Relationship Games Alex Aylward Goodgrief Learning Objectives To
Relationship Games Alex Aylward Goodgrief!
Learning Objectives • To understand how our values, beliefs and experience shape our perceptions and psychological contracts • To understand the resources of feelings in developing our strengths, in particular in loss and grief • To understand Inter-Personal Energy Flows • To appreciate the role of the Drama Triangle in health
Complexity of relationships
Health and relationships • We relate to our self • We relate to our body • We relate to others • We relate to LIFE itself • With compassion or not?
A Relationship Map Friends Our health and body Objects Surroundings Family Hierarchy at work or in school Neighbours local and national : Citizenship laws and regulations Tribe, nation, culture, religious groupings Colleagues at work or social
Relationship factors • Our experiences – good, bad and ugly • Identity - who we perceive we are. • Values • Beliefs - Unhelpful and helpful, the narrative we say to ourselves • Our communication skills. Are we good listeners? • Modalities of communication : Are we mainly Visual, Auditory, or feeling , or combination?
Perceptions • When we fuse with our thoughts we are caught up in them – we are not perceiving those thoughts and feelings from a perspective, but rather they are the perspective. • When we defuse from our thoughts and feelings , they are experienced as thoughts and feelings that we have, rather than statements of what we are.
Identities • What are your Values and Beliefs? They are core to your identity, who you are being. • Do you know your organisational values both professional bodies and employer’s? Are you aligned with them? (Often seen in work / life balance) • What values and beliefs do people you know have? How different are they to yours? • What are some of your patients values and beliefs?
Personality types and roles Personality drivers: Our needs, modified by our identity and experiences. Maslow’s needs summary. Survival, security, variety, self development, and self actualisation Personality tests Myers Briggs – Behaviour Belbin – Team roles
Social Media Psychological profiling using common characteristics • Openness – do you welcome new experiences? • Consciousness -How much of a perfectionist are you? • Extroversion – Do you love a party? • Agreeableness – How compassionate are you to others? • Neuroticism – Do you often worry or get easily upset.
Personality types and needs • Red people – Energised by completing to do lists of actions and tasks on time. • Green people – Want to know why and have all the data there is. • Blue people – Are energised by social events and meeting people. • Yellow people – Are energised by helping others Under stress the nurturer, directive, and analytical person can change their type. Exercise: Briefly share in your groups what colour(s) are you when you are content and what colour(s) when heavily stressed? Awareness; do others know who you are being? Note any feelings you may have.
What is Stress? • Stress is a condition or feeling experienced when a person perceives that demands exceed the personal and social resources the individual is able to mobilize (Lazarus) • Physical stressors • Emotional stressors • Lack of control
Stress factors • • • Work/life out of balance Stressed relationships Plus! Overworked Toxic environments Low job satisfaction pollution, chemicals, unsupported foreign proteins. Disease, infection, Illness. Disabilities Poor nutrition & hydration
Long Term Effects of stress • • Fatigue Anxiety Depression Alcohol misuse Substance misuse Burnout Hypertension Don’t wear stress as a badge of honour • Chronic degenerative illnesses • Relationship stresses • All probably contribute in some way to many illnesses, because the immune system is compromised
Stress - what is going on? Losses and adjusting to change • • • Personal losses Past, present, and future Current ones, happening every day. Remembered ones Virtual ones e. g. in the future
Personal losses and adjusting to change • Losses can occur to relationships we are attached to are broken. • Being able to adjust to change is important for us to thrive.
Turning Points as you adjust to change Illustrated with a shopping story Recognise Loss May be difficulty in recognising loss, or even taking on-board the risk of loss. Prevent Loss A drive to control the situation takes over Recover Loss If it could not be prevented, there is a drive to recover the loss or replace it. Let go of loss The whole person has grown through the loss.
Turning Points as you adjust to change Recognise Loss May be difficulty in recognising loss, or even taking on-board the risk of loss. The urge to change the world around you Denial Prevent Loss A drive to control the situation takes over Anger Recover Loss If it could not be prevented, there is a drive to recover the loss or replace it. Let go of loss The whole person has grown through the loss. Bargaining Acceptance The urge to change the person you are inside Shock Guilt Depression
What is feeling, what is emotion? • Body language, para-verbal tone of voice, and chemicals in your sweat communicate your intentions to others. • Hormone systems re-organise for fight, flight, freeze, or flock. • Immune system prepares to repair damage or resist infection. • Mind-frame primes to react to feedback for survival or thriving. • The memory of how this felt before affects planning. Emotion is where your social, physical, mental and spiritual natures meet and interact.
Shock ˅ . . . Anxious Panicky Apprehensive Paralysed Cold sweat Overwhelmed Confused Scared Disorientated Shaken Dread Stunned Fearful Tremble Numb Unprepared . . . What other words might you add?
Shock emotional energy Three types of ‘safe place’ A physical place A state of mind A relationship A safe place is a place to go to when you get over the initial shock where you can review your resources and plan your next steps. Exercise: think of your own safe places.
˄ Bargaining . . . . . . . Break Barge Bully Corner Dominate Drive others Feud Force Grab Oppress Poison Pressure Put down Threaten Vendetta Ask “What if” Accept defeat Ask “If. . Then. . ” Acquiesce Be present Am resigned Convince Apathetic Declare Be moulded Endure Concede Influence Get nostalgic Inspire Hesitate Motivate Lie low Negotiate Non-action Offer Play dead Risk Stagnate Take turns Step back Team up Submit Try Turn shy Write a letter Wait and see . . . . . . What other words might you add?
Three styles of Bargaining to recover losses Bargaining is what I DO to get back something I value that I have lost and still yearn for. Aggressive I am going to take it, and I don’t care what effect that has on you. Passive I am going to give out subtle messages that I want you to give it to me. Assertive I can state my need, and hear yours, and between us we can find a way to minimise our losses and maximise our gains.
Turning points as you adjust to change
Impact of prolonged stress and chronic cortisol levels • • Obesity Diabetes High Blood Pressure Heart disease Cancer Depression Senile Dementia - increases fat on the waist - increases blood sugar level - disrupts fluid balance - increases cholesterol - impairs immune function - promotes negative feelings - impairs brain function
Ø The game is to keep our health strong by not allowing the emotions to be unsustainably high either in acute or chronic situations by finding SMART hidden losses to work on. E. g. Car flat battery scenario
The workplace scenarios? • • • Patient demands, manager’s demands Telephone calls and interruptions Other people’s “must do’s” Staff issues Colleague issues External challenges Targets (whose…. . ? ) Insufficient water, meal breaks, relaxation times Electrosmog e. g. from electronic equipment.
Stress – and the brain Decision as to whether to go into survival or competency mode is made by the amygdala – based on an appraisal of threat. • Our slower evidence based and perspective thinking frontal cortex shuts down. • And our quick thinking emotional and feeling limbic brain will jump to conclusions, often demanding certainty.
So what’s happening in our Mammalian Bodies? • Autonomic Nervous System Social engagement • Parasympathetic Rest and Digest, Chill and Repair – or Freeze • Sympathetic Fight and Flight • Which is the organism’s habitual state? – what is it designed to be in for the majority of the time?
Stressful Stimuli – if we see them as such! • Constant noxious stimuli keep us in Fight or Flight, prevent repair, and lead to illness • Removal of stimulus – and you get another alarm phase – no wonder we don’t like withdrawal! (give a busy person half a day off – and they’ll fill it to keep busy!) • Hence Addiction – avoiding the re-run of the Alarm phase due to withdrawal
The Breath Mindfulness • The power of inner stillness from • Regular rhythmic diaphragmatic breathing, which • Engenders cardiac coherence – and increases life expectancy!
Mindfulness • mindfulness means • • paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and non judgmentally • http: //www. mindfulnet. org/page 2. htm amongst many others
• Kindness and gratitude help produce healthy neurotransmitters, as do exercise, fresh air and sunlight, and good sleep in darkness • They help rest, repair, renewal – and support immune function • Laughter, singing, dance, creativity and zest for life are important • Whereas as stress and sympathetic drive (alert, alert) handicap the immune system
So how do we look after ourselves? Positive Health Factors • • • • Sleep Relaxing breathing Exercise Fresh air Sunlight Chemical free (eg pesticides) Electromagnetic clutter (field effects) Nutritious food Safety – living space Social company and Belonging, kindness, compassion Emotional balance Self-awareness, self-care – inner stillness, mindfulness Meaningful purpose, learning – and Gratitude! Rest, recovery and renewal What would you like more of? Pick one Adapted from Safe. Med Handbook, Dr Margaret O’Rourke, University of Cork
Inner Stillness • • • Yoga Tai Chi Mindfulness in activity and action Running, any form of exercise Dance Hobbies Dog, animals Gardening Music
Kolb’s Life’s Learning Cycle Experience Learn Reflect WHEN REFLECTION GETS STUCK - LEARNING CEASES AND THERE IS NO CLOSURE OR COMPLETION
Feelings Each Experience = Event + Emotion; = Facts + Feelings Facts happen; Events come and go And feelings? Beginning Middle End Feelings change effortlessly from one state to another Our ever-changing frame of mind Our perspective The way we look at things
FLOW OF FEELINGS-GETTING STUCK Feelings are put into folders; Angry, Guilty, people etc. They get retriggered When we get stuck we have 4 options: 1. Get them moving to resolution 2. Dissociate 3. Externalise them -Often at a target 4. Internalise them- put them into a baggage pile where unfinished issues are put to the back of our minds
PALLIATION The 4 mechanisms we use to reinforce denial: 1. Projection 2. Blot Out 3. Distraction Can become HABITS Can become 4. Comfort Behaviour The trouble is, these mechanisms only palliate the issue They don’t heal it in the long-term ADDICTIONS
Palliative vs Curative (Healing) • if we palliate and suppress our emotions, they remain, unhealed, in our baggage pile and becomes the Tail that wags the Dog…. • How much of our adult behaviour is driven by unfulfilled childhood needs and hurts?
Reflection Completion Reflection is the process by which we gain: Closure Understanding Wisdom Reflection needs; Time; Intent; Support from variety of sources; Life; People; Nature; Pets; Music; Exercise; Washing Up (Left brain busy, cannot be critical)
Interpersonal Energy Flows… …. 1, 2, 3 … … & a Triangle!
Attention • An energy flow. • ‘where attention goes, energy flows’ • Exercise in pairs
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN PEOPLE MEET? They share energy fields! Energies flow between them And sometimes, people carry bad “weather”… And when people meet, they can share it. And they can steal your good energy too.
ENERGY FLOWS When an energy flow, comes towards us, we have 4 options. (In this case the energy flow is anger, represented by red dot. ) 1. Accept it Often if you accept a negative energy, it will dampen your mood. 2. Reflect it If you reflect a negative energy it means you will act negatively as well. 3. Deflect it 4. Transmute it The energy shoots past you, not having any affect You can change energies with tact, diplomacy or humour.
Being responsible for your stuff. 1. Someone performs an action 2. You observe that action 3. That action is causing a reaction in your software 4. The response you choose to have is. . Anger We all have the ability to choose our response We have choices about our actions and reactions We can choose to be angry…loving…sad…happy… etc… And don’t forget-These choices have consequences!
Two triangles –Drama and Solihull • The Drama Triangle (Karpman and Edwards) • Solihull Triangle - a model for behavioural change
Dysfunctional systems • Pretend everything is fine (not honest or authentic) • Don’t threaten the status quo
Blocked or distorted communication based upon fear, judgement and insecurity • Feel: Disempowered, guilty, stuck, resentful, blaming, helpless, trapped, dependent, lies, lying, misunderstood, bewildered, betrayed, controlled, manipulated, abused, entitled, chaos, scapegoating, denial of problems, helplessness, avoiding, • 2, 3 or more people.
Transactional Analysis Parent Parent Adult Adult Child Child
The Drama Triangle (Karpman) • • • Top of triangle are the one up positions (parent) Bottom is the one down position (child) Roles can rotate at lightning speed Playing toxic games of co-dependency No winners
• The Child can give away their power - to a parent, and can play Victim, playing the script “If you help me / save me / protect me, I will give you my power”. • The Parent takes the power and becomes Rescuer “If you give me your power, I will protect and help you” • And there is also the Persecutor role, who abuses power
Someone who may be fearful or anxious – they are “one down” • And they look for help from someone who is supportive and knowledgeable – someone “one up” Rescuer Can play game of ‘after all I’ve done for you. . Victim Often play ‘yes but. . . games
Room Games The third role is…. . Persecutor - seeks control Rescuer Persecutor Victim It is very easy to be enticed into, and then chased around, this triangle of dependency but that can easily exhaust us! – stealing our energy
Victim • Get to feel safe by being submissive, giving in or being dependent /helpless • Blame other people , circumstances or past decisions how they feel • Expect others to solve their problems for them to rescue them • Often play ‘yes but. . . games • Passive child like dependency, find it hard to make decisions for themselves
Exercise • In pairs, please study the scenarios • One person play clinicians role, the other the patient role • Five minutes to ‘consult’ • Then we will discuss • www. medicalprotection. org/uk/practice-matters/issue-5/thedrama-triangle
Resolving the Drama Triangle • Be authentic – be true to yourself • To Thine Own Self Be True (Shakespeare) • “Try to treat others as you would wish to be treated yourself”- the number one rule at Her Majesty’s Prison Guy’s Marsh, Dorset, UK • Try to keep to the Five Agreements
If you slip into Persecutor • Give up the need to be right, everyone is right in their own perspective • Be honest with yourself , and listen with an open heart • Sit with vulnerable feelings, instead of acting out from anger or fear. • Stop justifying or defending being hurtful, critical, controlling or abusive • Let go of any feelings of entitlement, set others free
If you tend to be a rescuer • Stop basing your self esteem on helping, caring for or protecting others • Focus on your own needs/issues, instead of focussing on others needs • Stop justifying taking care of others; don’t protect anyone from facing uncomfortable feelings or issues • Notice how others use guilt / manipulation to control you. • Don’t collude with seeing anyone as helpless or a victim
If you tend to be a victim • Acknowledge your own strengths instead of looking for a rescuer • Think and problem solve for yourself • Deal with your anger and learn to handle confrontation without giving in, rescuing or persecuting. • Be authentic stop pretending or manipulating. Take responsibility for your won needs and self care
Solihull Triangle - Contextual • 1 Containment • Safety / Feeling Supported • 2 Reciprocity • Conversation / Dialogue • 3 Behaviour Management • Ability to achieve effective growth and change
The Five Agreements • • • Be Impeccable with Your Word Take Nothing Personally Make No Assumptions Always Do Your Best Learn to Listen – but remain Sceptical • The Four Agreements and the Fifth Agreement, Don Miguel Ruiz
Codes of conduct • Agree ways of doing tasks • Written into statements • Makes it self regulating.
Questions?
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