Interpersonal Effectiveness WHITEWATER HIGH SCHOOL Overview OBJECTIVE EFFECTIVENESS

Interpersonal Effectiveness WHITEWATER HIGH SCHOOL

Overview OBJECTIVE EFFECTIVENESS, RELATIONSHIP EFFECTIVENESS, AND SELF-RESPECT EFFECTIVENESS

Skills to Be Interpersonal Asserting Your Rights Building and Maintaining Relationships Building and Maintaining Self-Respect Intensity of How to Ask for Things Saying no Hanging out Feeling good Demanding with friends at about yourself someone to lunch do something Asking for help with homework Keeping good relationships with parents Asking for a ride home Siblings Stop picking on you or someone else Family members Acting in a Hinting at way you think what you is right want

What is Interpersonal Effectiveness? In DBT, Interpersonal Effectiveness refers to the skills which help us to: Attend to relationships. ◦ Balance priorities versus demands. ◦ Balance the “wants” and “shoulds”. ◦ Build a sense of mastery and self-respect.

OVERVIEW OF INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS Clarifying Priorities: 1. Getting what you want/obtaining your goal? 2. Keeping the relationship? 3. Maintaining your self-respect?

Handout 25. 1 Overview the Goals/Priorities

Relationship Effectiveness GIVE Skill Act in a way that you maintain positive relationships, and That others feel good about themselves and about you.

Relationships Does anyone want to give an example of how they want their relationships improved? Do any of you think you could benefit from improving your relationships?

Objectives Effectiveness DEAR MAN Skills Be effective in asking clearly for what you want and saying no.

Objectives Do any of you have difficulty asking people for things or saying no to people when a request is made of you? What are things people usually asking and what makes it difficult to say no?

Self-Respect Effectiveness FAST Skill Act in such a way that you keep your self-respect.

Self-Respect When is self-respect important to have? What types of situations?

Factors to Consider Decide how firm or intense you want to be asking for something or saying no.

Homework HANDOUT 25. 2 INTERACTION WHERE YOU WANT TO PRACTICE THESE SKILLS

Discussion What get’s in the way of being as interpersonally skilled as you would like to be? What area do you struggle with?

Review Interpersonal Goals: ◦ Meeting your objectives ◦ Objectives effectiveness ◦ Maintaining and improving your relationships ◦ Relationship effectiveness ◦ Maintaining and increasing your self-respect ◦ Self-respect effectiveness

Homework 25. 4 CLARIFYING PRIORITIES IN INTERPERSONAL SITUATIONS DUE: MONDAY, FEBRUARY 3 RD

Objectives Effectiveness

What are some different times when you need to say no or when you need to ask for something that can be difficult? 5 CATEGORIES

Are there situations in which you have no problem asking for things and other situations where you really struggle? Or are there people you have no problem saying no to and others you struggle with saying no to?

How do I get what I want and say NO? DESCRIBE EXPRESS ASSERT REINFORCE Be Mindful. Appear Confident. Negotiate.

D: Describe the current situation. Stick to the facts, and avoid judgmental statements. Example 1: You do not like your math teacher, and you are frustrated with the grade he or she gave you on the exam. ◦ “My paper says that I got a C—on the test. ” Example 2: You are at a party with friends, and they are asking you to do ecstasy (a drug). You don’t do drugs, but are afraid they will not like you if you don’t. ◦ “Thanks for offering to share the ecstasy with me. ” Example 3: You are at the fair, and your friends are all going on the rollercoaster. You are afraid of rollercoasters. ◦ “Thanks for asking me to go on the rollercoaster with you. ”

E: Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Use “I “ statements (“I feel…”, “I would like…”, etc. ). Stay away from “you should”. Example 1: “I am frustrated with my grade because I studied for 4 days for that test. I looked it over, and I think some of my answers are correct. ” Example 2: “I really appreciate you inviting me to the party and including me in the activities. I am worried that you will be mad at me. ” Example 3: “Rollercoasters are not fun for me, and they kind of freak me out. ”

A: Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Be clear and concise. Example 1: “Would you please go through the problems I got wrong with me, so I can understand why my answers were not correct? ” Example 2: “No, thanks, I am not interested in doing any drugs. ” Example 3: “No, thanks, I don’t want to go on the roller coaster. ”

R: Reinforce or reward the other person(s) ahead of time by explaining the consequences. Example 1: “I would really appreciate you going through the exam with me, and it will be really helpful to me so I have a better understanding of the material. ” Example 2: “I appreciate your understanding, and I am really glad we can still hang out together. ” Example 3: “Thanks for wanting me to go on the ride with you and for understanding. I will be happy to hold on to your bags and wait for you guys down here while you ride it. ”

M: (be) Mindful Stay mindful and keep your focus on your objectives. There a couple techniques for doing this: 1. Repeating like a broken record: Keep asking, saying no, or expressing your opinion over and over again. 2. Ignoring: If another person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, simply ignore threats, comments, or attempts to divert you.

A: Appear confident This means looking at the other person or persons when you are talking to them and using a confident voice tone. *Example

N: Negotiate Be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem. In addition, “turn the tables” : That is, turn the problem over to the other person(s) and ask for alternative solutions. Example 1: “I understand you are really busy, and I really need to go over my exam with you. What do you suggest we do so I can get some feedback on my exam? Example 2: “I appreciate you want to include me in your fun, and I am not interested in doing drugs. I am happy to hang out with you, though. If I won’t do drugs and you want to still hang out, what do you suggest we do? ” Example 3: “I know you want to go on the rollercoaster, and I don’t want to. I am fine with waiting for you while you go on it. If you don’t like that idea, what do you suggest we do? ”

Goals of Interpersonal Effectiveness Getting the “thing” I want: Determining if it is your legitimate right. Getting another to do something for you. Refusing an unwanted or unreasonable request. Resolving an interpersonal conflict. Getting your opinion or point of view taken seriously. Source: http: //www. bipolarsjuk. se/pdf/Handbook%20 in%20 DBT%20 Group. pdf

How to I Get What You Want? Communication is key to getting what you want. In order to be successful, you need to know how to effectively express yourself. There are 3 types of communication styles: 1) Passive Communication 2) Assertive Communication 3) Aggressive Communication

Interpersonal Communication Styles Passive Communication Style: This style of communication typically involves going along with what someone wants and expressing little to no opinion. This person may compliment others, yet put themselves down. Assertive Commination Style: This style of communication involves expressing how you feel in a polite manner. This person shows confidence and stands up for what they believe is right. Aggressive Communication Style: This person can come across argumentative, hostile, rude, and even intimidate others.

What Are Consequences of Being Passive? 1) Someone who is passive will often give in to what others say and/or do. They tend to not get what they want as a result of lack of communication. This can result in a low self-esteem as well as negative thoughts about themselves.

Consequences of Being Assertive? There are many positive results of being assertive. These include getting along well with others which allows them to have positive relationships with others. As a result of being respectful of self and others they have a high self-esteem which helps them be successful academically, personally, and in the work force.

What Are the Consequences of Being Aggressive? Those who are aggressive often struggle with having good relationships with others. This is often due to the fact that they can intimidate others which results in making enemies with others. This person often is unhappy, angry and resentful of others.

Communication Styles Video

Homework HOMEWORK 26. 3 DUE THURSDAY

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Zhen Time Close your eyes and take deep breaths in and out. 1 minute

Review Homework Pair up with a partner. Share with your partner what you did as your DEAR MAN homework. Pretend that your partner is the person with whom you did the DEAR MAN exercise. So instead of saying, “I said {blank}. ” say what you said, and how you said it, to your partner. Your partner should be prepared to tell you one aspect of the DEAR MAN exercise that was effective and also one area that could use improvement. After the first partner has finished and received feedback, switch roles and have the other person share his or her DEAR MAN homework.

Think… How many friends do you think you would have if you constantly insisted on doing only what you want, talking only about yourself, and not acknowledging the other person’s feelings at all?

Think… How many of you pay attention to how you interact with your parents? Some teenagers don’t pay much attention to their relationship with their parents, because they don’t think that how they interact with them has any effect on the relationship. Do you think you would be more likely to get what you want from your parents if you actually attended to the relationship in a way that strengthens it?

RELATIONSHIP EFFECTIVENESS Getting and Keeping a Good Relationship Acting in such a way that the other person will like and respect you. Balancing immediate goals with the good of the long–term relationship. Remembering why the relationship is important to you now and in the future.

Handout 27. 1 BUILDING AND MAINTAINING POSITIVE RELATIONSHIPS

G: Be Gentle What is the difference between being assertive and being aggressive? A person can be assertive without being aggressive by focusing on the G in GIVE. “Being Gentle” refers to being courteous, respectful, and pleasant in your approach to this person. No attacks or threats No judgements Voice tone

I: Act Interested Act interested in what the person is saying because you care about the relationship, even if you are not actually interested in the topic. Do not interrupt Listen Be patient Do not talk over the person Maintain eye contact

Think… Have you ever been in a conversation with another person, and while you were talking, the other person kept checking their phone for Snaps or text messages? How did you feel during that experience? Did you think the other person cared about what you were saying? Again, nonverbal behaviors can sometimes communicate ore than our words.

V: Validate Acknowledging the other person’s feelings, behaviors, or opinions. We can validate why someone did something without validating what the person did. For example, if a friend hangs up on the phone with you, you can say, “I get it that you were so angry with me all you wanted to do was to hang up on me. An I don’t think it’s effective for us to break off our discussions like that when one of us is mad, because it will probably just make both of us more angry. ” Validation does NOT mean approval.

Think… Have you ever been told not to be sad, angry, guilty, or embarrassed about something? How did you feel when someone told you this?

Validation based on past experiences: Validating by stating that their reactions make sense given situations they have previously been in. “Of course you were scared to tell your parents that you failed the chemistry test because the last time you failed a test, they grounded you for a month. ”

Validation based on normalizing a person’s reaction to the current situation: Based on the fact that many people would have a similar reaction in the same situation. “I get that you are scared to tell your parents that you failed the chemistry test. Who wouldn’t be? I know I would be too. ”

Think of a time when you didn’t feel validated by the other person. WHAT WAS THAT LIKE FOR YOU?

E: Use an Easy Manner Smile, be easygoing, use humor, and use a light tone of voice. The idea is to minimize the person’s defensiveness, which will help him or hear your message.

Which body posture do you think is going to have a better effect on the relationship if you want to build and maintain it?

Practice with a partner saying “Why didn’t you call me last night? ” WHICH TONE OF VOICE DO YOU THINK WILL CAUSE LESS AMOUNT OF DEFENSIVENESS OR ANGER IN THE OTHER PERSON?

Homework 27. 2 TUESDAY, JANUARY 7 T H 2 SITUATIONS (SHOULD HAVE PLENTY FROM BREAK)

SELF-RESPECT EFFECTIVENESS Maintaining and Improving Self-Respect. Like Yourself. Respect your own values and beliefs by acting in a way that makes you feel moral. Behave in a way that makes you feel capable and effective.

Review Homework 27. 2 Pair up with a partner. Share with your partner what you did as your GIVE homework. Explain what you did for each letter of GIVE. Your partner is going to ask one question. 1. If the outcome was not as effective as hoped, your partner can ask you what you think could have been done differently, if anything. 2. If the outcome was effective, your partner can ask you how did it feel when the outcome went in our favor.

Post-It Activity On your post-it write down one thing you have thought negatively about yourself. For example, I hate my hair, I will never be able to make the soccer team, I am dumb and I will never understand math class.

Let the Negative Thoughts Go Take the “I can’t” “I will never” “I hate” out of your mind and every time you start to say that you can’t do something stop yourself, write that thought down, tear it up, and throw it in the trash. Group Discussion: How did you feel when you tore the paper? How can negative thoughts hold you back?

Handout On the sheet of paper handed out please answer the following questions: 1) What does self-respect mean to you? 2) “To get respect, you have to give respect. ” means. 3) “Treat others that way you’d like them to treat you. ” Explain what this means. Explain what this

Pair-Share In pairs, discuss what you wrote on your handout for the following questions: 1) What does self-respect mean to you? 2) “To get respect, you have to give respect. ” means. 3) “Treat others that way you’d like them to treat you. ” Explain what this means. *Whole Group Share-Out Explain what this

How Self-Esteem Relates to Interpersonal Effectiveness In order to express ourselves we must be confident, this means we need to be able to show confidence in ourselves. Negotiating with others is a skill we must learn, so that we do not allow others to make choices for us. We must make our opinions, feelings and thoughts known.

Discussion How does it feel when you sacrifice your own needs to make a friend happy? Or how does it feel when you go against your own values to do something that somebody is pressuring you into doing?

Priorities Top priority may be mindful of the relationship and your self-respect is still important. You will need both the GIVE and FAST skills as well as the DEAR MAN skills.

Discussion Take a minute and think of an example in your life when maybe you didn’t maintain your self-respect during an interaction with someone. § Feeling so angry that you screamed and yelled at someone to get them to do what you wanted. § Bullying someone. § Pressuring someone to do something the other person didn’t really want to do… § Lying to your friends or family members. § Crying intensely that someone else did something you wanted because you were crying so much.

FAST Mnemonic F: (Be) Fair A: (No) Apologies S: Stick to Values T: (Be) Truthful

Be Fair What is fair to you? Being fair means finding balance.

No Apologies When can over-apologizing to someone be a problem? Ex) Sally is in the lunchroom talking to Billy about their chemistry assignment. Sally’s boyfriend, Mike, walks in and sees them talking, rolls his eyes at Sally, and walks out. Sally runs after Mike and starts apologizing multiple times for talking to Billy. Q: What do Sally’s apologies imply? They imply that she was doing something wrong and that she should not have been working on her chemistry assignment. How do you think Sally feels about herself after multiple apologies?

Stick to Values Think about what your values are. ◦ ◦ ◦ Honesty Money stealing Sex Drugs Cheating What are your personal values and moral beliefs?

Be Truthful What impact can lying have on your self-respect?

Balancing FAST Skills with DEAR MAN and GIVE Skills Are the FAST skills only needed when self-respect is the top priority in the interaction, or should they be used in all interactions?

Homework 28. 2 1. Practicing FAST Skills Use this sheet for the homework for Friday. Choose 2 situations to use the FAST skills Report: • • Relationship to the person you engaged with The situation Outcome How you felt about yourself afterwards

Homework 28. 2 - Partner Share Choose one of the two situations that you wrote about and share this with your partner. Explain what you did for each letter of FAST. Your partner is going to ask one question. What do you think was done well? If the outcome was not as effective as intended, your partner can ask what you think could have been done differently and can offer some suggestions to help. Then switch roles. Be sure that you both get a chance to tell about one situation for FAST.

Share out?

Have you ever? Wanted something so badly but you asked for it too lightly, or quickly took no for an answer when you really, really wanted it and though you deserved it? Have you ever asked for something so strongly that the other person couldn’t say no to you because you wouldn’t accept no for an answer? In either case, how did that affect the relationship?

Learning Today? 1. Learn how to decide whether it is appropriate to ask for something or to say no right now. 2. Focus on how strongly we should ask or say no in an interpersonal situation. Questions and situations do not always have black or white answers or solutions since we need to consider different factors when asking for something or saying no. 10 factors

Handout 29. 1 Evaluating Options Come up with an example of something we want to ask someone for or something we know we want to say no to. (Be willing to share) Mine: Asking the principal for a raise. Examples: Asking a partner or friend to go to a concert that the other person is unlikely to enjoy, saying no to giving someone a ride after school, saying no to a concert with someone, or saying no to a good friend about getting tattoos or piercings.

Utilizing our Examples Using handout 29. 3 we are going to figure out how intense we should ask or say no How strongly to ask? Circle the 10 cents symbol on the left side if you say yes for the specific factor How strongly to say no? Circle the 10 cents symbol on the right side if you say no for the specific factor

Asking parents to get a piercing. HOW HARD SHOULD WE ASK?

CAPABILITY Is the person able to give you what you want? If the answer is yes, you circle the left side. If the answer is no, you do not circle. Example: The answer is yes ◦ They are your legal guardians, so they are capable of giving permission. Therefore, you would circle the 10 cents symbol on the left side of Hand out 29. 3 ◦ How would you answer your example?

PRIORITIES Decide what your priority is. Is your objective a higher priority than the relationship? If the answer is yes, then you would circle the left side. If the relationship is a higher priority, then you would not circle. Example: Let’s assume in this case that you don’t ask your parents for things like this all the time. Let’s also assume that you will retain your self-respect by asking directly without whining or yelling, even if the say no. Then the answer is yes, you would circle on the left side. ◦ How would you answer your example?

RIGHTS Is the person required by law or moral code to give you what you want? Example: The answer is no ◦ There is no law that says you have to get a piercing, so you would not circle the left side. ◦ But if your parents were required by law to say yes to the piercing, then the question about rights would be yes, and you would circle the dime. ◦ How would you answer in your example?

AUTHORITY Are you responsible for directing the person or telling the person what to do? Example: The answer is no, actually it is the opposite. ◦ You would not circle on the left side. ◦ If a person making a request does not have authority over you, when your answer would be no, and you would circle the left side. ◦ How would you answer your example?

RELATIONSHIP Is asking appropriate to the current relationship? Example: Yes, since you are a minor, you need your parents’ written permission in order to get the piercing from a reputable place. So you would circle on the left side. ◦ Let’s assume for a moment, however, that you are asking your 22 year old brother’s permission (an that he is not your legal guardian). What that be appropriate? In this case no, then you would not circle the left side. ◦ How would you answer your example?

LONG-TERM VERSUS SHORTTERM GOALS How will asking now affect the relationship in the long run? Example: Will not asking for the piercing now maintain the peace in the short term, but be likely to cause more frustration later? The answer is no: If you don’t ask now, it won’t cause more problems later. So, you would not circle the left side. ◦ How would you answer your example?

Short-Term Peace A friend, Linh, asks you to let her copy your homework for geometry at least once or twice a week. She asks you again today. Although you are frustrated with her copying your work, you know she will start saying bad things about you to your friends if you don’t give in. You really want to go to the football game on Friday night with your friends, but your mom usually has you babysit on Friday nights because that is your parents’ date night. You think that if you ask her to give up her date night with your father, she will get angry or complain that she never gets time for herself. However, you know if you miss out on another Friday night event with your friends, you are going to be really angry at your parents for a long time (and probably will not be very nice to your younger siblings. )

GIVE AND TAKE In your relationship with this person, do you give as much as you are asking for? Example: Let’s say that you clean the table and do the dishes after dinner each night, and you babysit your younger siblings on the weekend when your parents ask you to. So, your answer would be yes, and you would circle the left side. ◦ How would you answer your example?

HOMEWORK When you are making a request, “doing your homework” includes having all the necessary information needed to make the request and making both your requests and goals clear to the person you are asking. If you have done all your homework and your request is clear, then your answer is yes, and you would put a dime or paper clip in your bank. If you are saying no to someone, then you want to ask yourself whether the request is being made of you is clear, so that you know exactly what is being asked of you. If the request is not clear, your answer to this question is no and you would put a dime or paper clip in the bank.

HOMEWORK Example: do you know all the facts you need to know to support your request? Let’s assume that you have looked into different places, that you have checked prices, and that you have obtained all the information about keeping a piercing safe and healthy and avoiding infection. Let’s also assume that the piercing you want is a small gold ball on the left side of your nose. You will provide a picture of the type of piercing you are requesting. ◦ How would you answer in your example?

TIMING Is this a good time to ask? Example: let’s assume that you just good grades on the latest progress report, so your parents are happy with you and are in a good mood right now. But when do you think might not be a good time to ask for something or say no?

Sources http: //www. bipolarsjuk. se/pdf/Handbook%20 in%20 DBT%20 Group. pdf http: //texasprojectfirst. org/Self. Advocacy. html http: //www. dbtselfhelp. com/html/interpersonal_effectiveness 1. html http: //www. mindfulnessmuse. com/dialectical-behavior-therapy/do-you-have-apassive-or-aggressive-interpersonal-style

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