FRIENDS HOW MANY OF US HAVE THEM The

FRIENDS HOW MANY OF US HAVE THEM?

� The number of “inboxes” we possess is staggering: Email (3 accounts for me), public Twitter, Twitter DM, public Face book, Face book messages, Face book chat, Linked. In messages, public Google +, Google + messages, blog comments, Skype, text messages, Instagram, phone, voice mail, and several topically or geographically specific forums, groups and social networks. That’s a lot of relationship bait in the water.

�The Lie of Opportunity How do we justify this? We do it because we believe that more relationships provides more opportunity.

“It’s not what you know, it’s who you know. ” “Social media makes a big world smaller. ” “Linkedin is for people you know, Facebook is for people you used to know, Twitter is for people you want to know. ”

�All of these phrase’s are passed around like a flu strain because they make intuitive sense. But common among them is the underlying premise that interacting with more people is inherently better than interacting with fewer people.

�Are we spending considerable time building large networks of shallow connections, potentially at the expense of deepening a few cherished friendships upon which we can truly rely?

�Fundamentally, technology and our use of it isn’t – as we’ve all hoped – bringing us closer together. In fact, it may be driving us farther apart, as we know more and more people, but know less and less about each of them.

Making Friends Out of Connections? Maybe we should be focused less on making a lot of connections, and focused more on making a few real friends?

�Sherry Turkle, a professor at M. I. T. and author of “Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other”……

�has spent the last 15 years studying how our "plugged-in lives" have changed who we are. She claims that all of our technological devices have produced a world in which we're always communicating but we're seldom having real conversations.

�Consider the following quotes from Turkle: “We expect more from technology and less from one another and seem increasingly drawn to technologies that provide the illusion of companionship without the demands of relationship. Alwayson/always-on-you devices provide three powerful fantasies:

� 1. that we will always be heard; 2. that we can put our attention wherever we want it to be and; 3. that we never have to be alone. Indeed our new devices have turned being alone into a problem that can be solved.

�When people are alone, even for a few moments, they fidget and reach for a device …. Our constant, reflexive impulse to connect shapes a new way of being. Think of it as "I share, therefore I am. "

THE CHANGING FACE OF FRIENDSHIP

�“The number of people saying there is no one with whom they discuss important matters has tripled since 2004. . ” American Sociological Review 71, no 3 (June 1, 2006): 35375

�“The capacity for friendship is God's way of apologizing for our families. ” - Jay Mc. Inerney, The Last of the Savages

�AS A RELATIONSHIP WHICH CONTRIBUTES TO THE COMMON GOOD AND NOT SIMPLY A PERSONAL MATTER OF MUTUAL SHARING, “Friendship” IS THEOLOGICALLY GROUNDED (IN FORM) AND NOT JUST A REFLECTION OF GENERAL, SECULAR PRINCIPLES

JAMES 2: 23 � 23 And so it happened just as the Scriptures say: “Abraham believed God, and God counted him as righteous because of his faith. ”[a] He was even called the friend of God. [b] ROMANS 5: 10 � 10 For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his Son.

JAMES 4: 4 � 4 You adulterers![a] Don’t you realize that friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God? I say it again: If you want to be a friend of the world, you make yourself an enemy of God.

�HISTORY �PHILOSOPHY �THEOLOGY �BECAUSE IT IS NOT WHAT IT USED TO BE AND IT IS NOT WHAT IT COULD BE?

NO LONGER SERVANTS JOHN 15: 15

� Jesus (radically), alters ALL relationships and in the same way he redefined “greatness” as servant hood, now he redefines servant hood in terms of “friendship”. . SERVANT IMAGERY(What happens to it? ) MINIMIZED IN FAVOR OF “FRIENDSHIP”

�LET’S CONSIDER 2 RADICAL AND REDEFINED REALTIONSHIPS ACCORDING TO JESUS:

Radical redefinitions of relationships: 1. From Lordship to Servant hood [Mark 10: 42 -45] 42 Jesus called them together and said, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 43 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 44 and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. 45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. ”

2. Now an even more radical concept for them to digest, from Servant hood to Friendship: [John 15: 12 -17] 15 I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me.

Servant hood now has to be interpreted in the context of “friendship” The developmental line of thinking is from servant hood as an early stage of ministry, to friendship as a more mature form of relationship. .

MATURITY WITHOUT RELATIONAL HIERARCHY SERVANT HOOD FRIENDSHIP

�Typically, we tend to reverse this order, by reducing “friendship” to a childish imagery only. Rather than one of depth and maturity. As a preliminary to the more mature, serious notions of service and leadership for those further advanced in the Christian faith……. . ?

TWO RADICAL IDEAS NOW ESTABLISHED: 1. A REVERSAL OF THE POSITIONS OF AUTHORITY, POWER, AND CONTROL IN FAVOR OF “HUMILITY” AND “SERVICE” WHICH COMPLETELY GOES AGAINST OUR HUMAN TENDENCY

2. THE REMOVAL OF ALL FORMS OF HIEARCHY LIKE GREATER AND LESSOR �Friendship with God is a scandalous concept that most will resist. (Of course Jesus remains our Lord, King, Master, etc) But that simply stress’s the magnitude of His grace; that every believer can be considered a “friend” of the KING

�THE ESSENTIAL THEMES OF SERVANT HOOD ARE NOT ABANDONED THEY NOW HAVE A DIFFERENT MOTIVATION:

SERVANT/MASTER � � DOES WHAT THE MASTER WANTS ACTS OUT OF DUTY RELATIONSHIP DEFINED BY DOING WORK ORIENTED FRIEND/FRIEND � � DOES WHAT THE FRIEND WANTS ACTS OUT OF FRIENDSHIP RELATIONSHIP DEFINED BY BEING RELATIONSHIP OREINTED

� FRIENDSHIP CHANGES THE ATTITUDE, MOTIVATION AND DEEPENS THE RELATIONAL DYNAMIC OF IMTIMACY. THE SERVANT RELATIONSHIP IS ALMOST “WORKS” ORIENTED? � FRIENDS ARE NEVER JUSTIFIED BY THEIR WORK; HOWEVER, THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT FREIDNSHIP IS SOMETHING LESS. (IN FACT THE SACRIFICES OR EFFORTS OF A FRIEND TO BE GREATER? )

If this is true: [The friendship model should not be seen as an easier way of opting out of the serious demands of discipleship and the hard work of service]

SO WHAT CHANGES? �ATTITUDE �MOTIVATION �OBLIGATION IS NO LONGER THE HEART OF THE RELATIONSHIP �APPRECIATION FOR THE RELATIONSHIP

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS “THIS IS MY BELOVED, THIS IS MY FRIEND” -SONG OF SOLOMON 5: 16

FOUNDATION OF FRIENDSHIP �Husbands and wives who want enduring and endearing marriages must be friends. Sociologist’ John Gottman and Nan Silver… “the determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is by 70%, the quality of the couples friendship…for men the determining factor is the same %. . ”

�Mutual respect for and enjoyment of each others company. . �Well versed in each others likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. . �They have a regard and fondness for each other that is expressed not only in big ways but in small ways day to day. .

�Men: It is easier for a woman to think of doing life with a friend than with a dictator or unemotional ruler. The husband is still the head, but “loving her” as Christ loved the church.

Friendship is the integral part of a Christian marriage that can become the safeguard against: Emotional adultery: (emotional adultery is having as your close friend someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse) Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial towards your spouse

�Marital friendship is costly in terms of time, energy, emotion (sometimes money) Those who want their spouse’s to be friends without seeking to be good friends (first) are selfish and demanding.

�Jesus had many foes, many fans, but only 3 real friends (Peter, James and John) who had the most privileged access to him. Matthew 26: 36

How did we get off track? �Business partners, focused on paying bills �Parents trying to raise kids �Care givers taking care of aging parents, taxi drivers, event planners etc. .

�Intentionally working on the “friendship” may be key foundationally because in the end the rest of the marriage comes together more easily when you are working on it with your friend.

�Fruitful: Like everything else, friendship with our spouse and our marriages exists for only one reason, to glorify God that is the goal. This is the ultimate fruit it must bear.

�The ultimate goal of marriage and family is the glory of God, (a reflection of Him) not to serve as replacements for HIM. �Question for consideration: In relationship to my SPOUSE what characteristic of God do I need to develop?

�Reciprocal: It only takes one spouse to be friendly but it takes both to be friends. When both are unfriendly: The marriage is marked by constant conflict and coldness.

�When only one spouse is friendly, and the other is unfriendly the marriage is marked by selfishness and sadness �Intimate Types of marriages: back to back; shoulder to shoulder; face to face

� In B/B marriage’ the couple has turned their backs on each other and live separately. They don’t work/play together or draw each other out. They are strangers at best, enemies at worst but they are never friends.

Back to Back Marriage partners HIM HER

Shoulder to Shoulder Partners Him Working Her

�They work together on tasks, projects like keeping the home, raising the kids, growing the business, and serving in church.

Face to Face Partners Him Her

�In addition to the work getting done lot’s of face time allows for conversation, friendship and intimacy. [generally women excel at face to face relationships, and have more friendships than men] �Men have more shoulder to shoulder relationships around shared activities.

Enjoyable Ecclesiastes 9: 7 -9 [life is short] Needed “its not good” Any one telling their spouse “I don’t need” you is calling God a liar. . (Genesis 2: 18 “it’s not good”)

Fulfilling each others Needs ? Men need: � Respect, (feel respected) Sex, Food, Space, Affirmation, (all men are insecure) Adventure… � Women need: Emotional security and Intimacy, Loved, (feel loved) Financial Security, Respect, and Reassurance (the deal is never closed, this is why you must pursue her, even after you’ve caught her)

�Devoted: In all of life's season. [Proverbs 17: 17] �Sanctifying: Marriage is designed to make us holy not happy. It is a model, a method, a mission to reveal something [ faithful are the wounds of a friend] Prov. 27: 6

TOOLS �Affirm one another every day. Be intentional in communicating the other's strengths. �Establish daily habits, especially praying together. (but any positive habit may do) �Take time to find common interests and then engage in them.

�Recognize that friendship building takes a lot of work – and time. Cut the fat out of your day. Build it …back in! �Share as much of life as possible! Share your time, share your thoughts, share your interests, and share his interests. This is a tool that must be deliberately engaged or life will push it aside

�Physically – Give lots of non-sexual touching such as a quick hug, a hand on the arm, a pat on the hand or the back. Touching says “I care” and touch is one of our basic human needs.

�These tools all focus on you as the builder. It is more important to be the right partner than to have the right partner. You can only change you. You cannot change your partner; you can only change how you relate to him/her.

�On your own you can find a measure of success in applying these tools. But God holds the manual and, when invited, He can enhance your life and your marriage in ways you never imagined. Why not invite Him now?

FACING THE STRUGGLES �“We never know who we marry, we just think we do……” -Stanley Hauerwas

What Changes us ? �Having children �A career move/switch �Illness �In marriage traits are revealed that were there all long but hidden from everyone including you, but now seen by your spouse.

�Most couples enter marriage through the “in love” experience and at it’s peak it’s euphoric! But eventually, (at midnight the mask comes off) you must love the stranger…. - Soren Kierkegaard, Either/Or p. 160

Angry Birds

Silence of the Lambs

Meet the “Faulters”

If your purpose in marriage was to gain a “soul mate” a person who would NOT change you but support you in reaching your life goals, this reality of marriage will be frustrating.

First response: Tell yourself you made a bad choice and failed to find someone who is actually compatible. .

POWER TOOLS TO BUILD �“Speaking the truth in love we will in all things grow up…. (Ephesians 4: 15)

�The power of truth, the power of love, the power of grace are tools we use in the life of our spouse helping them to grow into a person who reflects the character of Christ (when they become strange)

�Facing the Flaws: Marriage brings 2 people in closer contact more than any relationship Parent/Child [power differential] Shacking [options remain open] Marriage brings us into the closest contact possible with another person that forces you to deal with the sins of the other:

“All people are broken (husbands & wives) by sin, its foolish to think that immature, selfish, neurotic, people suddenly become better -----when they fall in love” - Denis de Rougemont

�Fearful; prideful; selfish; opinionated; sulky; inflexible; abrasive; undisciplined; unreliable; insensitive; undependable ; judgmental; wasteful; dishonest; critical; impatient; temperamental; independent; too dependent; peevish; can’t keep secrets; thrifty; stingy; wants to be liked too much; evil;

�If you have NOT seen any of these things in you…. your spouse has [turn to them right…. . ”thank you for staying”]

�The power of truth –facing the worst. No one else is impacted by your flaws the way your spouse is: �Others have seen them too but not like your spouse

THE POWER OF TRUTH �For the marriage relationship to become one that enhances growth, this is a feature of what marriage is – that should be accepted.

�Marriage does not bring you into confrontation with your spouse, it brings you into confrontation with yourself

ROMANS 7: 14 -25 � 14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual sold as a slave to sin 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I doer 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. s 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. t 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature u For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it � 21 So I find this law at work Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; z 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. � 19

�Maybe it’s fair to say…”Yes I hate ( ? ), that’s not the real them…its not permant”

�Allow your spouse then to wash and cleanse the stains and blemishes, this when the “someone better” you have been looking for…. . actually becomes your spouse.

� � � � First Week 2 nd Week 3 rd Week 4 th Week relationship 5 th Week Glenda Techniques for better marital communication Blended families Facing struggles in your marriage How to keep issues about our children out of the Understanding God’s design for marriage � Be Joyful!