EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY SPIRITUALITY SLOWING DOWN TO BE WITH

EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY SPIRITUALITY: SLOWING DOWN TO BE WITH GOD Pete Scazzero North Central District Evangelical Free www. emotionallyhealthy. org April 19 -20, 2010

SESSION 1 INTRODUCTION AND LEADERSHIP IN THE NEW FAMILY OF JESUS

I. Our Journey of Four Conversions

Becoming a Christian - Our Story

Iceberg Model What Lies Beneath The Surface

B. Emotional Health: Conversion Two Emotional Health and Spiritual Maturity are Inseparable It is not possible to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature.

Different Parts/Components of Who We Are

C. Contemplative Spirituality: Conversion Three As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" "Martha, " the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her. “ (Luke 10: 38 -42)

Balancing Activity and Contemplation Martha – Active, working for Jesus, but missing Him. Mary – Sitting at the Lord’s feet in contemplation Knowing Jesus, being with Jesus.

Activity Contemplation (Being w/ God) Your Life

Contemplation Activity (Being w/ God) Your Life

D. Slowing Down to Lead with Integrity: Conversion Four

Hard Lessons Learned Integrity: With God With Yourself With Your Marriage With Your Leadership

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Components CONTEMPLATIVE EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY SPIRITUALITY DISCIPLESHIP (SLOW DOWN TO BE WITH GOD) EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY LEADERSHIP EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY SKILLS EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY MARRIAGES (AND SEXUALITY)

SESSION 2 GOING BACK IN ORDER TO GO FORWARD

Joseph’s Family Tree Name meaning “fruitful in land of suffering”

Two Biblical Principles A. The Blessing and Sins of Our Families Have Impact Lasting for at Least Three to Four Generations.

Ex. 34: 6 -8 Moses asks to see God’s glory “And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The Lord, the compassionate and gracious God…Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation. Ex. 20: 4 -6 You shall not make for yourself an idol… for I am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments. 2 Kings. 10: 30 Because you have done well in accomplishing what is right in my eyes…, your descendents will sit on my throne in Israel to the fourth generation (Jehu). 2 Sam. 12: 10 (Bathsheba) Now therefore the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.

Two Biblical Principles A. The Blessing and Sins of Our Families Have Impact Lasting for at Least Three to Four Generations. B. Becoming a Christian is to be Birthed into a New Family and a New Culture; Discipleship is the Process of Putting off our Sinful Patterns of our Family of Origin.

Scazzero’s Ariola’s God’s Family

DIED YOUNG Italian Immigrants Love of Music Love of Education Conflicted Marriage No Intimacy Womanizer Abusive Dominant Passive Driven Physically Abusive Absent Conflicted No intimacy Stable Inferiority complex Wasted lives Trapped Emotionally ABANDONED Narcissistic, Emotionally Abusive Clinically depressed “Take care of Me” Emotionally Abandoned, Inferiority Complex Trapped Earthquake Events Fear of Abandonment “Take care of Others” Driven Themes Cousin with Down Syndrome Abandonments Cousin killed in Vietnam 1968 Cut-offs Brother joins Unification Overworking Church (declared dead) Unhappy Marriages _________

UNCLE AUNT Frances Joe Earthquake Events Themes © Pete and Geri Scazzero - February, 2010

Workaholic Physically Abusive Love for Music & Education Conflicted ~ Stable ~ No Intimacy Earthquake Events Themes ___________ ___________ ___________ © Pete and Geri Scazzero - February, 2010

© Pete and Geri Scazzero - February, 2010

Workaholic Physically Abusive Love for Music & Education Conflicted ~ Stable ~ No Intimacy Earthquake Events Themes ___________ ___________ ___________ © Pete and Geri Scazzero - February, 2010

Workaholic Physically Abusive Love for Music & Education Conflicted ~ Stable ~ No Intimacy THE CARETAKER Earthquake Events Cousin with Down Syndrome ______ Cousin killed in Vietnam 1968 ______ Brother joins Unification ______ Church (declared dead) _________________ Themes © Pete and Geri Scazzero - February, 2010 Abandonments ______ Cut-offs ______ Overworking ______ Unhappy Marriages ______________

Groups of 2 -3 Answer questions 8 and 9 (on page 6) from constructing your genogram sheet.

Applications: Going Back to Go Forward 1. Become Aware of Your Family Commandments Are you living in your “father’s” house or your “Father’s” house?

Applications: Going Back to Go Forward 1. Awareness of Your Family Commandments 2. Experience the Transforming Power of the Gospel

Gospel vs. Legalism Gospel Works Righteousness 1. We believe 2. Christ accepts us totally, absolutely 3. We obey 1. We believe 2. We obey 3. Christ accepts us totally, absolutely

The Gospel • God treats you as if you have done everything Jesus has done • God loves you the way He loves Jesus • God is the same today, yesterday, and 100 million years from now • Gospel is to rely on Christ’s record for your relationship with God

Sample Scripts from Our Family of Origin Don’t be you. You’ll never amount to anything. Don’t make mistakes. Be quiet and obey. Don’t assert yourself. Don’t ask for what you want or need. Don’t feel. Don’t trust. Don’t be weak or vulnerable.

God’s New Script for Us It is good that you exist. You are loveable. You are good enough. You are a joy. You have nothing left to prove. Your needs are a delight. You are allowed to make mistakes.

Applications: Going Back to Go Forward 3. The Process of Going Back to Go Forward Never Ends.

Applications: Going Back to Go Forward 4. New Skills are Needed to Create Healthy Church Community

Applications: Going Back to Go Forward 5. Be Aware of Emotional Triggers and Allergies An emotional allergy is a reaction to something in the present that reminds us of something similar to the past.

• 5 a Your Church and Denomination has a Genogram

6. Differentiation and Personal Integrity A. Working Definition: Remaining connected to people and yet not having your reaction or behavior determined by them. My primary task, like Jesus, is to calmly differentiate my “true self” from the demands and voices around me, discerning the desires, vision, pace, and mission the Father has given me.

B. Differentiation Scale 0……. … 25……. . . … 50……. …. 75…. . 100

C. Four Qualities of Differentiation • Clear sense of self in close proximity to others • Self-regulate anxiety and self-soothe hurts • Non-reactive to others’ anxieties • Tolerate discomfort for growth

Applications of Differentiation 1. Good Leadership – Thinking Clearly, Value Driven 2. Anxiety/Need for “Other Validation” = No Leadership

Applications of Differentiation 1. Good Leadership – Thinking Clearly, Value Driven 2. Anxiety/Need for “Other Validation” = No Leadership 3. Differentiation at Home and at Church are Closely Related

SESSION 3 CONTEMPLATIVE SPIRITUALITY: SLOWING DOWN TO BE WITH GOD

Present Day Reality of Many in Our Churches: • Living off others’ spirituality (no time) • Life on the run • Scattered, fragmented, un-centered, overloaded, distracted • Mostly head not heart experience of Jesus • A one-inch-deep spirituality • Not really praying very much • Not very intentional in pursuing Jesus • State of partial inattention • Exhausted • Marked by Frenzied Busyness

Activity Contemplation (Being w/ God) Your Life

Contemplation Activity (Being w/ God) Your Life

Protestant Churches Martin Luther’s Reformation Begins 1517 New Testament Era h hurc Seven Ecumenical Councils ONE HOLY CATHOLIC AND APOSTOLIC CHURCH 33 Pentecost Church of England 1529 325 1 st Ecumenical Council and the Nicene Creed lic C atho an C Rom Orthodox Church 1054 Great Schism Of East and West Adapted from “Becoming Orthodox: A Journey to the Ancient Christian Faith, Gillepsie

2. The Desert Fathers for Today

1. The Daily Office (Fixed Hour Prayer) OFFICES (opus) = work of God -- My work in life first is to seek God. Ps. 27: 4

David Seven times a day do I praise you. Ps. 119: 164 It is good to praise the Lord… To proclaim your love in the morning, And your faithfulness at night. Ps. 92: 2 Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress And he hears my voice. Ps. 55: 17

Daniel “Daniel went home to his upstairs room where the windows opened toward Jerusalem. Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to God, just as he had done before. ” Dan. 6: 10

2. Sabbath = to stop for a 24 -hour period each week

Ten Commandments (Ex. 20) 1. 2. 3. 4. You shall have no other gods before me You shall not make for yourself an idol. You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God. Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord our God. On it you shall not do any work, . . . For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy” 5. Honor your father and your mother. 6. You shall not murder 7. You shall not commit adultery. 8. You shall not steal. 9. You shall not give false witness. 10. You shall not covet.

Receive the Gift of Sabbath – ( Hebrew: SHABAT) • stop • rest • delight • contemplate for a 24 -hour period each week.

4 Qualities to Biblical Sabbath: 1. Stop 2. Rest

4 Qualities to Biblical Sabbath: Stopping Resting from: • • • work hurry multitasking anxiety/worry catching up errands “have to’s” and “shoulds”

4 Qualities to Biblical Sabbath: 1. Stop 2. Rest 3. Delight

4 Qualities to Biblical Sabbath: 1. Stop 2. Rest 3. Delight 4. Contemplate

some of our Sabbath Resources… This and more available on our website, book table, & in the Shell Room

Small Groups 1. What questions am I holding? 2. Decide on a possible 24 -hour period each week. 3. Reflect on the following questions: a. What do I need to stop that relates to my work—paid and unpaid? b. What activities create rest and delight for me? c. How can I structure a Sabbath to help me see God’s goodness and miracles all around me?

FAQ’s How do I go about deciding what specific activities are acceptable and unacceptable on the Sabbath? Isn’t Jesus our Sabbath-rest? Is this another worksrighteousness? How do I cease from the work of parenting? What do I about my children who aren’t interested in Sabbath? What about sports and extra-curricular activities your children may be involved in? What do I do about my tendency to perfectionism?

Developing Your Own Personal Rule of Life

“RULE” of LIFE from Greek word “TRELLIS” a framework or structure to help enable us continually to pay attention to God

RULE OF LIFE

RULE OF LIFE PRAYER e. g. Sabbath Church Retreats Offices (Major and Minor Offices)

THE BLIZZARD…. .

PRAYER • • Scripture Silence and Solitude Daily Office Study REST Sabbath Simplicity Play and Recreation ACTIVITY Service and Mission Care for the Physical Body • • • RELATIONSHIPS Emotional Health Family Community (companions for your journey) • •

Complete the following…. As a result of our time together, I am beginning to realize….

D. Final Applications 1. Pastoral Staff Rule of Life 2. New Life Fellowship Rule of Life 3. Adjusting to Make Space for God, Ourselves and Our Marriages

SESSION 4 EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY SKILLS TO CREATE NEW CULTURE

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Components CONTEMPLATIVE EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY SPIRITUALITY FORMATION (SLOW DOWN TO BE WITH GOD) EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY LEADERSHIP EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY SKILLS EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY MARRIAGES (AND SEXUALITY)

Stop Mind Reading 1. Reflect on something you suspect the other person thinks or feels but hasn’t told you, 2. Ask permission: “Do I have permission to read your mind? ” 3. “I think you think…. ” “Is this correct? ” 4. Listener responds 5. Closure

Expectations for a Pastor 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. Preach great sermons every Sunday Be a great administrator Visit the sick and needy Should know about every person’s hardship in church Have a great marriage and children who love Jesus Competent in handling money, pastoring, teaching, counseling, administration, buildings, etc. Be a visionary leader Identifies, equips, and leads a growing staff in a growing church Be perfect (e. g. , strong but tender) Live on less money than the rest of the church Never get depressed or angry or struggle with doubts. Be accessible a lot Have spouse that is super-supportive Return every phone call and e-mail Attend members’ families’ important events (funerals, parties, etc. )

Problem 1. Unrealistic 2. Unconscious 3. Unspoken 4. Un “agreed upon”

1. Realistic Expectations Must Be: 2. Conscious 3. Spoken 4. “Agreed upon” Expectations are Only Valid When They Have Been Mutually Agreed Upon

SESSION 5 EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY LEADERSHIP

Emotionally Healthy Leadership A. Dual Relationships B. Hiring/Firing C. Strategic Planning and Waiting on God D. Preaching/Teaching and Integrity

Emotionally Healthy Leadership E. Leadership and the Marriage Vow F. Social Media and Remaining Rooted in the Ancient Church G. The Gift of Limits H. Growing Beyond our Tradition to Learn from Others in the Family

Protestant Churches Martin Luther’s Reformation Begins 1517 New Testament Era h hurc Seven Ecumenical Councils ONE HOLY CATHOLIC AND APOSTOLIC CHURCH 33 Pentecost Church of England 1529 325 1 st Ecumenical Council and the Nicene Creed lic C atho an C Rom Orthodox Church 1054 Great Schism Of East and West Adapted from “Becoming Orthodox: A Journey to the Ancient Christian Faith, Gillepsie

The Critical Issue of Integrity Critical Issues Your Integrity 1. With God 2. With Yourself 3. With Your Marriage (if applicable)

The Critical Issue of Integrity Critical Issues Your Integrity 1. With God 2. With Yourself 3. With Your Marriage (if applicable) 4. With Your Leadership

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Components CONTEMPLATIVE EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY SPIRITUALITY FORMATION (SLOW DOWN TO BE WITH GOD) EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY LEADERSHIP EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY SKILLS EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY MARRIAGES (AND SEXUALITY)

Next Steps 1. Begin the Journey and Engage the Message 2. Process with Others in Small Group (DVD and Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Workbook) 3. Invite the Wider Church to Begin the Journey (Church-Wide Initiative) 4. Visit the website - further resources: www. emotionallyhealthy. org Join the mailing list/blog

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Pastor/Leader Life Cycle Begin the Journey Read EHC, EHS I Quit Deeper Integration of EHS/ Rule of Life into the Church (Begin the Journey) Church-wide Initiative Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Small Group w/ Leaders Slower Healthier Life/ New Skills

RULE OF LIFE

RULE OF LIFE PRAYER Sabbath Church Retreats Offices (Major and Minor Offices) MAJOR OFFICE