In a world of too much information Good

“In a world of too much information, Good Enough Parenting uses movies to teach parents how to meet core needs, and, at the same time, how to avoid passing down their own dysfunctional behaviors. Schema Therapy has been successful with adults, but I have always wanted to see someone do something on preventing schemas, or Lifetraps, in children, and here it is!” ~ Dr Jeffrey Young Dept of Psychiatry, Columbia University, USA Founder, Schema Therapy

SESSION SIX: IMPAIRED LIMITS and THE CORE NEED OF REASONABLE LIMITS

Lifetraps Stemming from Impaired Limits 13. Entitlement 14. Insufficient Self-Control 15. Approval Seeking

Maladaptive Schemas (Lifetraps) contrasted with Adaptive or Positive Traits Entitlement / Grandiosity vs Reciprocity & Fairness Insufficient Self-Control / Self-Discipline vs Self-Control & Self-Discipline Approval Seeking vs Mutuality

They challenge me in a respectful and loving manner when I get out of control, such as when I am angry or impulsive. They guide and encourage me to persevere with a task even when I feel frustrated. They challenge me when I get out of line in my behaviour and words.

They encourage me to consider multiple factors to avoid making a rash decision. They guide me when I do things and say words that would hurt others. They say “no” when it is the best for me, in a firm, but not in a harsh way. They do not let me have my own way all the time. They expect me to be responsible and contribute to the well-being of our home, such as by doing chores.

When parents meet the core emotional need of reasonable limits, the child will develop some or all of the following traits and beliefs: reciprocity, fairness and equality, self-control and selfdiscipline, a sense of mutuality.

Reasonable Limits Read Hebrews 12: 14 -17, Gen 26: 34 -35, 27: 4145, 28: 6 -9 • What does the writer in Hebrew say about Esau? • What did his parents do that prevented him in learning how to be self-controlled?

• Did Esau ever learn to persevere with a task when it got too difficult? • How many women did Esau marry by the time he was forty years old? What does this reveal about his character? • How did Esau handle anger and conflict with his brother? • Did Isaac pass down good moral values to Esau through the years? • Esau was not that disturbed when he did not please his parents, seen in Gen 26: 34 -35. How could this have come about? Could his lack of closeness to his mother and being outdoors a lot contributed to this over the years?

Boundaries When the core need of reasonable limits is not met, it is a question of boundaries.

WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?

SOVEREIGNTY Sovereignty over a nation = National boundaries Bully nations; others at the mercy of their neighbours; territorial issues… Personal Sovereignty = personal property, ourselves, parental; bullies, the “picked on”.

WAS THIS CORE NEED MET IN YOUR LIFE?

Meeting this core need can mean the difference between a HAPPY CHILD eager to learn & give to her world or…

A child who feels: “I’M NOT HAPPY and IT’S EVERYONE ELSE’S FAULT!”

CHARACTER IS (ALMOST) EVERYTHING Most of our problems result from our own character weaknesses. A person’s character is his/her destiny. Meeting the Core Need of “Reasonable Limits” gives our children character!

PREVENTATIVE MEDICINE Grandma used to say, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure…” ********* Meeting the Core Need of “Adequate Limits” is PREVENTATIVE MEDICINE!

Danger of not meeting these Core Needs: • Inability to say no to hurtful people • Inability to set limits on hurtful behaviour from others • Experiencing life as a victim • Disorganization and lack of followthrough • Inability to hear “no” from others • Inability to delay gratification

Movie Moment Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (Gene Wilder)

Kids Need Healthy Limits! Otherwise they develop a self-absorbed character such as the one described in II Timothy 3

II Timothy 3 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.

The opposite of Colossians 3: 12 12 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

When this core need is met, your children will have a better chance of being: • Loving (Unselfish) • Responsible • Free (No “victim” mentality)

• Initiating • Respectful of Reality (Sowing and Reaping) • Growing

• Truthful • Humble (Understanding they are not the center of the universe) Love your children enough to meet this crucial Core Need!

Do Not Enter • Barrier To Entry #1 Parents today feel guilty • Barrier To Entry #2 Parents overreact to their own childhood • Barrier To Entry #3 Parents lean toward “all grace”, rather than “grace and truth”

Do Not Enter • Barrier To Entry #4 Parents think their kids will develop limits by themselves • Barrier To Entry #5 Parents want to avoid conflicts at home • Barrier To Entry #6 Parents want to be liked by their children • Barrier To Entry #7 Parents are just too busy

Movie Moment The Sound of Music Illustrates Authoritarian Parenting style

Movie Moment Mean Girls Lindsay Lohan, Rachel Mc. Adams Illustrates Permissive Parenting style

Movie Moment Raising Helen Illustrates Good-Enough Parenting Sometimes parents have to be the “bad guy”

Ephesians 6: 1 -4 1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2"Honor your father and mother" —which is the first commandment with a promise— 3"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. " 4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

ENGAGING COOPERATION One of the built in frustrations of parenthood is the daily struggle to get our children to behave in ways that are acceptable to us and to society.

ENGAGING COOPERATION • Kids don’t feel the need to wash their hands, say “please” or “thank you”, do their homework or even wear underwear! • We feel the need! • The battle is often between “I’ll do what I want!” and “You’ll do as I say!”

Common UNHELPFUL STATEMENTS which are counterproductive to ENGAGING COOPERATION • • • Warnings Blaming and Accusing • The Quiet Name-Calling Commands Treatment • Sarcasm Threats • Comparisons Lecturing and Moralizing • Prophecy

Five Tips for Engaging Cooperation • Describe what you see (the problem) “There’s a wet towel on the bed. ” • Give Information “The towel is getting my blanket wet. ” • Say it with a Word “The towel. ” • Talk about Your feelings “I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed. ” • Write a note – hand above the towel rack: “Please put me back so I can dry. Thanks, your towel”

I. DESCRIBE Describe what you see or describe the problem

Instead of…

How about…

Instead of…

How about…

It’s hard to do what needs to be done when people are telling you what’s wrong with you. It’s easier to concentrate on the problem when someone just describes it to you.

II. Give Information

Instead of…

How about…

Instead of…

How about…

Information is a lot easier to take than accusation.

III. Say it with a word

Instead of

Describe

Instead of

Describe

Look at the contrast between the effect of the long paragraph and the effect of a single word “less is more!”

IV. Talk about your feelings Make no comment about the child’s character or personality

Instead of…

How about…

Instead of…

How about…

Children are entitled to hear their parents’ honest feelings. By describing what we feel, we can be genuine without being hurtful.

V. Write a note

Sometimes nothing we say is as effective as the written word. The note below was written by a father who was tired of cleaning his daughter’s long hairs from the sink drain. Write a note “Help! Hairs in my drain give me a pain. Glug, your stopped up sink. ”

This was written by a working mother who taped it to the family TV set. Write a note “Before you turn this on – THINK – Have I done my homework? Have I practiced? ”

This note was hung on the back of a bedroom door. It was a two-sided sign that netted two tired parents an extra hour of sleep on Sunday morning. When they were ready to let the children in, they flipped the sign over. Write a note “Shhh! Mommy and Daddy are sleeping. ”

Write a note “Hi! Come on in! Love, Mom and Dad”

Parents supply money, priveleges, The SOURCE possessions, etc…

IF THE SOURCE (THE PARENTS) GIVES WITHOUT BOUNDARIES, CHILDREN: • FEEL “ENTITLED” • BECOME SELF-CENTERED AND DEMANDING • UNGRATEFULNESS BECOMES A CHARACTER PATTERN • WILL NOT KNOW HOW TO SAY “NO” OR SET LIMITS ON THEMSELVES

Lifetrap -Entitlement When the core needs of “Stable Base & Predictability” and “Reasonable Limits” are not met, kids do not develop healthy boundaries and they usually develop the Lifetrap of ENTITLEMENT.

Entitlement The core message of the entitlement / grandiosity lifetrap is, “I am special and better than other people. Rules should not apply to me. I should always come first. ” This lifetrap is based in a desire for power and control.

Lifetrap – Entitlement Veruka Salt from Willy Wonka is an example of a child with extreme Entitlement as a result of her parents being enablers. Children also become entitled by modeling after their parents

Movie Moment When Did You Last See Your Father? Entitled parent…

Proverbs No wonder Solomon wrote: Proverbs 13: 24 24 He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.

Proverbs 16: 5 5 The LORD detests all the proud of heart. Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished. Proverbs 16: 18 18 Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.

Movie Moment The Bucket List Entitled kids become entitled adults…

Lifetrap – Entitlement The Lifetrap of ENTITLEMENT shows up in the rich and the poor, the powerful and the weak, but no matter who you are, it ruins your relationships.

People with the Entitlement Lifetrap believe that what they want or need should always be a priority. It is okay for them to cheat on their spouse, and they minimize it. They do not need to fasten the seat belt when the plane is taking off, they can park illegally, and they generally get angry when they do not get their way.

Entitled individuals do not care if getting their way disadvantages others. They will change the rules when playing a game. As long as they win, that is what matters.

Movie Therapy The Last King of Scotland Rules don’t apply to me, hate to hear the word “No”

Movie Moment • The Last King of Scotland • Rules don’t apply to me, • hate to hear the word “No”

Processing…

Movie Moment Singles Magical Thinking Cannot take feedback

Lifetrap – Insufficient Self-Control When the core need of “Reasonable Limits” are not met, kids do not learn limits and they often develop the Lifetrap of INSUFFICIENT SELFCONTROL.

Insufficient Self-Control The core message of the insufficient self-control / self-discipline lifetrap is, “I should not be uncomfortable. ” This lifetrap leads people to express their emotion negatively, avoid difficult tasks, and give in to temptation. This lifetrap interferes with healthy adult behavior of reciprocity in relationship and setting and achieving goals.

Movie Moment Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory Gene Wilder, Jack Robertson No Limits produces the Lifetrap of Insufficient Self-Control & Entitlement

Lifetrap – INSUFFICIENT SELF-CONTROL Grown-ups with the Lifetrap of INSUFFICIENT SELF-CONTROL may have a hard time holding a job or struggle with sexual issues.

Movie Moment When Did You Last See Your Father? The Lifetrap of Insufficient Self-Control

Movie Moment Angela’s Ashes

Lifetrap – Approval Seeking When the core need of Reasonable Limits is not met, such as when the parents are Entitled themselves, or abusive, and are not providing stability, children often develop the Lifetrap of APPROVAL SEEKING.

Approval Seeking The core message of the approval seeking lifetrap is, “I must seek the approval of others above all else. If other people do not approve of me, something is very wrong. ” This pattern of thinking is about defining who we are through the eyes of others rather than paying attention to our own needs and desires.

Movie Moment • When a Man Loves a Woman Andy Garcia, Meg Ryan Mother comes home drunk…

Lifetrap – Approval Seeking The mother couldn’t meet her daughter’s need for STABILITY or PREDICTABILITY, nor could she provide REASONABLE LIMITS because she herself was the abuser. The child only wanted to please the mother, and felt so confused.

Basic Safety when meeting the Core Emotional Need of Reasonable Limits

Internet Danger Protect your children! Computer, TV, video game, etc Phone usage – when where how much “Oh be careful little ears what you hear…” Media = The Other Parent Porn and other scary findings… www. kids-in-mind. com

• An extremely important component of basic Safety for this core need revolves around protecting your child from the dangers of early/inappropriate exposure to sex and violence. In particular, this is related to dangers on the Internet (porn, revealing too much on social networking sites, lurking paedophiles, scams, inappropriate You. Tube videos, and the like), to listening to inappropriate song lyrics, and to inappropriate and sexually explicit books, movies, and TV shows.

• Parents need to understand how the use of video games, particularly those that emphasise violence and sexuality, and the Internet without limits can have dire consequences that may scar their children for life. How can we put healthy limits in our children given the devastation that the Internet can cause them? This is not something that should be taken lightly.

conducted in Singapore, published by the American Academy of Pediatrics (2009), which found the strongest factor associated with early teenage sexual intercourse for male adolescents was viewing pornography for between 14 and 19 years of age. This finding agreed with another study conducted in Sweden with boys between 17 -21 years of age (Reference no. 12) Most of the boys who viewed pornography use the Internet (59%) as the main source, followed by videos (19%) and mobile phones (14%).

• Parents who doubt whether they should limit their children’s “screen time” have to ask themselves if they are happy with their children being raised by “the other parent”. “The other parent”, (from the name of the book authored by James P. Steyer and Chelsea Clinton (2003), which we recommend) is another name for all the media our children are being exposed to. This “other parent” condones the following (indirectly and/or directly):

• Sex outside of marriage, even without having any commitment • Flirting is fine, even if you are married • Children need to be allowed more freedom • Strict parents are old-fashioned • Material things buy happiness • Looks are much more important than character

• Women are objects to be used and thrown away • Drunkenness, drugs and the like are part of growing up • Aggressive and violent behaviour is no big deal • Killing people is part and parcel of everyday life.

DISCIPLINE AND CONSEQUENCES

TYPES of DISCIPLINE • • Effective Time-Outs Removing of Privileges Spanking (not if you were abused) Using Rewards

TYPES of DISCIPLINE (as children age) • • • Natural Consequences Logical Consequences Parental Consequences Nipping (behaviors) in the Bud Lowering the Boom Appropriate Alternatives

Spanking • Spanking should be from 18 months / 2 years (depending on the child’s development) till the age of nine (9).

• This is a controversial area…people lump abuse and discipline into one category. • A child is like an adult but there are differences in how they think… • Today’s climate of “freedom” has really diluted many biblical principles…

Spanking • In 2001, New York Times published an article about spanking… • “In it, Dr. Diana Baumrind of the University of California, asserted that social scientists had overstepped the evidence in claiming that spanking caused lasting harm to the child.

• ''The scientific case against the use of normative physical punishment is a leaky dike, not a solid edifice, '' Dr. Baumrind said. • Dr. Baumrind, a psychologist known for her classic studies of authoritative, authoritarian and permissive styles of child-rearing, said she did not advocate spanking.

• But she argued that an occasional swat, when delivered in the context of good child-rearing, had not been shown to do any harm.

Spanking vs Abuse The studies cited by opponents of corporal punishment, Dr. Baumrind contended, often do not adequately distinguish the effects of spanking, as practiced by nonabusive parents, from the impact of severe physical punishment and abuse.

Nor do they consider other factors that might account for problems later in life, like whether parents are rejecting or whether defiant or aggressive children might be more likely to be spanked in the first place. "

What do we do when they after the age of nine? • Discipline is not just about spanking. It is about the parents taking measures to cause the child to learn some important principles about being developing character and being responsible.

Behavior is a result of a. The child’s temperament b. Having their core needs met c. Other influences – environment, birth order, tragedies…

• Discipline is not for those involved in very serious crimes – drug users, alcohol abuse… • It is for normal families made up of normal parents who mess up occasionally…

By the time they reach the age of nine, they should have learned the following: 1. Pay attention to what parents say. 2. Do as parents tell you.

They need to see and learn the following by then: A. See you as an authority figure. B. See that bad choices have terrible consequences…

A. Seeing You An the Authority Many children do not make it to this stage by the time they reach 9 years old, then life gets tough…

This is a role that you gave you. Eph 6: 1 -4 Your primary role is to be a parent, not a friend (balance this with the emphasis on emotional connection. )

B. See that bad choices have terrible consequences… The law of sowing and reaping (Galatians 6: 1 -10)

• When they have seen you as an authority figure/understand the need to make good choices, then by the time they reach nine/ten, then you will be able to make the shift from authority to being a mentor / coach. • If they do not reach the first then you have to brace yourself for some difficult times ahead…

• When they are past this stage they will still need to please God and you as well and make choices for themselves. • Nothing wrong with making choices to please parents. We have to learn to please God for the rest of our adult lives, too.

2 Cor 5: 9 9 So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it.

Consequences… 1. Consequences should match with the offense, not too huge and not too trivial… 2. Maintain good healthy emotional connection always (once a week for each child by each parent). When relationship is good, then they would not want to jeopardize this and it will help them to take your values on board. Consequences will be minimal.

• No matter what happens consequences will have to come into play at some point… • Many parents feel guilty or ashamed. Then they will either overcompensate or avoid or surrender.

Doing chores at home should be normal, and generally kids should not be paid for this – it is part of being a family, part of being in a community. Rewards – pocket money. It comes as a privilege with good behavior, or for extra chores.

Differentiate between your tastes and bad decisions/behavior. E, g, Hair styles Music (with limits( Food Sports / CCA School subjects

• Overcompensating = Micromanagement • Avoidance = Permissive • Surrender = Guilt

When authority and choices are not established by the age of nine then parents overreact and micromanage, or counterattack, or avoid, or surrender. This breeds resentments, anger, rebellion…especially when there is no emotional connection either.

Infraction Penalty Homework not done Pornography No TV weekend No computer use Chores not done No going out with friends Grounded 2 weeks Serious lying

Rewards for good behavior Studies, honesty, integrity… Parents must walk the talk, not just talk the talk… Don’t discipline for not having QTs…rather teach the value, let them see how your QT changes you, how close you are with God, and do QTs with your children frequently.

Teenproofing Eliminate constant fighting… Just set your limits and move on. Never mind who gets the last word… Let consequences do the teaching… it is powerful.

As they get older – issues like dating • Their values should set them in the right direction. • Church makes a huge difference. Talk often about what happens when people get married and don’t have the same values.

Common Mistakes 1. 2. 3. 4. Parents not unified Punishment doesn’t fit the crime Focusing on the lesser things Lack of CPR: Consistency, Predictability, Reliability

Movie Moment When a Man Loves a Woman Andy Garcia, Meg Ryan Mistakes parents make when trying to discipline…

Common Mistakes 1. 2. 3. 4. Parents not unified Punishment doesn’t fit the crime Focusing on the lesser things Lack of CPR: Consistency, Predictability, Reliability

Great Example Imitate this teacher as he meets the core need of “Reasonable Limits” and helps to prevent or lessen the impact of the lifetraps of Entitlement & Insufficient Self-Control.

Movie Moment • The Ron Clark Story • See how a teacher handles his class. • Notice how he… • SAYS WHAT HE MEANS § Clarifies Rules and Consequences • MEANS WHAT HE SAYS § Enforces Rules with Consequences

A family with Adequate/ Reasonable Limits is a HAPPY FAMILY!

RECOMMENDED READING • BOUNDARIES WITH KIDS by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend • FAMILY FIRST by Dr. Phil Mc. Graw • I REFUSE TO RAISE A BRAT by Marilu Henner • TEENPROOFING By John Rosemond Anything by Dr. James Dobson • HOW TO TALK SO YOUR KIDS WILL LISTEN by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

End of Session Six Next session: Lifetraps Stemming from Exaggerated Expectations and the Core Need of “Realistic Expectations”