Marriages and Families Changes Choices and Constraints Eighth

Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints Eighth Edition Nijole V. Benokraitis © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Chapter 6 LOVE AND LOVING RELATIONSHIPS Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Learning Objectives LO 6. 1 Compare self-love, friendship, and love LO 6. 2 Explain the concept of love LO 6. 3 Explain why caring, intimacy, and commitment are important components of love LO 6. 4 Compare the six theoretical perspectives that explain love Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Learning Objectives LO 6. 5 Describe four functions of love LO 6. 6 Explain how people experience love and some of love’s obstacles LO 6. 7 Explain why love goes wrong LO 6. 8 Compare romantic and long-term love LO 6. 9 Explain how and why love varies across cultures Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Liking and Loving • Self-love • Friendship and love Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Self-Love • According to Erich Fromm self-love, or love for oneself, is: – Essential for our social and emotional development – Prerequisite for loving others • Important basis for self-esteem according to social scientists Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Friendship • Friends have a big effect on our physical, social, and psychological health • People with strong friendships experience less stress – Friends offer physical assistance and emotional support Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Friendship and Love Qualities of friendship • • Enjoyment Acceptance Trust Respect Mutual support Confiding Understanding Honesty Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e Qualities of love • Includes all the qualities of friendship • Sexual desire • Priority over other relationships • Caring to the point of great selfsacrifice © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

What is Love? • What are some characteristics of love? • What attracts people to each other? • Do lust and love differ? Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

The Thing Called Love • This explores how people feel when they are in love http: //www. socialexplorer. com/pearson/plink. aspx? dest=http%3 a%2 f%2 fold. socialexplorer. com%2 fpe arson%2 fspicemap. aspx%3 fv%3 d 30013 ac 3693 a 4 192%26 m%3 dplay Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

What Are Some Characteristics of Love? • Love is multifaceted • Love is based on respect • Love is often demanding Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

What Attracts People to Each Other? • Cultural norms and values bring people together • Potential lovers are filtered out by formal or informal rules based on: – Age – Race, social class, and religion – Sexual orientation – Health and physical appearance Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Relationships and Love • The video shows what this particular couple feels about each other http: //media. pearsoncmg. com/ph/hss/SSA_SHAR ED_MEDIA_1/sociology/videos/benokraitis_videos /relationships. html Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Do Lust and Love Differ? • Lust and love differ quite a bit • Sexual arousal - Physiological response that may or may not be conscious • Sexual desire - Psychological state in which a person wants to: – Obtain a sexual object that one does not now have – Engage in a sexual activity in which one is not now engaging Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Caring, Intimacy, and Commitment • Caring • Intimacy • Commitment Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Caring • Helping another person by providing aid and emotional support • Relationship becomes more intimate when a person is sensitive to his or her partner’s needs Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Intimacy • Kinds – Physical – Affective – Verbal • Self-disclosure: Offering honest thoughts and feelings to another person in the hope that truly open communication will follow Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Commitment • A person’s intention to remain in a relationship and work through problems • Mutual commitment can arise out of: – Sense of loyalty to one’s partner – Religious, legal, or moral belief in the sanctity of marriage – Continued optimism about future rewards – Strong emotional attachments Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Some Theories about Love and Loving • • • The biochemistry of love Attachment theory Reiss’s wheel theory of love Sternberg’s triangular theory of love Lee’s styles of loving Exchange theory Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

The Biochemistry of Love • Biological perspective - Love is grounded in evolution, biology, and chemistry • Magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) - Used to study brain activity – Found an interplay between hormones, chemicals, and neurotransmitters in creating love • Sociological perspectives - Claim that culture plays a role in forming love Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Attachment Theory • Proposes that infants need to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver – For normal social and emotional development • Attachment styles – Secure style – Avoidant style – Anxious/ambivalent style Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Attachment in Infants • The video gives justification for attachment theory and how it affects infants and adults http: //media. pearsoncmg. com/ph/hss/SSA_SHAR ED_MEDIA_1/sociology/videos/benokraitis_videos /attachment. html Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Reiss’s Wheel Theory of Love • Stages of love – Rapport – Self-revelation – Mutual dependency – Personality need fulfillment • Reiss compared these four stages of love to the spokes of a wheel – These stages can be repeated Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love • Components of love – Intimacy - Feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bonding – Passion - Leads to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation – Decision/commitment - Has dimensions • Short term - Partners make a decision to love each other • Long term - Partners make a commitment to maintain their love over time Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Robert Sternberg: Triangular Theory of Love • In this video, Robert Sternberg discusses Triangular theory of love http: //media. pearsoncmg. com/ph/hss/SSA_SHAR ED_MEDIA_1/sociology/videos/MPL/intvw 7_ster 03. html Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Figure 6. 2 - The Triangular Theory of Love Source: Adapted from Sternberg, 1988. Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Lee’s Styles of Loving • Basic styles of loving – Eros – Mania – Ludus – Storge – Agape – Pragma Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Table 6. 1 - Lee’s Six Styles of Love Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Exchange Theory • Romantic and long-term love relationships involve social exchanges – Social exchanges provide rewards and costs for each partner • Love during adolescence • Love during adulthood • Love during later life Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Functions of Love and Loving • Love ensures human survival • Love enhances our physical and emotional health • Love is fun Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Love Ensures Human Survival • By promoting an interest in caring for helpless infants • Love implies a commitment Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Love Enhances Our Physical and Emotional Health • Babies and children deprived of love develop wide variety of problems that last a lifetime • Likelihood of substance use decreases with serious and enjoyable relationships • Chronic stress elevates blood pressure – Caused due to a demanding job or an unloving home life Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Love is Fun • Love can be painful, but it’s also enjoyable and often exciting • Myth - Love just happens • Reality - Love doesn’t appear out of nowhere – It takes time and effort to get and keep love Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Experiencing Love • Are women or men more romantic? • Are women or men more intimate? • What are some obstacles to experiencing love? Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Are Women or Men More Romantic? • Men are more likely than women to: – Fall in love faster – Say that they are in love – Initiate romantic e-mail exchanges • Romance and commitment are different – Men can be very romantic but not see love as necessarily leading to marriage Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Are Women or Men More Intimate? • Intimacy according to women is being close emotionally before being sexual • According to many men, sex is the same as emotional closeness • Men and women may show affection differently – There are more similarities than differences in their attitudes toward love Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

What are Some Obstacles to Experiencing Love? • Mass society and demographic factors • Me-first individualism • Personality and family characteristics Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

When Love Goes Wrong • • Narcissism: Playing with love Jealousy: Trying to control love Other controlling behavior Unrequited love Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Narcissism: Playing with Love • Narcissists - People who have a grandiose self-concept and a sense of superiority and entitlement – Admire themselves – Enjoyable dating partners – Do not stay in long-term committed relationship – Manipulate and exploit others – Maintain their dominance in romantic relationships Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Jealousy: Trying to Control Love • Jealous lovers insist that their jealousy proves their love • Jealousy is hostile and destructive • Both men and women are more jealous of emotional than sexual infidelity Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Jealousy: Trying to Control Love • Jealousy and stalking – Stalking - Pattern of harassing or threatening tactics used by a perpetrator that is unwanted • Causes fear or emotional distress in the victim – Cyberstalking - Threatening behavior or unwanted advances using e-mail, texting, or social networking sites Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Other Controlling Behavior • Threatening to withdraw love to manipulate the other • Guilt trips – Behavioral control - Direct – Psychological control - More covert and manipulative • Emotional and physical abuse Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Other Controlling Behavior • Other perverse reasons for love – Afraid of being alone or coping with changes – To avoid a partner’s hostility after breaking up – Not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings by admitting one does not love her or him Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Unrequited Love • Not reciprocating another’s romantic feelings • Reasons – Loving someone who’s much better looking is likely to be one-sided – When only one of the partners wants to progress from casual dating to a serious romance Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Sexual Infidelity Among Married and Cohabiting Americans • The study talks about the infidelity in the U. S http: //view. ebookplus. pearsoncmg. com/ebook/linkt oebook 5. do? platform=1027&bookid=15318&pagei d=1877 Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

How Couples Change: Romantic and Long-Term Love • Some characteristics of romantic love • Love in long-term relationships Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Some Characteristics of Romantic Love • Lovers find it impossible to do anything but think about the beloved • Moods fluctuate wildly • Find it impossible to believe that they could ever love again • Fantasize about their partner Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Some Characteristics of Romantic Love • Care about the other person in a way that nothing else matters • Idealize each other • Love at first sight • Fate Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Love in Long-Term Relationships • Differences between romantic and longterm love – Romantic love is effortless and short-lived compared to lasting love – Romantic love is self-centered, whereas longterm love is altruistic – Gestures in long-term love are less tangible and materialistic than romantic love gestures Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Leroy and Geneva • The video is an example of love and long term relationship http: //abavtooldev. pearsoncmg. com/sbx_videoplay er_v 2/simpleviewer. php? project. ID=MFL&clip. ID=ler oygeneva. flv Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Figure 6. 3 - Romantic Love and Long. Term Love: How Do They Differ? Source: Based on Fehr, 1993, pp. 87– 120. Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Love Across Cultures • Romantic love • Arranged love Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Romantic Love • Key factors in selecting a partner in early days – Politics – Economics • Key factors in selecting a partner from the early twentieth century – Love and sexual attraction – Personal fulfillment Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Arranged Love • Arranged marriage: Parents or relatives choose the children’s marriage partners Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Sometimes the Perfect Mate Is Someone You Hardly Know • The text discusses arranged marriage http: //media. pearsoncmg. com/ab/mysoclibrary/pdf/ MSLib_Stei_Sometimes_the_Perfect_Mate. pdf Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Class Discussion Question • Discuss the following theories of love – Reiss’s wheel theory of love – Sternberg’s triangular theory of love – Lee’s styles of loving – Exchange theory Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints, 8 e © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.