IMPROVING EXTENDED WRITING ACROSS THE KLAS STAGE 6

IMPROVING EXTENDED WRITING ACROSS THE KLAS STAGE 6 Introduction for GTHS

WHAT WE KNOW IS HAPPENING Unsustained responses (short, lacking length and detail) Disorganised responses – lack of structure, topic sentences, flags, introductions, conclusions etc. Responses lacking detail, examples, evidence, explanation and elaboration.

WHAT WE KNOW IS HAPPENING CONT. … Responses lacking sophisticated language structures: no complex sentences no linking of ideas no use of noun groups no use of nominalisation simple statements rather than arguments lack of elaboration no use of the academic voice use of past tense instead of present use of “spoken-like” language not “written-like” language

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE SPOKEN AND WRITTEN CONTINUUM Spoken Language appears disorganised, circular and implicit Written language is highly organised, linear, economical and explicit. Written language tends to use more content words per clause and fewer reference words external to the text. Written language is used more sparingly, meanings are abstracted, nouns represent actions and processes, qualities, and attributes instead of concrete things. One end is not better than the other end – students need to discuss and understand texts they are working with as well as prepare for the writing of their own texts.

MOVING BEYOND THE SCAFFOLD Intro Essay Structure Body Conclusion

A LITTLE MORE DETAIL Para 1 (Love) Body Para 2 (Hate) Para 3 (Revenge)

SCAFFOLDING T (topic Sentence) X (explain) Intro Body Conclusion Paragraph 1 X (expand) X(example) E (elaborate) C (Conclude)

WHAT ARE SOME GRAMMATICAL STRUCTURES THAT WORK? 1. Text structure – detailed, comprehensive and modelled 2. Given/new – removes the tendency to fall into narrative and retelling 3. Sentences – simple, compound and complex 4. Noun groups, adverbial groups, adjectival groups - allows students to pack sentences with information and to bury an opinion 5. Cohesion – hanging the writing together with a seamless, sophisticated approach. 6. Nominalisation – making our voice authoritative and removing the objective tone. 7. Passive voice – academic register – this removes the ability to challenge the ideas, concepts and assertions.

1. STRUCTURING A PARAGRAPH Topic Sentence – what is theme position? Explain – Cause/effect, compare/contrast, etc Expand – compound/complex sentences, cohesion. Example – evidence, quotes, real life examples. Elaborate – what is the effect of all this? Why does it matter? Use of noun groups, nominalization. Concluding sentence – re-position reader, packed sentence with a given and new link to the next paragraph.

2. GIVEN AND NEW Given The manipulation of the audiences responses to the kangaroos through the deliberate invocation of emotions is the result of the narrative structure of the documentary. New This structure influences the viewer through the construction of supposed facts as a story. The viewer is positioned by the character The narrations states “Eucalypt gently evaluation that is evident in the coaxes with her hand” while columbine documentary throughout the entire film. offers “no guiding hand to help”. The metaphor of the hand, which represents mothering, is a tool used by the filmmakers to impose their ideology on the viewer. The audience is then forced into a position of agreement with the film makers.

3. SENTENCES Better Tasks –show extension of simple sentences Uses compound and complex sentences Experiments with basic structure in complex sentences. Uses a variety of sentence types and lengths, varied length and rhythm of sentences, Uses sentence variety for effect – length and rhythm Increased elaboration and extension Stylistically appropriate choices. Cause and effect sentences Time connectives Well controlled sentences with sophisticated punctuation Stylistically appropriate choices, sustained, complex sentences, simple sentences for effect, verbless sentences, adjectival, adverbial, multiple, non-finite.

4. COMPLEX NOMINAL, ADVERBIAL AND ADJECTIVAL GROUPS This is the grouping of nouns, verbs and adjectives that take a sentence from simplex to complex and allows the writer to move from the personal to the impersonal and the subjective to the objective. Most importantly word groups allow a young writer to move from “speech-like” structures, to the formal academic register. E. g: ‘The Emmy award winning documentary’; ‘The eastern grey kangaroos’.

5. WHAT IS COHESION? This is the control of threads through a text. Multiple types of threads – referring words (them, it, these, they, he, she), ellipsis, text connectives, substitutions and word association. Better texts do all these very well and it is a powerful skill to give students. Word association to avoid repetition e. g. : safe haven, habitat, sanctuary, enclosure. Sophisticated connectives – however, although, therefore, additionally, instead, even though, finally in saying this. . Temporal conjunctions – when, now, meanwhile etc. Causal – conditional conjunctions (very important) Comparative conjunctions Additional conjunctions – also, furthermore, moreover, as well. Exemplify/Show results – such as, consequently, for instance, including, as a result etc.

6. NOMINALISATION Academic writing frequently uses nominalisations; that is, the noun forms of verbs. The process of nominalisation turns verbs (actions or events) into nouns (things, concepts or people). The text is now no longer describing actions: it is focused on objects or concepts; for example

7. PASSIVE VOICE Often in academic writing, we don't want to focus on who is doing an action, but on who is receiving or experiencing the action. The passive voice is thus extremely useful in academic writing because it allows writers to highlight the most important participants or events within sentences by placing them at the beginning of the sentence. In addition, in academic writing sometimes it is obvious, irrelevant or repetitive to state who the 'doer' of the sentence is: thus the passive voice is a useful way to construct these types of sentences. It is also a way that the use of informal personal pronouns can be avoided. Sometimes in academic writing it might be expedient to use the passive voice in order to avoid naming the 'doer' of an action so that the message of your text is less inflammatory. The text in the active voice focuses on the 'doers', that is society, rather than on women, the people acted on by the actions of others. The tone of the text is also much more political and accusatory: for example 'Society has. . . confined women. . . and excluded them‘. The passive voice would reword this to: “the confinement of women and their subsequent exclusion has led to……

HOW DO WE MOVE A PIECE OF WRITING FROM A SPOKEN REGISTER TO AN ACADEMIC ONE? Starting point – The first paragraph of a Standard English Essay (after the Introduction) John Foulcher’s poem Summer Rain has very different ideas about Belonging than Peter Skrzynecki’s work. Foulcher describes rush hour traffic: ‘cars clutter on the highway like abacus beads. ’ The consonance here gives the poem a harsh edge that shows the unpleasantness of this situation. Foulcher makes the suburban environment seem like a harsh and unpleasant place where people don’t really belong.

STEP 1: PARAGRAPH STRUCTURE TXXXXC – Re-write Feedback to the student: - Rewrite the topic sentence giving a clear indication of what the differences are – make a theme statement. - Use three sentences to expand, elaborate and example the ideas of the topic sentence – both poets need to be addressed. - Add a concluding sentence to the paragraph that positions the reader and links to the next paragraph.

WORKED EXAMPLE - TXXXC John Foulcher’s poem Summer Rain has very different ideas about the concept of belonging than Peter Skrzynecki’s work, Fulcher makes the suburban environment seem like a harsh place where people don’t really belong and Skrzynecki shows that it is people who are important. Foulcher describes rush hour traffic: ‘cars clutter on the highway like abacus beads. ’ The consonance here gives the poem a harsh edge that shows the unpleasantness of this situation. Skrzynecki’s does this differently and makes us believe through his use of words like “home”, “lovingly” and “tended” that the human connection is the most important one. Both poets show us their differing views of belonging in different ways.

STEP 2: GIVEN AND NEW Given and New – rewrite Feedback to student: “Remember when we looked at Narelle’s work on “Faces in the Mob” and she used that clever way of starting a sentence with the thought from the end of the previous sentence. Try that with this paragraph and bring it back to me. ”

WORKED SAMPLE – GIVEN AND NEW John Foulcher’s poem Summer Rain has very different ideas about the concept of belonging than Peter Skrzynecki’s work. Whereas Foulcher makes the suburban environment seem like a harsh place where people don’t really belong, Skrzynecki shows that it is people who are important. The importance of people contrasts with Foulcher’s description of rush hour traffic: ‘cars clutter on the highway like abacus beads. ’, and we see the harsh edge of a society. The harshness of the consonance sound here shows the unpleasantness of this situation. Skrzynecki on the other hand portrays a positive situation and makes us believe through his use of words like “home”, “tended” and “lovingly” that the human connection is the most important one, as well as a more positive experience than Foulcher’s sense of society. Both poets show us their differing views of belonging in different ways.

STEP 3: NOMINAL, ADJECTIVAL AND ADVERBIAL GROUPS Move the vocab into the written register – use more explicit noun groups and replacing spoken-like words with written-like words. Feedback to students: “Much better, now remember when Narelle used those groups of nouns, adverbs and adjectives to move her writing about the kangaroos into more written-like language – give that a go with just a few words and see how you go. For example “harsh and isolated existence could become harsh, isolated and lonely existence”.

WORKED EXAMPLE – NOUN GROUPS John Foulcher’s poem Summer Rain has very different ideas about the concept of belonging than Peter Skrzynecki’s work. Whereas Foulcher makes the suburban environment seem like a harsh, lonely, isolated place where people don’t really belong, Skrzynecki shows that it is people who are important. The importance of people contrasts with Foulcher’s description of rush hour traffic: ‘cars clutter on the highway like abacus beads. ’, and we see the harsh edge of a society. The harshness of the consonance sound here shows the unpleasantness of this situation. Skrzynecki on the other hand portrays a positive situation and makes us believe through his use of words like “home”, “tended” and “lovingly” that the human connection is the most important one, as well as a more positive experience than Foulcher’s sense of society. Both poets show us their differing views of belonging in different ways.

STEP 4: COHESION Using more sophisticated ways of linking sentences. Feedback to Student: “Using this list of words can you rework that paragraph by changing some of your words for these? ” Whereas, while, however, both, likewise, in contrast, therefore, on the other hand.

WORKED SAMPLE - COHESION John Foulcher’s poem Summer Rain has very different ideas about Belonging than Peter Skrzynecki’s work. Whereas Foulcher makes the suburban environment seem like a harsh place where people don’t really belong, in contrast, Skrzynecki shows that it is people who are important. The importance of people contrasts with Foulcher’s description of rush hour traffic: ‘cars clutter on the highway like abacus beads. ’, and we see the harsh edge of a society. The harshness of the consonance sound here shows the unpleasantness of this situation. Skrzynecki on the other hand portrays a positive situation and makes us believe through his use of words like “home”, “lovingly” and “tended” that the human connection is the most important one, as well as a more positive experience than Fulcher’s sense of society. Both poets show us their differing views of belonging in different ways.

STEP 5: NOMINALISATION Turning some of our verbs into nouns. Feedback to Student: “Remember we talked about turning some of your verbs into nouns” Try using some of these words in your paragraph exploration, emphasis, existence and representation.

WORKED SAMPLE – NOMINALISATION The exploration of belonging in both John Foulcher’s poem “Summer Rain” and Peter Skrzynecki’s Poem “ 10 Mary Street” differ in their assertions. While Foulcher portrays the suburban environment as a harsh, isolated and lonely existence where people don’t really belong, in contrast, Skrzynecki demonstrates the importance of people and place in the creation of a strong sense of belonging. This emphasis on people, relationships and family connections contrasts strongly with Foulcher’s description of rush hour traffic: ‘cars clutter on the highway like abacus beads. ’, and we see clearly the harsh edge of society. The harshness of the consonance sound in this line shows the unpleasantness of our modern, commercialised existence. Skrzynecki on the other hand uses words like “home”, “lovingly” and “well-oiled lock” to demonstrate that a positive sense of connection and belonging is indeed reliant upon family, place and relationships. The representation of these connections, contrast enormously with Foulcher’s sense of a shallow, futile and disconnected society, highlighting to a reader their very different views on belonging.

6. PASSIVE VOICE Identifying the passive academic voice Feedback to student: Can you highlight where you have been able to use a passive register in this paragraph?

WORKED SAMPLE - PASSIVE VOICE AND EVERYTHING ELSE The exploration of belonging in both John Foulcher’s poem “Summer Rain” and Peter Skrzynecki’s Poem “ 10 Mary Street” differ in their assertions. Whereas Foulcher portrays the suburban environment as a harsh, isolated and lonely existence where people don’t really belong, in contrast, Skrzynecki demonstrates the importance of people and place in the creation of a strong sense of belonging. This emphasis on people, relationships and family connections contrasts strongly with Foulcher’s description of rush hour traffic: ‘cars clutter on the highway like abacus beads. ’, and we see clearly the harsh edge of society. The harshness of the consonance sound in this line shows the unpleasantness of our modern, commercialised existence. Skrzynecki on the other hand uses words like “home”, “lovingly” and “well-oiled lock” to demonstrate that a positive sense of connection and belonging is indeed reliant upon family, place and relationships. The representation of these connections, contrast enormously with Foulcher’s sense of a shallow, futile and disconnected society, highlighting to a reader their very different view s on belonging.

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