I cant I wont You cant make me

“I can’t”, “I won’t”, “You can’t make me!”: Meltdowns, Shutdown, and Regulation 1

Presentation - Objectives • The Collaborative Problem Solving model: guiding principles • The link between problem behaviors and missing skills • Effective interventions vs. unproductive explanations TM 2

Choosing the Collaborative Problem Solving Model TM Children do well if they can…. TM 4

Children Do Well If They Can TM …if they can’t, we adults need to figure out what’s getting in the way, so we can help 5

Skills that support the 3 Rs : self-Regulation, Relationship and Resilience TM • • • Thinking skills Executive skills Emotion regulation skills Communication skills Social skills Sensory-motor skills 6

When skills are missing • Troubling behaviors may occur in the face of a problem • Behaviors can be extreme and cause for alarm: – Kicking, hitting, spitting, screaming, profanity, throwing, breaking, etc. • Behaviors can be milder and cause for concern: – Hiding, refusal, withdrawn, crying, etc. 7

Behavior is the clue, not the problem TM • Meltdowns, tantrums, explosions and shutdowns: consider this is code language • “Something critical is missing for me in this moment” and • “I don’t know how to get what’s missing” 8

A different view: Problem Behavior = A Missing Skill or an Unsolved Problem 9

A different view: • A problem behavior often is an attempt to solve a problem in the face of lagging skills 10

Skills That May Be Lagging • • • Regulating emotion Expressing concerns and needs Handling transitions Thinking flexibly without getting “stuck” Taking into account the point of view of another person • Generating multiple solutions • Having a sense of time; being able to wait 11

Assessment of Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems • Parent input: listen for the missing skills in the stories of behaviors and problem situations • Teacher input: what are the likely, predictable problems that occur • The stories will point you to the lagging skills 12

Prioritize and Plan • What are the top 3 lagging skills? • What will you address first: – The easiest? – The most problematic? • Get agreement from the team – These are the lagging skills we are going to address for now – Not those others at this time • How will we teach new skills? 13

Opportunities Abound to Address a Lagging Skill • Before a predictable problem situation occurs • Situations in which unmet expectations occur AND not yet in a meltdown 14

Our Response to Unmet Expectations Plan A: Impose adult will Plan B*: Collaborative Problem Solving Plan C: Drop it for now 15

Our Response to Unmet Expectations Plan A: Impose adult will Plan B: Plan C: 16

Plan A: Impose Adult Will • • • “No” “You must” “You can’t” “ 1 -2 -3” “I’m the decider” “You’re grounded” No more computer time! “You better stop or else” If you want your allowance, you’ll do it Plan A is one way to pursue adult expectations. 17

Plan A: Imposing Will • • Pursues adult expectations Does not teach missing skills Does not result in a durable solution Does not create affinity in the relationship 18

Our Response to Unmet Expectations Plan A: Impose adult will Plan B: Plan C: Drop it (for now, at least) 19

Plan C: Drop it (for now, at least) • “Okay” 20

Plan C: Drop it (for now, at least) • Reduces meltdowns or challenging behaviors • Builds relationship - child feels you understand • Does not pursue adult expectations • Does not teach skills • Does not result in a durable solution (Plan C may be used as part of overall strategy for a highly explosive child) 21

Our Response to Unmet Expectations Plan A: Impose adult will Plan B: Collaborative Problem Solving Plan C: Drop it (for now, at least) 22

Plan B Collaborative Problem Solving • 1. Empathy & Reassurance • 2. Define the Problem • 3. Invitation 23

Plan B Collaborative Problem Solving • 1. Empathy & Reassurance • 2. • 3. 24

1. Empathy and Reassurance • Get the child’s concern on the table Reassure the child that his/her concern will not be “blown off the table” 25

Plan B Collaborative Problem Solving • 1. Empathy & Reassurance • 2. Define the Problem • 3. 26

2. Define the Problem • Identify and summarize both the adult’s and the child’s specific concerns 27

Plan B Collaborative Problem Solving • 1. Empathy & Reassurance • 2. Define the Problem • 3. Invitation 28

3. Invitation • Let’s figure this out together • How can we make it work for you and for me? Note: Don’t be a genius! 29

Review: Our Response to Unmet Expectations Plan A: Impose adult will Plan B: Collaborative Problem Solving Plan C: Drop it for now 30

A B C Chart PLAN Pursue Expectations Reduce Meltdowns Teach Lagging Skills A Adult imposes will on child B Both collaborate on finding a solution C Child’s perspective: Expectations are reduced or removed 31

A B C Chart PLAN Pursue Expectations Reduce Meltdowns Teach Lagging Skills A Adult imposes will on child B Both collaborate on finding a solution C Child’s perspective: Expectations are reduced or removed 32

A B C Chart PLAN Pursue Expectations Reduce Meltdowns Teach Lagging Skills A Adult imposes will on child B Both collaborate on finding a solution C Child’s perspective: Expectations are reduced or removed 33

A B C Chart PLAN Pursue Expectations Reduce Meltdowns Teach Lagging Skills A Adult imposes will on child B Both collaborate on finding a solution C Child’s perspective: Expectations are reduced or removed 34

A B C Chart PLAN Pursue Expectations Reduce Meltdowns Teach Lagging Skills A Adult imposes will on child B Both collaborate on finding a solution C Child’s perspective: Expectations are reduced or removed 35

A B C Chart PLAN Pursue Expectations Reduce Meltdowns Teach Lagging Skills A Adult imposes will on child B Both collaborate on finding a solution C Child’s perspective: Expectations are reduced or removed 36

A B C Chart PLAN Pursue Expectations Reduce Meltdowns Teach Lagging Skills A Adult imposes will on child B Both collaborate on finding a solution C Child’s perspective: Expectations are reduced or removed 37

A B C Chart PLAN Pursue Expectations Reduce Meltdowns Teach Lagging Skills A Adult imposes will on child B Both collaborate on finding a solution C Child’s perspective: Expectations are reduced or removed 38

A B C Chart PLAN Pursue Expectations Reduce Meltdowns Teach Lagging Skills A Adult imposes will on child B Both collaborate on finding a solution C Child’s perspective: Expectations are reduced or removed 39

A B C Chart PLAN Pursue Expectations Reduce Meltdowns Teach Lagging Skills A Adult imposes will on child B Both collaborate on finding a solution C Child’s perspective: Expectations are reduced or removed 40

Your explanation guides your intervention 41

“Dead End” Explanations • • He just wants attention She is stubborn He never listens She just wants control Teenagers are disrespectful He is autistic She has attachment disorder 42

Explanations Guide Actions DEAD END EXPLANATION: He just wants attention ACTION: Ignore him PLAN B EXPLANATION: He doesn’t know how to control his impulses ACTION: Build this skill 43

Explanations Guide Actions DEAD END EXPLANATION: She just wants control ACTION: Don’t give her what she wants or she will take over. PLAN B EXPLANATION: She doesn’t know how to take the perspective of the other person. ACTION: Build this skill 44

Explanations Guide Actions DEAD END EXPLANATION: He has autism ACTION: Lower your expectations PLAN B EXPLANATION: He doesn’t know how to ask for what he wants ACTION: Build this skill 45

“Dead End” Explanations Lead to These Likely Actions • • She is stubborn: insist louder He never listens: use rewards and consequences Teenagers are disrespectful: ground them She has attachment disorder: show her who is the boss 46

An Empowering Explanation • There is a lagging or missing skill • There is an unsolved problem 47

Unsolved Problem = • Two concerns that have yet to be reconciled 48

Video Presentation “Conversation in the Sun Room” 49

A B C Chart PLAN Pursue Expectations Reduce Meltdowns Teach Skills A Adult imposes will on child B Both collaborate on finding a solution C Child’s perspective: Expectations are reduced or removed 50

A B C Chart PLAN Pursue Expectations Reduce Meltdowns Teach Skills A Adult imposes will on child B Both collaborate on finding a solution C Child’s perspective: Expectations are reduced or removed 51

A B C Chart PLAN Pursue Expectations Reduce Meltdowns Teach Skills A Adult imposes will on child B Both collaborate on finding a solution C Child’s perspective: Expectations are reduced or removed 52

A B C Chart PLAN Pursue Expectations Reduce Meltdowns Teach Skills A Adult imposes will on child B Both collaborate on finding a solution C Child’s perspective: Expectations are reduced or removed 53

Plan B Teaches Skills • • Staying calm enough to think Expressing own point of view Taking into account other’s point of view Finding a realistic and mutually satisfactory solution 54

Behavior is the clue, not the problem TM • Meltdowns, tantrums, explosions and shutdowns: consider this is code language • “Something critical is missing for me in this moment” (Lagging or missing skills) and • “I don’t know how to get what’s missing” (Teach new skills) 55

Your explanation guides your intervention 56

A Better Intervention • Collaborative Problem Solving – Teaches skills: • • • Thinking skills Executive skills Emotion regulation skills Communication skills Social skills – Solves problems – Empowers adults and children 57

Conclusion • Describe three guiding principles of the “Collaborative Problem Solving” model • Identify problem behaviors that indicate missing skills • Distinguish the difference between effective interventions and unproductive explanations

Resources • www. ccps. info – For more information about Collaborative Problem Solving • The Explosive Child by Ross Greene, Ph. D. and Stuart Ablon, Ph. D. • Treating Explosive Kids by Ross Greene, Ph. D. and Stuart Ablon, Ph. D. • Lost at School by Ross Greene • www. childrensinstitute. com 58