Grief Loss The School Counselors Guide Lacee Tolliver

Grief & Loss: The School Counselor’s Guide Lacee Tolliver

Objectives • Common causes of childhood grief and loss • Developmental factors • Identify normal and complicated reactions to loss and bereavement • Personal and cultural factors • Role of the school counselor • Interventions

Reflect • Think about what you know already know about children & grief • What are common messages we hear about children & grief? • What questions do you have?

Definitions Loss Grief The disappearance of something cherished, such as a person, possession or pet. The normal, multifaceted response to a loss. Can include emotional, cognitive, physical, behavioral and social components. Bereavement Mourning The process of adjusting to a loss. The culturally structured response to grief.

Historical Perspective • • Kubler-Ross 5 stages of grief Berger’s 5 identities of griever Freud Bonanno’s 4 trajectories of grief Resilience- most common reaction Recovery-symptoms of intense grief for short period Chronic dysfunction-prolonged suffering Delayed grief-adjustment seems normal, but it then turns into recovery or chronic dysfunction after several months

The Statistics • Of high school juniors and seniors…. . 90% have experienced grief related to death 40% have experienced the death of a friend 20% have witnessed a death • 1 in 20 children under the age of 15 will lose a parent • Most will get information about death & dying from parents (Parent education)

Causes • Individuals experience grief for many different reasons • Death of a parent, grandparent, sibling, other family member or friend • Death of a pet • Parent’s divorce or move • Do not delegitimize the student’s losses

Influenced by… Social supports Circumstances Relationship Previous experiences Emotional & Developmental age Culture

Responses Varies across developmental stage Ages 4 -7 Ages 7 -11 Ages 12 -18

Responses for 4 -7 year olds • Concept of Death: Reversible, personification of death. Feeling of responsibility because of wishes and thoughts. Common statements: “It’s my fault. I was mad and wished she’d die. • Grief Response: More verbalization. Concerned with process. How? Why? Repetitive questioning. May act as though nothing has happened. General distress and confusion. • Signs of Distress: Regression: nightmares, sleeping and eating disturbed. Possible violent play. Attempts to take on role of person who died

Responses Varies across developmental stage Ages 4 -7 Ages 7 -11 Ages 12 -18

Responses for 7 -11 year olds • Concept of Death: Death seen as punishment. Fear of bodily harm and mutilation. This is a difficult transition period, still wanting to see death as reversible but beginning to see it as final. Do not think it could happen to anyone they know. • Grief Response: Specific questions. Desire for complete detail. Concerned with how others are responding. What is the right way to respond? Starting to have ability to mourn and understand mourning. • Signs of Distress: Regression: school problems, withdrawal from friends. Acting out. Sleeping and eating disturbed. Overwhelming concern with body. Death thoughts (desire to join one who died). Role confusion.

Responses Varies across developmental stage Ages 4 -7 Ages 7 -11 Ages 12 -18

Responses for 12 -18 year olds • Concept of Death: A more “adult” approach. Ability to abstract. Beginning to conceptualize death. Work at making sense of things. • Grief Response: Extreme sadness. Denial. Regression. More often willing to talk to people outside of family and peer support. Risk taking. Traditional mourning. • Signs of Distress: Depression. Anger often towards parents. Suicidal thoughts. Non-compliance. Rejection of former teaching. Role confusion. Acting out.

Complicated Grief • Complicated grief may require more intense counseling, outside referral Traumatic loss Functional decline Intensity & Duration PTSD type reactions Total denial

Influenced by… Social supports Circumstances Relationship Previous experiences Emotional & Developmental age Culture

Cultural Factors • Mourning looks different from culture to culture • Socio-cultural • Ethnic • Religious/philosophical • Afterlife, burial rites, expected attitudes of loved ones, gender differences, how to tell children

Exploring personal reactions • • Sensitive topic People often avoid thinking about it Must know our own attitudes and fears Consider how this might impact your work with grieving students

ASCA National Model • IV-A-9. Providing responsive services, including grief and bereavement • IV-B-3 c. Demonstrates an ability to provide counseling for students during times of transition, separation, heightened stress and critical change • IV-C-2. School counselors coordinate and facilitate counseling and other services to ensure all students receive the care they need, even though school counselors may not personally provide the care themselves

What is our purpose? • Grief is a natural process • Most will eventually be fine • Current research focusing on limitations of grief counseling & potentially harmful effects • Although we are not grief counselors, what can we do? • Support the child at school

In the school. . . • Before a student returns after a traumatic loss Talk with the student Talk with the parent, if possible Talk with the class Provide a way for students to reach out to their friend

In the school. . . • School wide Let teachers know what to expect & what they can do Be available for teacher support Encourage routine Provide both structure and flexibility Set and enforce limits Do not act as if nothing happened

Ages 4 -7 • Art projects and drawings • Balloon with a message • Books: When Dinosaurs Die, Badger’s Parting Gifts

Interventions Varies across developmental stage Ages 4 -7 Ages 7 -11 Ages 12 -18

Ages 7 -11 • • Acrostic poems Colleges GTI- supported by research, $28 Relaxation techniques

Interventions Varies across developmental stage Ages 4 -7 Ages 7 -11 Ages 12 -18

Ages 12 -18 • • • Wordle Journaling/letter writing Inside/outside art activity Books-for lots of situations When you get angry/sad cards

Remember… • Grief and loss are unique for each individual • School counselors role is to help support student at school, connect to resources, identify complicated responses to grief • Questions, comments, discussion?

Resources • • http: //www. childrengrieve. org/ http: //childgrief. org/childgrief. htm http: //www. dougy. org/ https: //www. childrengrieve. org/sites/default/ files/C 7%20 Clinical%20 Grief%20 Activities%20 booklet%20 handout. pdf