Overcoming the Pain of Offense and Unforgiveness MICHELE

  • Slides: 197
Download presentation
Overcoming the Pain of Offense and Unforgiveness MICHELE ALUOCH 2017

Overcoming the Pain of Offense and Unforgiveness MICHELE ALUOCH 2017

Stages of Grief Shock Disorganization Searching Behavior Emotional Components Despair Guilt-real or imagined, what

Stages of Grief Shock Disorganization Searching Behavior Emotional Components Despair Guilt-real or imagined, what if? What could I have done? I wish I could have done more. Anger- at person for their sickness/death, anger with yourself for being about your own business

Stages of Grief Anxiety-what now? , feeling of loss of control over your emotions

Stages of Grief Anxiety-what now? , feeling of loss of control over your emotions Jealousy- of others who don’t have to go through loss Shame-don’t want to admit true feelings of loss -what it means Aggression/Protest- doctors & nurses, family members who did not help, God for “letting it happen” Letting Go- final goodbye, not searching, acceptance of new reality Reintegration- reassigning meaning to symbolic experiences

The Six Needs of Mourning Wolfelt, 2004 Accept the reality of the death. Let

The Six Needs of Mourning Wolfelt, 2004 Accept the reality of the death. Let yourself feel the pain of the loss. Remember the person who died. Develop a new self identity. Search for meaning. Let others help you- now and always.

The Disease of Revenge- Mc. Cullough, M. E, 1997 Weakened history All consuming Destructive

The Disease of Revenge- Mc. Cullough, M. E, 1997 Weakened history All consuming Destructive effects to the host Keeps comparison to one’s internal standards of justice going (“shoulds”) Alternative: promote forgiveness rather than revenge

Cognitive Models of Forgiveness & Object Transformation (e. g. - Cioni, P. F. -2007)

Cognitive Models of Forgiveness & Object Transformation (e. g. - Cioni, P. F. -2007) Unforgiveness/Woundedness (Revenge Based Cognitions) Versus Forgiveness (Changing Cognitive Attributes and Perspectives)

Object Transformation Negative Cognitions Violation occurs Negative emotions follow “I will get even”, ”

Object Transformation Negative Cognitions Violation occurs Negative emotions follow “I will get even”, ” I want revenge”, “They will not get away w/this”, ”He/she must pay for this”. I can’t stand this pain”, ” I cannot tolerate this, “I must get even. ” The object-image changes from friend to enemy. Aggressive energy is directed toward the object which produces inner conflict. Forgiveness-Based Cognitions • Violation occurs • Negative emotions follow • I will choose to forgive this person. The violation no longer has control over me. • Negative emotions are alleviated. • The object-image is less threatening or remains non-threatening. Freedom from inner conflict. is enhanced, peace restored, and life renewed.

Transformation Blocher, W. G. , & Wade, N, G. (January 2010) a process of

Transformation Blocher, W. G. , & Wade, N, G. (January 2010) a process of changes Inside the one who perceives the offense three areas: cognition, emotions, and behaviors toward the offender. Two mechanisms: 1) reduction of negative thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that include the pain, hurt, anger, bitterness, and any desires for revenge that result from the hurt; and (2) increase of positive thoughts, feelings, and prosocial behaviors toward the offender (e. g. compassion, understanding, love, mercy, or simply a feeling of pity

Cognitions of Offenses Discouraging thoughts about the offender Questioning: why did the offender do

Cognitions of Offenses Discouraging thoughts about the offender Questioning: why did the offender do it? Why did this happen to me? Thoughts of revenge Thoughts of relationship termination Why the offender should not have done this to begin with Thoughts of forgiveness Thoughts of distrust

Most Critical Factors to Consider in Relational Offenses Beckenbach, J. , Patrick, S. ,

Most Critical Factors to Consider in Relational Offenses Beckenbach, J. , Patrick, S. , & Sells, J. (2010) The immediate topic The history of arguments The nature of conflict between the two parties Family of origin or historical factors in these issues Use of defenses and self preservation techniques- perpetuates offenses

Common Elements I. Intra-individual and inter-personal Within the self Between the self and others,

Common Elements I. Intra-individual and inter-personal Within the self Between the self and others, relational II. Regarding a perceived transgressor/transgression NOTE: perceived versus actual transgressor- individual self and desired self, self and other, two parties each with some responsibility, groups

Common Elements III. Has disrupted appropriate social interactions IV. Requires a shift in emotions

Common Elements III. Has disrupted appropriate social interactions IV. Requires a shift in emotions from bitterness, anger, hared, toward more positive feelings, thoughts and behaviors V. Involves some plan of dealing with accepting or modifying behaviors based on perceived injustices VI. Involves freedom in communication “To be able to say without resentment, “I feel sad that our relationship is going this way and this is what I would like from here. . ” (Karen, R. -2001)

Meaning Making in Grief Clients present in terms of stories, narratives, and myths Learning

Meaning Making in Grief Clients present in terms of stories, narratives, and myths Learning to adjust what is “true” Exists in culture: 1. stories, narratives, myths and 2. nonverbal communication Meaning making : both within each client as well as therapeutic exchange. Not automatically important to everyone Gender differences- men seen as more attractive if less extreme grief symptoms but women seen as more attractive if open and sharing

Meaning Making in Grief is as varied as each individual. Recovery involves building grief

Meaning Making in Grief is as varied as each individual. Recovery involves building grief into existing structure of one’s life. Expression is better than denial. Expression may include a range of things unique to each individual. Gender roles play a part- men tend to be more private and repressive while women encouraged to be open. Requires cognitive reframing- not losing but redefining. Flexibility between and within individuals is required. (time, style, resources needed) Social support is an essential element. Avoidance is top problem and concern in terms of maladaptive responses. Seeing grief as an ability to broaden one’s perspective

Choices of the Client Uysal, R. , & Satici, S. A. , 2014 Power

Choices of the Client Uysal, R. , & Satici, S. A. , 2014 Power to create our own happiness or lack thereof Power to create vengeance or forgiveness Power to choose types of responses that raise or lower tensions Power to choose negative emotions like anger, bitterness and revenge or to give empathy, humility, second chances Power to redefine and re-evaluate relationship Power for justice in nonaggressive ways Power to consider the effects on one’s own identity and integrity

Defining Forgiveness How would you operationally define forgiveness?

Defining Forgiveness How would you operationally define forgiveness?

Forgiveness Assessment Is reconciliation a necessary part of forgiveness? Is apology necessary before you

Forgiveness Assessment Is reconciliation a necessary part of forgiveness? Is apology necessary before you would forgive someone? Is it necessary to forget the hurt when you forgive someone? Do you see forgiveness as primarily a religious concept? Is it possible to forgive someone without that person being aware of it?

Forgiveness Assessment Do you feel guilty if you do not forgive someone? Is it

Forgiveness Assessment Do you feel guilty if you do not forgive someone? Is it possible to forgive yourself? Is forgiveness more helpful for the person who was hurt than the person who did the hurting? Can forgiveness cause emotional problems? Do you think you have a moral responsibility to forgive?

Forgiveness Assessment Does forgiving someone excuse their hurtful behavior? Can forgiveness occur if a

Forgiveness Assessment Does forgiving someone excuse their hurtful behavior? Can forgiveness occur if a hurtful action is still happening? Are religious people more forgiving? Do you see yourself as more forgiving than others? Is it easier to forgive a friend/family member than a stranger? Does anger decrease when forgiveness takes place?

Forgiveness Assessment Is it easier to forgive a friend/family member than a stranger? Does

Forgiveness Assessment Is it easier to forgive a friend/family member than a stranger? Does anger decrease when forgiveness takes place? Are you more likely to forgive someone who has made a major life change? Do you see forgiveness as a weakness? Does forgiveness justify a hurtful behavior?

Forgiveness Assessment Does forgiveness automatically restore trust? Is it possible to be both angry

Forgiveness Assessment Does forgiveness automatically restore trust? Is it possible to be both angry and forgiving about a situation at the same time? Was forgiveness used often in your family? Do you believe people should be forgiven more than once for doing the same hurtful action repeatedly?

Hindrances To Forgiveness Poor role modeling of family with regard to emotional expression, sharing,

Hindrances To Forgiveness Poor role modeling of family with regard to emotional expression, sharing, and/or problem solving Codependency Communication difficulties- avoidance, anger, reactivity, holding things in, passive aggressive communication Extreme cognitions and black and white thinking- good/bad, right/wrong, all at fault versus not at fault A childhood where parents were seen as always “right” A childhood where children lived in fear of the parents’ reactions so they could never share their feelings

Perceptions of Counselors Versus Average Person/Client Counselors/theorists Cognitive commitment to forgive initiates the treatment

Perceptions of Counselors Versus Average Person/Client Counselors/theorists Cognitive commitment to forgive initiates the treatment and forgiveness process Avg. person/client Do the work of forgiveness and then decide later about commitment to forgive Commitment to forgive is an “easier” early stage Commitment to forgive is the most important part of the entire forgiveness process and also the most difficult. Bearing the pain is necessary and positive step in healing Social support systems necessary Social supports necessary during the deeper work phases of forgiveness to even start and go through every phase of forgiveness Have to act civil but don’t have to bear injustices if not client’s responsibility

Forgiveness and Spirituality Considered important and necessary by many Christians and people of faith

Forgiveness and Spirituality Considered important and necessary by many Christians and people of faith Spirituality is embedded in the person’s narratives of self and relationships Decisional forgiveness verses emotional forgiveness

Research Results Continued: Gender & Forgiveness 1) Women who were more religious and scored

Research Results Continued: Gender & Forgiveness 1) Women who were more religious and scored higher on empathy scales were more inclined to forgive. 2) Gender issues affecting forgiveness: women- guilt proneness, anger reduction, and detachment and men- age, shame proneness, and pride. 3) Defining forgiveness: women see process of forgiveness as vital to successful relationships and men see it as helpful but not necessary for maintenance of relationship. 4) Women are more likely to view forgiveness as obligatory and men are more likely to view forgiveness as situational.

Research Results Continued: Age & Forgiveness 1) Older people generally more likely to forgive.

Research Results Continued: Age & Forgiveness 1) Older people generally more likely to forgive. 2) Older women are more likely to forgive than older men. 3) Older women are more likely to forgive than younger women.

Research Results Continued Selfism- people internally focused on self, people who detach when things

Research Results Continued Selfism- people internally focused on self, people who detach when things get rough in relationships, and people with poor emotional coping skills; repeatedly shown that selfish negatively correlates with forgiveness Empathy-repeatedly shown to facilitate forgiveness and also to be present in people who are willing and able to demonstrate higher levels of forgiveness, perspective taking, and reconciliation

Emotional Factors in Forgiveness Cont Shame- Found to be the more generally “male” style

Emotional Factors in Forgiveness Cont Shame- Found to be the more generally “male” style while “guilt” is the generally “female” style according to research. Shame- sees problems as global, negative deficits in the entire self and enduring defects of a person. Negatively correlated with forgiveness. Considered connected to both higher degrees of unforgiveness of self and others, more irrational anger, and more external blame towards others. Guilt- Found to be the more generally “female” style while “shame” is found to be the more generally “male” style. Guilt- focuses on the behavior, assists in forgiveness- separating out action from personhood. Positively correlated with forgiveness. Considered more adaptive following an offense.

Emotional Components Continued Adaptive pride- Associated with higher self esteem. Correlates highly with forgiveness.

Emotional Components Continued Adaptive pride- Associated with higher self esteem. Correlates highly with forgiveness. A person with high adaptive pride sees himself or herself as socially responsible for the well being of the relationship. High levels of adaptive pride in men were generally associated with higher forgiveness.

Emotional Components Continued Cognitive adaptibility- Regardless of how many rejection wounds in the past

Emotional Components Continued Cognitive adaptibility- Regardless of how many rejection wounds in the past those who were more able to forgive were more willing to take a risk being turned away because they did not want to conceive of the possibility of not being together again. They were able to muster the strength to cognitively focus on the positives in spite of the negatives. Our greatest hurts are by the closest of intimates- refocus on this closeness. Another measure of cognitively adaptability demonstrated to correlate highly with forgiveness is the ability to separate personhood from action. Finally, those who were better at perspective taking were generally better at achieving higher levels of forgiveness

Emotional Components Continued Emotional restrictiveness- People who have a tendency to not allow themselves

Emotional Components Continued Emotional restrictiveness- People who have a tendency to not allow themselves to feel or admit any unpleasant feelings or to polarize these as “evil” are less likely to genuinely forgive and reach higher levels of forgiveness and reconciliation. “Denial of negative feelings” (Karen, R. -2001) actually hinders self forgiveness and other forgiveness. In addition, those who do all they can to not mourn actually promote complicated grief and hinder mourning in addition to complicating the recovery process.

Emotional Components Continued The blaming personality- Those who tend to see things as everyone

Emotional Components Continued The blaming personality- Those who tend to see things as everyone else’s fault actually tend to not mourn because they do not believe they ever have anything to mourn over. Blame renounces responsibility and dries up tears. Blame also is associated with generalities- (“they” all become exactly like the one who hurt me). This goes both for self forgiveness and other forgiveness. Mourning- Those who allow themselves freedom to mourn tend to be more loving.

Cost Benefit Analysis of Forgiveness Cooney, A. , Allan, M. M. , Mc. Killop,

Cost Benefit Analysis of Forgiveness Cooney, A. , Allan, M. M. , Mc. Killop, D. , & Drake, D. G. , 2011 Benefit to self Benefit to other Benefit to relationship Justice Consequences of the offense Context/perspective taking Empowerment

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive? Did you make a conscious decision to forgive?

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive? Did you make a conscious decision to forgive? If so, how did you arrive at that decision? Can you trace the reasoning that led you to the decision to forgive? Did you experience- at any point before, during, or after the making of the decisions to forgive- a changed emotional state that you would define as emotionally forgiving the person who harmed you? Do your Christian or faith beliefs, values, community, or friends play any part in your decision and experience of forgiveness? If so, how? What benefits (if any) have your experienced from having forgiven? How has your offender benefitted? Did you make a conscious decision to forgive? If so, how did you arrive at that decision? Can you trace the reasoning that led you to the decision to forgive?

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive? No: Offense was too big Risk for re-offending

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive? No: Offense was too big Risk for re-offending Nature of the offense Personal preferences/what I will or will not tolerate Psychological distress level

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive? Williamson, I. , & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive? Williamson, I. , & Gonzales, M. H. (2007) Positive Regard for Offender Subscale 5. Lets me see the good side of the other person, despite his or her offense. 8. Allows me to sympathize with the other person. 14. Enables me to empathize with the other person’s motives, needs, and reasons for doing what he or she did. 16. Helps to restore feelings of love and caring in my relationship with the other person. 19. Makes the other person’s action’s more understandable.

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive? Williamson, I. , & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive? Williamson, I. , & Gonzales, M. H. (2007) Religious–Expressive Subscale 6. Reflects a humble submission to God, who always forgives us. 9. Allows me to express God’s love. 20. Enables me to act as Jesus would want me to act. 21. Makes it possible for God to work through me. 23. Is an opportunity to model or identify with Jesus.

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive? Williamson, I. , & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive? Williamson, I. , & Gonzales, M. H. (2007) Self–Transformation Subscale 12. Enables me to look at myself differently than before. 13. Enables me to find a larger meaning in life. 15. Transforms me into a different and better person. 17. Enables me to adopt a larger perspective, to see the “big picture. ” 22. Is an opportunity to gain wisdom and knowledge.

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive? Williamson, I. , & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive? Williamson, I. , & Gonzales, M. H. (2007) Relief of Psychological Pain Subscale 2. Relieves the sadness I feel. 4. Eliminates the discomfort (e. g. pain, sadness, anger) I feel whenever I see the other person. 10. Helps me to feel happier in general.

Areas Which Hinder Forgiveness Black and white thinking Cognitive Inflexibility Lack of empathy Lack

Areas Which Hinder Forgiveness Black and white thinking Cognitive Inflexibility Lack of empathy Lack of putting things in context Lack of willingness to abandon one’s point of view A strict method of justice, grace, etc. Those who ruminate and justify resentment, anger, bitterness, etc.

Mechanisms Involved In Forgiveness Approaching- the offense Avoiding- the negative rumination, revenge and bitterness

Mechanisms Involved In Forgiveness Approaching- the offense Avoiding- the negative rumination, revenge and bitterness which keeps someone “bound” Avoidance Approaching

Five Elements of Effective Forgiveness Therapies: Blocher, W. G. , & Wade, N. G.

Five Elements of Effective Forgiveness Therapies: Blocher, W. G. , & Wade, N. G. , 2010 Clarification and distinction between forgiveness and excusing or Condoning Recalling hurt- telling stories anew Helping the offended have empathy for their offenders Acknowledging one’s own offenses Choosing to forgive

Forgiveness Focused Marriage Counseling: Stage one- 6 months or less Willing to learn, psychoeducation

Forgiveness Focused Marriage Counseling: Stage one- 6 months or less Willing to learn, psychoeducation Stage 2 - more than 6 months Being able to express dissatisfaction Live together happily but can be easily offended sometimes Stage 3 - strong conflict over 6 months Severe anxiety, reprehension, power struggles Stage Four Anxiety, power struggles to such a degree considering separation and divorce Marriage is over 1&2 - Seeking ways to communicate 3&4 - Tendency to negotiate and terminate

Forgiveness Centered Models Of Couples Therapy: 8 Session Model- Navidian, A. , & Bahari,

Forgiveness Centered Models Of Couples Therapy: 8 Session Model- Navidian, A. , & Bahari, F. , 2013 Introduction to the problem conceptualization, therapeutic alliance, joining with the couple Assessment of the problem pre-test and evaluation before intervention Introducing cognitive principles- irrational beliefs, distortion, unhealthy behavior reactions as well as solution focused approaches Introducing forgiveness as a healing behavior Decisional forgiveness- forgiveness barriers, assignments and behavioral goals Strengthening bonds with your faulty partner- asking forgiveness, exploring and overcoming resentment, exercising freedom in forgiveness Right and wrong ways of forgiving: cheap forgiveness versus genuine forgiveness Sustaining changes- How to incorporate principles of hope therapy

Hope-focused Marriage Enrichment (Ripley, J. S. & Worthington, E. L. , Jr. - 2002)

Hope-focused Marriage Enrichment (Ripley, J. S. & Worthington, E. L. , Jr. - 2002) 1. Teach clients to promote at least a 5 to 1 positive to negative interaction ratio. 2. Teach empathy- First person speaks followed by a valuing empathy statement of the second person before second person responds. 3. LOVE- L=listen to your partner O=observe your effects on your partner V=value your partner E=evaluate common interests 4. Incorporate intimacy building exercises (e. g. Gestalt moving closer, solution focused interchanges and valuing statements) 5. Coupes write a love letter to each other.

Empathy-Centered Forgiveness-Based Intervention (Ripley, J. S. & Worthington, E. L. , Jr. - 2002)

Empathy-Centered Forgiveness-Based Intervention (Ripley, J. S. & Worthington, E. L. , Jr. - 2002) Five parts: 1. Empathize with the offender to promote forgiveness. 2. Humility (choice of the offended) as the offended recalls times when he/she has received forgiveness from the person who offended them. 3. Shift from blame and resentment to willingness to forgive. 4. Commitment aloud to forgive the offender. 5. Maintenance- discussion of how the offender may prove him/herself on an ongoing basis.

Developing An Attitude of Humility “ I see my offender’s motivations and understand his

Developing An Attitude of Humility “ I see my offender’s motivations and understand his or her point of view. I feel what he or she might have been feeling. Further, I have felt similar feelings. I see that I have done things or wanted to do things as wicked as the other person. In those instances of my own weakness, I would like to have forgiveness extended to me. I want mercy for my own foibles. Who am I to demand justice for this person when I want mercy for myself? I know that the other person is needy. I want to help this person. I want to release him or her from the hate, anger, and desire for retribution that I feel. That is the decent thing to do. That is the right thing to do. ”

Empathy-Centered Forgiveness-Based Intervention- Continued Therapeutic Tasks: Ask each person in the family or group

Empathy-Centered Forgiveness-Based Intervention- Continued Therapeutic Tasks: Ask each person in the family or group or relationship to describe from his/her point of view and facilitate hearing and empathy by others Follow up with assisting others to think based on the initial comments about what may please the first communicator (perspective taking) Help the “group” speak to common feelings and perception Facilitate each admitting his/her part and verbalizing commitment to ongoing healthy relationship

Attachment Theory Models of Forgiveness (Lawler-Row, K. A. , Younger, J. W. , Piferi,

Attachment Theory Models of Forgiveness (Lawler-Row, K. A. , Younger, J. W. , Piferi, R. L, & Jones, W. H. - 2006 Secure attachment styles associated with forgiveness. Linked to degree to which people can: Tolerate negative affect Experience pain Communicate feelings Reframe the offender Have better internal emotional regulation Demonstrate broader emotional expressiveness Have less idealized expectations and more flexibility in relationship interactions Insecurely attached: avoidance, difficulty working through the relationship, physiological problems

The Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model (Berecz, J. M. -2001) Three “R”s: Rapport Reframing Release

The Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model (Berecz, J. M. -2001) Three “R”s: Rapport Reframing Release

Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model (Continued) Rapport Counselor’s responsibilities are strong here- counselor as psychoeducational

Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model (Continued) Rapport Counselor’s responsibilities are strong here- counselor as psychoeducational teacher Counselor to teach idea of “empathy as dialectic imagination”- talk to client about learning a way of moving away from self perception being applied onto other (transgressor) toward reaching outward toward other instead Counselor to teach empathy and perspective taking skills and move client away from chronic self focus inward

Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model (Continued) Reframing Assist one of the parties in making a

Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model (Continued) Reframing Assist one of the parties in making a statement to break the cycle of unforgiveness and selfish (e. g. “I know we have recently not been understanding each other very well but I would like for us to try and hear each other better so we can have a more peaceful home. ”) Reframing in terms of a cooperative problem solving solution-focused team venture.

Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model (Continued) Release NOTE: Berecz talks of “release” instead of “reconciliation”

Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model (Continued) Release NOTE: Berecz talks of “release” instead of “reconciliation” Belief that in some cases it may be “psychologically harmful” to try and reconcile (repeated infidelity of a spouse, abuse, addiction) Allows for disjunctive forgiveness whereby the offended can “accept” the understanding of the personhood, context, and personality issues of the transgressor but the offended can move on without letting them have a hold on the hurt party. Releasing bitterness even if there will never be reconciliation or if the offender never repents or apologizes. Helpful when the transgressor refuses to change his or her ways and sees nothing wrong even when you know what the offender did was wrong.

Contextual Therapy (Murray, R. J. -2002, based on Hargrave, T. D. -1994) Four Stations

Contextual Therapy (Murray, R. J. -2002, based on Hargrave, T. D. -1994) Four Stations Station 1 &2 = Exoneration (attempts at removing culpability and ending condemnation toward the wrongdoer) 1) Insight Understanding of possible casual factors Minimizes future damage in relationship Looks at objective facts 2) Understanding The wrongdoers limitations, development, efforts, and possible intents Placing things in larger context Looks at subjective experiences and motivational factors

Contextual Therapy Continued Station 3 & 4= Forgiveness (actions regarding responsibility, wrongdoer admitting his/her

Contextual Therapy Continued Station 3 & 4= Forgiveness (actions regarding responsibility, wrongdoer admitting his/her part and trust being re-established) 3) Opportunity for Compensation Re-entering the relationship in a new way Victim must agree to have the pain addressed by the perpetrator and allow self to be healed Victim must decide if he/she is willing to trust the perpetrator and to what degree in the future Addressing interactional systems patterns

Contextual Therapy Continued 4) Overt Forgiving Relational ethics applied- what entitled to receive versus

Contextual Therapy Continued 4) Overt Forgiving Relational ethics applied- what entitled to receive versus what obligated to give Defining what the relationship will look like from here

Intentional Forgiving (Ferch, S. R. - Summer 1998) Largely cognitive based Primary burden placed

Intentional Forgiving (Ferch, S. R. - Summer 1998) Largely cognitive based Primary burden placed on the counselor as facilitator and educator Forgiveness seen as an act of the will by the client and a deliberate decision to work through emotions and have mutual respect for the other person Does not necessarily have to involve the offender but seen as more successful if it does involve the offender Two phases: 1) Psychoeducation

Intentional Forgiving Phase One: Psychoeducation Considered the preliminary work Counselor responsible for setting the

Intentional Forgiving Phase One: Psychoeducation Considered the preliminary work Counselor responsible for setting the client up and assisting him/her in understanding the work of forgiveness Forgiveness framed as a choice Reconciliation seen as possible and intentional when it wound be healthy

Intentional Forgiving Steps of Phase One: 1) Teach client that forgiveness is a choice.

Intentional Forgiving Steps of Phase One: 1) Teach client that forgiveness is a choice. 2) Frame as a process. 3) Assist the client in receiving the offense. Forgive because you will remember the offense. Allow and facilitate grief and mourning. 4) Forgive for yourself, not the offender. 5) Help the client conceptualize forgiveness in light of both mercy and justice. 6) Help client understanding and differentiate between the intent of a person and his/her actions and to consider possible positive intent. 7) Help the client permit the re-evaluation and modification of relationship when necessary.

Intentional Forgiving Continued: Face To Face Interactions With The Offender Steps of Phase Two:

Intentional Forgiving Continued: Face To Face Interactions With The Offender Steps of Phase Two: 1) can be phone call or letter or in person 2) not for use with possible re-offenders 3) not for use if offender does not seem to buy into tenants of intentional forgiveness 4) use body language and positioning- facing each other, open posture, welcoming facial expressions, and calm open tones of voice 5) assist the client in naming the offender’s behavior while assisting the offender in listening (do not allow for excuses) 6) be directive toward the client’s engaging the offender’s care, concern, and loving expression toward the client 7) help the offender ask forgiveness directly 8) help the client respond specifically by offering forgiveness 9) teach less defensive ways of communication between the two parties (e. g. I statements) 10) use therapeutic touch and positioning between the parties when appropriate to affirm closeness again and openness to redeveloping sense of “us”

Enright & Fitzgibbons Studies: Process Model Four stages of forgiveness: 1) Uncovering 2) Decision

Enright & Fitzgibbons Studies: Process Model Four stages of forgiveness: 1) Uncovering 2) Decision 3) Work 4) Outcome Uncovering- explore past grievances and areas that need forgiveness, regrets, and disappointments Decisions- Examine the consequences of holding on to past hurts versus letting them go Work stage- Helping process with the client the thoughts, feelings, and images regarding forgiveness of the key issue(s) Outcome- Create a ritual between the client and other for providing closure to this process and plan for dealing with things from here

General Findings: Process-Based Theories Earlier stages in most developmental theories= cognitive focused but advanced

General Findings: Process-Based Theories Earlier stages in most developmental theories= cognitive focused but advanced stages of forgiveness require empathy and emotion-based techniques. Meta-Analysis Studies Strictly cognitive (decision based and will power enhancing) approaches are not enough and did not produce authentic forgiveness or maintain gains in the long term. However, process-based techniques (both individuals and group) showed extremely large effect sizes in meta-analysis studies. Need for techniques combining cognitive and affective/emotive techniques. Systems theories also facilitated forgiveness and showed greater outcomes, likely related to the degree of perspective taking incorporated.

Self Forgiveness: The Tyrannical Shoulds I am unworthy What I’ve done is too bad

Self Forgiveness: The Tyrannical Shoulds I am unworthy What I’ve done is too bad Forgiveness was too cheap because I didn’t pay enough price for what I did I’m not sure I can do enough to undo bad effects of my behavior or make it better. If only _____, then ______ Shoulds, musts Have to “Creation of internal idols” Solution: Freedom from shame through separation of behavior from personhood

Defining Shame Subjective emotion Linked to perception of identity Narrowly focused Automatic emotional reaction

Defining Shame Subjective emotion Linked to perception of identity Narrowly focused Automatic emotional reaction Habitual Loss of context Paralysis, feeling immobilized Desperate behavior

Defining Shame Inner perception of inadequacy Belief that one is inherently flawed and imperfect

Defining Shame Inner perception of inadequacy Belief that one is inherently flawed and imperfect A premise that it is impossible for someone to love me as defective as I am. A belief that if I feel less than who I should be and I don’t measure up than others must think so too Self conscious emotion Emotions which requires self awareness (includes shame) Negative, global stable and controllable erroneous attributes

Defining Shame Fear of disrepute Concerning something one is ashamed of Keeping things secret

Defining Shame Fear of disrepute Concerning something one is ashamed of Keeping things secret Necessitates a cover up Unstable trust and security A sense of disappointment in oneself Promotes becoming a false self

What All Shame Based Relationships Have in Common Control and chaos Mysterious happenings- how

What All Shame Based Relationships Have in Common Control and chaos Mysterious happenings- how did we get here to this point? Verbal comments related to hopeless helpless feelings Nonverbal postures of giving up- averted gaze, slumped over, shrugged shoulders etc. Lack of resolution Resentment Ambiguity, no clear rules Unspoken guidelines Game playing or passive underlying threads to be figured out

Curse Full Relationships Van. Vonderen, J. , 1992, p. 27 C- Controlling U- Unforgiving

Curse Full Relationships Van. Vonderen, J. , 1992, p. 27 C- Controlling U- Unforgiving R- Reactive S- Shaming E- Ego-Driven Controlling- My self esteem is based on what you do or don’t do for me. Unforgiving- Through Not forgiving I can maintain the upper hand, holding onto punishment and resentment. Reactive- I cannot choose how I respond to you because you “make” me act a certain way and I have excuses for my reactions. Shaming- I can play God and it is my responsibility to place myself above others. If you’d only do the right things, I’ll be happy. Ego Driven- I want things to happen a certain way so others can think well of me.

TIRED Van. Vonderen, J. , 1992, p. 33 Trapped- No win situation, never good

TIRED Van. Vonderen, J. , 1992, p. 33 Trapped- No win situation, never good enough Indicted- Reminded of one’s inadequacies Responsibility- the weight of the world is on my shoulders Exposed- Scrutinizing every behavior Defensive- If only thinking

Empty people cannot fill other empty people. They merely look as though they can

Empty people cannot fill other empty people. They merely look as though they can fill empty people.

Shame Versus Guilt Shame Guilt Visual Auditory Perception Behaviors, evidence Hiding, Concealment Confession, atonement

Shame Versus Guilt Shame Guilt Visual Auditory Perception Behaviors, evidence Hiding, Concealment Confession, atonement Split self identity Action Failure to meet expectations Interpersonal transgression

A Parable: The prisoner in the dark Cave (Bradshaw, J. , 1988, 150 -151)

A Parable: The prisoner in the dark Cave (Bradshaw, J. , 1988, 150 -151) There was once a man who was sentenced to die. He was blindfolded and put in a pitch black cave. The cave was one hundred yards aby one hundred yards. He was told there was a way out of the cave, and if he could find it, he was a free man. After a rock was secured at the entrance to the cave, the prisoner was allowed to take the blindfold off and roam freely in the darkness. He was to be fed only bread and water for the first thirty days and nothing thereafter. The bread and water were lowered from a small hole in the roof at the south end of the cave. The ceiling was about eighteen feet high. The opening was about one foot in diameter. The prisoner could see a fat light up above, but no light came into the cave.

A Parable: The prisoner in the dark Cave As the prisoner roamed and crawled

A Parable: The prisoner in the dark Cave As the prisoner roamed and crawled around the cave, he bumped into rocks. Some were rather large. He thought that if he could build a mound of rocks and dirt that was high enough, he could reach the opening and enlarge it enough to crawl through and escape. Since he was five feet, nine inches and his reach was another two feet, the mound had to be at least ten feet high. So the prisoner spent his waking hours picking up rocks and digging up dirt. At the end of two weeks, he had built a mound of about six feet. He thought that if he could duplicate that in the next two weeks, he could make it before his food ran out. But as he already used most of the rocks in the cave, he had to dig harder and harder. He had to do the digging with his bare hands. After a month had passed, the mound was nine and one half feet high and he could almost reach the opening if he jumped. He was almost exhausted and extremely weak.

A Parable: The prisoner in the dark Cave One day, just as he thought

A Parable: The prisoner in the dark Cave One day, just as he thought he could reach the opening, he fell. He was simply too weak to get up, and in two days he died. His captors came up to get his body. They rolled away the huge rock that covered the entrance. As the light flooded into the cave, it illuminated an opening in the wall of the cave about three feet in circumference. It was the opening to a tunnel that led to the other side of the mountain. This was the passage to freedom the prisoner had been told about. It was in the south wall, directly under the opening in the ceiling. All the prisoner would have to do was crawl about two hundred feet and he would have found freedom. He had so completely focused on the light that it never occurred to him to look for freedom in the darkess. Liberation was there all the time, right next to the mound he was building, but it was in darkness.

Fear To be alive again To live to the fullest Not so much what

Fear To be alive again To live to the fullest Not so much what has happened already but more what could happen if life was different Not good enough- rejection, lack of acceptance Falling short Not making others happy

What are you eating? Others opinions- constant trying Mental preoccupation Struggle- self goals (hope)

What are you eating? Others opinions- constant trying Mental preoccupation Struggle- self goals (hope) vs. people pleasing “If you eat all their emotional garbage, it becomes your emotional garbage. But if you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell. ” (p. 49, Ruiz, D. M. )

What are You Feeding On? “Before we can make deep changes in our lives,

What are You Feeding On? “Before we can make deep changes in our lives, we have to look into our diet, our way on consuming. We have to live in such a way that we stop consuming the things that poison and intoxicate us. Then, we will have the strength to allow the best in us to arise, and we will no longer be victims of anger, of frustration. ” (Hanh, T. , N, 2004)

Take nothing personally Brings freedom Consideration of other options and explanations Application of cognitive

Take nothing personally Brings freedom Consideration of other options and explanations Application of cognitive debating strategies A guarded heart Inner contentment that is not determined by people and circumstances Is what you’re doing working? Where will you be in 1 month? 6 months? 1 year/years from now if you continue?

Family of Origin Messages Be good, right, strong, and perfect. Shut up and don’t

Family of Origin Messages Be good, right, strong, and perfect. Shut up and don’t speak. Don’t rock the boat. Don’t share your opinions. Be numb. Be careful. Be blind to mixed expectations. What matters most is everyone else- not you.

Family Rules of Shame Based Systems Be in control at all time of all

Family Rules of Shame Based Systems Be in control at all time of all behavior Think in terms of if only ____, then _______. Deny feelings, especially unpleasant ones. Don’t even try to figure out the environment around you because it will change. Expect unreliability and change. Don’t think. Don’t feel. Don’t be who you are- be good, right, strong and perfect.

Poisonous Messages of Childhood (Bradshaw, J. , 1988, p. 63 -64) Adults are the

Poisonous Messages of Childhood (Bradshaw, J. , 1988, p. 63 -64) Adults are the masters of the dependent child. They determine in godlike fashion wat is right and what is wrong. The child is held responsible for their parents’ anger. The parents must always be shielded. The child’s life affirming feelings pose a threat to the parent. The child’s will must be “broken” a soon as possible. All this must happen at a very early age so that the child “won’t notice” and will therefore not be able to expose the adult.

The “Good” Child (Brown, B. , 2012, p. 5253): Never inconveniences parents Never embarrasses

The “Good” Child (Brown, B. , 2012, p. 5253): Never inconveniences parents Never embarrasses or disappoints parents Never has personal needs Knows how to do everything correctly without being taught Never has a critical or separate thought Never loses (except when competing with a parent) Never gets less than an A for any reason Thrives on instability chaos and pain Does everything parents ask joyfully, instantly, and perfectly Never remembers anything but the happy times Emotions are unnecessary burdens

Shame Is Part of Early Learning as a Toddler Hangs head Avoids eyes contact

Shame Is Part of Early Learning as a Toddler Hangs head Avoids eyes contact Stop smiling Stops all activity Rage against other who humiliated them Lack of empathy for others Fear of accepting help Discomfort asking questions Anxious about therapy Straightforward, direct communication is difficult Fear of new skills produces failure Lies, excuses, distortions- indirect

Other Side Effects of Shame: Thought Addiction Mental preoccupation If the other person place

Other Side Effects of Shame: Thought Addiction Mental preoccupation If the other person place or thing only would ____, then I could _____. . . Trying to sort through painful emotions An attempt to avoid feelings associated with shame

Cognitive Behavioral Strategies Shoulds If only ___, then ___. Have tos Absolutes: good/bad Right/wrong

Cognitive Behavioral Strategies Shoulds If only ___, then ___. Have tos Absolutes: good/bad Right/wrong Success/failure Teach the cycle of feelings, thoughts/beliefs, intensified feelings, missed goals, and toxic behaviors. Help the client identify his/her irrational misbeliefs. Teach cognitive debating strategies. Develop specific healthy renewed thoughts/beliefs and behaviors which will indirectly assist with overcoming feelings of defeat, lack of control, etc.

Cognitive Behavioral Principles Continuing to elicit negative thoughts and record more helpful ways of

Cognitive Behavioral Principles Continuing to elicit negative thoughts and record more helpful ways of thinking about situations, self and others to influence emotion positively. Reviewing thoughts, particularly expectations for self and ‘shoulds’ rather than ‘wants’. Identifying rules for living and examining their helpfulness. Identifying unhelpful thinking styles that lower mood. Encouraging the client to analyze thoughts and then step back from them. Reviewing alternative explanations for negative automatic thoughts. Conducting behavioral experiments to help increase believability of alternative thoughts. Listing goals with an emphasis on own needs and expectations.

Thinking Error Types 1) Awfulizing/Catastrophizing- Predicting only negative outcomes for the future: “ ____

Thinking Error Types 1) Awfulizing/Catastrophizing- Predicting only negative outcomes for the future: “ ____ is awful, terrible, catastrophic or as bad as it could possibly be”, “If ___ happens my life is over. ” 2) Disqualifying/Discounting- Overlooking the positive and only seeing the negative, believing that good things don’t count: “I am sure even when my family complimented me they had to because they are my relatives. They had to be nice. ” 3) All or nothing- Viewing the situation on one end of extremes: “If my boss corrects me I must be the worst employee”, “If my child does something wrong I failed as a parent”, “If I didn’t pass one exam I am an unsuccessful student. ” 4 Low Frustration Tolerance- Belief that things should not be inconvenient: “I can’t stand _____” ; “_____ is too much and is intolerable or unbearable. ”

Thinking Error Types 5) Self Downing- Self deprecating thoughts: “I am no good, worthless,

Thinking Error Types 5) Self Downing- Self deprecating thoughts: “I am no good, worthless, useless, and utter failure, beyond hope or help, devoid of value. ” 6) Other downing- Derogatory beliefs about others: “You are no good, worthless, useless, an utter failure, beyond hope, of no value. ” 7) Emotional reasoning- Letting emotions totally overrule facts to the contrary: “I feel as if everyone is talking about me. ” 8) Labeling- Giving a label or stereotype without testing beliefs out: ” All of them are like that. ” 9) Mind reading- Trying to predict things based on limited aspects of a situation: “ I know they will think I’m poor because I can’t afford the latest clothes. ”

Thinking Error Types 10) Overgeneralization- Making broad conclusions about an event based on limited

Thinking Error Types 10) Overgeneralization- Making broad conclusions about an event based on limited information: “My husband doesn’t love me because he is always busy when I am around. ” 11) Personalization- Assuming that others behaviors are all about you: “My wife is quiet. Something must be on her mind. ” 12) Shoulds/musts- Having an absolute concrete standard about how things ought to be: “ Successful people in life only get As in school. ”

Cognitive Debating Strategies Is this a fact/strong opinion? What evidence is there for this?

Cognitive Debating Strategies Is this a fact/strong opinion? What evidence is there for this? Any evidence against this? Alternative explanations that are more reasonable/possible? Is there another way of feeling or thinking? What would someone else make of this situation? What advice would I give someone else? Is this a type of unhelpful thinking habits? Is this an automatic thought?

Cognitive Debating Strategies What am I actually reacting to? Am I getting anything out

Cognitive Debating Strategies What am I actually reacting to? Am I getting anything out of proportion? What harm has actually been done? Am I overestimating the bad? The danger? Am I underestimating my ability to cope? Am I going to a negative automatic place? How is pressuring myself or others helping me get through this? Just because I feel bad is it really bad? Are things really totally black or white- as clear cut as I am making them? Can there be more than one solution to this problem?

Cognitive Debating Strategies Is believing this life giving or death producing? How important is

Cognitive Debating Strategies Is believing this life giving or death producing? How important is this really? How will things be in 1 week? 1 month? 6 months? 1 year? If I continue thinking or behaving this way? What would happen if I tried to see this situation as an outside observer? How would things look? Would things have a different meaning? What is the bigger picture?

Changing Distortions Type of Thinking Negative Impact Replacement All or nothing Discouragement, No middle

Changing Distortions Type of Thinking Negative Impact Replacement All or nothing Discouragement, No middle ground Continuum thinking Overgeneralization Makes all problems last forever Focus on the here and now Negativity Makes the positive impossible Appreciate the positives Discounting the positive Eliminates real joy in the present Purposely find and enjoy the positives

Changing Distortions Jumping to Conclusions Anger, anxiety, depression Consider all possibilities Predictions Dread, disaster,

Changing Distortions Jumping to Conclusions Anger, anxiety, depression Consider all possibilities Predictions Dread, disaster, panic Stay in the present Mind reading Anxiety, sadness, anger, assumptions Clear communication Magnification Treating people unfairly See strengths in self and others Emotional reasoning Upsetting judgments made Listdn to your head and without evidence heart

Changing Distortions Shoulds Discouragement at self, anger at others Bring expectations in line with

Changing Distortions Shoulds Discouragement at self, anger at others Bring expectations in line with reality Labeling Discouragement at self, anger at others Stick to specific circumstances Blame Discouragement at self, anger at others Stick to specific circumstances

Challenging Attributions 1) Am I ascribing something like “This situation happened because ______? ”

Challenging Attributions 1) Am I ascribing something like “This situation happened because ______? ” 2)Am I making a judgment about another person’s personality because of this event? What am I telling myself about what this means? (Because this happened, it means---) 3) Am I using adjectives to describe the other person’s personality, intentions rather than simply describing the behavior? (e. g. “You are always so lazy. You never care about our house. ” versus “I am concerned about the amount of cleaning we still have to do. I realize we have busy tiring jobs but I am wondering how we plan to get the dishes done and get our things set up for tomorrow plus help the kids to finish their homework. How do we plan to get to divide these things up- any ideas? ”)

Challenging Attributions 4) Is the way I’m thinking about this definitely 100% a fact?

Challenging Attributions 4) Is the way I’m thinking about this definitely 100% a fact? 5) Is there any other way of looking at the situation? Come up with at least three exceptions. 6) Have I assumed that because something is (perceived by me to be) such and such way that I am powerless over it?

Attributions Exercises 1) My spouse came home late two days this week. His clothes

Attributions Exercises 1) My spouse came home late two days this week. His clothes were a little disheveled looking- he must be having an affair. 2) My wife was supposed to meet me for the romantic dinner. She was ½ hour late and did not call me. When I saw her I had to yell at her because I knew she did not make our dinner a priority. 3) My coworker left a pile of unfinished work on her desk. It must be that she is lazy and planned to have me do all her dirty work.

Keys To Shame Resilience The ability to recognize and understand shame triggers High levels

Keys To Shame Resilience The ability to recognize and understand shame triggers High levels of critical awareness about shame triggers. Willingness to reach out to others Ability to speak shame- put hurt and pains into words

Exercise Into Shame Triggers: I want others to think, feel, perceive _____ about me.

Exercise Into Shame Triggers: I want others to think, feel, perceive _____ about me. I DO NOT want others to think, feel, perceive _____ about me. Who benefits from my expectations? How realistic are they? If they are not life giving but are death producing and discouraging how can I continue to tell myself them? Do the expectations conflict with each other? Is my identity focused on what I truly want or what I think or what others want for me? What would be the worst thing about if someone perceives my identity differently than I do? How will I handle it? What can I really control about what people think of me? What can I really control about what happens to me?

Examples of Shame An older person going back to school to learn skills and

Examples of Shame An older person going back to school to learn skills and advance at work but feels out of place about not being up to date on latest technology A doctor blaming a parent for not watching enough or taking care enough since the child got an infection. Someone telling a mom who missing here daughter who did that the mom should not grieve because we all know she is in a better place. Someone in a long lasting marriage who has stuck it out does not understand why divorced single parent juggling everything in life cannot just work through it. A man who is ashamed to say his wife got a DUI and is an alcoholic. A person is ashamed to say that their family member is in jail for a crime when asked where he is and how he is doing. A person who is consumed with an addiction does not want anyone to know the amount of time they spend on that.

Examples of Shame A woman who has postpartum depression has intrusive unwanted thoughts regarding

Examples of Shame A woman who has postpartum depression has intrusive unwanted thoughts regarding hurting her kids since her postpartum depression is worse. A spouse hides at home alone not wanting anyone to know that the reasons the spouse died was for suicide. A family keeps secrets to protect the fact that they will never know how that relative died. A middle aged adult struggles to find employment because he/she never graduated from high school. A woman struggles to trust anyone because she has been raped A person who has made many mistakes in life but as now changes his/her ways fears that others will always know and remember w he she used to be.

Examples of Shame Something happened that wasn’t supposed to happen to me as I

Examples of Shame Something happened that wasn’t supposed to happen to me as I was a good, ethical moral nice person. I dot deserve this. What did I do so bad to deserve this? A person tries to open up to talk about certain things with others but feels like everyone is tired of hearing her. Someone tries to guess what she should and should not say around others so as to not rock the boat. A woman feels out of place when others tease her about the years passing and her not having children as she struggles with infertility. Everyone around you thinks you are an amazing person juggling tasks that would be hard for anyone to manage. However inside you know how inadequate you feel.

Building Empathy: Your Connection Network Who gives empathy and support? Who keeps the shame

Building Empathy: Your Connection Network Who gives empathy and support? Who keeps the shame going? How do you build empathy with others?

Principles of The Fire “If your house is on fire, the most urgent thing

Principles of The Fire “If your house is on fire, the most urgent thing to do is to go back and try to put out the fire, not to run after the person you believe to be the arsonist. If you run after the person you suspect has burned your house, your house will burn down while you are chasing him or her. That is nor the action of a wise person. You must go back and put out the fire. When you are angry, if you continue to interact with or argue with the other person, if you try to punish hi m or her, you are acting exactly like someone who runs after the arsonist while their home goes up in flames. ” (Hanh, T. , N, 2004)

What People On Receiving End Can Do Affirming mattering Normalizing emotions Allowing other to

What People On Receiving End Can Do Affirming mattering Normalizing emotions Allowing other to have a voice Communication game: You feel _____ when _____ happened and in the future you’d like ____. (get 3 yes answers indicates understanding/empathy)

Dealing with Offenses: Both Offender and Offended “A preacher put this question to a

Dealing with Offenses: Both Offender and Offended “A preacher put this question to a class of children: “If all the people in the world were red and all the bad people were green, what color would you be? ” Little Linda Jean thought mightily for a moment. Then her face brightened and she replied: Reverend, I’d be streaky. ” Kurtz, E. & Ketcham, K. , 1992, p. 56 “It is only by ceasing to play God, by coming to terms with errors ad shortcomings, and by accepting the inability to control every aspect of their lives that[we can] find the peace and serenity that things like alcohol, drugs, sex, money, materialism, possessions, power, money, privilege, etc. promise but never deliver. ” Kurtz, E. & Ketcham, K. , 1992

Undoing Shame In Relationships- Behavior Requests “If you are capable of writing or saying

Undoing Shame In Relationships- Behavior Requests “If you are capable of writing or saying these three sentences, you are capable of true love. You are using the authentic language. “Darling, I suffer, and I want you to know it. Darling, I am doing my best. I’m not trying to blame anyone, including you. Since we are so close to each other, since we have made a commitment to each other, I feel I need your support and your help to get out of this state of suffering, of anger. ” Using the three sentences to communicate with the other person can quickly reassure and relieve him or her. The way you handle your anger will inspire a lot of confidence and respect in the other person and in yourself. This is not very difficult to do. ” (Hanh, T. , N, 2004)

Healthy Family relationship messages You can be who you are. You are allowed to

Healthy Family relationship messages You can be who you are. You are allowed to just be a child. You do not exist to just please me. You can develop at your own personal pace and style. You can ask for what you need. You can try out new things. You can express the full range of feelings, thoughts, and opinions. You are worth someone being there for you.

Healthy Shame/Guilt Permission to be wholly human Ability to be perfectly imperfect Freedom to

Healthy Shame/Guilt Permission to be wholly human Ability to be perfectly imperfect Freedom to ask for help to get needs met Balanced autonomy

Coping With The Shame Emotionally “Our body is impermanent, our emotions are impermanent, and

Coping With The Shame Emotionally “Our body is impermanent, our emotions are impermanent, and our perceptions are impermanent. Our anger, our sadness, our love, our hatred, and our consciousness are also impermanent. ” (Hanh, T. , N, 2004)

Seven Mistakes and Fixes-Schwirzer, J. J. Problems Fixes Criticism: Proportion of negatives to Affirmation:

Seven Mistakes and Fixes-Schwirzer, J. J. Problems Fixes Criticism: Proportion of negatives to Affirmation: 5 to 1 or 10 to one affirmations positives, positive thoughts must be held to to criticisms memory for 1 seconds to become integrated Complaining: pointing out and dwelling on the negative Gratitude: thankfulness, finding the good Self pity: playing the victim Taking responsibility: making amends Worry: fight or flight, constant readiness for Trust: Lessen worry time by solution action focused active methods of remembering the good

Seven Mistakes and Fixes-Schwirzer, J. J. Problems Fixes Avoidance: not doing what one knows

Seven Mistakes and Fixes-Schwirzer, J. J. Problems Fixes Avoidance: not doing what one knows to do Action: use your will to choose the good Emotionalism: reacting based on memories linked to a feeling (in absence of evidence) Reason: Cognitive debating strategies Bitterness: overprocessing pain Forgiveness: choice to let go of the pain

Forgiveness and Disease (Elliott, B. A. , 2011; Green, M. , Decourville, N. ,

Forgiveness and Disease (Elliott, B. A. , 2011; Green, M. , Decourville, N. , & Sadava, S. , 2012): Unforgiveness increases the inflammatory response Releases high levels of cortisol so body is in action mode like there is a real and present threat All parts of the body are affected (heart, sleep, digestion, mood) True forgiveness must not involve simply cognitive decision (least effective) but also emotional forgiveness- thinking differently about the offender and the offense Higher levels of forgiveness= Better cardio functioning, improved endocrine and immune systems

Four Phases in Forgiveness: Uncovering as person= aware of probes and pain Deciding- must

Four Phases in Forgiveness: Uncovering as person= aware of probes and pain Deciding- must be an alternative Working : reframing in terms of empathy and acceptance Deepening- new meaning and conceptualization

REACH Approach: R Recall the hurt E Empathize with the offender A Give an

REACH Approach: R Recall the hurt E Empathize with the offender A Give an altruistic gift of forgiveness C Commit to the forgiveness experience H Hold onto forgiveness even when doubt arises

“ Across the literature when people are surveyed willingness to forgive is almost always

“ Across the literature when people are surveyed willingness to forgive is almost always one of top ten things named as strengths in relationships and promoting relationship health. ”

Forgiveness determined to be central in: Abuse trauma recovery Incest recovery Terminal illnesses Men

Forgiveness determined to be central in: Abuse trauma recovery Incest recovery Terminal illnesses Men affected by their partners having an abortion Cancer Substance abusers Affairs and infidelity

Definitions “letting go of bad feelings” “No longer feeling destructive things inside” “Choosing to

Definitions “letting go of bad feelings” “No longer feeling destructive things inside” “Choosing to be healthy regardless of what has been done to you” “Moving on with life”

Forgiveness in Death and Dying Needed by many hospice patients for closure More than

Forgiveness in Death and Dying Needed by many hospice patients for closure More than 85% of patients needed it to move on End of life issues bring out need forgiveness What people need most

Forgiveness in Death and Dying Love Affirmation Gratitude Knowing they will be missed Reassurance

Forgiveness in Death and Dying Love Affirmation Gratitude Knowing they will be missed Reassurance Hanging on Letting go See you again Forgiveness Apology Seeing forgiveness Offense by family member

Stages of Change: Pre-contemplation- no behavior change intended in next 6 months Contemplation- change

Stages of Change: Pre-contemplation- no behavior change intended in next 6 months Contemplation- change intended within next 6 months, not within next 30 days Preparation-Change is intended in next 30 days and some actions made Action- change is implemented but not yet maintained for more than 6 months Maintenance- change is kept up for 6 months or more

Decisional Versus Emotional Forgiveness Decisions less effective in western cultures that prize individualism More

Decisional Versus Emotional Forgiveness Decisions less effective in western cultures that prize individualism More valued in collectivist cultures that value collective

Two Aspects of Genuine Forgiveness Cognitive change Behavior change Within both is not genuine

Two Aspects of Genuine Forgiveness Cognitive change Behavior change Within both is not genuine forgiveness Cognitive= a knowledge that I am forgiven and forgive others Behavioral= Choosing to do different things that breed security, hope, accountability, etc. Trauma, conflict, anxiety, resentment will not lessen if both are not in place because the offended will not think he or she can really take the other seriously

Developing Narratives Use the words “grief accounts” instead of “grief stories” Assist in meeting

Developing Narratives Use the words “grief accounts” instead of “grief stories” Assist in meeting roles of: mourning and returning to life Practice grief (ex: self eulogy, reality- beginning, middle, and end of stories) Restorative narrative- should be designed to fix, cure, and heal By end of story should be some new activities aimed at coping with the grief in productive ways

Good Grieving- Therapy Altmaier, E. M. (January 2011) Larsen, D. , Edey, W. ,

Good Grieving- Therapy Altmaier, E. M. (January 2011) Larsen, D. , Edey, W. , Lemay, L. (December 2007). Grief as part of the human experience rather than as something to be mended Focus on good which comes out of bad Solution focus Addresses: images and thoughts, separation, grief feelings Trust to allow the story to come forth Increased sense of spirituality or good in spite of loss Instills hope- the story is ongoing- 15%

Feelings To Deal With Anger Hurt or pain Betrayal Sadness Confusion Bewilderment Upset Disappointed/let

Feelings To Deal With Anger Hurt or pain Betrayal Sadness Confusion Bewilderment Upset Disappointed/let down Hatred Frustration Depression

Feelings To Deal With Identify The Client’s Feelings as you see them in each

Feelings To Deal With Identify The Client’s Feelings as you see them in each scenario. 1) I can’t believe that my friend who I’ve known since childhood did that! After all those years I never would have guessed. I thought I knew him better. How can I ever trust him again when I didn’t even see this coming?

Feelings To Deal With 2) I thought my home would be a safe place

Feelings To Deal With 2) I thought my home would be a safe place but I found out it wasn’t. If it wasn’t for my mom’s boyfriends coming in and having their way with me then it was the domestic fights between my mom and dad. And I never got the opportunity to live in a quiet, safe neighborhood either. If not violence inside there were random gunshots and crimes outside. I never knew where I was safe. I still don’t know what safe is. How will I ever know? Life is awful and unsafe. No one can be trusted. And trying to be the good kid in school and at home doesn’t help either. Even if you study hard, clean your room and behave you are abused. Life is unfair and cruel

Feelings To Deal With 3) I can never do things right. I tried so

Feelings To Deal With 3) I can never do things right. I tried so hard but it seems I always fail. I put my all into things but they don’t work out. 4) She was never there for me but she was my mom after all. I had to raise myself. Even as a young child I cooked food and took care of my brothers and sisters while she was out on the streets doing her thing. I cleaned the house so no one could tell how bad things really were. I had to grow up before my time. I never got to be a kid. Why did mom get to do what she pleased but I had to be the grown up she wasn’t acting like a grown up herself? Now I missed out on so much and I’m angry and bitter.

Feelings To Deal With 5) My biological parents gave me up for adoption. Now

Feelings To Deal With 5) My biological parents gave me up for adoption. Now they want to meet me. They said they were young and did what they believed was the best chance for me in life. But growing up not knowing who you really are or why you are unwanted does not feel like the best chance to me. They expect me to just forgive and move on though I went through so much self doubt, rejection, abandonment. They were living their lives. They didn’t try. They didn’t make me a priority.

Feelings To Deal With 6) My bosses are always against me. I have been

Feelings To Deal With 6) My bosses are always against me. I have been on 20 jobs in the last year and they always find something to fire me for. They let other people get away with things but not me. I’m sure my next boss will just be the same. You can only get ahead in life if you are the best friend of the company owner. 7) Every day it is another surprise. All my friends are dying. I have one loss after another. Life gives me more than my share of issues. There is no end in sight. Other people get a break but not me. I guess some people just get lucky and some people never get anything.

Offenses and Children Mc. Adams III, C. R. , Dewell, J. A. , &

Offenses and Children Mc. Adams III, C. R. , Dewell, J. A. , & Holman, A. R. Children are egocentric Children react by becoming erratic and disorganized Possibility of long term adjustment problems including reactive attachment disorder Testing security and trust in all relationships Internalized rage- behavioral problems

Clinical Issues: Forgiveness With Children 1) Feelings Faces identifying feelings play therapies- drawing self-

Clinical Issues: Forgiveness With Children 1) Feelings Faces identifying feelings play therapies- drawing self- highlighting where angry, anxious fearful, etc. normalizing (work with collateral sources) expressing feelings in appropriate ways (e. g. “I Messages”) behavioral therapies 2) Feelings Box special place for kids to put feelings and concerns in and then discuss in therapy

Clinical Issues: Forgiveness With Children 3) Behavioral relaxation for physical tensions 4) Mutual Storytelling-

Clinical Issues: Forgiveness With Children 3) Behavioral relaxation for physical tensions 4) Mutual Storytelling- Help child to tell story with the characters and feelings but reframe as ongoing as still shaped by certain factors in child’s control, writing book of techniques learned in counseling 4) Sentence completion exercises re. worries, fears, wishes, etc. then use cognitive-behavioral to process through

WATCH WHERE YOU PUT YOUR BUTS: Unpleasant feelings BUT Positive self statement, Concerns Worries

WATCH WHERE YOU PUT YOUR BUTS: Unpleasant feelings BUT Positive self statement, Concerns Worries Irrational thoughts Questions/Doubts Strengths based comment

Clinical Christian & Pastoral Counseling Approaches Pierre Balthasar (2007): Father Images and God Images

Clinical Christian & Pastoral Counseling Approaches Pierre Balthasar (2007): Father Images and God Images Those with inadequate father/parental/guardian images struggled with the God aspect of forgiveness and believing that they could hand over control to someone who would be just, caring, and merciful. Highlights importance of context in therapy Incorporate family systems and healing of childhood wounds in therapy for these individuals (e. g. LSQ)

The Core Issue: Differentiation Hill, W. E. , Hasty, C. , And Moore, C.

The Core Issue: Differentiation Hill, W. E. , Hasty, C. , And Moore, C. J. (2011) Differentiation: The ability to connect with others without being emotionally too reactive or defensive Connection with self regulation (no extremes of accommodating or disconnecting- codependency) Interdependence Placing situations in context Not taking everything personally Ability to tolerate ambiguity Forgiveness as process Humility and brokenness with empathy for the offender Predictive of less anxiety and depression, less psychological problems

Four Types of Reactions to Offenses Dr. Janis Abrahms-Spring (2004) Page 10 Cheap Forgiveness

Four Types of Reactions to Offenses Dr. Janis Abrahms-Spring (2004) Page 10 Cheap Forgiveness Acceptance Refusing To Forgiveness

Cheap Forgiveness Individuals quickly do an action to behaviorally seem as if they have

Cheap Forgiveness Individuals quickly do an action to behaviorally seem as if they have absolved someone but does nothing to foster genuine interpersonal healing and improved relational dynamics Considered inauthentic, cover for hatred and contempt and other emotions not dealt with Premature No processing of emotions Common among those who want to keep relationship at any cost: (E. g. Overly compliant, conflict avoiders, codependent caretakers) Can lead to moral superiority May set hurt party up for health and emotional problems

Refusing To Forgive When you think forgiveness is not possible without reconciliation To send

Refusing To Forgive When you think forgiveness is not possible without reconciliation To send a clear signal that you won’t accept a violation Control and punishment based Fosters sense of impotence and invulnerability Common in people with all or nothing polarized thinking

Acceptance Feels all the emotions and does not bypass the emotional work of the

Acceptance Feels all the emotions and does not bypass the emotional work of the wounded party Promotes healthy self care- overcome revenge, ensuring your safety, restoring self worth, resisting obsession Especially when the offender is not an active part of healing process When reconciliation is not healthy or possible Able to empathize with the offender Looks at both parties parts in things

Genuine Forgiveness “An intimate dance between offender and the offended” Offender recognizes and verbalizes

Genuine Forgiveness “An intimate dance between offender and the offended” Offender recognizes and verbalizes need to be forgiven Each takes responsibility for his or her part To assess the injury together and reprocess Not just automatic but is work and is earned, conditional Offender express genuine remorse and specific plan to avoid behavior in the future Offender hears the depth of the pain caused and listens to the offended then works to make amends and get the relationship back on track Allows for detailed discussion of all parts of the pain without debating or cutting off or correcting the other’s experience/perception Involves behavioral requests and responses

Ingredients of a Good Apology 1)With responsibility for each persons’ part in the offense.

Ingredients of a Good Apology 1)With responsibility for each persons’ part in the offense. 2) Personal: (When ___ happened you felt ____. You needed _____ and in the future you hope for _______). 3) Specific behavior plan for the future- how we will handle triggers again. 4) Deep apology, not just surface level. 5) Genuineness in interactions 6) Direct apology without a bunch of other stuff

Examples of Bad Apologies Avoid: Sorry. I am sorry for whatever hurt you. What

Examples of Bad Apologies Avoid: Sorry. I am sorry for whatever hurt you. What else do you want now? I am just like this. This is how I am but I am sorry. This is my personality, culture, etc. It is not likely to change. I’ll say I’m sorry if it will help but I don’t know why. I cannot believe you need me to apologize for that. I am sorry for ___ BUT ….

Culture and Forgiveness Collectivist Mindset and Forgiveness Hook, J. N. , Worthington Jr. ,

Culture and Forgiveness Collectivist Mindset and Forgiveness Hook, J. N. , Worthington Jr. , E. L. , Utsey, S. O. , Davis, D. E. , & Burnette, J. L. (April 2012). Fosters forgiveness more than those with an individualized mindset Goals: Interpersonal harmony, reconciliation instead of personal feelings of peace and happiness Collectivism a social pattern consisting of closely linked individuals who (a) see themselves as connected with the collective in which they are members; (b) are motivated primarily by the social norms and duties of their collective; (c) place more importance on collective goals than on their own personal goals; and (d) emphasize their connectedness to other members of the collective.

Culture and Forgiveness Individualism a social pattern consisting of loosely linked individuals who (a)

Culture and Forgiveness Individualism a social pattern consisting of loosely linked individuals who (a) see themselves as relatively independent from the collective in which they are members; (b) are motivated primarily by their own preferences, needs, rights, or contracts they have made with others; (c) place more importance on personal than collective goals; and (d) tend to make decisions on whether to associate with others on an analysis of costs and benefits to the individual.

Inspiring Hope Cutcliffe, J. R. . (2006) Through connecting in therapeutic context Through helping

Inspiring Hope Cutcliffe, J. R. . (2006) Through connecting in therapeutic context Through helping process emotions with the client until there is a release Throughout assisting the client in coming up with an alternative ending

Hope Versus Want and Desire Want/Desire May or may not happen May or may

Hope Versus Want and Desire Want/Desire May or may not happen May or may not be manageable and achievable May or may not have the skills to attain the goal Hope Able to be attained by the hopeful person Skill base is there or can be easily gotten Possible and realistic to achieve Able to access resources

Hopeful Elements Cutcliffe, J. R. . (2006) Connectedness- self and others Uplifting memories Cognitive

Hopeful Elements Cutcliffe, J. R. . (2006) Connectedness- self and others Uplifting memories Cognitive strategies Spiritual or philosophical beliefs which support hope Refocusing of time and energy Purposeful activities Ability to tolerate ebb and flow Atmosphere of acceptance

Using Narrative Approaches To Help People Process Pain Respect the client’s stories and respect

Using Narrative Approaches To Help People Process Pain Respect the client’s stories and respect their conclusions (What are the stories I tell myself? What repels me and what attracts me? ) The inevitability of pain is what it takes to bring genuine healing. No testimony without a test or pain. No victory without vulnerability. There is no straight line of easy means to perfection. Life proves us. Life is a battle to avoid dualistic extremes of thinking and behavior. Assisting clients in telling beginning, middle, end

Narrative Approaches to Counseling (Pembroke, 2005) Reconceptualizing problem-bound stories Helping the client re-assemble unique

Narrative Approaches to Counseling (Pembroke, 2005) Reconceptualizing problem-bound stories Helping the client re-assemble unique alternative outcomes Helping the client make the new alternative endings and strong and as possible as the problem bound ones Partnership in the story between the client, the counselor, and the support system (affirmation strength, strengthening)

Narrative Interventions Forgiveness (Landry, D. F. , Rachal, K. C, Rachal, W. S. ,

Narrative Interventions Forgiveness (Landry, D. F. , Rachal, K. C, Rachal, W. S. , & Rosenthal, G. T. - 2005) n Translating thoughts into narrative makes emotional processing and forgiveness more manageable n Look at the frequency of words- increase the frequency of positive and neutral words (attribution retraining) n Helps a great deal with rumination aspects of both self forgiveness and other forgiveness n The longer the intervention the larger the effects n Gains maintained over time n Strengths- when therapist directed and with perspective taking can promote empathy

Power Versus Love Power Love Me first How may I serve you? Manipulation Builds

Power Versus Love Power Love Me first How may I serve you? Manipulation Builds up Exhausts others Refreshes others Rarely genuinely happy Understands happiness Rewarded-idolizing money Money- a means to an end

Power Versus Love Power Love Steps on others A bridge to another’s betterment Wounds

Power Versus Love Power Love Steps on others A bridge to another’s betterment Wounds Binds up wounds Joyless Joy Does not understand love Does not understand power and is not impressed Forgiveness= weakness Forgiveness=strength

The Age of the Disordered Will Problem: Willing what cannot be willed Trying to

The Age of the Disordered Will Problem: Willing what cannot be willed Trying to control what is not ours to control Trying to coerce what cannot be forced. Craving what is not life giving

Hardiness helps heal pain Ability to see things in context Realization that they did

Hardiness helps heal pain Ability to see things in context Realization that they did not cause the abuse Produces higher resilience A transformational coping style Based on internal wholeness Choices to distance from unhealthy relationships

Healing after Shaming Someone “ I had no idea there was a difference between

Healing after Shaming Someone “ I had no idea there was a difference between shame and guilt. I think I shamed you and your entire life. I meant to use guilt. I never thought you weren’t good enough. I did not like your choices. But I shamed you. I can’t take that back, but I need you to know that you’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m so proud to be your ______. ”

Compassion Looks at our shared humanity None of us is perfect We’ve all struggled

Compassion Looks at our shared humanity None of us is perfect We’ve all struggled

Compassionate Mind Therapy Depression- the inner critic accepts negative targeting Can be fought an

Compassionate Mind Therapy Depression- the inner critic accepts negative targeting Can be fought an counteracted Visualize the confident, overcoming self Strong, unbeatable Don’t have to accept the inner critic Think of evidence opposing the inner critic You have permission and courage to fight back If there’s not evidence for negative criticism you can choose what to accept You can decide how you will allow yourself to be treated

Meaning Making Develop short and long term goals Suffering helps redefine self Growth producing

Meaning Making Develop short and long term goals Suffering helps redefine self Growth producing and enhancing Thriving as a person Appreciating beauty Finds light in the darkness Finds meaning in faith

Moving From Shame to Guilt Stay behavioral in goals Teach boundaries which produce stability

Moving From Shame to Guilt Stay behavioral in goals Teach boundaries which produce stability Responsibility/amends rather than blame Moving toward healthy support rather than withdrawal and avoidance

Patience They don’t give up during the waiting time. Waiting time- things still happening.

Patience They don’t give up during the waiting time. Waiting time- things still happening. Able to sit still when necessary and act when necessary

Optimism A healthy nonpersonal way of explaining and attributing things Things are temporary, specific

Optimism A healthy nonpersonal way of explaining and attributing things Things are temporary, specific and external- leads to resilience Future orientation Confidence in midst of challenges Able to perceive the end rather than get stuck in the process Ignore unproductive pain and adapt

Pace Intelligence associated with speed at which things are done Also knowledge of when

Pace Intelligence associated with speed at which things are done Also knowledge of when to slow things down

Connections/Social Supports Not simply number of supports but quality of supports Promoting restorative narrative

Connections/Social Supports Not simply number of supports but quality of supports Promoting restorative narrative

Openness To Change Willing to learn new things Assess things each time to see

Openness To Change Willing to learn new things Assess things each time to see what has gone well and what needs to be modified Look at present, sort term and long term simultaneously

Engagement and Interest Likes trying new things Does not remain stuck in old things

Engagement and Interest Likes trying new things Does not remain stuck in old things that may or may not work Potential to grow

Strengths Orientation/Solution Focus: How did you manage in spite of______ ? 3 good things-

Strengths Orientation/Solution Focus: How did you manage in spite of______ ? 3 good things- finding exceptions Discovering strengths- personality characteristics that help people endure Building on strengths you already have Focusing on positive memories

Who Bounces Back? (Seligman, M, 2011) Setbacks are temporary, local, and changeable Those who

Who Bounces Back? (Seligman, M, 2011) Setbacks are temporary, local, and changeable Those who keep persisting at tasks Those with new and different ideas Those who look beyond the initial opposition Those who mentally separate the heat of the moment and its stresses from life’s decisions. Those who apply cognitive behavioral strategies to identify toxic beliefs and behaviors and change them

Can Hope Be Learned? Martin Seligman’s idea of learned optimism or learned helplessness Learned

Can Hope Be Learned? Martin Seligman’s idea of learned optimism or learned helplessness Learned optimism- bad events are only temporary and situational rather than permanent and long term Albert Bandura’s idea of self efficacy- people can take on individual responsibility for their reactions, people’s beliefs govern their lives (e. g perseverence in the face of difficulty)

Wholehearted Living (B, Brene, 2012, p. 9) Cultivating authenticity- letting go of what people

Wholehearted Living (B, Brene, 2012, p. 9) Cultivating authenticity- letting go of what people think Cultivating self compassion- letting go of perfectionism Cultivating a resilient spirit: letting go of numbing and powerlessness Cultivating gratitude and joy: letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark Cultivating intuition and trusting faith: letting go of the need for certainty Cultivating creativity: letting go of comparison Cultivating play and rest: letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol ad productivity as self worth Cultivating calm and stillness: letting go of anxiety as s lifestyle Cultivating meaningful work: letting go of self doubt and supposed to Cultivating laughter, song, and dance: letting go of being cool and always in control

Wholehearted Living Simultaneously being imperfect and failing yet still worthy of love. Seeing vulnerability

Wholehearted Living Simultaneously being imperfect and failing yet still worthy of love. Seeing vulnerability as something necessary and desirable to create genuine intimacy in relationships Courage to risk failure and heartbreak Willing to feel authentically what I feel on the hear and now.

Vulnerability Learning to be comfortable with not being ____ enough Learning to deal with

Vulnerability Learning to be comfortable with not being ____ enough Learning to deal with fear of the unknown Defined as: “We wake up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day I die or betray us tomorrow- that’s vulnerability. Love is uncertain. It’s incredibly risky. And loving someone leaves u emotionally exposed. Yes- it’s scary and yes, we’re open to being hurt but can you imagine your life without being loving or being loved? ” (Brown, B. , 2012, p. 34) Definition #2: capable of being wounded, open to attack or damage” (Brown, B. , 2012, p. 39)

Becoming Vulnerable- a good thing “Many of us prefer practices that will not causes

Becoming Vulnerable- a good thing “Many of us prefer practices that will not causes discomfort, yet at the same time we want to be healed…But (it) doesn’t work that way. A warrior accepts that we can never know what will happen to us next. We can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for the security and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe. But the truth is that we can never avoid uncertainty. This not knowing is part of the adventure, and it’s also what makes us afraid. This ‘I’ who wants something to hold on to- can finally learn to grow up. ” (Chondron, P. , 2002)

Exercise: Write a pledge to self.

Exercise: Write a pledge to self.

Bibliography Abrahms-Spring, J. (2004). How can I forgive you? New York, New York: Harper

Bibliography Abrahms-Spring, J. (2004). How can I forgive you? New York, New York: Harper Collins Publishers. Altmaier, E. M. (January 2011). Best practices in counseling grief and loss: Finding benefit from trauma. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 33 (1), 33. Aponte, H. J. (1998). Love, the spiritual well being of forgiveness: An example of spirituality in therapy. Journal of Family Therapy, 20, 37 -58. Balkin, R. S. , Freeman, S. I. , & Lyman, S. R. (January 2009). Forgiveness, reconciliation, and mechila: Integrating the Jewish concept of forgiveness into clinical practice. Counseling and Values, 53, 153. Balthazar, P. M. (2007). How anger toward absentee fathers may make it difficult to call God “Father”. Pastoral Psychology, 55, 543 -549.

Bibliography Bartels, J. M. , & Ryan, J. J. Fear of failure and achievement

Bibliography Bartels, J. M. , & Ryan, J. J. Fear of failure and achievement goals: A canonical analysis. Journal of Instructional Psychology, 40(2), 42 -49. Baskin, T. W. , & Enright, R. D. (Winter 2004). Intervention studies on forgiveness: A meta-analysis. Journal of Counseling & Development, , 82, 79 -90. Bassett, R. L. , Bassett, K. M. , Lloyd, M. W. , & Johnson, J. L. (2006). Seeking forgiveness: Considering the role of moral emotions. Journal of Psychology & Theology, 34(2), 11 -124. Beattie, M. (2006). The grief club. Center City, Minnesota: Hazelden. Beaumont, E. , Galpin, A. , & Jenkins, P. ______. kinder to myself: A prospective comparative study, exploring post-trauma therapy, outcoming measures for two groups of clients receiving either Cognitive. Behavioral Therapy or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Compassionate Mind Training. Beck, J. R. (2006). Collaboration between Biblical studies and counseling: Five crucial questions. Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 25(2), 101 -110. Beckenbach, J. , Patrick, S. , & Sells, J. (2010). Relationship conflict and restoration model: A preliminary exploration of concepts and therapeutic utility. Contemporary Family Therapy, 32, 290– 301.

Bibliography Beckenbach, J. , Patrick, S. , & Sells, J. (2010). Relationship conflict and

Bibliography Beckenbach, J. , Patrick, S. , & Sells, J. (2010). Relationship conflict and restoration model: A preliminary exploration of concepts and therapeutic utility. Contemporary Family Therapy, 32, 290– 301. Blocher, W. G. , Wade, N. G. (January 2010). Sustained effectiveness of two brief group interventions: Comparing an explicit forgiveness promoting treatment with a process-oriented treatment. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 32(1), 58 -74. Berecz, J. M (2001). All that glitters is not gold: Bad forgiveness in counseling and preaching. Pastoral Psychology, 253 -275. Blocher, W. G. , & Wade, N, G. (January 2010). Sustained effectiveness of two brief group interventions: Comparing an explicit forgiveness-promoting treatment with a process-oriented treatment. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 32(1), 58– 74 Bloomberg, C. (2006). On building and breaking barriers: Forgiveness, salvation, and Christian counseling with special reference to Matthew 18: 15 -35. Journal of Psychology and Counseling, 25(2), 137 -153.

Bibliography Black, R. S. A. , Curran, D. , & Dyer, K. F. W.

Bibliography Black, R. S. A. , Curran, D. , & Dyer, K. F. W. (2013). The impact of shame on therapeutic alliance and intimate relationships. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69 (6), 646 -654. Blanton, P. G. (2005). Narrative family therapy and spiritual direction: Do they fit? Journal of Psychology & Christianity, 24(1), 68 -79. Bootzin, R. R. (1997). Examining theory and clinical utility of writing about emotional experiences. Psychological Science, 8, 167 -170. Brown, B. (2007). I thought it was just me (but it isn’t). Avery Publishing: New York, NY. Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: how the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we lie, love parent and lead. Avery Publishing: New York, NY. Brown, B. (2015). Rising strong: The reckoning. The rumble. The revolution. Speigel & Grau: New York NY. Candea, D. M. & Szentagotai, A. (March 2013). Shame and psychopathology: from research to clinical practice. Journal of Cognitive and Behavioral Psychotherapies, 13(1), 101 -113. Carlson, R. (1997). Don’t sweat the small stuff… and it’s all small stuff. Hachette Books: New York, NY. Ruiz, D. M. (1997). The four agreements. Amber Lane Publishing: San Rafael, CA.

Bibliography Cashwell, S. S. , Young, J. S. , Cashwell, T. H. , &

Bibliography Cashwell, S. S. , Young, J. S. , Cashwell, T. H. , & Belsire, C. (2001). The inclusion of spiritual process in counseling and perceived counselor effectiveness. Counseling and Values, 45, 145 -153. Charles , S. (November 2011). The power of forgiveness. Ebony, 65. Cheong, R. K. & Di. Blasio, F. A. (2007). Christ-like love and forgiveness: A Biblical foundation for counseling practice. Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 26(1), 14 -25. Chodron, P. (2002). The places that scare you: A guide to fearlessness in difficult times. Shambhala Publications: Boulder, CO. Ciarrochi, J. W. , & Brelsford, G. M. (October 2009). Spirituality, religion, and substances coping as regulators of emotions and meaning making: Different effects on pain and joy. Journal of Addictions & Offender Counseling, 30, 4 -35. Cioni, P. F. (September 2007). Forgiveness, cognitive restructuring and object transformation. Journal of Religion and Health, 46 (3), 385 -497. Cleary, M. & Horsfall, J. (2014). Forgiving, but not necessarily forgetting. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 35, 562 -564.

Bibliography Cohen-Filipe, K. , & Bentley, K. J. (2015). From every direction: Guilt, shame,

Bibliography Cohen-Filipe, K. , & Bentley, K. J. (2015). From every direction: Guilt, shame, and blame among parents of adolescents with co-occurring challenges. Child and Adolescent Social Work Journal, 32, 443 -454. Cooney, A. , Allan, M. M. , Mc. Killan, D. , Drake, D. G. (2011). The forgiveness process in primary and secondary victims of violent and sexual offenses. Austrailian Journal of Psychology, 63, 107 -118. Cornish, M. A. & Wade, N. G. (January 2015). A therapeutic model of self-forgiveness with intervention strategies for counselors. Journal of Counseling and Development, 93, 96 -104. Cosgrove, L. , & Konstam, V. (January 2008). Forgiveness and forgetting: Clinical implications for mental health counselors. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 30 (1), 1– 13. Curtis, R. C. & Glass, J. S. (October 2002). Spirituality and teaching class: A teaching model. Counseling and Values, 47, 3 -12. Cutcliffe, J. R. (2006). The principles and processes of inspiring hope in bereavement counselling: A modified grounded theory study – part one. Journal of Psychiatric and Mental Health Nursing, 13, 598– 603.

Bibliography Daiis, D. E. , Hook, J, N. , Worthington, E. L. Relational spirituality

Bibliography Daiis, D. E. , Hook, J, N. , Worthington, E. L. Relational spirituality and forgiveness: The roles of attachment to God, religious coping, and mewing he transgression as a desecration. Psychology and Christianity, , 27(4), 293 -301. De. Hooge, I. E. , Zeelenberg, M. , & Bruegelmans, S. M. (201 o). Restore and protect motivations following shame. Cognition and Emotion, 24(3), 111 -127. De. Long, L. B. & Kahn, J. H. (2014). Shameful secrets and shame-prone dispositions: How outcome expectations mediate the relation between shame and disclosure. Counselling Psychology Quarterly, 27(3), 290 -307. De. Rubeis, R. J. , Tang, T. Z. , & Beck, A. T. (2002). Cognitive therapy. In K. S. Dobson (ed. ). Handbook of cognitive behavioral therapies. (pp. 349 -392). New York: The Guilford Press. Dean, J. B. , Statton, S. P. , Nonneman, A. , J. , Worthington, Jr. , E. L. , & Bode, R. A. (2008). Forgiveness Interventions as spiritual development strategies: Comparing forgiveness workshop trained expressive writing about forgiveness. Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 27(4), . No. 4. 347 -357 Delgado, M. R. ( May 22, 2008). Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on oxytocin. Neuron, 58, 470 -471. Denton, R. T. & Martin, M. W. (1998). Defining forgiveness: An empirical exploration of process and role. American Journal of Family Therapy, 26, 281 -292.

Bibliography Dillen. , A. (Feb 2012). The resilience of children and spirituality: A practical

Bibliography Dillen. , A. (Feb 2012). The resilience of children and spirituality: A practical theological refection. International Journal of Children’s Spirituality, 17(1), 61 -75. Doerhing, C. (2014). Emotions and change in spiritual care. Pastoral Psychology, 63, 583 -596. Duhachek, A. Agrawal, N. , & Han, D. (December 2012). Guilt versus shame: Coping, fluency, and framing in the effectiveness of responsible drinking messages. Journal of Marketing Research, 928 -941. Duncan, C. , & Cacciatore, J. (2015). A systematic review of the peer-reviewed literature on self- blame, guilt, and shame. OMEGA Journal of Death and Dying, 7(4), 312 -342. Elias, M. (January 2011). The shame game: Dispelling stigma allows young people to get the mental health support they need. www. eddigest. com, 35.

Bibliography Elliott, B. A. (2011). Forgiveness therapy: A clinical intervention for chronic disease. Journal

Bibliography Elliott, B. A. (2011). Forgiveness therapy: A clinical intervention for chronic disease. Journal of Religious Health, 50, 240 -247. Enright, R. (2005). Eight keys to forgiveness. W. W. Norton and Company: New York, NY. Exline, J. J. , Prince-Paul, M. , Root, R. L. , Peereboom, K. S. , & Worthington, E. L. (2012). Forgiveness: depressive symptoms and communication at the end of life: A study with family members of hospice patients. Journal of Pallative Medicine, 15(10), 1113 -1119. Feder, E. K. Tilting the ethical lens: Shame, disgust, and body in question. Feinauer, L. , Hilton, G. , Callahan, E. H. (2013). Hardiness as a moderator of shame associated with childhood sexual abuse. Feiring, C. , Cleland, C. M. , & Simon, V. A. (2010). Abuse-specific self schemas and self functioning: A prospective study of sexually abused youth. Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology, 39(1), 35 -50. Ferch, S. R. (Summer 1998). Intentional forgiving as a counseling intervention. Journal of Counseling & Development, 76, 261 -270. Ferroni-Bast, D. , Linares, I. M. P. , Garres, C. , Kovar, R. , & Barnes-Holmes, D. (2016). The implicit relational assessment procedure (IRAP) as a measure of self-forgiveness. The impact of a training history in clinical behavior analysis. Psychological Record, 66, 177 -190. Fitzgibbons, R, Enright, R, & O’Brien, T. F. (July 2004). Learning to forgive. American School Board Journal, 24 -26. Frazier, R. J. (2000) The subtle violations: Abuse and the projection of shame. Pastoral Psychology, 48(4), 315 -336. Freedman, S. (1998). Forgiveness and reconciliation: The importance of understanding how they differ. Counseling and Values, 42, 200216.

Gale, C. , Gilbert, P. , Read, N. , Goss, K. (2014). An evaluation

Gale, C. , Gilbert, P. , Read, N. , Goss, K. (2014). An evaluation of the impact of introducing compassion focused therapy to a standard treatment programme for people with eating disorder. Clinical Psychology ad Psychotherapy, 21, 1 -12. Gao, J. , Wang, A. , Qian, M. (2010). Differentiating shame and guilt from a relational perspective and cross-cultural study. Social Behavior and Personality, 38(1), 1401 -1408. Gassin, E. A. , Lengel, G. J. (2014). Let me hear of your mercy in the mourning: Forgiveness, grief, and community bonds. Death s. Studies, 38, 65 -475. Gausel, N. & Brown, R. (2012). Shame and guilt- do they really differ in the focus of evaluation? Wanting to change the self and behaviorin response to ingroup immorality. The Journal of Social Psychology, 152(5), 547 -567. Gilbert, P. (2014). The origins and nature of compassion focused therapy. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 53, 6 -41. (2010). Self harm in a mixed clinical population: The roles of self criticism, shame, and social rank. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 49, 563 -576. Gilbert, P. , & Procter, S. (2006). Compassionate mind training for people with high shame and self criticism: Overview and pilot study of a group therapy approach. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, 13, 351 -329. Goss, K. & Allan, S. (2009). Shame, pride, and eating disorders. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, . Goss, K. & Allan, S. (2014). The developmental and application of compassion-focused treatment for eating disorders. (CFT-E). British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 53, 62 -77.

Graff, G. G. (2008). Shame in supervision. Issues in Analytic Psychology, 30(1), 79 -84.

Graff, G. G. (2008). Shame in supervision. Issues in Analytic Psychology, 30(1), 79 -84. Gray, R. (Winter 2010). Shame, labeling, and stigma: challenges to counseling clients in alcohol and other drug settings. Contemporary Drug Problems, 37, 685 -703. Griffin, B. J. , Lavelock, C. R. , Worthington, E. L. (2014). On earth as it is in heaven: Healing through forgiveness. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 42(3), 252 -259. Grollman, E. A. (1995). Bereaved children and teens: A support guide for parents and professionals. Boston, Massachusetts: Beacon Press. Griffin, B. J. , Lavelock, C. R. , Worthington, E. L. (2014). On earth as it is in heaven: Healing through forgiveness. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 42(3), 252 -259. Griffith, B. A. , & Griggs, J. C. (October 2001). Religious identity status as a model to understand, assess, and interact with client spirituality. Counseling & Values, 46, 14 -25. Grollman, E. A. (1995). Bereaved children and teens: A support guide for parents and professionals. Boston, Massachusetts: Beacon Press. Guiterrez, D. , & Hagedorn, W. B. (January 2013). The toxicity of shame applications for acceptance and commitment therapy. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 35(1), 43 -59.

Bibliography Heen, S. (May 2004). The road to forgiveness. In Real Simple, 5 (4),

Bibliography Heen, S. (May 2004). The road to forgiveness. In Real Simple, 5 (4), 263 -267. Hill, W. E. , Hasty, C. , And Moore, C. J. ( 2011 ). Differentiation of self and the process of forgiveness: A Clinical perspective for couple and family therapy. The Australian and New Zealand Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 32(1), 43 -57. Hook, J. P. & Hook, J. N. (2010). The healing cycle: A Christian model for group therapy. Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 29(4), 308 -316. Hook, J. N. , Worthington Jr. , E. L. , Utsey, S. O. , Davis, D. E. , & Burnette, J. L. (April 2012). Collectivistic self-construal and forgiveness. Counseling and Values, 57, 109. Jennings, D. J. , Worthington, E. L. , Van. Tongeren, D. R. , Hoot, J. , Davis, D. E. , Gartner, A. L. , Greer, C. L. , & Mosher, D. K. (2016). The transgressors response to denied forgiveness. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 44(1), 16 -27. Johnstone, B. , Yoon, D. P. , Cohen, D. , Schoop, L. H. , Mc. Cormack, G. , & Campbell, J. , & Smith, M. (2012). Relationships among spirituality, religious practices, personality factors, and health for five different faith traditions. Journal of Religious Health, 51, 1017 -1041.

Bibliography Kanz, J. (2000). How do people conceptualize and use forgiveness? In Journal of

Bibliography Kanz, J. (2000). How do people conceptualize and use forgiveness? In Journal of Counseling and Values, 174 (15). Karen, R. (2001). The forgiving self: The road from resentment to connection. New York, New York: Doubleday. Kelly, A. . , Zuroff, D. C. , 7 Shapira, L. B. (2009). Soothing oneself and resisting self-attacks: The treatment of two interpersonal deficits in depression vulnerability. Cognitive Therapy Research, 33, 301 -313. Klatt, J. S. , & Enright, R. D. (October 2011). Initial validation of the unfolding forgiveness process in a natural environment. Counseling and Values, 56, 25. Klein, C. (1995). How to forgive when you can’t forget: Healing our personal relationships. New York, New York: Berkley Publishing. Klein, K. Stress, expressive writing, and working memory. In S. J. Leopre & J. M. Smyth (eds. ) The Writing Cure: How expressive writing promotes health and well being (pp. 135 -156). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.

Bibliography Konstram, V. , Chernoff, M, & Deveney, S. (October 2001). Toward forgiveness: The

Bibliography Konstram, V. , Chernoff, M, & Deveney, S. (October 2001). Toward forgiveness: The role of shame, guilt, anger and empathy. Counseling and Values, 46, 26 -39. Konstram, V. , Holmes, W. & Levine, B. (April 2003). Empathy, selfism, and coping and elements of the psychology of forgiveness: A preliminary study. In Counseling and Values, Vol. 47, 172 -183. Konstram, V, Marx, F, Schurer, J. , Harrington, A. , Lombardo, N. E. , & Deveney, S. (July 2000). Forgiving: What mental health counselors are telling us. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 22(3), 263 -267. Larsen, D. , Edey, W. , Lemay, L. (December 2007). Understanding the role of hope in counselling: Exploring the intentional uses of hope. Counselling Psychology Quarterly, 20(4), 401– 416. Laundry, D. , Rachal, K. C. , Rachal, W. S. , & Rosmenthal, G. T. (2005). Expressive disclosure following an interpersonal conflict: Can merely writing about an interpersonal offense motivate forgiveness? Counseling and Clinical Psychology Journal, 2 (1), 2 -14.

Bibliography Lawler-Row, K. A. , Younger, J. W. , Piferi, R. L. , &

Bibliography Lawler-Row, K. A. , Younger, J. W. , Piferi, R. L. , & Jones, W. H. The role of adult attachment style in forgiveness following an interpersonal offense. Journal of Counseling & Development, 84, 493 -502. Lowenstein, L. (2006). Creative interventions for bereaved children. Toronto, Canada: Champion Press. Lutjen, L. J. , Silton, N. K. , & Flannelly, K. J. (2012). Religion, forgiveness, hostility, and health: A structural equation analysis. Journal of Religious Health, 51, 468 -478. Lyons, G. C. B. , Deane, F. P. , Caputi, P. , & Kelly, P. J. (October 2011). Spirituality and the treatment of substance use disorders: An exploration of forgiveness, resentment, and purpose in life. Addiction research and theory, 19(5), 459 -469.

Bibliography Mc. Adams III, C. R. , Dewell, J. A. , & Holman, A.

Bibliography Mc. Adams III, C. R. , Dewell, J. A. , & Holman, A. R. Children and chronic sorrow: Reconceptualizing the emotional impact of parental rejection and its treatment. Journal of Humanistic Counseling, 50, 27. Mc. Comas, M. D. (2003). Sanctuary: A shelter for your soul. Kearney, NE: Morris Publishing. Mc. Cullough, M. E. , Pargament, K. I. , Thoresen, C. E. (Eds. ) (2000). Forgiveness: Theory, research, and practice. New York: Guilford Press. Mc. Cullough, M. E. , Worthington, E. L. , Jr. (1997). Interpersonal forgiving in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73, 321 -336. Mc. Cullough, M. E. The real roots of vengeance and forgiveness. The Soul/Body Connection, 18 -22. Messay, B. , Dixon, L. T. , & Rye, M. S. (March 2012). The relationship between Quest religious orientation, forgiveness, and mental health. Mental Health, Religion, and Culture, 15(3), 315 -333. Moorhead, H. J. , Gill, C. , Minton, C. A. B. , & Myers, J. E. (April 2012). Forgive and forget? Forgiveness, personality, and wellness among counselors-in-training. Counseling and Values, 57, 81. Moriarity, G. (2006). Pastoral care of depression. New York, New York: The Hayworth Pastoral Press. Murray, R. J. (April 2002). The therapeutic use of forgiveness in healing intergenerational pain. Counseling and Values, 46, 188 -198.

Bibliography Navidian, A. , & Bahari, F. (2014). The impact of mixed hope and

Bibliography Navidian, A. , & Bahari, F. (2014). The impact of mixed hope and forgiveness-focused marital counselling on interpersonal cognitive distortions of couples filling for divorce. Journal of Psychiatric and Mental Health Nursing, 21, 658 -666. Orr, R. R. , Sprague, A. M. , Goertzen, L. R. , Cornock, B. L. , Taylor, D. P. (Winter 2005). Forgiveness in a counseling context: Definition and process. Guidance and Counseling, 20(2), 71 -77. Park, C. L. & Blumberg, C. J. (2002). Disclosing trauma through writing: testing the meaning-making hypothesis. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 26, 597 -616. Pennebaker, J. W. (1997). Writing about emotional experiences as a therapeutic process. Psychological Science, 8, 162 -166.

Bibliography Reid, R. & Wooley, S. R. (2006). Using emotionally-focused therapy for couples to

Bibliography Reid, R. & Wooley, S. R. (2006). Using emotionally-focused therapy for couples to resolve attachment ruptures created by hypersexual behavior. Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 43, 219 -239. Ripley, J, . S. , Worthington, E. L. (Fall 2002). Hope-Focused and forgiveness-based group interventions to promote marital enrichment. Journal of Counseling and Development, 80 - 452 -463. Roseth, C. J. , Pellegrini, A. D. , Dupuis, D. N. , Bohn, C. M. , Hickey, M. C. , Hilk, C. L. , & Peshkam, A. (2011). Preschoolers’ bistrategic resource control, reconciliation, and peer regard. Social Development, 20, 1 on. Sandage, S. J. , & Worthington, Jr, E. , L. ( January 2010). Comparison of two group interventions to promote forgiveness: Empathy as a mediator of change. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, (1), 35– 57. Sansone, R. A. , Kelley, A. R. , & Forbis, J. S. (2014). The status of forgiveness among those bullied in childhood. Mental Health, Religion, and Culture, 17(4), 339 -344. Schwirzen, J. J. The sevee mistakes that can sabotage your best intentions. www. vibrantlife. com 16 -19. Strang, S. , Utikal, V. , Fischbacher, U. , Weber, B. , & Falk, A. (February 2014). Neural correlates of receiving an apology ad active forgiveness: An f. MRI study. Open Access, 9(2), 1 -7.

Bibliography Strelan, P. , Acton, C. , & Patrick, K. (April 2009). Disappointment with

Bibliography Strelan, P. , Acton, C. , & Patrick, K. (April 2009). Disappointment with God and well-being: The mediating influence of relationship quality and dispositional forgiveness. Counseling and Values, 53. Strelan, P. & Wojtysiak, N. (January 2009). Strategies for coping with interpersonal hurt: Preliminary evidence for the relationship between coping and forgiveness. Counseling and Values, 53. Turnage, B. F, Jacinto, G. A. , & Irven, J. (Spring 2003). Reality therapy, violence survivors, and self forgiveness. International Journal of Reality Therapy, 23(2), 24 -27. Uysal, R. , & Satici, S. A. (2014). The mediating and moderating role of subjective happiness in the relationship between vengeance and forgiveness. Educational Sciences: Theory and Practice: 14(6), 097 -2105. Vitz, P. . , & Meade, J. M. (2011). Self-forgiveness in psychology and psychotherapy: A critique. Journal of Religious Health, 50, 248 -263.

Bibliography Wade, N. G. (January 2010). Introduction to the special issue on forgiveness in

Bibliography Wade, N. G. (January 2010). Introduction to the special issue on forgiveness in therapy. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 32(1), 1 -4. Wade, N. G. (January 2010). Introduction to the special issue on forgiveness in therapy. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 32(1), 1– 4. Wade, N. G. & Worthington, E. L. (Summer 2003). Overcoming interpersonal offenses: Is forgiveness the only way to deal with unforgiveness? Journal of Counseling and Development, 81, 343 -353. West, W. (2001). Issues relating to the use of forgiveness in counseling and psychotherapy. British Journal of Guidance & Counselling, 29(4), 415 -423. Williamson, I. , & Gonzales, M. H. (2007). The subjective experience of forgiveness: Positive constrals of the forgiveness experience. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 26 (4), 407– 446.

Bibliography Worthington, E. L. (1999). Hope-focused marriage counseling: A guide to brief therapy. Downer’s

Bibliography Worthington, E. L. (1999). Hope-focused marriage counseling: A guide to brief therapy. Downer’s Grove, Illinois: Intervarsity Press. Worthington, E. L. , Jr. (1998 a). An empathy-humility-commitment model of forgiveness applied within family dyads. Journal of Family Therapy, 20, 59 -76. Worthington, E. L. , Jr. (1998 b). The pyramid model of forgiveness: Some interdisciplinary speculations about unforgiveness and the promotion of forgiveness. In E. L. Worthington, Jr. (Ed. ) Dimensions of forgiveness: Psychological Research and Theological Perspectives. (pp. 107 -137). Philadelphia: The Templeton Foundation Press.