Grieving The Missing Link to Redesigning Life after

Grieving: The Missing Link to Redesigning Life after Brain Injury Janelle Breese Biagioni, RPC

Loss is painful. Grief is life-changing. Mourning is healing.

Layers of Grief Exploring the journey of grief with someone is like peeling an onion. . . there are layers and lots of tears!

For those grieving… life is like walking in a fog. It’s eerie, cold, lonely, and the familiar is no longer familiar. Four areas of special needs: • Physical • Emotional • Social • Spiritual

Traditional Teachings �Death �Divorce �Separation �Transitional � Medical Model

Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross �Denial �Anger �Bargaining �Depression �Acceptance

Wolfelt’s Six Needs of Mourning 1. Acknowledge the reality of the death 2. Embrace the pain of the loss 3. Remember the person who died 4. Develop a new self-identity 5. Search for meaning 6. Receive ongoing support from others

The Five Veils of loss � � � Under Attack ◦ The event that turns our world upside down State of Chaos ◦ Confusion, fear, disorganization, order disappears Morphing (Acceptance vs. Denial) ◦ See the life ahead of us/ one without choice or negotiation and we resist Inner Warrior ◦ The choice to survive is made/ accepts there is no going back/ takes up the ‘fight or cause’ Redesign ◦ Takes back control/ new sense of purpose/ reconnects © Janelle Breese Biagioni

Potential Responses to Grief Shock Numb Sorrow Loneliness Abandoned Anger Disbelief Sad Preoccupied Confused Overwhelmed Guilt Panic Afraid Anxious Edgy Regret Resistant Disappointed Lost Frightened Helpless Hopeless Resistant Physically & emotionally exhausted ? ? ? ?

“Grief is not to be diagnosed or treated ~ it is to be acknowledged and facilitated. ” ~Janelle Breese Biagioni, RPC

Most Important “There is no cookie-cutter approach in grief. What works for one person may not work for the next, or even the next 100 people. That does not mean the first person was doing it wrong, it only means that what they did worked for them. ” ~Janelle

The Impact of Grief/Brain Injury on a Family Emotionally and physically taxed � Feel guilty/sad/frustrated that they have no control over the situation � Helpless and hopeless � Pulled in several directions � No end in sight � Unable to experience joy or happiness � Expected to behave in a ‘normal’ way when their life is anything but normal �

Primary & Secondary Losses

Primary Losses �Loss of significant other person ◦ Death, Divorce, Separation �Loss of some aspect of self ◦ Physical, Emotional, Spiritual �Loss of external objects ◦ Home, employment �Developmental losses ◦ Empty-nest, retirement

Secondary Losses Loss of Self - Identity (part of me died too) - Self Confidence (feel inadequate and un-whole) -Health (physical) - Personality (I’m just not myself) Loss of Security - Emotional (friends/confidant) - Physical (worries about personal safety) - Fiscal Security (financial) - Life Style Loss of Meaning - Goals & Dreams (shattered future) - Faith - Will or desire -Joy

Society’s False Perception and Expectation of those living with loss… Others from the outside felt we looked like the same family so we were expected to behave like the same family. (Disabilities, Chronic Illness)

ASK THE FAMILY – if you really want to know what life is like � Anger easily � Sleep disturbances � Doesn’t cope with daily life / or participate in the way they had � Fatigue is huge � Rigid in behavior/thinking � Triggers � Self-absorbed � Family is left on their own � Roles change for everyone!

Common Statements Given to Survivors and Families • You have a poor attitude • You are feeling sorry for yourself • You are in denial • You need to just be the _______(wife, mother, father, son, husband, parent) and we will take care of him/her • Your new job now is _____ • You just need to accept what has happened and move on

Family pressure cooker � Everyone has a high need to be understood but little capacity to understand! Understand that ‘blow-ups’ will happen � Create some space when things get heated � Avoid verbally or physically attacking another person �

It’s normal to experience R. A. G. E. Regret Anger Guilt Emotional Roller Coaster

The Destructive Power of Anger � Emotions are extremely powerful whether they are negative or positive. The difference is that positive emotions can transform your life into something beautiful, joyful, and meaningful; negative emotions merely destroy. � Napoleon Hill, author of Think & Grow Rich, identifies anger as being one of the most destructive emotions we can have. Anger is so destructive that it WILL destroy your business, personal relationships, and even break down your body.

The Missing Link for Survivors & Family Members HELLO… GOODBYE… HELLO… Say hello to the life you had… Say goodbye to the life you had … Say hello and embrace the life you have!

Acceptance �Acceptance is not the same as defeat �Acceptance is where you can begin to make changes �Defeat is where you remain stuck and begs one question – is this where you want to be?

Professional counselling – is it necessary? � Grief should soften in intensity and duration over time � There are 3 red flags to watch for (are they: hurting themselves, hurting someone else, destroying property) � Are the normal grief feelings becoming more persistent? � Counselling does not need to last a lifetime, but a few sessions can provide you with insight and a new perspective so you can view your world in a new way (i. e. sitting in a chair in your living room that you don’t normally sit in allows you to see that room in a new way) KNOW WHEN TO REFER OR ASK FOR HELP!!!!

YOU HAVE TO DO THE WORK ~ AND YES THAT IS A CHOICE!

www. janellebb. com Email: janelle@janellebb. com Facebook: www. facebook. com /Janelle. Breese. Biagioni Twitter: @Janelle. BB Cell: 250 -812 -2962 Assistant: Myriah@janellebb. com Healing Hearts 2016 June 23 – 26, 2016 Lodge at Weir’s Beach