HEALTHY BOUNDARIES IN RELATIONSHIPS AFCC Healthy Christian Session

HEALTHY BOUNDARIES IN RELATIONSHIPS AFCC Healthy Christian Session July 27, 2016 BOUNDARIES by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

What is a Boundary? Types of Boundaries Physical Spiritual BOUNDARIES

Mark a visible property line that someone holds the deed to Legal, enforceable by law Examples Yours: Mine: “He gets under my skin” Violated boundaries Young victims of physical/sexual abuse->poor sense of boundaries later in life PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES

Intangible Define us What I am versus What I am not What I am Responsible “to” vs. Responsible “for” Galatians 6: 2 Carry each other’s burdens and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. vs. Galatians 6: 5 Each one should carry his own load SPIRITUAL BOUNDARIES

BOUNDARIES Responsible “To” -helping someone carry the burden that is too large for them to carry by themselves -example-boulder Responsible “For” -your own daily load; your responsibilities, -the everyday toil of our lives

Keep Help the good in and the bad out us guard our hearts Matthew 7: 6 Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet and then turn and tear you to pieces. Keep the pearls inside and the pigs outside BOUNDARIES

Can’t be “walled off” There has to be an exchange of positives and negatives as well as protection from outside negativity. Need gates to allow the bad out and to receive good from the outside By I confessing our pain and sin John 1: 9 James 5: 16 BOUNDARIES

Invisible Most boundaries powerful boundary setting word? -informs others of what will NOT be accepted or tolerated -Sets limits on abuse -Matthew 5: 37 -Influenced by external pressure or Internal pressure -someone making you by guilt, shame, coercion -Don’t “should” yourself -Hinders the fruit of self-control WORDS

Define Tells them where you stand “I’m God your property for others with her. ” Does this in His Word. What are things that the Lord hates? What outlined the boundaries of behavior for the Israelites? WORDS

Remove yourself from danger and separate from those who continue to hurt us. Create a safe place for ourselves Creates loss of fellowship for the one left behind which may lead to changed behavior. Creating space in abusive relationships helps to establish real boundaries until the abuser is ready to deal with the problem. GEOGRAPHICAL DISTANCE

Biblical Proverbs 22: 3 A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself: but the simple pass on, and are punished. GEOGRAPHICAL DISTANCE

VIDEO BOUNDARIES

1. Your partner brings out your worst qualities. -Can’t be yourself; being around them is draining. 2. There is constant power struggle. -competition vs. win/win; no compassion 3. You have contrasting communication styles 4. Your partner is prone to irrational and frequent displays of jealousy. 5. You feel bad about yourself when you’re around your partner. SIGNS OF TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

Taking time off allows you to take ownership over some of the aspects of your life that have gotten out of control. Taking time for prayer/reflection and LISTENING to God. Taking time to nourish yourself. Putting yourself on the To-Do list. TIME

Temporary boundary Gives your heart the space it needs to be safe Never a permanent way of living Allows abusers to face their problems and become trustworthy Showing PATTERNS of change before you go back Not PROMISES of change but demonstrated new behavior which is repeated over and over again Forgive but guard your heart until you see sustained change EMOTIONAL DISTANCE

Avoid Isolation, involve a support network Open up to support from others Seek Counsel from the Elders/Pastor Satisfies the need for basic relationship Helps strengthen you to set limits and resist the fear of being alone Helps you stand against the “old tapes” in your head of being selfish or bad OTHER PEOPLE

Biblical Boundaries need to be backed up with consequences Proverbs 2 16: 26 Thessalonians 3: 10 Romans 6: 23 CONSEQUENCES

• Feelings Own them and be aware of them but walk by faith Attitudes and Beliefs Attitude: a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something, typically one that is reflected in a person’s behavior; the stance you take Belief: anything you accept as true -can be changed only by us, must be questioned -Impact how we operate Distorted attitudes about responsibility cause boundary problems. THINGS WITHIN OUR BOUNDARIES

Behaviors----and their consequences *Galatians 6: 7 -8 Studying Good Grades Work Paycheck Exercise Better health Loving actions Closer relationship Idleness, Irresponsibility Poverty *Proverbs 15: 10 “To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless. ” THINGS WITHIN OUR BOUNDARIES

CHOICES Taking control of our choices leads to self control You are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with. “I had to” and “she made me” Disowns our choices, shifting the blame and responsibility to someone else` Romans 8: 13 THINGS WITHIN OUR BOUNDARIES

Values What we value is what we love and assign importance to. How do you spend your time? Our deepest longing is for His Love. Onlye when we take responsibility for out of control behavior caused by loving or valuing the wrong things, those that have no lasting value, and when we confess that we have a heart that values things that will not satisfy, we can receive help from God and he can ask him to create a new heart within us. THINGS WITHIN OUR BOUNDARIES

Limits External: NOT on other people but our exposure to other people who are behaving poorly. We can’t change them or make them act right Internal: we need to have spaces where we can have feelings, impulses, desires, thoughts which are NOT acted upon. Self control without repression. THINGS WITHIN OUR BOUNDARIES

Talents We are accountable when we are exercising our gifts and being productive. The parable of the talents Not confronting our fear (of failure) denies the grace of God and insults both His giving of the gift and His Grace to sustain us as we are learning. THINGS WITHIN OUR BOUNDARIES

Thoughts Reflections of the image of God We must own our own thoughts We must grow in the knowledge of God and His Word and expand our minds Clarify distorted thinking Matthew 7: 3 -5 In learning new things our thinking adapts and becomes more accurate We also have the responsibility of communicating our thoughts (and expectations) clearly THINGS WITHIN OUR BOUNDARIES

Desires Often ‘masquerade’ because we don’t own our real desires. Eg obtaining power but really desiring love and respect Looking for money but desiring security James 4: 2 -3 Psalms 145: 19 Proverbs 13: 19 THINGS WITHIN OUR BOUNDARIES

LOVE Greatest Gift-the ability to give and receive Matthew 22: 37, 39 love Us for him Ephesians His 3: 18 for Us THINGS WITHIN OUR BOUNDARIES