Foundations of Healthy Relationships Mr Bower Health Education

Foundations of Healthy Relationships Mr. Bower Health Education

n“If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting? ” ~Stephen Levine

Topics Covered Healthy Relationships n Communication n Bullying n Dating Abuse n

Personal Health Inventory Self-Inventory: Read each statement below and respond by writing yes, no or sometimes for each item. Write a yes only for items that you practice regularly. Save these responses. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. I I I I I treat others with respect. am a team player. am a trustworthy individual. often use compromise to resolve differences. am willing to work at my relationships. communicate well with others. am a good listener. ask questions if I’m not sure what is being said. use eye contact when communicating with others. am aware of my own body language.

Think Quick ! n List 10 characteristics that you think are needed for a healthy relationship n Rank the characteristics in order of importance, and explain why you ranked each as you did.

Healthy Relationships n Relationship n n A bond or connection you have with other people Relationships allow us to meet our needs to be: LOVED n SAFE n SECURE n VALUED n RECOGNIZED n

Healthy Relationships n All relationships have (+) and (-) effects on your health n Healthy Relationships demonstrate (+) effects on all areas of your health. n Healthy Relationships are based on: What? n n Shared values Shared interests Mutual respect

Healthy Relationships n Family Relationships Immediate Family n Extended Family n Teach values, manners and socialize you. Food, Clothing, Shelter How do healthy family relationships enhance all sides of your health Triangle? n Give you love, care and encouragement

Healthy Relationships n Friendship Relationships n n Significant relationship between 2 people that is based on caring, trust and consideration Friendships contribute to enhancing your health by: n n n Sharing similar values (M/E and Social) Share hobbies and interests (Physical, Social, M/E) Sharing friends (Social and M/E) Positively influencing self-esteem and self-concept (M/E) Helping to resist negative influences (Physical, M/E, Social)

Healthy Relationships n Friend or Acquaintance? n Acquaintance- relationship less intimate than friendship n n n 1. 2. 3. Not as much caring, trust or consideration Talk to less, do not share same information, do not turn to in time of need. As teens, we see all people as a friend, however, is that true? Questions to Consider Do you have more friends or acquaintances? Why? What causes you to call someone a friend or acquaintance? Create 2 lists: Benefits of spending time alone & with friends

Healthy Relationships n Community Relationships n Citizenship n The way you conduct yourself as a member of the community n Work together to promote the safety and well -being of the entire community Community Watch n Volunteer Programs n Food Bank n Donation Drives Obey laws Golden Rule

Healthy Relationship Characteristics in Action Work in groups of 2 or 3 n Compare your lists that you created earlier n Choose the top 2 or 3 characteristics that you can all agree on n Prepare a skit that demonstrates those characteristics to promote a healthy relationship n Prepare a 2 nd skit that demonstrates what happens to the healthy relationship when those characteristics are not present n

Building Healthy Relationships & Communication

The 4 C’s to Building Healthy Relationships n For a relationship to succeed and be healthy, the people involved need certain skills. n 4 C’s Communication n Cooperation n Compromise n Character n

Communication n The way you send and receive messages from others What are some ways we communicate? n Cooperation Working with others to accomplish a goal Relationship=Common goal=Cooperation n

Compromise n n Giving up something so that all can reach a satisfying solution WIN-WIN SITUATION n Involves a “give and take” which can strengthen relationships n All must be satisfied with the solution n Do not give up your values or beliefs to compromise on a situation

Character in Relationships n There are 6 major character traits present in all HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. Trustworthiness Respect Responsibility Fairness Caring Citizenship Can you identify these Character Traits?

Communication n COMMUNICATION: a process through which you send messages to and receive messages from others Effective communication is a 2 way street There are 3 basic skills necessary for effective communication 1. Speaking 2. Listening 3. Body Language

Communication Styles 3 Communication Styles n Passive (“Mrs. Go Along”) n n n Aggressive (“Mr. Pushy”) n n n Inability or unwillingness to express thoughts/opinions Do not stand up for their beliefs Always try to get their way Use bullying and intimidation Assertive (“Mr. and Mrs. Stand Up”) n n Express thoughts and feeling without hurting others However, they respect the thoughts of others

Speaking Skills n Good Speaking Skills n n n Allows us to express our thoughts and feelings Involves clearly saying what you mean Tips: n n Watch your tone and pitch. (Changes message) Clearly state what you mean.

“I” vs. “You” messages I-messages simply state a problem, without blaming someone for it. n This makes it easier for the other side to help solve the problem, without having to admit that they were wrong. n n Ex. "I felt let down, " rather than "You broke your promise"

“I” vs. “You” messages “I” statements “YOU” statements Non Threatening Neutral Opinion Initiates defensive response “Attacking” Can be difficult Automatic reaction

“I” Message vs. “You” Message Aggressive (“You”) Message What not to say n“You idiot! You took my client and cost me money. You owe me big time. ” n“Why are you always late? It’s really annoying. ” Assertive (“I”) Message What to say n“I’m upset that my client was taken away from me. ” n“I worry about you when you don’t show up. ”

How to construct and “I” sentence I feel _________________ (say your feeling) n when you _______________ (describe the action) n because ________________ (say why the action connects to your feeling) n

Listening Skills Hearing is not listening!!! n Active Listening n Listening while involving yourself in the conversation n The average listener retains and understands about 30% of what he/ she hears n Paying careful attention without judging or interrupting n n 80% of our waking lives are spent hearing.

Techniques for Active Listening 1. Restating ü 2. Clarifying ü 3. Restate or summarize what the other person said Ask questions to show your attention Encouragement ü Provide statement/gestures to encourage more conversation ü 4. “I see”, “Un-Huh”, Head Nod Empathy 1. 2. Try to understand their feelings Put yourself in their shoes

Body Language Skills n Body Language = Non-Verbal Communication n The message you send to others based on the way your body looks. n Eye contact n Posture n Gestures n Behaviors n As much as 65% of face - face communication is non - verbal

Technological Advances Cell Phones n E-mail n Text Messaging n Internet n n Chat rooms

Questions to Debate 1. Has the advancement of technology improved or hurt the communication skills of today’s youth? 2. Is e-mail an effective method of handling relationship issues? How about texting? 3. Should teens be permitted to use online chat rooms or blogs?

Alright, So how do I start/maintain a conversation with a person I like? Say “Hello” and introduce yourself n Learn about the persons interests/ Find Commonalities n Talk about things you both can discuss n n Surrounding, School, Likes/Dislikes, Hypothetical Listen to the other persons responses n Make “Eye Contact” but do not stare n Use previously taught skills n

Conversation Starters n n Focus on other person, not self Stay positive Avoid controversy (religion, politics, ect. . ) Examples: n n n n You look really nice, where did you get…. (item) Have you seen any movie lately, what did you think? What kind of music/TV/activities do you like? What do you normally do for fun? Have you ever (activity) …. ? Do you like sports (other topic)? Have you ever been to (Place)?

Dating Relationships Important to remember that the teen years are a time of trying different relationships and roles n Breaking up, making up, and breaking up again can be painful, but it is part of a process of becoming emotionally mature n Honesty and open communication are essential n

Dating Relationships n Going out in Groups Good way to ease into dating n Less responsibility for keeping the conversation going n Less likely to feel self- conscious n Being less nervous allows you to have a better time and be yourself more easily n Some teens choose not to date at all due to other interests, commitments, or not emotionally ready

Relationships Peer Pressure n n PEER PRESSURE: the control and influence people your own age may have over you MANIPULATION: a sneaky and dishonest way to control or influence others n n A person who manipulates others does so to get what he/ she wants without respect for the wellbeing of the other person Types of Manipulation include n n n Mocking or teasing Bargaining Bribing Making threats Using blackmail Using guilt trips

Responding to Negative Peer Pressure n n Be Assertive! THE PASSIVE WAY: giving up, giving in, or backing down without standing up for your own rights n n May lead to Bullying How is Bullying a form of Peer Pressure? How do bullies try to manipulate other people? What are some healthy ways to deal with bullies?

Dealing with Bullying n n Bullying IS a BIG Deal BULLYING: when a person is picked on over and over again by an individual or group with more power n n Could be physical strength or social standing What are the two main reasons people are bullied? n Appearance: n n Clothes they wear, haircut, etc. Social Status: n The way someone acts, race, religion, sexuality n http: //stopbullyingnow. hrsa. gov/kids/ n http: //kidshealth. org/teen/school_jobs/bullying/bullies. html

Dealing with Bullying n Bullies Attack Physically n n Shoving, tripping, punching, etc. Bullies Attack Psychologically n n n Verbal insults, labeling, name calling, etc Cyber bullying Cyber Bullying Missouri One of the MOST painful aspects of Bullying is its RELENTLESSNESS Studies show that people who are abused by their peers are at risk for mental health problems n n n Depression Anxiety People who are bullied may also develop physical illness n Stomach pains, extreme stress levels, etc.

Bullying n Bullies are at risk for developing problems as well n n n Often leads to more violent behavior as the bully grows up As many as 25% of elementary school bullies have a criminal record by the time they are 30 years old May end up being rejected by their peers Do not do as well in school Often do not have the career or relationship success that other people enjoy

Who Bullies? n n n Both boys and girls can be bullies May be outgoing and aggressive May try to manipulate in subtle, deceptive ways Like to dominate others Have often been bullied in the past themselves n n Often have poor social skills and poor social judgment People who are insecure with themselves Put others down to make themselves feel more interesting or powerful Some have personality disorders

What Can You Do About Bullying? n When to tell an adult Younger kids should ALWAYS tell an adult n Teens should tell an adult if there have been threats of physical danger or harm n n Many teens have died when threats, and attacks were unreported and the silence gave the bully an “ok” to become more and more violent

What Can You Do About Bullying? n Ignore the Bully and Walk Away n n n NOT a coward’s response Can be harder than losing your temper You are telling the bully that you just don’t care The bully will likely get bored with trying to bother you Walk TALL and hold your head HIGH n Hold the Anger n n n Anger is the response the bully is looking to get from you Bullies want to know that they have control over you Work out your anger in another way, such as…

What Can You Do About Bullying? n Don’t Get Physical n n n Do NOT use physical force You cannot be sure how the bully will respond n Find Your True Friends n Talk About It n n Guidance Counselor, Teacher, or Friend Good outlet for fears and frustrations n Find one or two good friends you can confide in that the bully has hurt your feelings Tell those friends about the truth of the rumors the bully may be starting about you

Relationship Violence

Where Violence Occurs n Violence can occur in any relationship n Family Violence n n Dating Violence n n n Spousal Abuse- abuse of wife/husband Child Abuse- abuse of child Neglect- failure to provide for a child’s physical/emotional needs Rape- any forced sexual activity that is unwanted Date Abuse- mental, emotional, physical abuse of a BF/GF Community Violence n n n Personal Assault- unlawful attack with the intent to harm Homicide- willful killing of another person Gang Related

n. Pre Test

What is abuse? n Physical- harm to the body n n Emotional- attacking a person’s sense of worth n n Punching, Kicking, Pushing, Biting, Shaking, Use of Weapons Putdowns, Shouting/Screaming, Name calling, and Threats of other violence Sexual- sexual contact against persons will n Touching, Gestures, Speaking, Intercourse

Signs of Abuse n n Any physical harm Controlling n n Humiliation n Especially if you want to leave relationship Twists the truth n n Puts you down, then tells you “I love you” Threats n n Dress, Friends, What you say Wants you to feel at fault Keeps track of you Jealousy/Anger when you are around others

Cycle of Abuse Honeymoon Phase

n Honeymoon Stage- Both people are happy in relationship n Tension Phase- Tension build between people, abusive person gets frustrated with other. n Abuse Stage- Shortest stage / Most harmful n n This stage is based on one specific incident that leads to an explosion of anger. Abuser calms and tries to make up for abuse by returning to honeymoon phase

How YOU can Avoid Violence n Recognize n n n Resist n n Become aware of the acts that are abusive The Best way to protect yourself is to become aware. If anyone tries to abuse you, be assertive and stand up for yourself. Report n n If treated in an abusive manner, get away and tell someone ASAP. Report abuse of others.

Breaking the Cycle n You can help break the cycle of abuse. If you or someone you know is being abused… n n n Tell a trusted adult. Ask them for help to resolve the problem. Contact an abuse hot line or crisis center that can help. Report the abuse to the police. The Cycle of Violence

Community Support n Who can you turn to for help? Parents, Teachers, Trusted Adult n Student Assistance Team at NAI n Crisis Centers/Hotlines n Local Law Enforcement n Family Counseling n Support Groups- groups of individuals with similar problems n

Dating Violence n Dating violence n n n Abuse in dating relationships which can be physical, emotional or sexual Gateway Cheerleader Mt. Lebanon n Problem: Teens often see abuse or dominant treatment as a sign of love and emotion. n Solution: Recognize that no one deserves to be abused or controlled.

Signs Indicating Unhealthy Dating Relationships n These signs may indicate that an unhealthy relationship is moving toward abuse: n Expression of Jealousy n Attempts to control a partner’s behaviors n Cell phones, keeping tabs on what you do Use of insults or put-downs to manipulate a partner n Use of guilt to manipulate a partner n Remember, healthy relationships involves kindness, caring and respect, not control and abuse.

Date Rape vs. Acquaintance Rape n • Date Over Rapeof rape victims know their attackers. 80% 1 person in a dating relationship forces the other • One the mostincommon to of participate a sexualtypes act of acquaintance n rape is date rape. If you are a female between the nages Acquaintance Rape of 16 -24, you run the greatest risk of being n Someone known casually or considered a friend raped by a date. forces a person to perform a sexual act • The use of alcohol or drugs also increases your risk. In one study, 74% of the men and 55% of the women had been drinking or using drugs prior to the sexual assault.

Stages of Date Rape n Date Rape typically occurs in 3 stages n Stage 1 - The aggressor (usually the male) enters the other person's "personal space" (kissing, hand on thigh, etc. ). n Stage 2 - The partner (usually the female) does not assertively stop the behavior, and the aggressor thinks it is okay. n Stage 3 - The aggressor gets the couple to a secluded place where the rape occurs.

Drugs and Rape n Alcohol is involved in as many as 2/3 of all date rape cases in college students. n In recent years, drugs are becoming more common. n GHB and Rohypnol= Date Rape Drugs n Cause blackouts and loss of memory n Slipped into food and drink

Effects of Rape n Physically n n STI’s HIV/AIDS Scars, Cuts, Bruises from force Mental/Emotional n n n Feelings of hopelessness Stress and anxiety Feeling of unclean n Socially n n n Become more introverted Less likely to trust others May be seen as “less than whole” by others

Dating Violence Statistics n n n n 1 in 11 adolescents reports being a victim of physical dating violence CDC 2006. 1 in 4 adolescents reports verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual violence each year (Foshee et al. 1996; Avery-Leaf et al. 1997). 1 in 5 adolescents reports being a victim of emotional violence (Halpern et al. 2001). 1 in 5 high school girls has been physically or sexually abused by a dating partner (Silverman et al. 2001). Dating violence occurs more frequently among black students (13. 9%) than among Hispanic (9. 3%) or white (7. 0%) students CDC 2006. 72% of eighth and ninth graders reportedly "date" (Foshee e al. 1996); by the time they are in high school, 54% of students report dating violence among their peers (Jafe et al. 1992). http: //www. cdc. gov/violenceprevention/pdf/S V-Data. Sheet-a. pdf

Dating Violence Statistics n n 70% of girls and 52% of boys who are abused report an injury from a violent relationship. (Foshee 1996). 8% of boys and 9% of girls have been to an emergency room for an injury received from a dating partner (Foshee 1996). Victims of dating violence are not only at increased risk for injury, they are also more likely to engage in binge drinking, suicide attempts, physical fights, and currently sexual activity CDC 2006. Rates of drug, alcohol, and tobacco use are more than twice as high in girls who report physical or sexual dating violence than in girls who report no violence (Plichta 1996).

Resources Kids Health (Abusive Relationships) n Kids Health (Abuse) n T. E. A. R n www. cdc. gov n www. thesafespace. org n www. loveisnotabuse. com n