Setting Boundaries 17 Sept 2020 A family boundary

Setting Boundaries 17 Sept 2020

• A family boundary delineates what is your responsibility in life and what is not (just like property line) • Setting Boundaries is a fence not a wall; it will let the bad out and the good in. if we don’t let the good in, that’s avoidance What is a boundary? • It clarifies what you are for and what you are against — what you will allow and what you will not — all for the purpose of protecting and guarding the family God has given you. (your limits) • Ultimately, a boundary is about taking stewardship over your heart and the heart of your children: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4: 23). Your feelings, attitudes and believes, behaviors and choices, your values • The bible teaches us about setting boundaries; how to be responsible to others and for others” carry each other’s burdens” Galatians 6: 2, receiving blessings and salivation • Clear boundaries with your Children not only create more order in the family, they also provide a way for them to mature as they learn how to control their choices.

Questions that parents are concerned with about setting boundaries: Parents Struggling With Boundaries - Can I set boundaries and still be a loving parent? - What are legitimate boundaries? Dos and don’ts - What if someone gets upset by my boundaries? - How do I respond when people need my time, energy or money and I can’t give it? - Why do I feel guilty or afraid to confront people about the boundaries I set? - Are boundaries selfish?

Parents Struggling With Boundaries – Common Reasons Our culture • Our culture doesn’t promote setting boundaries • We are we raised to try to accommodate and get out of our way • Shifting our habits will require practice starting with ourselves and then with our children •

Parents Struggling With Boundaries – Common Reasons We’d prefer not to upset our children (who wouldn’t? ) • Discomfort with our children’s strong emotions is the number one reason parents struggle to provide clear boundaries and can cause us to doubt every decision we might make • Kids feel it’s not fair (mom is mean) • We confidently establish a boundary. Our child expresses displeasure (which can include frustration, disappointment, sadness, anger, rage). We stay anchored during this storm, patiently accepting and acknowledging our child’s displeasure. • Children often push for our boundaries because they know intuitively that they need the safety of our calm, confident responses, and also to release uncomfortable feelings simmering inside them. Our acceptance of these feelings eases the need to test and is one of the most profound ways we can express our love. It gets a little easier for us with practice.

Parents Struggling With Boundaries – Common Reasons Confusing advice- examples • Only set limits with your children for safety reasons • What about emotional safety and peace of mind, self care, spiritual growth, limits that are age appropriate? • Don’t set limits that might feel like punishments to your children • This philosophy plays right into our doubts and fears about upsetting our children • It’s ok to use time out or take way privileges even when that’s upsetting to the child • Apologizing all the time for our decisions shows lack of self confidence • When children push limits, make them laugh • It isn’t beneficial to us or our children to pretend to feel silly and perky when we are actually annoyed or angry. Shouldn’t we be modeling authenticity? • doesn’t this teach children that their negative feelings are not okay?

Parents Struggling With Boundaries – Common Reasons - We are afraid our limits might crush our child’s free spirit • This works exactly the other way around. When parents learn to set boundaries, the transformation in their children’s behavior and demeanor is dramatic. • Formerly clingy and demanding children are suddenly able to stop trying to control every situation with parents or peers. This is freedom. - Our love for our children blures the need for boundaries - Our understanding of setting boundaries is incorrect; yelling, controlling vs establishing understanding and alignment and agreeing on consequences - We copy other parent’s values and boundries vs. set the right boundaries for what matter to us as a Christian family

• Trust, empathy and unconditional love seem to come naturally for parents like us. Boundaries, not so much. When Parents Don't Set Boundaries, Counselors Get More Clients • Easy for us to become so focused on giving our children trust and freedom that we overlook their even more crucial need to feel securely rooted, lack of boundaries is considered neglect • Too much freedom makes our children feel the opposite of free, and they often express their discomfort through limitpushing behavior • Not setting boundaries will cause children to disrespect others, starting with their parents. They will not learn to follow rules and expectations • Counselors/behavioral therapist get more clients if parents don’t help their children resolve their issues or set boundaries for them

Build confidence and maturity- the earlier the better to learn to say “yes” and “No” and how to say it so they can build confidence and learn that they are in control of their choices and consequences The Importance of Setting Boundaries for Kids learning boundaries early enables children to integrate themselves more easily into the various social situations they encounter as they grow and mature Without boundaries, a child will have a hard time with the rules and boundaries they encounter at school and eventually when they enter the society It’s important to learn to respect self so that others can respect us. Children are less likely to be in abusive relationships as adults or victimize themselves To experience true freedom and happiness, kids need gentle leaders who are clear about house rules and expectations. They need a healthy balance between freedom and boundaries

• Love: you child needs to know that you are on their side and you love him. They may not act like he needs your care, but they do. Listen to him, enter his world and connect with. Your love helps them to accept and benefit from his boundaries. Elements to consider when setting boundaries • Truth: Be clear and reasonable about the boundary you are setting, otherwise, your child won’t know where the boundary line is. Clarify the requirement for him, “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4: 15). For example: • “I want you to make a certain grade point average because you are capable of it. ” • “You may disagree with me, but disrespectful words, tones or behavior are unacceptable. ”

• Freedom: The hardest part of setting boundaries is the need to affirm kids if they have a choice. He can choose to obey the rule (your boundary) or not; you cannot make a teen obey. So let him know you understand he has both the responsibility to obey and the freedom not to. God does the same thing with His own children: “Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve” (Joshua 24: 15). • Reality: Elements to consider when setting boundaries • There is a consequence for violating boundaries. Consequences help children understand the reality of sowing and reaping: “A man reaps what he sows” (Galatians 6: 7). So instead of trying to force your child to make acceptable grades, you set up a consequence that matters to him ( grounding; loss of driving time; loss of phone, computer or video electronic privileges; or extra chores). • The key is that the consequence should be appropriate for the violation (not too harsh and not too light), and it should be something that matters to your teen. • Do your own detective work to find out what your kid cares about. • The good thing about boundaries is that it become a cultural norm in your home. When you lovingly set and keep boundaries, your child will begin to accept them and develop internal strength and a sense of responsibility.

Parenting styles Parental Permissive: does not set limits, say no, discipline or hold children accountable (no boundaries) Aggressive: Rigid compliance from children is demanded, and children are to be seen and not heard ( controlling) Assertive: respectful, sets expectations and teaches, set firm yet flexible limits, stay calm, are clear in communicating their rules and expectations, are confident in their need to impose limits and do so in a caring way. ( set boundaries) styles

God sets boundaries and Jesus Was Authoritative/Assertive He defines himself as love and not darkness(1 John 4: 16, 1: 6) God has boundaries within the Trinity; all three are one but each has a district persons /role In the book of genesis, God has created all things for Adam and Eve but he sat boundaries for them not to eat from the tree. . As Jesus moved among his people and came face to face with their human failures, struggles and pain, He always responded to them first with grace and then with truth. He began with being nurturing and loving and ended by setting limits that directed them to respect the authority of God is love and Just ( his boundaries)

- The bible teaches us our boundaries ( me vs not me)and our responsibilities toward others. - Our culture, the way we were raised and our relationships, our character, it shapes our definition of boundaries - Fear of people’s reaction should not be a reason not to set boundaries - Freedom of guilt comes first, serving others second - Setting boundaries doesn’t mean I’m selfish - Setting boundaries doesn’t mean we have a serving heart - Setting boundaries doesn't mean I’m lazy - Trying harder may enable others but may not be the answer - Be proactive in setting boundaries rather than reactive in order to set the expectations upfront - You are responsible for your own actions and decisions; we can’t blame others, victimize yourself or envy - Take charge of your life and be proactive Is it too late for me to learn to set boundaries…. . Never

How people react when you set boundaries Effective boundary setting requires you to be generous in your assumptions- they mean well When you set a boundary or change existing once, expect some pushback and maybe some anger- negative responses or reactions. Responses can range from simple resistance or pushback all the way to hostility or even threats. • There are two types of non-negotiable boundaries: personal or relationship. Non-negotiable personal boundaries include physical or sexual boundaries. You will probably need to reassert your boundaries, maybe repeatedly. • Your response to other people’s reactions about your boundaries depends on their reaction. • If someone freezes you out, do nothing and allow them to come back to you eventually. • If someone pushes back, stick to your talking points, mirror back what they said, or say nothing. • If someone is aggressive or violent, take a relational time-out. If you’re getting repeated pushback or hostility, you may need to decide whether or not you want to stay in the relationship. • You can’t impose a boundary on another person, but you can create agreements and make requests There are consequence to setting a boundary, it’s not an ultimatum.

People who react to you setting boundaries- Anger Realize that the person who is angry at you for setting boundaries is the one with the problem. 2. View anger realistically. Anger is only a feeling inside the other person. It cannot “get inside” you unless you allow it. Let the anger be in the other person. 3. Do not let anger be a cue for you to do something. People without boundaries respond automatically to the anger of others. 4. Make sure you have your support system in place. If you are going to set some limits with a person who has controlled you with anger, talk to the people in your support system first and make a plan. Know what you will say. Anticipate what the angry person will say, and plan your response. 5. Do not allow the angry person to get you angry. Keep a loving stance while “speaking the truth in love. ” If we have boundaries, we will be separate enough to love. 6. Be prepared to use physical distance and other limits that enforce consequences. One woman’s life was changed when she realized that she could say, “I will not allow myself to be yelled at. I will go into the other room until you decide you can talk about this without attacking me. When you can do that, I will talk to you. ”

You don’t have to be friends with other parents Rules regarding your Child’s friends' parents • Just because your kids are friends doesn’t mean that you need to be close, but you need to remain cordial. Always know who the parents are Consider your concerns: • Consider if this is about your child’s safety? • Is it that they are not your type? Rethink that Talking to other parents about your kids • You are likely to disagree with the access they give to their children on social media or the language they use • Think twice if you like other parents to criticize your own children, before you criticize other parents

Rules regarding your Child’s friends' parents Most parents will not be very open to hearing you list out everything that is wrong with their child. • Be less direct and not critical • Seek to understand • So, make sure you take a more delicate approach. Be a positive role model • Don’t complaint about the other parents in front of your child • Your child might tell on you • Show the right behaviors, your child will learn from you Have empathy • Having empathy will make the other parents less defensive • They will be willing to do the same

Rules regarding your Child’s friends' parents Ask them how they think you can help • Use real examples • Understand their child’s point of view • Appreciate their openness and be respectful Figure out what • Be objective about what success looks like you are looking • What do you consider to be a good for as a desired outcome- how to fix the problem outcome not who’s fault it is Pick the right time • Give it time before you reach out • Don’t use text, talk face to face • Assure them that you care about the relationship

Understand each family’s house rules Rules regarding your Child’s friends' parents Be calm and speak softly • Explain the boundaries you set for your children and expect them to respect them • Decide if the other family’s house rules are appropriate for your child • Speaking at others will not help solve any issues • There might be a chance that your angel is at fault • Everyone make mistakes • Don’t retaliate Know when the conversation is over • Realize when the conversation is going no where • Bring closure to the conversation with a clear path on your end to help resolve issues • Make it clear that you care about the relationship and you care to

As your child grow Younger ------------- older Little freedom Little responsibilities Few choices more freedom more responsibilities and consequences more choices and decisions Too strict, they will not grow and possibly rebel Too much freedom, they try to get our attention, act up and can’t handle consequences

Setting boundaries for toddlers Coloring on themselves instead the paper? Throw tantrum at the store? Throw food on the ground if they don’t like it? Six strategies to help your child recognize and respect boundaries: v Start early- We often make the mistake of thinking our children are too young to understand. Once you’ve established your list of expectations, start consistently enforcing them. If children don’t learn to respect sensible boundaries as toddlers, they will face problems later when they are expected to comply in school or church settings. v Set clear expectations- Before you impose expectations on your toddler, you and your spouse need to prioritize which ones are most significant. v Set few expectations- Your child will be more likely to remember a small set of expectations (three to five). You can also post them in the house using a combination of short words and pictures. v Examples: use gentle hands when touching others, Love God, We listen to one another, We obey Dad and Mom.

Setting boundaries for toddlers v Be a role model- Toddlers are very observant, and they watch what their parents, and siblings. One easy way to teach boundaries is to consistently model the right behaviors and reinforce these teachable moments by using words to describe your choices. For instance: “I’m buckling my seatbelt because a seatbelt keeps my body safe. ” “I listened to Daddy while he was talking. Now it’s my turn to talk. ” “I’m putting away my book so it doesn’t get torn. ” v Offer choices and consequences- discipline can be difficult with toddlers because they are learning to assert their independence and often want to do things by themselves. Offering your toddler two acceptable choices allows her to make a decision so that they feel that they have a choice. Once we have defined our expectations, we begin to enforce those boundaries with consistent consequences. And when children clearly understand the basic boundaries that will apply in a variety of situations. v Commend your child for obedience. It’s easy to focus on negative behavior and forget to praise positive actions. If your child is making good choices, commend her for it. Make your praise sincere and frequent. You want to let your child know you see and appreciate the positive choices he makes as you guide him toward wisdom, obedience and respect for others.

Dos and Don’t for setting boundaries for toddlers o o o o Giving grace sparingly, otherwise you will not show them the consequences Teach them and explain the importance of the boundaries Agree with the child on the consequences such as taking privileges, spanking is the last tool Rules without relationship creates rebellion Teach them to be emotionally attached to others, without giving sense of self Teach them to say no appropriately without fear of losing someone’s love Teach them to take no appropriately without withdrawing emotionally

Adolescence is a time of exploring, challenging, thinking through values and questions about God, and longing for freedom. There is always tension when teens don’t want parents to control their urges or impulses and parents want ultimate control (like toddlers but have different issues) Setting Boundaries for teens Teens will push boundaries as they which can be frustrating at times but serves the essential function of developing their own values, beliefs, and sense of self. Rather than trying to control a teen’s freedom, parents should place effective boundaries around that freedom so their teen can learn self-control, frustration tolerance and delayed gratification. These skills can help him navigate the teen years and young adult life. Example: there is a big difference between telling them wear appropriate clothing to school vs you need to wear this shirt

Setting Boundaries for teens Maintain empathy for your teen Build strong relationship with them so that you avoid rebellion against rules Communicate the family values ( none negotiables) Communicate your expectations. . Put boundary rules on display. . Be consistent Explain the reasons why. . Less is more. Get kids involved- get their opinion on the boundary and consequences so that they can follow them and get onboard. They will also raise some good points Teach them to be in control of their behaviors and actions Consequences, consequences; the concept of sowing and reaping. . No blame and use privileges to your advantage. Example, they had an accident, or parents are always bailing their son out

Pay attention to yourself- set an example. . Be kind to yourself- learn from your mistakes and it takes time to master this skill to set boundaries. . Setting Boundaries for teens Respect them so that they can learn to respect you and others and those in authorities, including God’s authority Don’t Take Everything Personally; this will cause constant tension Maintain Your Teen’s Privacy- they will not appreciate it and it gets hard with use of social media

All kids need boundaries and limits in order to explore the world while staying safe and secure. How parents impose limits can lead kids toward self-discipline and wise decision making. It can also lead them toward shame and guilt. All this depends on whether parents intend to encourage or control children when they impose those limits. Parenting Practices: Positively Based Discipline vs. Punitive Discipline Positively Based Discipline Teach principles for healthy living, encourage kids to explore and discover their strengths and weaknesses, be responsible for themselves and kind to others. This is accomplished via setting reasonable limits and communicating them to children with love coming up with consequences that are respectful and intended to help children see how crossing boundaries will negatively impact their lives showing grace and forgiveness when following through on consequences and establishing rewards that reinforce good behavior Punitive Discipline On the contrary, the intent behind punitive discipline is to control children and make them follow rules. Threats of punishment are used as the tools to motivate adherence to boundaries and the result is that kids end up feeling ashamed of their behavior and guilty for having disappointed mom and dad.

Behavior is most easily modified when parents reinforce good behavior. Good personality traits are more likely to be developed when they are reinforced and bad personality traits are more likely to go away when they aren’t. Parents can focus on nature and nurture in child development. They can encourage positive, innate personality traits or discourage negative ones. And, they can also expose children to experiences that help them develop personality traits that keep them become healthy and resilient. Parenting Practices: Strengths Focused- When parents switch their focus to seeking, finding and developing their kids’ Focused vs. strengths, rather than focusing on their problems, their kids are more likely to grow and thrive. Identify the strengths of each child related to good behavior and positive personality traits Problems Express gratitude for those behaviors and traits Provide meaningful rewards for behaving well and using good traits to benefit others Focused Be intentional about helping children to use their strengths, continue to behave well and develop positive personality traits Parenting Be intentional about redirecting poor behavior and showing kids how their negative nature vs. nurture 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. personality traits are affecting them negatively. Problems Focused : In the midst of the stress of parenting, however, it’s easy to ignore kids when they are behaving well, and respond only when they are misbehaving. Unfortunately, by doing so, parents unintentionally reinforce poor behavior because attention is a powerful reinforcement. Parents also have a tendency to focus on trying to change or get rid of their kids’ less desirable traits and to forget to develop their best traits. However, the opposite needs to happen

Children’s Personality Traits Sometimes parents notice these tendencies in their infants and toddlers. Some children appear to be on the go, laughing, chortling and responding playfully to their loved ones most of the time. As they try to learn a new skill, no amount of failure will keep them from continuing to make attempts until they master it. Attitudes: Optimism vs. pessimism Still, others are timid, shy and become frustrated very easily. They give up after one or two attempts to learn to sit up or take a few steps. While this may have something to do with a child’s innate personality, pessimism can be shaped into optimism with some intentional interaction with the timid child. The benefits of optimism: Superior Health- Optimists are more likely to maintain better physical health than pessimists. Greater Achievement- More optimistic sports teams have been found to have better synergy and performance than pessimistic sports teams. Persistence- Optimists are more likely to achieve success than pessimists because they persevere when trying something new. Emotional Health- For people struggling with depression, focused training in optimism has been shown to provide increased ability to cope with future setbacks.

Attitudes: Optimism vs. pessimism Parenting a Pessimistic Child You can help your child flip this tendency by asking a question whenever he or she says something negative. The question is “could it be that there is something good about this situation or an opportunity to learn something new here? ” Encouragement and support helps a child overcome his challenges that may bring the pessimistic view. Over time, kids will begin to see their lives through the perspective of optimism rather than pessimism. Failure is Not a Reason to Feel Defeated One of the first ways to do that is to teach kids that failure is a part of life. It’s not a reason to feel defeated. Rather, it’s an opportunity to figure out how to do things differently in order to eventually find success. Or, if success is unlikely, failure can be used to encourage a child to develop adaptability by coming up with an option to the activity or event that is likely to end in failure. This teaches kids not to be defeated by failure and become pessimistic. Rather, they learn to be optimistic via beginning to look forward to future success. With each victory over failure, they develop an attitude of optimism. Also, parents need to abandon the old adage “you can be anything you want to be. ” It’s simply not true. Model Optimism- Another way to encourage optimism in children is to model it. Children copy what they see and hear in front of them. So, if parents are frequently complaining, forecasting doom and gloom, or responding to kids’ accidents, mistakes or difficult days with negative comments, children tend to learn that there is much to be pessimistic about in life. Intentional focus on gratitude also helps children move from noticing what they have to be grateful for to expressing thankfulness. This develops optimism about their life and environment. Help him identify his gifts rather focus on weaknesses

It’s pretty normal for infants and very young children to focus only on their needs. They’re fairly helpless and need a lot of assistance. However, as children become more independent, it’s in their best interest to help them focus more on helping others than satisfying all of their needs. Others Focused vs. Me Focused That’s because none of us are able to tolerate selfishness for very long. We all need other people to help us through life. If we demand that our needs always be met before others’ needs, we’ll find ourselves excluded from a lot of groups and activities. Help Children Develop Altruism Kids will do whatever they receive rewards for. So, if they receive a positive benefit from helping others, they’ll naturally become more “others focused”. However, if they get whatever they want when they are me focused, they will continue to be very self-centered. Others focused children develop altruism. This trait is encouraged throughout the Bible. God calls us to serve one another and to make sacrifices for our friends. He also calls us to give what we have for others in need. In Seven Traits of Effective Parenting, Daniel Huerta discusses the need for kids to develop altruism in order to thrive in life. He refers to this as a “contributor” vs. “consumer” mindset. Contributors are intentional about serving others while consumers take from others in order to receive benefits for themselves. “From the beginning God wanted us to be contributors within his kingdom story and not consumers. The moment Adam and Eve chose to consume the fruit out of a lack of trust, we became consumers in a garden needing contributors. As we contribute to our kids through our parenting, we guide our kids toward becoming contributors to others and to the overall functioning of the family and society, thus fulfilling their role in God’s kingdom story. ”

Help your child set boundaries Get clear on your own boundaries Work on setting effective boundaries with your kids. This affects their behavior and conveys the right way to create their own boundaries. They will learn the skill from you as you do it with them Help them honor themselves parents reflect out loud to their kids about what feels and doesn’t feel comfortable. If your child is shy, teach them about themselves so that they know “it takes them time to worm up to people”. Don’t push them to greet people and support them so they can accept themselves and set boundaries that are appropriate for them

Help your child set boundaries Talk about it. Teach your kids about what it means to be a good friend, and how to deal with bullying or exclusion. If a kids say, ‘you can’t play with us, ’ teach your kids to say ‘you’re not being a good friend, Help them understand that kids who reject them aren’t nice kids. Most of us pursue those who reject us, and that’s the wrong pursuit. Role-play. Role play their problems and help them come up with solutions. Praise them every time they make an effort Help them to self-advocate, and to teach them to use their words, not their hands Help your kids develop a good value system and build their character — and to choose friends who, too, have good ethics.

Helping your child who struggles with setting boundaries Teaching your child that saying “no” is not bad or the child is “not nice” Respecting themselves will make others respect them Good we friends need to be kind and not hurtful will love them and accept them no matter what

resources Know & Grow With Dr. K https: //www. youtube. com/channel/UCXRXA 8 fc. Y_x. Wd. Wp. R 7 r 9 B 8 TQ