It is not the critic who counts not

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, Because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; Who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly…. ” THEODORE ROOSEVELT’S SPEECH “CITIZENSHIP IN A REPUBLIC” APRIL 23, 1910

Intention Appreciation Sharing Daring. Greatly Self Compassion

DARING GREATLY: THE COURAGE TO BE VULNERABLE Brene Brown

Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection. p 2

1. Cultivating authenticity: Letting go of what people think. 2. Cultivating self compassion: letting go of perfectionism 3. Cultivating a resilient spirit: Letting go of numbing and powerlessness 4. Cultivating gratitude and joy: Letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark 5. Cultivating intuition and trusting faith; Letting go of the need for certainty 6. Cultivating creativity: Letting go of comparison 7. Cultivating play and rest: Letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as selfworth 8. Cultivating calm and stillness: Letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle 9. Cultivating Meaningful work: Letting go of self-doubt and “supposed to” 10. Cultivating laughter, song, and dance: Letting go of being cool and “always in control” WHOLEHEARTED LIVING (FROM THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECTION): SHARE A STRENGTH, SHARE AN INTENTION TO DEVELOP

WRITE DOWN SOMETHING YOU WERE GRATEFUL FOR THIS WEEK

Never ________ enough.

We are part of a “never enough” culture. (Brene Brown) How does this impact you personally? Worrying about scarcity is our culture’s version of PTSD. Our sense of safety was shaken, we scramble to protect what is ours. SCARCITY

CULTURAL MESSAGE: AN ORDINARY LIFE IS A MEANINGLESS LIFE

The opposite of never enough isn’t abundance or “more than you could imagine”. The opposite of scarcity is enough, or what I call Wholeheartedness. P 29 Wholeheartedness: vulnerability and worthiness. Facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough. I can cope regardless Dayenu- Hebrew- this is enough

Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen. P 30

Vulnerability is ______

1. Vulnerability is weakness. To feel is to be vulnerable 2. I don’t do vulnerability 3. Vulnerability is letting it all hang out We can do it alone Mutuality. Vulnerability begets vulnerability (360) CH 2: DEBUNKING VULNERABILITY MYTHS

Experiencing vulnerability isn’t a choice. The only choice we have is how we’re going to respond when we are confronted with uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. P 45 Vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust…. Sharing our feelings and experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them.

Trust is built one marble at a time.

Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to wither…. Language and story bring light to shame and destroy it. P 58 Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. P 67 Shame is universal, it is the fear that we will be unworthy of connection Shame is real pain. Physical pain and emotional pain registers in the brain in a similar way p 71 Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying. Shame has not been correlated with any positive outcomes. P 73 Shame is biology and biography p 75 CH 3 SHAME RESILIENCE

Shame, Comparison, and Disengagement I call “BS”

Shame: I am bad Guilt: I did something bad Internalizing/externalizing

Moving toward, moving against, and moving away. (Dr. Hartling, Stone Center) WHEN WE EXPERIENCE SHAME:

EMPATHY: THE ANTIDOTE TO SHAME

Recognizing shame and understanding its triggers Practicing critical awareness Reaching out Speaking shame FOUR ELEMENTS OF SHAME RESILIENCE

WEBS AND BOXES

THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ PISSED OFF OR SHUT DOWN

The irony: Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me but the first thing I look for in you p 113 CH 4

P 129 Perfectionism is a defensive move. The belief that if we do things perfectly we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame Perfectionism is not self improvement. It is about earning approval. Perfection actually hampers achievement and is correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis or missed opportunities Perfectionism is not a way to avoid shame. It IS a form of shame. PERFECTIONISM

MOVE FROM “WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK? ” TO “I AM ENOUGH”

Foreboding joy Practicing gratitude Perfectionism as a shield Self compassion Numbing as a shield Cynicism as a shield Criticism, cool, cruelty CH 6

From The Gifts of Imperfection: We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them- we can only love other as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare. (p 106 Daring Greatly) “Bridge Maintenance” HOW TO CULTIVATE LOVE: REFLECT

What is the most significant barrier to creativity and innovation?

What is the most significant barrier to creativity and innovation? Fear of being ridiculed or laughed at

In education- NO SHAME We can all remember shame experiences while learning Ex: (diving into pool, do I need a balcony) When we shame- people disengage to protect themselves

Not productive to blame Feedback is useful- must be done responsibly, can bring transformation How to give feedback in a way that inspires growth and engagement? Brene is vulnerable. I liked how that felt, now I want to be vulnerable when I speak to others

BB says p 199: If you’re comfortable, I’m not teaching and you’re not learning. Its going to get uncomfortable in here and that’s okay. It’s normal and its part of the process. Help people realize that discomfort is normal and it’s going to happen.

Counseling- each experience will be very different. The fit with the counselor is very valuable. But should feel like someone is interested in knowing you, seeing you, understanding you with love. Though it may be uncomfortable sometimes, you should feel safe, cared for, fully seen, and supported.

Kindness to ourselves: if we look at what we do best as well as what we want to change the most, we will often find that the two are varying degrees of the same core behavior. What does that mean for you?

Self righteousness- helps us feel safe (how dare that person…. Blame)

We can “help our children understand, leverage, and appreciate their hardwiring, and how we teach them resilience in the face of relentless ‘never enough’ cultural messages What we ARE teaches the child more than what we SAY PARENTING/TEACHING

Engage with the world from a place of worthiness Embrace our vulnerabilities and imperfections Feel a deep sense of love and compassion for ourselves and others Value hard work, perseverance, and respect Carry a sense of authenticity and belonging with us, rather than searching for it in external places Have the courage to be imperfect, vulnerable, and creative Don’t fear feeling ashamed or unlovable if they are different or if we are struggling Move through our rapidly changing world with courage and a resilient spirit WHOLEHEARTEDNESS

Most of us remember shaming events from childhood that felt defining. But more than likely we remember them because we didn’t process those experiences with parents who were open to talking about shame and committed to helping us cultivate shame resilience p 227 We can’t raise children who are more shame resilient than we are p 228 BB AS SHE CONNECTS TO WHOLE BRAIN CHILD

THE END

It is not joy that makes us grateful, it’s gratitude that makes us joyful brother david steindl-rast

The big villain is self condemnation, self hatred, self dissatisfaction p 158 Anthony De Mello AWARENESS

Getting an intellectual handle on these issues isn’t the same as living and loving with your whole heart. Our goals: Courage, compassion, connection What gets in the way: fear, disengagement Worthiness doesn’t just happen, it’s cultivated p 11

Brene Brown asks: What are the messages and expectations that define our culture and how does culture influence our behaviors? P 23 Daring Greatly

What are our messages about: Shame Comparison Disengagement

SHAME CATEGORIES

Only when we’re brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light. (from Harry Potter books? ) The secret killer of innovation is shame. Don’t connect what we produce to our self worth SHAME RESILIENCE

Joy comes to us in moments- ordinary moments. We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary Be grateful for what you have Don’t squander joy. Helps us build resilience and cultivate hope PRACTICING GRATITIUDE

P 145 The two most powerful forms of connection are love and belongingthey are both irreducible needs of men, women, and children…. . If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging. LOVE AND BELONGING

The innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow subsstitiutes for belonging, but oftern barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater tha our level of self acceptance. P 145 BELONGING

SHIELD: VIKING OR VICTIM

Common vulnerability shields Foreboding joy Practicing gratitude The opposite of scarcity is enough

Share our stories with people who have earned the right to hear them Vulnerabiliyt/privacy Don’t overshare SHIELF: FLOODLIGHTING

P 174 Culture is the way we do things around here (see limits of language pp)

Dodging vulnerability SHEILD SERPENTINING

Connection: love and belonging DARING GREATLY : SETTING BOUNDARIES, FINDING TRUE COMFORT, AND CULTIVATING SPIRIT

Disengagement- bad Aspirational Values: Honesty and integrity Respect and accountability Gratitude and respect Stting limits These limits may not work

P 179 Try aligned values: Emotional connection and honored feelings

Feedback- sitting on the same side of the table The problem is in front of US Listen, ask, realize may not know the full context Acknowledge strengths Aware of your role and how you could improve