Restorative Practice Being WITH your children NACE Anne

Restorative Practice: Being WITH your children NACE Anne Martin, Director of Restorative Practice Services Shalem Mental Health Network February 22, 2016

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Restorative Practice Building and strengthening all relationships at home, at school, at work, at church and in all day-to-day interactions with whoever we meet…. So that, when things go wrong, when there’s conflict or harm is done, relationships can be restored quickly without creating more harm. 3

Relationship Styles HIGH WITH TO Pressure Limits Expectations FIRM Change through compliance Control LOW NOT Restorative Relational: What happened? Who’s affected? In what ways? What needs to happen? FOR Indifferent/Passive Not available physically or emotionally Avoid Conflict/ Difficult conversations Protective - Easy Appease Make excuses FAIR HIGH Support – Respect - Nurture Adapted from Social Discipline Window - Paul Mc. Cold and Ted Wachtel - 2000 IIRP. org 4

Relationship Styles Expectations Boundaries Limits FIRM HIGH LOW TO WITH NOT FOR FAIR Respect/Support Adapted from Social Discipline Window - Paul Mc. Cold and Ted Wachtel - 2000 HIGH

Low Boundaries/Limits High Impact of Social Environments on the Brain Doing To Authoritarian Punitive Stigmatizing Hyper-vigilance for threat Memory and executive functions hampered BRAIN state: Reactive Defensive Doing Nothing Uninvolved Ignoring Unresponsive Distress Negative impact on attention, memory, emotions and behavior BRAIN state: Hypervigilance Low Doing With Authoritative Connected Trusting Builds attunement, connections, accountability, cause and effect thinking, reflective, pro-social BRAIN state: Relaxed Alertness Doing For Permissive Excusing Reasoning Connects negative behaviors with positive feelings Reinforcing negative behaviors Brain state: Passive Enabled Respect/Support Chart is modified from Diana Baumrind’s parenting research © Chuck Saufler 2012 High

Relationship Styles and Homework What are you saying about your relationship with your child if you say: • Get your homework done! 7

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Which box is this? It would be good if you did your homework but if you haven’t time I’ll write your teacher a note explaining you couldn’t do it. or If it’s too hard for you to get it done, I can do it for you…. . 11

Which box is this? 12

Which box is this? (silence) It’s your homework. Do it if you want. It’s your life. I’m too busy to help. 13

Which box is this? I’d like to see you succeed. Let’s talk about what’s happening with your homework and how I can best support you so that you can get it done. 14

Relationship Styles Pressure Limits Expectations FIRM HIGH TO WITH NOT FOR Control LOW FAIR HIGH Support – Respect - Nurture Adapted from Social Discipline Window - Paul Mc. Cold and Ted Wachtel - 2000 IIRP. org 15

How can you be in the WITH box ? 16

Different Questions: when someone does something wrong Adversarial Why did you do that? Restorative What happened? What were you thinking at the time? What have you thought about since? Who was impacted by what you did and in what ways? This is what is going to happen. This is the punishment for what you did. Don’t do it again. What do you need to do to make things right? What can we agree upon to fix things? Owen Webb (BEd, MEd) Shalem Mental Health Network 17

Different Questions: when someone has been harmed or when there’s a conflict Adversarial Restorative What happened? Who’s to blame? What happened? Who has been affected by this situation and in what ways? How have you been affected? What’s been the hardest thing for you? This is what is going to happen. This is the punishment for what happened. Don’t do it again. Just get along. What needs to happen to make things right? What are you willing to do to help make things rights? What can everyone agree upon to fix things? Owen Webb (BEd, MEd) Shalem Mental Health Network 18

Scenario You expect your 9 -year-old son to put his dirty clothes get into the laundry basket in the laundry room. They usually don’t get further than his bedroom floor. What conversation are you going to have with him? 19

Scenario A. , your 9 -year-daughter, wants to go with you and B. , your 7 -year-old daughter, to pick out a new outfit for B. for an upcoming family wedding. A insists that she knows the exact outfit B should get. B doesn’t want her sister to come along. What conversation are you going to have with A and B? 20

Scenario You get home from work to find that your family room is covered with mud. It appears that either your 13 -year-old son or your 15 year-old son must have let your dog in the house without checking to see if his feet were cleaned off. What conversation are you going to have with your sons? 21

Scenario You promised your 7 -year-old son you would take him to buy a new hockey stick tonight after dinner. Your boss just told you that you have to stay at work late to meet a new client. What conversation are you going to have with your son? Your spouse? 22

Statements that express emotion respectfully �I am sorry that I misunderstood the situation � I feel really proud of you when I heard ………… � I feel really pleased and encouraged that you made the right choice. � I respected your honesty and thank you. � I was very disappointed when you did that to…. . � I am upset and angry by what has just happened. � I feel that (describe action) was very disrespectful. 23

Relationship Practice Checklist As I practice, i. e. , live relationships, am I • Respectful (Distinguishing behaviour from the person)? • • Fair (engaging, explanatory & clarifying expectations)? Restorative by repairing harm & building relationships? Does my relationship style • Develop Empathy (through reflection, insight & • Enhance responsibility and accountability? learning)? • Support positive behavioural change and the • Support the capacity to act compassionately? strengthening of relationships? 24

Recognizing our emotional responses, e. g. , how we respond to shame If we feel ashamed and can’t work through the shame quickly, i. e. , admit to what happened and make things right with others, we react in protective ways 25

Nathanson’s Compass of Shame WITHDRAWAL ATTACK OTHERS ATTACK SELF AVOIDANCE Nathanson 1994 26

Polar Responses To Shame WITHDRAWAL : AVOIDANCE : isolating oneself; running and hiding. denial; drugs and alcohol; workaholic. ATTACK OTHERS: lashing out verbally or physically; blaming others. ATTACK SELF: self put-down; masochism. 27

A Mother’s Response to the Dreaded Call “I have to get out of the house, away from everybody!” [WITHDRAWAL] “When I come back I have to eat chocolate to feel okay!” [AVOIDANCE] “Then I think, that school is always picking on my kid!” [ATTACK OTHERS] “By the time I have arrived at the school, I feel like I’m a really bad parent!” [ATTACK SELF] “I realise however that when I go to defend my kid, it is all about how I deal with my painful emotions, and has nothing to do with my kid’s behaviour!” 28

Thank You Anne Martin Director of Restorative Practice Services Shalem Mental Health Network 647 -986 -8297 annem@shalemnetwork. org 29