Marriage Expectations and Relationships Chapter 8 1 Marriage

Marriage Expectations and Relationships Chapter 8 1

Marriage Expectations • Do you expect to get married? • ~ 90% of adults in the U. S. marry by age 40 ~95% by age 70 • Push into marriage, social pressures and stigma about being unmarried • “Spinsters” and “old maids, ” “bachelors” • Religious teaching, “it is not good for man to be alone…”, “marriage is ordained of God” 2

Marriage Expectations • Pull toward marriage • • • Personal reasons, practical reasons Intimacy, closeness, sex Fulfillment Have children Work and life partnership • Hopes for a close relationship (Charlie Brown) 3

Marital Benefits • Married people, on average, happier than singles • Society has stake strengthening marriages • Utah e. g. Utah Stronger Marriage PSAs 4

Marital Benefits 1. Healthier lifestyle… eating, drinking, exercise, and avoiding harmful behavior 2. Longer life expectancy…from emotional and economic support 3. More frequent and satisfying sexual relationships 5

Marital Benefits 4. Greater wealth and economic assets based on increased income and sharing costs 5. Advantaged children (greater parental attention, resources…emotional adjustment and academic success) • Average--not experienced by everyone • Causality controversy 6

Marriage Norms • Norms = expectations about how people should act in various roles • Marriage norms = define what marriages are expected to be like, or what we expect husbands and wives to do • Spouses expect same things or not? Need to figure this out together… 7

Core Norms of Marriage • Fidelity = faithful, sexual exclusivity • Permanence = “until death”, forever • Kindness = civility, caring, partner’s needs • Less general norms arise culturally, within lineages, with each couple (examples) 8

Traditional Family Norms • ‘Breadwinner’ & ‘homemaker’ • “Instrumental” roles = Husbands protect and provide economically • “Expressive” roles = Wives nurture husband children 9

Traditional Marriage and Family Norms • Some norms defined by Tradition… • Fiddler on the roof: “Here in …. everyone knows who he is, and what God expects him to do” • Pappa, scramble for a living… • Momma, keep a proper home… 10

Traditional Family Norms • Breadwinner & homemaker • “Instrumental” roles = Husbands protect and provide economically • “Expressive” roles = Wives nurture husband children 11

Marital Norms Today • Contemporary marriages and families mostly diverse, nontraditional • Marriages egalitarian, partners decide who does what based on preference, interests • Roles vary by culture • Islamic societies patriarchal • Tension, conflict… • Example: Malala 12

In my marriage, who will be in charge of child care? • • • A B C D E WIFE all or mostly WIFE more than HUSBAND EQUAL HUSBAND more than WIFE HUSBAND all or mostly 13

In my marriage, who will earn money? • • • A B C D E WIFE mostly WIFE more than HUSBAND EQUAL HUSBAND more than WIFE HUSBAND mostly 14

In my marriage, who will do the laundry? • • • A B C D E WIFE all or mostly WIFE more than HUSBAND EQUAL HUSBAND more than WIFE HUSBAND all or mostly 15

Communication, general • Communication = process of conveying meaning. Requires listening, speaking. • Fundamental process underlying all relationships…marriage especially • Key to close relationships • Coaching husband to listen, skip 0 -1. 15, use to 3. 25 (4; 6) 16

Communication, general • Emotions, ironies, multiple meanings • Direct communication = saying what you think without filtering or screening • Indirect communication…hard time saying what you really think or feel 17

Communication, general • Verbal and nonverbal • Usually go together, not always • Importance of nonverbal; trumps talk • Voice only and text only = less meaning 18

Types of Marital Communications • Maintenance communication = common or mundane…most marital communication • Ex. Who is going to get the groceries? • Not fulfilling or intimate for partners • Important, sometimes essential 19

Types of Marital Communications • Deeper, intimate communications • Satisfy need to feel closeness • To be heard and understood • Share intimate thoughts and feelings • Disclosure and support 20

Communication problems • • • Gottman Four Horsemen Criticism…attacking the partner Defensiveness…deny own role, blame other Contempt…insult, belittle, put down, mock Stonewalling…tuning out, turning off • Patterns of accusation, blame, and victimization 21

Key to Stable Marriage • Gottman conclusion over his decades of observing couple communication and interaction • difference between stable and unstable marriages: the ability to repair, resolve differences 22

Gottman Styles of Conflict • “Happiness isn’t found in a particular style of fighting or making up. Rather, our research suggests that what really separates contented couples from those in deep marital misery is a healthy balance between their positive and negative feelings and actions toward each other. ” • “But by balance I do not mean a fifty-fifty equilibrium. ” John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail 23

Gottman Magic Ratio • “As part of our research we carefully charted the amount of time couples spent fighting versus interacting positively—touching, smiling, paying compliments, laughing, etc. Across the board we found there was a very specific ratio that exists between the amount of positivity and negativity in a stable marriage, whether it is marked by validation, volatility, or conflict avoidance. That magic ratio is 5 to 1. ” John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail 24

Gottman Magic Ratio • …”it all comes down to a simple mathematical formula: no matter what style your marriage follows, you must have at least five times as many positive as negative moments together if your marriage is to be stable. ” • “as long as there is five times as much positive feeling and interaction between husband wife as there is negative, we found the marriage was likely to be stable. ” John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail 25

Communication and Intimacy • • • Positive communication enhances intimacy Poor communication inhibits close relationships Poor communication predicts unhappy marriage Cannot communicate, silence has meaning Power of nonverbal messages (~65% of content) 26

Overcoming Negative Communication, Listening • Active listening – A conscious effort to focus completely on the conversation, to “put away” other thoughts • Eye contact with partner • Patience, waiting, do not finish for partner • Patience, do not interrupt 27

Overcoming Negative Communication, Speaking • Begin gently, don’t put partner on defensive • Express specific complaints, gently • Empathy, other’s view 28

Overcoming Negative Communication Patterns • Celebrate your story, good times… • Spend positive time together 29

Power and Authority • Authority = legitimated power, the right to make decisions, exercise power • Power = the ability to exert one’s will • Authority clear, who has power? • Both authority and power are relevant for couple interactions 30

Power and Authority • Traditionally men had authority: • “head of household” • Initiated dating • Proposed marriage • Decided where to live • Managed finances • Decided who did what in the household 31

Power and Authority • Bases of Power • Resources – education, money, job status • Expert power, knowledge or expertise • Reward power, bribes, sex • Coercive power, punishment • Personality, humor 32

Power and Authority • Egalitarian = marriage partners do things jointly, make decisions together, based on partners’ interests and talents, rather than playing traditional marital roles assigned by society • Role taking = traditional roles • Role making = contemporary roles 33

Your Family of Origin Mother is (was) A B C D Employed full time Employed part time Employed sometimes Not Employed 34

Rules for Constructive Conflict 1. Refuse destructive conflict tactics 2. Gain and use the skills to disagree constructively…”I feel ____ when…. ” 3. Focus on feelings first; then specific issues 4. Focus on one issue at a time 5. Identify patterns that reveal root causes 35

Rules for Constructive Conflict 6. Think win/win 7. 8. 9. 10. Learn to calm yourself Learn to calm your partner Be congruent in your communication Seek closure, resolve specific issue ASAP 36

Important relationship skills • The Do’s • Calm Down, soothe self and partner • Complaint is specific, focused • Speak Non-Defensively • Validate partner views and emotions • Overlearn Skills 37

Important relationship skills • The Don’ts • Criticism (attacking partner) • Contempt (put down, insult) • Defensiveness (deny part) • Stonewalling (disregard, withdraw) 38

Improving the Odds • Both partners (Olson et al…) • Are independent and mature • Love themselves as well as each other • Enjoy being alone as well as together 39

Improving the Odds • Both partners… • Established in their work • Know themselves • Can express themselves assertively • Are friends as well as lovers 40

Commitment • Commitment = devotion or dedication • Good and bad examples of commitment? • “Commitment-no-matter-what means that I am faithful to a flawed human being, who is faithful to me as a flawed human being, in a moral covenant that does not have a lemon clause and does not permit leasing and trade -ins. We never stop working on being married. ” Doherty 41