Relational Skills for Marriage Ministers Opening Prayer Lord

Relational Skills for Marriage Ministers

Opening Prayer Lord Jesus Christ, Word of the Father, we turn to you. Watch over our plans. Enliven our service to the Church. Sustain our labors Guide our steps in the search of the best ways to proclaim your Gospel. Our poverty is great. We do not place trust in ourselves but only in you. Encourage us, reassure us, give us your blessing. You who with the Holy Spirit live and reign in us and in your Church forever and ever. Amen +Prayer of Blessed Pope Paul VI

Goals for Session 1 • Define Parish Marriage Ministry – ministering to married couples and families in every stage • Discuss the need for relational skills in marriage ministry • Describe the basics of marriage mentoring • Introduce Loving for a Lifetime – 6 Essentials for a Happy, Healthy and Holy Marriage

What is Marriage Ministry? • PEER TO PEER MINISTRY – MINISTERING TO MARRIED COUPLES • • AND FAMILIES THROUGH EVERY STAGE OF FAMILY LIFE ACCOMPANIMENT – WITNESS – MENTORING ALL MINISTRY IS FOUNDED ON THE STAGES OFEVANGELIZATION O MEETING PEOPLE WHERE THEY ARE – BUILDING TRUST O PROCLAIMING THE JOY OF THE GOSPEL BY OUR WITNESS AND SHARING OUR STORY O FORMING DISCIPLES - COUPLES BECOME STUDENTS OF CHRIST – CONVERSION EXPERIENCES – ADULT DECISION TO EMBRACE THEIR CATHOLIC FAITH O DISCIPLES BECOME APOSTLES – “GO AND MAKE DISCIPLES”

Why are relational skills important in Marriage Ministry? Because we are made in the image and likeness of God – a communion of persons in a relationship of self-giving love

“Love is the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being. ” “Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him, if he does not encounter love, if he does not experience it and make it his own, if he does not participate intimately in it. ” St. Pope John Paul II

Marriage Mentoring

Marriage is a holy relationship “EVERY MARRIAGE IS A HOLY RELATIONSHIP, AND NO TWO RELATIONSHIPS ARE ALIKE – GOD HAS ESTABLISHED IN EACH MARRIAGE A UNIQUE GIFT AND REFLECTION OF INEXHAUSTIBLE LOVE. ALL THE EVENTS IN YOUR MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP OFFER LESSONS FOR LIFE AND FOR LOVING. THE VOCATION OF MARRIAGE IS A LIFELONG COURSE FOR LEARNING HOW TO LOVE WELL. WE CAN INCORPORATE THESE LESSONS OF LOVING INTO OUR OWN SEARCH FOR AUTHENTICITY AND SALVATION. AS WE MAKE OUR WAY THROUGH LIFE, WE ARE CONTINUOUSLY BUILDING OUR MARRIAGE IN OUR OWN SPECIAL WAYS, STRIVING TO MAKE IT SO STRONG THAT THE LOVE WE LEARN WILL LAST FOR A LIFETIME. ” - RICHARD JOHNSON, PH. D.

Relational Skills in Marriage Three H’s of Marriage

RELATIONAL SKILLS IN MARRIAGE • “LOVING FOR A LIFETIME – 6 ESSENTIALS FOR A HAPPY, HEALTHY AND HOLY MARRIAGE” BY RICHARD P. JOHNSON, PH. D. THE THREE H’S OF MARRIAGE HAPPY > SATISFYING, GROWTH ORIENTATED RELATIONSHIP HEALTHY > MUTUAL DECISION-MAKING & ATTENTION TO YOUR AND YOUR SPOUSE’S HEALTH ( PHYSICAL, MENTAL, SPIRITUAL) HOLY > GOD’S GRACE SHOWERS OVER A COUPLE WHO STRIVE TO GROW BY PRACTICING THE 6 ESSENTIALS

RELATIONAL SKILLS IN MARRIAGE • WHO IS DR. RICHARD P. JOHNSON ? -WHY HIM? -BY ME -TO YOU

RELATIONAL SKILLS IN MARRIAGE • MARRIAGE IS A MULTI-DIMENSIONAL UNION. • THIS INCLUDES: – INTRAPERSONAL LEVEL (WITHIN THE INDIVIDUAL) – INTERPERSONAL LEVEL (BETWEEN THE INDIVIDUALS) – SPIRITUAL LEVEL (GRACED BY THE PRESENCE OF GOD)

RELATIONAL SKILLS IN MARRIAGE JOHNSON (AND OTHERS) LABEL THE ESSENTIALS FOR A HAPPY, HEALTHY AND HOLY MARRIAGE AS: • TOGETHERNESS • RESPECT • COMMUNICATION • INTIMACY • TRUST • COMMITMENT

RELATIONAL SKILLS IN MARRIAGE RESPECT DEFINED AS HONORING THE GOD-GIVEN TALENTS, GIFTS, STRENGTHS, AND ACHIEVEMENTS THAT EACH INDIVIDUAL POSSESSES AS A CHILD OFGOD.

RELATIONAL SKILLS IN MARRIAGE RESPECT INTRAPERSONAL LEVEL : ACKNOWLEDGING AND AFFIRMING INNER SELF -RESPECT IS A NECESSARY PRE-REQUISITE FOR VALUING OTHERS – DIFFERENT AND ORDINARY; UNIQUE AND COMMON. INTERPERSONAL LEVEL: EACH PARTNER’S INNER SELF-RESPECT SERVES AS A FOUNDATION UPON WHICH THEY INDIVIDUALLY GROW AND COLLECTIVELY GROW. SPIRITUAL LEVEL: RESPECT IS THE FOUNDATION OF A MARRIAGE IN ORDER THAT EACH INDIVIDUAL MAY GROW AND MATURE IN THEIR PARTICIPATION IN THE MARRIAGE ANDIN THEIR FAITH.

RELATIONAL SKILLS IN MARRIAGE INTIMACY “INTIMACY IS THE FEELING CONDITION CREATED BY A STRONG AND POSITIVE EMOTIONAL BOND, AN ALMOST MYSTICAL BOND, WHICH PRODUCES DEVOTION, ATTACHMENT, AND AFFECTION BETWEEN RELATIONSHIP PARTNERS, AND WHICH SOMETIMES REQUIRES PERSONAL SACRIFICE. ” - RICHARD P. JOHNSON

RELATIONAL SKILLS IN MARRIAGE INTIMACY INTRAPERSONAL LEVEL: THE DESIRE TO DEVELOP AN EMPATHETIC REGARD AND ATTITUDE FROM WITHIN ONESELF FOR ANOTHER. “TO WALK IN THE SHOES OF THE OTHER. ” INTERPERSONAL LEVEL: “SHARING” OF OUR STRENGTHS AND LIMITATIONS IN ORDER FOR THE INDIVIDUAL TO KNOW HIS/HERSELF MORE CLEARLY (WHO I AM) AND ASSIST THEIR PARTNER TO KNOW THEMSELVES BETTER (WHO THEY ARE) AS WELL. SPIRITUAL LEVEL: WHEN INTIMACY FLOURISHES IN THE MARRIAGE, JOHNSON LABELS IT AS “HOLY GROUNDEDNESS” – A STABILITY FROM A DEEPLY SEATED SHARING BETWEEN THE COUPLE ANDGOD.

RELATIONAL SKILLS IN MARRIAGE HOW PARTNERS BEHAVE IN AN INTIMATE MARRIAGE • • DISPLAY AFFECTIONS DAILY SHARE RISKY FEELINGS AND DEEP, PERSONAL THOUGHTS EXPERIENCE INTENSE LONGING FOR UNION WITH ONE ANOTHER DEMONSTRATE EMPATHY AND AWARENESS OF THE INNER WORLD OF ONE ANOTHER MATTER TO EACH OTHER MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE; THEY ARE EACH FIRST ON EACH OTHER’S LIST EXPRESS SEXUALITY - BODY LANGUAGE OF AFFIRMATION AND CELEBRATION WILLINGLY TRY TO HELP EACH OTHER DEAL WITH VULNERABILITIES (HOT BUTTONS)

RELATIONAL SKILLS IN MARRIAGE THREATS TO INTIMACY • INDIFFERENCE • DEFENSIVENESS • FEELING THAT LOVE MUST BE EARNED (MY WORTH IS MEASURED BY WHAT I DO; THEREFORE I’M NOT WORTHY OF LOVE. ) • INABILITY TO TRANSLATE ONE’S FEELINGS INTO WORDS • USING NEGATIVE EXPRESSIONS OF FEELINGS BECAUSE ONE FEARS GETTING CLOSE SINCE IT PROVOKES ANXIETY • SEXUAL DISORDERS • BECOMING OVERLY INVOLVED ABOUT ONE’S OUTSIDE ACTIVITIES

“To Love Another Person Is To See the Face of God. ” - Victor Hugo Les Miserables

WRAP UP AND CLOSING PRAYER

RELATIONAL SKILLS FOR MARRIAGE MINISTRY SESSION 2

Re-Cap of Session 1 • Parish Marriage Ministry – ministering through the life cycle • Marriage Mentoring • The 6 Essentials of Happy, Holy, Healthy Marriage o Levels of communication (intrapersonal, interpersonal, spiritual) o The need for true intimacy

Goals for Session 2 • Explore Active Listening Skills • Discuss Welcoming and Accompaniment • Introduce Healing Wounded Relationships – Fr. Martin Padovani • Forgiveness and Reconciliation – the process

Listening is a deep biblical response to all of life. It opens us to hear as God desires, to respond with authentic compassion, and to cut through conflict to places of original unity.

Christ Centered When we are in communion with God, we are better able to listen to others, to be in communion with them

Other vs. Self Listening is Other-Focused It is hard to do since we are instinctively Self-Focused

Active Listening – What does it look like? Robin Williams https: //www. youtube. com/watch? v=-V-p_j 2 M 6 s. Q Everybody Loves Raymond Part 1 https: //www. youtube. com/watch? v=Qota. Ts. Vi. Az. E Everybody Loves Raymond Part 2 https: //www. youtube. com/watch? v=4 VOub. VB 4 CTU Big Bang Theory Please Pass the Butter at 1: 05 https: //www. youtube. com/watch? v=G 1 OMUk. NT-FE Big Bang Theory Chess Clock https: //www. youtube. com/watch? v=sr 1 u. S 8 KZbto&list=PL 7 h 3 Lo. LBjz. W b. BSarp. Nv. TRUV 8 Pgj 6 O 7 fy. Y Reflective Listening https: //www. youtube. com/watch? v=95 l. ANl 1 oe. Bk

Reflecting Skills

FOCUS

Sharing

Knowing Yourself Soft/Sensitive Too --------------------------Too Hard/Callous Addiction Abuse Sickness/Worry Financial

Self Care

Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable. David Ausberger #1 Love Warrior

“Love is the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being. ” “Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him, if he does not encounter love, if he does not experience it and make it his own, if he does not participate intimately in it. ” St. Pope John Paul II

“Nothing has changed except me, therefore everything has changed”

Forgiveness and Reconciliation - Colossians 3: 12 -17 Forgiveness is a process – requires work, effort and time

Forgiveness and Reconciliation Three movements: 1. The intellectual (volitional): a choice, a decision, an act of will, to forgive or be forgiven. 2. The emotional: being in touch with painful feelings, and working through the feelings 3. The spiritual: enables us to let go of hurt and anger and move on

Forgiving Self • The most difficult and demanding aspect of forgiveness • A painfully long journey, sorting out and talking through difficult feelings with God and others until feelings are understood, healed and diffused

Why can’t we forgive ourselves? • Self-hatred, anger or disappointment with oneself for having done something wrong • Perfectionism: unrealistic expectations • Sense of false pride – inflated sense of self – considers oneself beyond failure • Erroneous belief that self-forgiveness too easily removes consequences and condones misbehavior • Difficulty in accepting forgiveness based on unforgiving, critical family of origin • Overwhelmed by guilt and shame; self-condemnation – the martyr. The focus is my pain, my failure, myself.

Forgiving others • Can become routine rather than with deliberate intent, reflection, and sincerity • The elder son in the parable of the prodigal son: he is hurt, angry and slow to forgive; we identify with him in our struggles to forgive • Forgiveness doesn’t end angry feelings which must be resolved • Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting

Emotional Forgiveness • We need to give ourselves permission to feel • To complete the forgiveness process we must deal with our anger • Unrecognized resentment can undermine and destroy a relationship • As anger is resolved, the feelings of love will reappear

Spiritual Forgiveness or Letting Go • Letting go, letting God, moving on with our lives • We’ll never be free until we let go • Forgiveness brings emotional, spiritual and physical healing • Letting go can mercy, compassion, and understanding but never denial that the offense occurred. • The offender must respect the offended person’s need for time before forgiveness can be attained • Moving on is about resurrection, breaking out of the tomb of bitterness

Reconciliation • Healing and putting the relationship back together; requires forgiveness • Three possible outcomes within relationship after one party has forgiven the other… o Relationship becomes more intimate – trust is strengthened through act of forgiveness o Relationship is damaged; trust must be restored o There is no reconciliation despite forgiveness. • Example of Jesus: o If the offender refuses our forgiveness and call for reconciliation, let them go and be at peace with ourselves o Pray for those who don’t like us

The Reconciliation Process

The Sacrament of Reconciliation

Wrap Up • What are the best take-aways from today? • What skills do we want to practice? • How will we use these skills in our ministries?