Normal Kids Dealing Constructively with Everyday Behaviors Jude

Normal Kids: Dealing Constructively with Everyday Behaviors Jude Currier, LICSW Amherst, NH (603) 595 -9355 Jude@parentcoach. org Parentcoach. org

Normal Kids: What is that? • Normal vs. Pathological (misdiagnosis) • Normal and Unacceptable (parenting) • Control is the Goal © Parent. Coach Family Counseling, LLC, 2019

Normal Kids: Important Distinctions • Choice vs. Capacity • Needs vs. Wants • Harm vs. Difficulty • Behavior before Content © Parent. Coach Family Counseling, LLC, 2019

Normal Kids: Important Truths • All kids are good kids with varying degrees of bad behavior • Kids Lie • Alarm clocks work • Kids can be without their phones (Harm vs. Difficulty) • The Crowd is not the problem. • Your child could be the problem ( bully, bad influence, etc) • Lots of kids smoke pot; don’t assume yours wont © Parent. Coach Family Counseling, LLC, 2019

Normal Kids: Where do we go wrong? • • • Talking too much Over Engagement Inconsistency Responding Emotionally Not accounting for Secondary Gain © Parent. Coach Family Counseling, LLC, 2019

Normal Kids: Where do we go wrong? • We respond as if it’s pathology when it likely is not • When pathology is present, we decrease / eliminate expectations © Parent. Coach Family Counseling, LLC, 2019

Normal Kids vs. “Kids These Days. ” • We spent the last couple of generations over correcting • Talking vs. Leading (you can blame therapists for that) • Mental Health System over pathologizes children (You can blame therapists for that too). © Parent. Coach Family Counseling, LLC, 2019

Normal Kids vs. “Kids These Days. ” • When legitimate diagnosis is present, parents tend to minimize expectations • Accountability increases resilience © Parent. Coach Family Counseling, LLC, 2019

Normal Kids: Therapy (or not…. ) • Narrow Application • Speaks to their Weaknesses • Externalizing • Difficulty Internalizing Change • Does not account for secondary gain © Parent. Coach Family Counseling, LLC, 2019

Normal Kids: Solutions • Have a Plan • Decrease / eliminate emotional parenting • It’s not personal • Ok, it is personal, but we can’t take it personally. © Parent. Coach Family Counseling, LLC, 2019

Normal Kids: Solutions STOP TALKING!! © Parent. Coach Family Counseling, LLC, 2019

Normal Kids: Choice-Consequence Parenting • Three Assumptions 1. There’s probably nothing wrong with you child 2. Most Children will behave in a way that is consistent with their best interests AS DEFINED BY THEM (not by us) 3. The majority of children have the capacity to manage their own behavior, they just need a reason to use that capacity. © Parent. Coach Family Counseling, LLC, 2019

Normal Kids: Choice-Consequence Parenting • Six Entitlements 1. Food 2. Shelter 3. Clothing 4. Healthcare 5. Education 6. Safety (physical and emotional) © Parent. Coach Family Counseling, LLC, 2019

Normal Kids: Choice-Consequence Parenting • • • Needs vs. Wants: Privileges Appreciated when earned Neutral vs. Positive Privilege • Video Games (neutral) • Telephone (neutral) • Driving (neutral) • Sports / Activities (positive) • Freedom (neutral) © Parent. Coach Family Counseling, LLC, 2019

Normal Kids: Choice-Consequence Parenting • Gateway to Privilege 1. Do Well in School 2. Be Helpful around the House 3. Be respectful to your Parents © Parent. Coach Family Counseling, LLC, 2019

Normal Kids: Choice-Consequence Parenting • The Importance of Showing Respect • Acknowledgement that parents are in charge • Increased sense of safety • Self Control (skill) © Parent. Coach Family Counseling, LLC, 2019

Normal Kids: Choice-Consequence Parenting • Effective Consequence • Loss of Neutral Privilege • 24 Hour cycle • Control on the front end, but not during consequence • Restart of 24 hour cycle if behavior relapses © Parent. Coach Family Counseling, LLC, 2019

Normal Kids: Choice-Consequence Parenting • Passive Withdrawal • • Disengagement with child in response to acting out / non compliant behaviors • • • No talking / eye contact Communicate that parent will not engage child during poor behavior, but will reengage when they choose to change their behavior Initial response of escalation is normal No interaction unless there is a safety issue © Parent. Coach Family Counseling, LLC, 2019

Normal Kids: Choice-Consequence Parenting: Solutions • Morning routine • Academic improvement • School behavior management • Threats to harm self © Parent. Coach Family Counseling, LLC, 2019

Thank You!! Jude Currier, LICSW Amherst, NH (603) 595 -9355 Jude@parentcoach. org Parentcoach. org © Parent. Coach Family Counseling, LLC, 2019