SEXUAL ADDICTION Worldviews of Sexuality Worldviews of Sexuality

SEXUAL ADDICTION

Worldviews of Sexuality

Worldviews of Sexuality FAITH-BASED WHOLE PERSON MODEL SECULARIST HUMANISTIC MODEL

Worldviews of Sexuality FAITH-BASED, WHOLE PERSON MODEL SPIRIT SOUL BODY

Worldviews of Sexuality n Secularist / Humanist – up to 5 genders n Heterosexual male n Heterosexual female n Homosexual female n Bisexual

n Worldviews of Sexuality 7 Characteristics of Sex Addict – Luke 15 From Doug Weiss video “Ministering to the Sexually Addicted in the Church” n n n n Entitlement Opportunistic Surface Relationships Alone Treat people as OBJECTS ISOLATE from others Driven/Persistent

Levels of Addiction by n n n Patrick Carnes Level One BEHAVIOR- masturbation, heterosexual and homosexual relationships, pornography, and prostitution. CULTURAL STANDARDS- Depending on behavior, activities are seen as acceptable or tolerable. Some specific behaviors such as pornography and prostitution are Sources of controversy. LEGAL CONSEQUENCES’ RISK- Sanctions against those behaviors, when illegal, are ineffectively and randomly enforced. Law priority for enforcement officials generates minimal risk for addict. VICTIM- These behaviors are perceived as victimless crimes. However, victimization and exploitation are often components. PUBLIC OPPINION OF ADDICTION- Public attitudes are characterized by ambivalence or dislike. For some behaviors such as womanizing there is a compelling negative hero image of glamorous decadence.

Levels of Addiction by n n Patrick Carnes Level two. BEHAVIOR- Exhibitionism, voyeurism, indecent phone calls, and indecent liberties. n CULTURAL STANDARDS- None of these behaviors is acceptable. n LEGAL CONSEQUENCES’ RISKS- Behaviors are regarded as nuisance offenses. Risk is involved since offenders, when observed, are actively prosecuted. n VICTIM- There is always a victim. n PUBLIC OPINION OF ADDICTION- Addict is perceived as pathetic and sick but harmless. Often these behaviors are the objects of jokes which dismiss the pain of the addict.

Levels of Addiction by Patrick Carnes n Level Three- n BEHAVIOR- Child molestation, incest and rape. n CULTURAL STANDARDS- Each behavior represents a profound violation of cultural boundaries. n LEGAL COUNSEQUENCES’ RISKS- Extreme legal consequences create high-risk situations for the addict. n VICTIM- There is always a victim. n PUBLIC OPINION OF ADDICTION- Public becomes outraged. Perpetrators are seen by many as subhuman and beyond help.

5 Core Beliefs of a Sex Addict by n n n Patrick Carnes I am basically a bad, unworthy person. No one would love me as I am. My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others. Sex is my most important need. I am bad because sex is my most important need.

The Addiction Cycle by Patrick Carnes Despair Pre-occupation Act out Ritualization

The Addiction Cycle by Patrick Carnes Preoccupation/Fantasy Ritualization Sexual Compulsivity Despair n n ¨ ¨ Shame Guilt

The Addictive System by Patrick Carnes Belief Unmanageability System Addiction Cycle Impaired Thinking

TYPICAL EXTREME SEXUAL BEHAVIORS / ATTITUDES IN SA’s FAMILY OF ORIGIN - CHAOTIC: § § No accountability for sexual behavior. Discrepancies between values and sexual behavior. Parental sexual unmanageability. Inconsistent standards of sexual behavior and inconsistent punishment of child’s sexual behavior.

TYPICAL EXTREME SEXUAL BEHAVIORS / ATTITUDES IN SA’s FAMILY OF ORIGIN- RIGID: Unreachable expectations about sexuality. n Black and white moral standards. n Severe punishment of child’s sexual behavior. n Unrealistic models of appropriate sexual behavior. n

TYPICAL EXTREME SEXUAL BEHAVIORS / ATTITUDES IN SA’s FAMILY OF ORIGIN - DISENGAGED: Sex a matter to find out by self. n Emotional abandonment. n Tension and distance around sexual matters. n Lack of physical or sexual affirmation. n Evasion of sexual issues. n

TYPICAL EXTREME SEXUAL BEHAVIORS / ATTITUDES IN SA’s FAMILY OF ORIGIN - ENMESHED: n n n Lack of sexual boundaries. Anxiety about sexual behavior reflecting on family. Secrecy preserved by no talk rule with outsiders. Sexual abuse, covert and overt. Limited sexual privacy.

TYPICAL EXTREME SEXUAL BEHAVIORS / ATTITUDES IN SA’s FAMILY OF ORIGIN (from “Contrary to Love”) CHAOTIC DISENGAGED ENMESHED RIGID

The “New” Addiction Cycle by Pain Agents n ¨ ¨ n n n Emotional Discomfort Unresolved Conflict Stress A need to connect Disassociation The Altered State Pursuing Behavior Time Doug Weiss

CYBERSEX ADDICTION CHECKLIST If you answer yes to 3 or more questions, this may be an area of concern and should be openly discussed with a friend or family member. If you answer yes to more than 6 questions, consider, (a) counseling with a professional trained in addictive disorders and (b) checking out a 12 Step support group for sexual addicts.

Sexually Addictive Behavior Patterns in Women n n Sexual addiction has traditionally been viewed as an exclusively male problem. But increasingly, women are acknowledging their own destructive patterns involving sex and dependency relationships. The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity has identified the following sexually addictive behavior patterns in women:

Sexually Addictive Behavior Patterns in Women n n Compulsive sexual fantasizing and masturbation. Excessive flirting, dancing or personal grooming to be seductive. Cruising to be seen by men in malls, bars, etc. Wearing provocative clothing whenever possible ( a form of exhibitionism).

Sexually Addictive Behavior Patterns in Women n Changing one’s appearance via excessive dieting, excessive exercise, and/or reconstructive surgery to be seductive. n Exposing oneself in a window or car. n Multiple (or long-term) extramarital affairs.

Sexually Addictive Behavior Patterns in Women n Disregard of appropriate sexual boundaries, e. g. considering a married man, one’s boss, or one’s personal physician as appropriate objects of romantic involvement. Trading sex for drugs, help, affection, money, social access or power. Having sex with someone they just met at a party, bar, or on the Internet (forms of anonymous sex).

Six Types of Sex Addicts These 6 kinds of sex addict span the 3 -fold nature of man as described in 1 Thessalonians 5: 23: ”May your whole spirit, soul, and body be kept blameless. ” Source: “Ministering the Sexually Addicted in Church, ” video series; Doug Weiss, Ph. D. , Discovery Press, Colorado Springs, Colorado

Six Types of Sex Addicts (CONT. ) Ø Ø Ø BIOLOGICAL BASED- primarily, if not totally neuro-chemically based behavior. This person has never been abused, and may even be a virgin. But this one discovers pornography or fantasy based sex with self and may even put in thousands of hours into a double life. This person seeks the mood alteration rewards of all the neurotransmitters in the brain activated by arousal and sexual release.

Six Types of Sex Addicts (CONT. ) When it comes to a general genetic susceptibility, the leading suspect is a defect in the dopamine system, experts say. In the past decade or so, researchers have discovered that although drugs affect a variety of neurotransmitters, virtually all of them increase the levels of dopamine in the brain's mesolimbic region, which is involved in pleasure, reward and motivation. Copyright 2000 The New York Times

Six Types of Sex Addicts (CONT. ) 1. PSYCHOLOGICAL/SOUL BASED- 2. This person’s addiction is based on abuse, neglect, abandonment issues in the early years; family of origin issues.

Six Types of Sex Addicts (CONT. ) Ø SPIRITUAL BASED- Ø This person’s addiction is based on the absence of God in their life. These individual’s behaviors stop at the point of a born-again or regeneration experience. Ø This person can also be a Christian who acts out until there is a “deliverance” experience. Then the addiction goes away.

Six Types of Sex Addicts (CONT. ) Ø TRAUMA BASED- Ø This person’s addiction is typical of someone with sexual abuse issues, who keeps acting out, or reliving, their own abuse with others or in ritual.

Six Types of Sex Addicts (CONT. ) Ø SEXUAL ANOREXIC- Ø This person will avoid emotional and sexual intimacy with their spouse. Ø They employ hostility, projection, withholding, “acting in”, and other manipulations while secretly leading a double life of sexual acting out bursts.

Six Types of Sex Addicts (CONT. ) Ø SEX ADDICT WITH A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE- Ø This person uses sexual arousal and release to balance out particular mood disorders with a strong organic brain chemistry component. Ø This person may also habitually use sex to help them go to sleep at night.

Couples Who Do Well in Recovery: Have made their individual recovery a first priority Both connect with others through attending 12 -step meetings as well as reach out to others for support Usually have individual/couple counseling to identify systems that no longer work Accept that couple recovery is a challenging and evolving journey Read books & employ audiovisual resources for information Are willing to grow spiritually Have a strong respect for a commitment toward each other.

What Couples in Recovery Can Expect The first three to six months of couple recovery are usually the most stressful. Both partners will experience a wide range of powerful feelings. There are often difficulties in the areas of communication styles, intimacy levels, sexuality, spirituality, parenting, past trauma, and finances. Identification of the sexual addiction/coaddiction systems, although painful at first, holds hope for eventual relief of the far greater pain of the addiction. The following is a list of what to expect in the early stages:

What Couples in Recovery Can Expect Relief: The addict usually finds a great sense of relief after admitting the secret of the addiction. The end of the double life and shame may bring a premature sense of accomplishment, which needs to be reinforced by attending meetings, going to therapy, and connecting with program friends for support. Coaddicts also feel a sense of relief at the end of secrecy and validation of their experience of pain. Anger: Both partners can expect to experience anger. The revelation that the life partner is a sex addict may trigger much anger mixed with legitimate hurt and betrayal. The addict feels anger about the need to make changes as part of recovery. Both partners may blame and shame the other.

What Couples in Recovery Can Expect n Hope: The work being done by both partners can bring new life and hope to the relationship. Both partners are encouraged to work in therapy and attend separate 12 step meetings as well as couples meetings such as Recovering Couples Anonymous. n Self-esteem: The self-esteem of both partners initially may worsen but with continued work will improve. n Intimacy: Recovering couples begin to communicate at a more intimate level, often on issues they have never discussed before. Communication skills such as empathic listening, being respectful, and expressing vulnerability, are essential to both partners' recovery.

What Couples in Recovery Can Expect Grief: The addict experiences pain over the loss of their "best friend, " the addiction. The coaddict mourns the loss of the relationship as it was imagined to be. Co-addicts often berate themselves for not having been aware sooner of the addiction. Spirituality: Couples who grow spiritually together have hope that a power greater than themselves is also involved in the re-creating of their relationship.

What Couples in Recovery Can Expect Sexual issues: Sex has a different meaning in recovery. The goal becomes intimacy rather than intensity. Abstinence, and later the frequency, types, and quality of sexual contacts, are issues that the recovering couple must address. Past sexual relationships as well as possible past child sexual abuse of either partner need to be explored. Where other sexual partners were involved, the possibility of HIV infection and other sexually transmitted diseases must be faced early. Couples who continue to learn about healthy sexuality will do better as they address these sexual issues. Position Paper: National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity

Intimacy Needs SA’s Attempt to Fill Source: Intimate Life Ministries, Austin, Texas Ø Scriptures are filled with these “one another” passages which focus on giving to another. Ø Each contains an admonition to give, but also a need which others must have. Ø A study of these one-another passages gives insight into God-created needs which we have opportunity to meet.

Intimacy Needs SA’s Attempt to Fill (CONT. ) n ACCEPTANCE- deliberate and ready reception with favorable positive response. Romans 15: 7 n n n AFFECTION (Greet with a kiss)- to communicate care and closeness through physical touch. Romans 16: 16 APPRECIATION (Praise)- to communicate with words and feelings personal gratefulness for another. 1 Corinthians 11: 2 APPROVAL- expressed commendation; to think and speak well of. Romans 14: 18

Intimacy Needs SA’s Attempt to Fill (CONT. ) n ATTENTION (Care)- to take thought of another and convey appropriate interest, support, etc. ; to enter into another’s “world” I Corinthians 12: 25 n ENCOURAGEMENT- to urge forward and positively persuade toward a goal. 1 Thessalonians 5: 11, Hebrew 10: 24 n n RESPECT (Honor)- to value and regard highly; to convey great worth. Romans 12: 10 SECURITY (Peace)- confidence of “harmony” in relationships; free from harm. Mark 9: 50

Intimacy Needs SA’s Attempt to Fill (CONT. ) n n n n ACCEPTANCE ADMONITION AFFECTION (holy kiss) APPRECIATION (Praise) APPROVAL ATTENTION (Care) COMFORT (Empathy) COMPASSION CONFESSION DEFERENCE (Subject) DEVOTION DISCIPLINE EDIFICATION (Build up) ENCOURAGEMENT FORGIVENESS n n n n HARMONY HOSPITALIY INTIMACY (Fellowship) KINDNESS LOVE PRAYER RESPECT (Honor) SECURITY (Peace) SERVE SUPPORT (Bear of Burdens) SYMPATHY TEACHING TOLERANCE (Forbearance) TRAINING (Equip) UNDERSTANDING (Same Mind)