Family Communication By Dr Steven Williams Family Communication

Family Communication By Dr. Steven Williams

Family Communication The Awareness Wheel

Main point: In any situation there are five key pieces of information.

A. Sensations: Your sensory data (observations, descriptions, visualizations, stories, facts, recollections, fantasies)

В. Thoughts: The meanings you make (beliefs, interpretations, expectations, ideas, opinions, conclusions, reasons, etc. )

C. Feelings: Your emotional responses (proud, excited, angry, uneasy, bored, fascinated, disappointed, trusting, etc. )

D. Wants: Your intentions (goals, objectives, hopes, drives, values, wishes, needs, intentions, interests, etc. )

E. Actions: Your behavior (behaviors, activities, solutions, promises, accomplishments, etc. )

Christian Communion: Ephesians 4

A. 4: 1 -6 - humble, gentle, patient, forbearance (bearing each other in love, keep unity, seek peace

B. 4: 14 -16 - speaking the truth in love, interdependence

C. 4: 17 -32 - (19) sensitive to Godliness, (24) image of God, (25) do not lie, (26) control anger, (28) do not steal, (29) wholesome conversation, (29) encourage one another, (31) no bitterness, rage, anger, (31)no brawling or slander, (31) no malice, (32) be kind, (32) be compassionate (tenderhearted), (32) forgive one another

D. Remember: I Peter 4: 17 - judgment begins with the household of God. Other passages on communication: Rom. 12: 9 -21; ICor. 13; Gal. 5: 22; 6: 1 -5; I Thess. 4: 6

Communication

General points

1) You cannot communicate

2) Communication is the process of creating and sharing meanings

3) Dr. Albert Mehrabbian (UCLA) found: a) Verbal messages - what is said - account for 7% b) Vocal and tonal messages - the way that it is said - account for 38% c) Visual messages -- what is seen - account for 55%

4) Sender -- message (content and relationship) receiver - 85% of message sent is not message received

5) Personal indicators (sense of self and others) a) Self-concept (image; how one sees oneself) b) Self-identity (how you think others see you) c) Self-esteem (how valuable, worthy, you see yourself)

6) Guidelines to good listening (Handout)

Communication Styles: (Diagram)

COMMUNICATIONS STYLES MAP Small Talk Control T t h g i F Talk How you talk to someone falls into one of four major categories, shown in the communications styles map: Shop Talk Spite Talk Straight Talk Connecting with self & others. Muller, etal 1988 Search Talk

Style I: Small Talk and Shop Talk -- used to maintain the status quo and exchange routine information

Characteristics of Small Talk Intention to be Friendly Sociable Small Talk Relaxed Playful Intention to Build rapport Keep in touch Actions Greetings Telling stories Mood/Nonverbals Relaxed Cordial Comfortable Playing Joking Describing commenting Cues Convential Topics Daily Routines Special Events Connecting with self & others. Muller, etal 1988

Characteristics of Shop Talk Intention to be Shop Talk Competent Informed Productive Profitable Cooperative Intention to Gather/Give Information Mood Minitor Activities and Schedules Polite Actions Bussiness-Like Describing Cue Words Reporting Routine Who, What, Where, When and How Questions Checking Up Following Up Connecting with self & others. Muller, etal 1988 Matter-of Fact

Style II: Control Talk, Fight Talk, and Spite Talk used to gain agreement or compliance

Characteristics of Control Talk Intentions to be Intention to alk T l o r t Con In Charge Lead Helpful Direct Persuasive Persuade Actions Instruct Directing Instructing Advising Evaluating Cautioning Evaluate Positvely Reinforce Use Legitimate Authorty Gain Agreement/Compliance Selling Cue Words Prescribing You, We, It Pronouns Praising Statements Phased as Questions Mood Energized Authoritative Connecting with self & others. Muller, etal 1988 Set Expections/Limits Imperative (Don‘t, Should, Have to) Superlatives (Always, Never, Super) Assumptions

Intention to Fight Talk Force Change Tense Defend Self Anxious Advoid Responsibility Aggresive Hide Fear or Vulnerability Hostile Intimidate Abusive Bluff Cue Words Compete/Win You – Pronoun Actions Why questions Demanding Characteristics of Fight Talk Intention to be Right Justified Mood Blaming Don‘t Should, Have to Attacking Always, Never, Every Threatening Assumptions Listening Defensively Labels Putting Other Down Sometimes Hurtful Connecting with self & others. Muller, etal 1988

Characteristics of Spite Talk Actions Intention to be Noticed Sniping Pitied Sulking Seen as hepless Spite Talk Withholding Delaying Uncooperative Denying Intention to Placating Get even Complaining Make other feel guilty Gossiping Protect self Mood Thwart change Low energy Cover hurt Resentful Indifferent Disengaged Defiant Cynical Hopeless Connecting with self & others. Muller, etal 1988 Angry silence Excusing Putting self down Cue Words They, No one Never, Every

Style III: Search Talk -- used to get an overview of the situation in past, present, and future

Characteristics of Search Talk Intention to be Mood Insightful Calm Rational Expansive Safe Intention to Tentative Search Talk Cue words Past or future orientation Clarify situations Search for causes Evaluate alternatives Seek or listen to advice Open Questions Actions Maybe, Perhaps Exploring Could, Might Brainstorming Possibly, Probably Reflecting Wonder, Suppose Analyzing What if Elaborating Why (with no blame) Reasoning Connecting with self & others. Muller, etal 1988 Supportive Intellectual Gain overview or insight Generate options Inquisitive

Style IV: Straight Talk -- used to demonstrate a commitment to speak from both your head and heart to deal completely and congruently with the issue

Characteristics of Straight Talk Intention to be Intention to Open Disclose Aware Atune Direct Act on ²What is“ Responsible Connect, not Honest Control Assertive Responsive Straight Talk Count self and Other Respectful Care Tactful Collaborate Actions Observing Cue Words Mood ²I² Pronouns Feelings Listening ²Now Orentation² Orientation Understandin g Attentive Will (Future action) Responding Sharing Disclosing Wants Involved Serious Centered Relieving Connecting with self & others. Muller, etal 1988