Seabrook Mc Kenzie Parenting Course Session Five and

Seabrook Mc. Kenzie Parenting Course Session Five and Six: Child Misbehaviour and Parenting strategies

Helping children deal with their feelings n You can listen quietly and attentively n You can acknowledge their feelings with a word “oh. . mmm… I see” n You can give the feeling a name e. g. “that sounds frustrating n You can give the child his/her wishes in fantasy “I wish I could make the banana ripe for you right now” n All feelings can be accepted. Certain actions must be limited “I can see how angry you are at your brother. Tell him what you want with words, not fists”

Instead of Punishment: 1. Express your feelings strongly without attacking character “I’m furious that my new saw was left outside to rust in the rain. ” 2. State your expectations: “I expect my tools to be returned after they’ve been borrowed. ” 3. Show the child how to make amends: “What this saw needs now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease. ”

Instead of Punishment continued… 4. Give the child a choice: “You can borrow my tools and return them, or you can give up the privilege of using them. You decide. ” 5. Take action: Child: “Why is the tool box locked? ” Father: “You tell me why? ” 6. Problem-solve “What can we work out so that you can use my tools when you need them, and so that I’ll be sure they’re there when I need them? ”

Exercise: n A quality I like about my child is: n Something he/she has done recently that I appreciated but never mentioned is: n What could I say to show my appreciation to him/her using the skills of descriptive praise?

Descriptive Praise n Describes the behaviour you liked your child doing n Encouragement focuses on effort and improvement “I’m really pleased you closed the door quietly” n Clearly states your expectations and values regularly, and is a powerful teaching aid n Positive attention will help increase desirable behaviours “CATCH YOUR CHILD BEING GOOD”

Descriptive Praise continued… n Beware of insincere praise (e. g. saying a painting is good when it is not the child’s best effort) leads a child to doubt the sincerity of the praise, and this leads to discouragement n Use descriptive “telling off” n “There are toys all over the floor. It is almost 5 o’clock. By 5 o’clock the rule is that the floors are to be cleared. These toys go here…etc…”

Confident Parenting (Kate Birch) Identify emotional misbehaviour: Attention seeking → tantrums, grizzling, crying, whining Power seeking → anger, sulking, tantrums Revenge seeking → hurtful words and actions Helplessness → moping, crying

1. Ask yourself how you feel about the misbehaviour? : Attention seeking → makes you feel annoyed Power seeking →makes you feel angry Revenge → makes you feel hurt Helplessness → makes you feel despairing

2. Observe how YOU REACT to the misbehaviour: Attention Seeking → makes you give a reminder, coax, nag, explain Power seeking → makes you fight or give in Revenge → makes you retaliate to get even Helplessness → makes you solve the problem yourself

3. Observe the consequences for the child of the misbehaviour: Attention seeking → causes people to look at and speak to the child Power seeking → causes people to stand over and supervise the child Revenge → causes people to punish the child Helplessness → causes people to look after and protect the child

“When the Chips are down” Video by Richard Lavoie Key to Effective Parenting of Children with Special Needs: 1. Knowledge Base 2. Techniques 3. Philosophy 4. Understanding the difference between positive and negative feedback n Positive reinforcement CHANGES behaviour n Negative punishment only STOPS behaviour

Confident Parenting continued… 5. Successive approximations Change won’t happen as quickly as for everyone else n Improve and reward each success towards the goal n Reinforce each step of behaviour, therefore the behaviour will grow and improve n n “Reward direction not PERFECTION”

Recognising the purpose of misbehaviour continued… 6. Performance inconsistency Behaviour and performance will be inconsistent (good days vs. bad days) n Very characteristic of the profile of the SLD n Very distressing for the child n Makes it difficult for the child to maintain motivation n Good day reaction “see you could do it if you put your mind to it” n We need to celebrate successes and good days, not use it as “evidence for the persecution” n

Questionable Practices with Behaviour: 1. Corporal punishment Any physical contact with the child- only teaching child ok to hit when angry 2. Time Out n n Designed to take a child who is receiving positive reinforcement for negative behaviour, and put them in a situation where they receive NO reinforcement Child should not come out “when they are ready” - Child is already out of control PARENT DECIDES WHEN

Questionable Practices with Behaviour continued… 3. Forced apologies 4. Sarcasm 5. Confiscation of goods Children must have the opportunity to get it back 6. Cheap shots Asking the child to lie 7. Imposing school tasks as a punishment What does this teach kids about learning? ?

Preventative discipline: n Parents/teachers too reactive, not proactive enough n Child with SLD is environmentally dependent n Child with SLD has little internal structure n Using voice effectively n Effective use of praise

Corrective discipline: 1. Teacher primarily responsible for 2. 3. 4. 5. discipline in the classroom (not the children) Punishment has to be connected to the “crime” Punishment should be immediate and/or definitive Disappointment- damaging effects on child Use effective conferencing techniques

Self-esteem like “Poker chips” n “Joe Cool” (1000 000’s of poker chips) vs. Larry n n n the kid with SLD (50 poker chips) Good things happen to you= get poker chips Bad things happen to you = lose poker chips Larry doesn’t have enough poker chips to get in the game Larry will be conservative about what he will risk his chips on We, as adults, need to give these kids lots of poker chips Find something that the child does well and celebrate it

Poker Chips continued…. n Make sure every child who crosses your path has n n n more poker chips when they go to bed at night than what they had that morning Take only what is necessary Go to people who take away poker chips without giving anything back= advocacy E. g. Larry’s mum getting him ready in the morning (lots of chips), then he gets on the bus, only for the driver to say “oh look, here comes the retard” – lost huge amount of chips No poker chips- suicide, drug abuse, gangs Avoid risks- e. g. sore tummies

Recipe for successful time-out All adults and older siblings must follow the rules One adult tells the child briefly (2 sentences or fewer) that the consequences for specific behaviour will be to stay in his/her room for specified time of quiet time with the door closed 3. Be specific with misbehaviour e. g. hitting, temper tantrums, talking back 4. If child likely to open the door- secure it, e. g. with a lock 5. Child should be escorted to his/her room, without the parent losing control of temper, and without giving further explanation beyond one sentence 1. 2.

Time out continued… 6. If child slams, and makes a noise- NO response from anyone. Expect the first few times to be terrible. 7. Set the timer only when the child is quiet (not screaming and tantruming or disrespectful language) 8. After the time is up, open the door, permit the child to leave. There should be no further explanation or warning, or discussion of love. Act as if nothing unusual has happened 9. Repeat time out as necessary 11. You may warn child – always follow through if child disobeys ALWAYS REMAIN CALM Children need boundaries and rules to feel secure- if you can be consistent with your parenting- your child will become calmer, appear more secure, and better behaved

Anti-arguing instructions n When arguers come at you- they choose an inconvenient time, instinctively know you’re vulnerable, remind yourself not to say yes/no immediately. Instead, ask them for their reasons- they can never accuse you of not listening n After you’ve heard their reasons, say “let me think about it, I’ll get back to you” (in a few minutes/after dinner/tomorrow/after the weekend- depending on the request). This teaches the child to be patient- arguers tend to demand immediate gratification n Think about their request and reasons. Don’t be negatively biased by your feelings/their pushiness. If you answer “yes” smile and be positive

Anti-arguing instructions - continued n If your answer is no, say it firmly. Include your reason as part your refusal. Don’t change your decision and don’t engage in further discussions. Don’t let them make you feel guilty n Remind then that you have heard their request, you’ve listened to their reasons, you’ve taken the time to consider, and given them your answer and your reasons why. If they continue to argue- If they are younger than 10 yrs- use time out, if they are too big to send to their room- you go into time out and close the door and ignore them. They will learn that parents have the privilege of saying no.

When you as a parent feel a need to change a particular behaviour in your child n Helpful to look at why the specific behaviour takes n n n place Any behaviour is an attempt to fill a need If you can uncover the need, you might be able to offer an alternative, more positive behaviour Deal with one or two specific behaviours at a time Basic principle- reward positive behaviour and ignore minor misbehaviour Many adults comment frequently on “bad” behaviour and ignore the “good”

When you as a parent feel a need to change a particular behaviour in your child - continued n It makes the behaviour non-rewarding to the child- so why should they keep doing it? n In order to live in society, certain structures that must be observed. This is also true of school. If the child cannot fit into the structure, he/she will not be able to function properly n As parents you have a right and responsibility to fit into the structure.

Basic principles for behaviour change: Isolate the behaviour to be changed: be sure to work on only 1 -2 behaviours at a time. Be sure that the child understands that the behaviour is unacceptable, that you expect it to stop, and is clear about why you insist that it stop 2. Determine why your child exhibits this behaviour: Usually it is to get attention, but occasionally the reason your child will give may surprise you. Use active listening, to try and uncover those needs. Careful observation to find what situations trigger undesirable behaviour, and try and avoid them as much as possible or coach your child in handling them by walking your child through such experiences in advance- anticipating possible scenarios 1.

Basic principles for behaviour change - continued n Reinforce good behaviour and ignore bad behaviour: Parents often address their remarks to the child who is late/not the one who is on time, who comes to the table with dirty hands/not the one with clean hands. Select an appropriate reinforcer and be sure your child understands clearly what it is, and what behaviour it will reward. You can devise appropriate rewards for any behaviour you wish to replace unacceptable behaviour. You may get a negative reaction from your child the first few times you apply a new procedure- simply ignore it, pretend you don’t hear it, walk away from it.

Three Types of behaviour warrant interference n There are only three types of behaviour which warrant intervening: A) hurting others B) hurting oneself C) destroying property Care must be taken in the case of a child with SLDensure that the desired behaviour is in fact possible for your child to attain. E. g. may be unrealistic to expect 1. 5 hrs of sustained homework, with one TV programme if that is beyond the attention span of your child- may need to start with 10 -minutes or two separate 15 -minutes