Race Adoption a comfortable conversation Judy Stigger LCSW

Race & Adoption a comfortable conversation Judy Stigger, LCSW Jstigger@cradle. org www. Adoption. Learning. Partners. org

White Privilege A. J. (Amy Jo) Thomassen social worker in St. Louis, MO “I think my mother and father never saw us as different from themselves or others in our community. I think they thought if they loved us enough, other people wouldn’t see the difference either. ” Once They Hear My Name Lee, Lammert, Hess

Alex Haley “In all of us there is a hunger, marrow deep, to know our heritage, to know who we are and where we have come from. Without this enriching knowledge, there is a hollow yearning; no matter what our attainments in life, there is the most disquieting loneliness. ” Alex Haley, “Roots”

Agenda q What we know about race & identity q Ages & stages q Challenges & advice § Birth family § Who’s in my tribe § Multiracial families § Evening news q Resources

What We Know About Race Black/African American White/Caucasian Hispanic/Latino Asian Other Adopted

What We Know About Race White / European q Asian q Hispanic / Latino q Other? q Black / African American q q Adopted

Responses Informational/Educational Privacy Guarding Humorous Goal: to EQUIP and PROTECT

Other Considerations Kid useable responses Aiming the spotlight If a child is asking: Is your answer kid-friendly?

How We Learn Overt Prejudice Random Vicarious Absent/Irrelevant Curiosity of others Care

Lasts a Lifetime

Sources of Discrimination Greatest sources of discrimination for whites were around adoption (not race) Extended Family (40%) Childhood Friends (28%) Childhood friend’s parents (24%) Greatest sources of discrimination for kids of color were around race/ethnicity Stranger (80%) Classmates (75%) Childhood Friends (48%)

Importance of Adoptive Identity at Different Life Stages

Importance of Racial/Ethnic Identity at Different Life Stages

Community Characteristics (Diversity) Level of community diversity experienced by TR adoptees as children, and where they chose to live as adults

Comfort with Identity Extremely or Very Comfortable Somewhat Uncomfortable Extremely or Very Uncomfortable

3 – 6 years old § Issues: • • • § Facts: • • § How things work Belonging Same & Different What does my mom look like? Why didn’t she keep me? Feelings: • • Curiosity: Want to know about self Pain: Want to be just like mommy or daddy

Just like Mommy / Daddy

School Projects / Triggers • Draw yourself • Draw your family • Bring a baby picture • Stories about new siblings

One of these is not like the other

How Diverse is Child’s School? Student body Teachers Holidays & Celebrations Images on walls & in books Presentation of subject

Carmen: People Like Me

Windows & Mirrors

“Grandma Loves Me~”

Coherent Narrative Young Child

Questions • • What does my birth mom look like? Why didn’t she keep me? (Why didn’t she stop using drugs so she could keep me? ) Why did you adopt me? Where’s my birth dad? Are my (siblings) okay? Do you know where they are? Am I going to grow up like my birth parents or my foster/adoptive parents?

7 – 10 years old § Issues: • • § Facts: • • • § Envision others beyond self Play by rules Why didn’t she keep me? What about my birth dad? With what race do parents associate & associate me? Feelings: • • Value Development: Adoptive vs. Birth Parents Anger: I was not valued by BP

School Projects Triggers q q q National History Family Tree How family came to America Ethnic festival Drug awareness education Emerging learning issues

Proactive vs Blindsided

Guilt versus Shame 29 Guilt- we feel guilt for something we did or imagined we did. (Doing) Shame- we feel shameful for who we are. (Being) Becky Carter, LCPC

FAIR Families Fairfamilies. org

Ethnic Fest

No one who looks like me is worth my parents’ friendship Nobody who looks like me is worth my parents’ friendship

Multiracial Identity for everyone

11 – 14 years old § Issues: • • • § Facts: • • § Ethics Nature vs. Nurture Race/ethnicity as identity Was she correct to place me? How am I like my B parent vs. my A parent Feelings: • • Observe & Compare: Who am I like? Fear: What will I become? What groups will I fit in with?

School Projects / Triggers Family Tree • Career Day • Sex Education • Biology • World History • Accommodations •

Whose my Tribe? Racial identity q Adoption identity q Gender identity q Common interests q Common abilities q Shared resources q Shared values q

Identity: “Real Family” Emotional Biological Legal

Birthfamily: first person ethnicity

Society’s Labels vs Self. Identity Black is Beautiful White is Wonderful I am Both

Multiracial for Generations to Come

How do we address “Ferguson”

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Spring 2015 Parenting Webinar Register Now at www. adoptionlearningpartners. org Identity in Adoption: Mirrors and Windows Have you ever wondered just how much nature vs. nurture will play a role in your adopted child’s identity formation? How will they balance these influences as they pull together their own understanding of who they are? What can you do to help them? Join moderator Leah Bloom, LMFT, as she leads our panel through a discussion about the intricacies of identity formation within an adopted individual. Live Webinar Thursday, May 7 th, 2015 7: 00 pm Central Q&A: 8: 00 pm

Questions and Answers