New Visions of Ageing From Ageing to Sageing

New Visions of Ageing From Ageing to Sage-ing

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel Sage-ing themes to lookout for Transitions Images of ageing Fears Life review Re-contextualising the past Healing/Forgiveness/self forgiveness Life completion/resolution New beginnings Love and sexuality Mentoring/intergenerational relationships

Marigold Hotel Discussion Points • Madge: When someone dies, you think about your own life. And I don't want to grow older. I don't want to be condescended to. To become marginalised and ignored by society. I don't want to be the first person they let off the plane in a hostage crisis. • Graham: All that time I thought I’d sentenced him to a life of shame, but I was the one in prison. • • What does the movie say about truly important things? What meaning can you find in this story that applies to your life? • Could you apply any of the characteristics listed in “The Essence of Sage-ing” (p. 11) to this film? • Was there evidence of ‘elders’ or ‘eldering’, as defined on p. 7, in the story? Does an elder have to be an older person? Which characters are ‘elders’? what makes them so? • What nuggets of wisdom can we take from this experience

TRANSITION IS A DEATH AND RE-BIRTH PROCESS It involves a disorientation and a re-orientation: – An ending, followed by – a period of confusion and distress, leading to – a new beginning

NECESSARY LOSSES OF MID-LIFE • • Parents Other loved ones Children moving on – or not Sense of identity Professional self Physical self and self-image around this Sexual self

Arch Vs Staircase

BRAIN RESEARCH • Research over the past 20+ years has shown: • Brain is continuously re-sculpting itself in response to experience and learning; • New brain cells do form throughout life. Physical exercise and new learning lead to release of ‘brain growth factors’ causing primitive brain cells to mature to neurons. Prolonged stress, depression and PTSD result in reduction in neuron production and reduced hippocampal volume. (Treatment reverses this trend); • Brain’s emotional circuitry matures and becomes more balanced with age; • Brain’s 2 hemispheres are more equally used by older adults; • Equanimity and social aplomb in older adults is due to psychological factors such as perspective and greater acceptance, which in turn are due to the growing calmness in the limbic system with age. The amygdalae activity reduces with age; • Brain changes support continuing development in later life. • • G Cohen (The Mature Mind: the Positive Power of the Aging Brain)

DEVELOPMENTAL PHASES OF ADULTHOOD • Midlife re-evaluation (40 -65): Q’s asked: “Where have I been? Where am I now? Where am I going? A desire to break new ground, answer deep questions and search for what is true and meaningful in their lives. • Liberation phase (late 50 s – 70 s): Desire to experiment, innovate and free ourselves from earlier inhibitions or limitations. Q: “If not now, when? ” • Summing up phase (late 60 s- 70 s & 80 s): Recapitulation, resolution and review – often resulting in desire to ‘give back’; • Continuation, reflection and celebration (encore) (70 s -end of life): Desire to restate and reaffirm major themes in our lives and to live life well to the very end. • From G Cohen The Mature Mind: the Positive Power of the Aging Brain

COMMON THEMES OF NEW MODELS Inner push to take stock, review life; • • Need to attend to unfinished business; • ‘Interiority’ – increasing tendency to contemplation, self knowledge and discovery; • Increasing urgency of addressing deep existential and philosophical questions and to find meaning and purpose; • Spiritual dimension to the phase (reflected in the growth in contemplation, feelings of connection to the universe, questions being asked) (see Rumi poem); • The desire to give back and to leave a legacy; • The need for ‘conscious’ inner work to be undertaken in order to ensure that we ‘grow whole’ rather than just ‘growing old’. • Continued or new creative expression

Rumi Little by little, wean yourself. This is the gist of what I have to say. From an embryo, whose nourishment comes in the blood, move to an infant drinking milk, to a child on solid food, to a searcher after wisdom, to a hunter of more invisible game.

Sin Qua Non of Sage-ing • To take hold of the willingness to deal with life completion and overcome the reluctance to face your reality and the desire to stay in denial of ageing. • To come to terms with your mortality. • To acquire the skills for working on the inside by practising journal writing, meditation, imaginal exercises • To pay attention to your body, feelings, mind and spirit • To give a real hearing to the inner voices, allowing all the minorities within you to have a voice. • To begin to do life repair: – In health; – In practical matters with wills and testaments; – In relationships and between generations; – By reaching into the past and offering release and healing; – Through forgiveness work with release from vindictiveness; – By finding the pearls in the anxious memories. • To do the philosophical homework by raising questions about the purpose and meaning of your life. • To serve as an elder to others: as a guide, mentor and agent of healing and reconciliation on behalf of the planet, the nation and the family by being a wisdom keeper. • To prepare for a serene death. •

Elderquest • The Call _ Stimulus which initiates the search • The Search – Ignited by the call; sometimes difficult to define • The Journey – setting off on a journey, outward and inward • The Guide(s) – helpers found along the way • The Struggle – internal, seeking meaning and integrity of their experience • The Breakthrough - usually gradual & subtle • The Return – completing and accepting one’s self and connection with others

STAGES OF OUR LIFE – AS A CYCLE OF A YEAR 0 – 7 years 8 – 14 years 15 – 21 years 22 – 28 years 29 – 35 years 36 – 42 years 43 – 49 years 50 – 56 years 57 – 63 years 64 – 70 years 71 – 77 years 78 – 84 years 85 + years January cutting the first teeth February childhood March adolescence, teenage years April young adulthood May Saturn return; redefining self in the world, separate from family of origin June virile adult July mid-age redefining (crises) August height of summer, crone’s age Sept end of summer, beginning of the harvest October harvesting of one’s life November gathering the seeds December completion of the cycle, looking towards the next season Jubilee Month

And if we all lived together? 1. (The film) - its very character and mood – its plot – holds within it a sharp rejoinder to toxic clichés. 2. There’s a scene about halfway through where one of the film’s cast of 70 somethings tries to explain – to a much younger man – that being old doesn’t mean one just "stops". Sex, ambition, desire, and one’s principles are still alive and well and still throbbing with life. The body, though, offers up daily betrayals. 3. Of course, Robelin’s ironic joke here is that this communal style of living means for these five this is a kind of trip back in time. It doesn’t take too long once the five move into Jean and Annie’s large, rambling suburban pile before old feuds, frustrations and the trace elements of love affairs long soured arise 4. As people, they want to end their adult lives the way they began them: as independent thinkers supported by friends. They want to elect how best to depart the world. 
 …. . our very essence, may mature but never truly grow old. I’m not sure if that’s true or wise, but if it is, it’s something to look forward to, no? 5.

Questions Life is addressing to you • If I were to die now, what would I most regret not having done? • What remains incomplete in my life? Schachter-Shalomi • • • Have I given and received love? Did I find my voice? Did I make a difference? Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

What is needed for wholeness and balance? A shaman or medicine-man would ask you one of these questions if you said you had become dispirited: • When did you stop singing? • When did you stop dancing? • When did you stop being enchanted by stories, especially, your life story? • When did you stop being comforted by the sweet territory of silence? From Angeles Arien

A definition of an elder & eldering • An Elder is a person who is still growing, still a learner, still with potential, and whose life continues to have within it promise for, and connection to the future. • An Elder is still in pursuit of happiness, joy and pleasure, and her or his birthright to these remains intact. • Moreover, an Elder is a person who deserves respect and honour and whose work it is to synthesise wisdom from the long life experience and formulate this into a legacy for future generations. The Live Oak Project© Eldering • Eldering connotes process, change, movement. It is a state of growth and evolution, a process with endless possibilities.

Top Five Regrets 1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. 2. I wish I didn't work so hard All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. 3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings 4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends 5. I wish that I had let myself be happier Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

Discussion Q’s for Get Low 1. “I built my own jail and put myself in it. And I stayed in it for 40 goddamn years. No wife. No kids. No friends. No nothing. No grandchildren. I wouldn’t even know how to hold a baby. You hear me? Forty years. Now, that’s not enough? ” Felix “You know it’s not. ” Rev Charlie Jackson • To what extent do you empathise with Felix’s decision to isolate himself for 40 years? • What does he think he is achieving through his self-imposed exile? • Why does Charlie think differently? • Charlie doesn’t think it’s enough. Does Felix really think it is? 2. “There’s alive and there’s dead. And there’s a worse place in between them that I hope you never know nothin’ about” • What does Felix mean? • Is this feeling something with which you have ever been able to identify? 3. “I did something I’m ashamed of – something I could never fix…I didn’t want forgiveness. No. I needed to hold onto what I did, to be sick from it every day of my life…. I would like forgiveness now, if possible. And then, I don’t mind dying for real next time. But please forgive me. ” – Felix • Why didn’t Felix want forgiveness? • Do you have situations/people in your life, whom you don’t want to forgive? Are there things for which you don’t want to forgive yourself? • What are the effects of locking oneself into that position? • How do Felix’s views of forgiveness change? Why? • To what extent do you think Felix understands the true nature of forgiveness by the end? 4. What finally makes Felix come out of isolation and conceive the idea of a living funeral? • He says he wants to hear the stories being told about him. What do you think he really wants?

Lessons life taught me Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old • • • • • • 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. • 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. • 4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and • parents will. Stay in touch. 5. Pay off your credit cards every month. • 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. • 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. • 8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. • 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. • 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. • 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. • 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. • 13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. • 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. • 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God • never blinks. • 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. • 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. • 18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. 19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is • up to you and no one else. • 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for • an answer. • 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't • save it for a special occasion. Today is special. 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow. 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. 24. The most important sex organ is the brain. 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter? ’ 27. Always choose life. 28. Forgive everyone everything. 29. What other people think of you is none of your business. 30. Time heals almost everything. Give some time to time. 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 33. Believe in miracles. 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. 35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. 36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young. 37. Your children get only one childhood. 38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back. 41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 42. The best is yet to come… 43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 44. Yield. 45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift. "

Guidelines for writing ethical will Possible beginning phrases: • • • • The formative events of my life …. The world from which I came… The people who influenced me the most…. My favourite possessions that I want you to have…. The main themes that have run through my life are… The questions and issues I have struggled with … Looking back, what I consider my most outstanding accomplishments as…. . Probably, the biggest challenge I have faced… From dealing with it, I learned…. The things most important to me…. . My most important lessons in life have been… The mistakes I most regret having made in my life…. When I look back over my life, I feel…. I would like to ask your forgiveness for…. and I forgive you for…. I want you to know how much I love you and how grateful I am to you for ……

Guidelines for writing ethical will II Possible topics/headings: Telling my story, connecting me to my family and ancestors Transmitting family history, connecting the past and future Defining my values and wisdom Articulating my spiritual journey Expressing gratitude for blessings in my life Making amends or requesting forgiveness Giving an account of the history of my money and ‘valuables’, along with my reasons for bequeathing them • Stating my life passions, the causes I care about, and my charitable gifts • Explaining my burial requests and how I want to be memorialised • Describing my art, crafts, poetry and other legacies • • (from Rachael Freed ‘Women’s Lives, Women’s Legacies’ p. 226)

SAGE-ING THEMES • • Encountering our mortality Life review Healing relationships Forgiveness Doing Philosophic Homework Mentoring Mastering the art of Living Spiritual Wisdom