---you look for the gold. ”
ENTHUSIASM. . . That certain something that makes us great – pulls us out of the mediocre and commonplace – that builds into us Power. It glows and shines, it lights up our faces. Enthusiasm, the key that makes us sing and men sing with us.
ENTHUSIASM. . . The maker of friends The maker of smiles The producer of confidence. It cries to the world, “I’ve got what it takes. ” It tells all men that your job is a swell job – the company you work for just suits you – the goods you have are the best.
ENTHUSIASM. . . The inspiration that makes you “wake up and live. ” It puts spring in your step – spring in your heart – a twinkle in your eyes – confidence in yourself and your fellowmen.
ENTHUSIASM. . . A reason gone mad to achieve a definite, rational objective.
ENTHUSIASM. . . Is inflamed by opposition, but never converted; it’s the leaping lightning that blasts obstacles from its path.
ENTHUSIASM. . . Is a contagion that laughs at quarantine and inoculates all who come in contact with it.
ENTHUSIASM. . . Is the vibrant thrill in your voice that sways the wills of others into harmony with your own.
ENTHUSIASM. . . Is the “philosopher’s stone” that transmutes dull tasks into delightful deeds.
ENTHUSIASM. . . Is a magnet that draws kindred souls with irresistible force and electrifies them with the magnetism of its own resolves.
ENTHUSIASM. . . Do you have it? Then thank God for it! If you haven’t got it then get down on your knees and pray for it!
How do you change your spouses attitude? YOU START BY CHANGING YOU! COBWEBS
Survey of marriages 25 years + Over whelming 84% took their mates not only for better or worse but for as they are. 89% “strive to accept” their mates just the way they are right now.
Golden Rule “Do unto others…. Spoil your mate: “Daddy spoiled me”
TEN COW WIFE
If you treat her as a thoroughbred you won’t end up with a nag. If you treat him as a champ you won’t end up with a chump. Give your loved one something to live “up to” not “down to”. The kind little things are an indication of class. Leaders are courteous and polite.
Keys to A Healthy Relationship SEXUALITY
She views this as part if the whole picture TLC Intercourse/Orgasm Women Man Mind Touch Mind Eye (aroused through)
TLC Things that add to TLC Doing Dishes Gentle Walk Holding Hands Showing her that she is valuable - words and deeds
Keys to A Healthy Relationship COMMUNICATION
Attacks … Defends … Withdraws … WAR • Revelation: Reveal yourself. . . “I feel, I need, I would like” • Clarification: “What are you thinking about? ” • Resolution Resolve it - talk it out Reverse it - “This is how I feel. ” Move on - it doesn’t matter
CAROL BURNETT
LISTENING TAKES TIME
MEN TALK TO SOLVE PROBLEMS. . . 98% of the time a woman talks to a man, she doesn’t want his solutions. WOMEN TALK FOR THIS REASON (RE/CREATION) THEY RECREATE THEIR WORLD. . . BAGS AND BOXES
PRESCRIPTION FOR A SUPERB MARRIAGE By Dr. Ed Wheat. . . Love Life THE B. E. S. T. METHOD
• These four steps are not to be tried one at a time, but four measures to be taken simultaneously and maintained consistently. If necessary, they can be implemented by either partner alone. In many cases, one of you will have to make the first move without any promise of cooperation from the other.
Blessing • The practice of blessing puts an end to the volley of sharp words that mar so many love affairs. That is only the beginning of its benefits for you! • Blessing is made up of two Greek words meaning “well” and “word. ”
• The first way of blessing your marriage partner or family is to speak well of him or her, and to respond with good words even when your partner’s speech becomes harsh, critical, or insulting. • You can also bless be learning when to be silent.
• Bless by doing kind and loving things for another person. When is the last time you did something kind for your mate, just to please? Not as a duty, but as a gift of blessing. Try to do this daily.
• Bless also by showing thankfulness and appreciation. Whatever you can find to appreciate in your partner, make it known. * Be the first to say the meal was very good. * Tell your spouse they look or smell good, or are so very handy!
• Finally, bless by calling God’s favor down in prayer. SUMMARY *Good works *Kind actions *Thankful appreciation *Don’t forget to pray for your spouse!
Edifying Refers to the building up of individuals. • Personal encouragement: noticing good things about the person. • Inner strengthening: character qualities (noticing the good quality which causes the good things. )
• The establishment of peace and harmony between individuals. The husband edifies the wife by praising her. The wife edifies the husband by a loving response to him. EDIFICATION builds up – never tears down!
• Practice thinking about things you find attractive in your mate - every positive quality your partner possesses. SUMMARY Will these words build up or tear down? What can I say right now that will edify, build up, encourage, strengthen, and bring peace?
Sharing • The more ways you can find to be in relationship with each other, the stronger your love will become.
• Sharing should touch all areas of life: -Your time -Activities and hobbies -Interests and concerns -Ideas and innermost thoughts -Spiritual walk -Family objectives -Goals (and so on) • Sharing demands giving of yourself! • Listening to your partner.
SUMMARY As you live life together, develop a sensitive awareness of moments that offer possibilities for deepening the love between you.
Touching (non-sexual touching) • God created us with hundred of thousands of microscopic nerve endings in our skin designed to sense and benefit from a loving touch. • A tender touch tells us we are cared for. It can calm our fears, soothe pain, bring us comfort, or give us the blessed satisfaction of emotional security.
• Our need for a caring touch is normal and healthy and we will never outgrow it. • Why are couples encouraged to touch more? -Our Western civilization is highly sexual; it frowns on or ignores touching apart from sex. -For men in today’s world, there are only three acceptable kinds of touching:
1. Superficial handshakes 2. Aggressive contact sports 3. Sexual encounter Men have been conditioned to turn to sex whenever they feel any need for loving closeness. That’s why we need that warm, reassuring intimacy of non-sexual touching.
SUMMARY If you would like to kindle a flame in your marriage, then begin to show your love through physical touching!
FIND SOME WAY TO TAKE THE JOB SERIOUSLY WITHOUT TAKING YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY! BALANCE IS THE KEY. . . HUMOR SPORTS RELIGION HAVE THE FAMILY HELP YOU IN FINDING BALANCE.
BE CAREFUL AT WORK TO KEEP YOURSELF ALIVE! BE CAREFUL AT HOME TO KEEP YOUR FAMILY ALIVE! Dr. Russ Lord
The Family Circus
REMEMBER, THERE IS NO SWEAT ON GOD’S BROW.
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