Emotional Dependency Sue Bohlin Probe Ministries www probe

Emotional Dependency Sue Bohlin Probe Ministries www. probe. org Living Hope Ministries www. livehope. org Suebohlin. com

What is Emotional Dependency? • When the ongoing presence and/or nurturing of another is believed necessary for personal security • One or both people are looking to a person to meet their basic needs for love and security, rather than to God (relational idolatry) • Desperate neediness of the other • Warping of the true feminine: to respond, nurture and support • “Giant sucking funnels” –Ricky Chelette

“Can’t Smile Without You” Barry Manilow You know I can't smile without You, I can't smile without you, I can't laugh and I can't sing, I'm findin' it hard to do anything. You see, I feel sad when you're sad, I feel glad when you're glad, If You only knew what I'm going through, I just can't smile without you.

Characteristics of ED • “Bent at the fall” • Jealousy, possessiveness, and a desire for exclusiveness: other people are a threat • Desire to spend time alone with the other, getting frustrated when it doesn’t happen • Irrational anger or depression when the other withdraws slightly • Romantic or sexual feelings leading to

Janelle Hallman “Emotional Dependency is when a woman posits her identity and wellbeing in another woman. So she says, unconsciously, ‘My wellbeing depends on my connection with you. If our connection or relationship is constant, warm, secure and loving, I feel OK. If the connection is threatened in any way, I am in crisis. I am not OK. ’

“I want you to hear these words at a different level. Consider a little baby. A little baby can say these words: ‘If my connection with you, mom, is threatened in any way, I am in crisis. If I'm separated from you, I may even die. ’ That's what's coming out in these relationships--an incredible need to feel this warm attachment and connection.

“It's not about sex for the women. The women just want to be held. They want to rest in another woman's arms; they want to suckle at a breast. They want to gaze into the eyes of a woman like a baby would her mother. Now naturally, these kinds of behaviors become sexual for adult women. But it's not about sex, and most of my clients say, ‘I don't CARE about the sex! I just want to be held, and I don't want to be alone. ’

“However, in these relationships you can imagine the volatility and the ups and downs, because no human being can provide a totally safe, secure, warm connection all the time. So what happens in these relationships is, as those threats emerge, a woman will actually begin to panic: ‘I'm losing you. I'm losing this connection. ’

“So they'll hold on even tighter, and what happens is, the other woman begins to feel suffocated. And she has to back away, and then that causes the other one to panic more. To the point where one of the women finally leaves the relationship. The remaining woman is in a state of absolute isolation and loneliness, and a place of panic.

“It is going to be incredibly hard to end a lesbian relationship. It will feel like death. There is something emotional that probably reaches close to death. It will take time. There will be falls. It will be a long process, and they need compassion and support and understanding. ”

Characteristics of ED • Preoccupation with the other’s appearance, personality, problems and interests • Unwilling to make short- or longrange plans that don’t include the other • Defensiveness about the relationship when asked

• Inappropriate physical affection • Referring frequently to the other in conversation, feeling free to speak for the other • Exhibiting an intimacy and familiarity with the other that makes others feel uncomfortable or embarrassed

Healthy vs. Dependent Friendships Free and generous Mutual stagnation Ready to “open the circle” to others Ingrown Experiences joy when one’s friend hits it off with others Threatened by outside relationships Wants to see the other grow, developing new interests and skills Limits personal growth

One is affected by the things others say and do, but the reaction is balanced. A casual remark from the one can send the other into the heights of ecstasy or the pits of grief. If a close friend moves away, one feels sorrow and loss. If one of the partners moves away, the other is gripped with panic, anguish and desperation. Joyful, healing, upbuilding Bondage

Manipulation: The Glue of ED • Finances: combining finances and personal possessions, moving in together • Gifts: giving gifts and cards regularly for no special occasion, such as flowers, jewelry, baked goods, and gifts symbolic of the relationship • Clothes: adopting the same style, wearing each other’s clothes • Romanticism: using poetry, music or other romanticisms to provoke an emotional response

• Helplessness: creating or exaggerating problems to gain attention and sympathy • Guilt: making the other feel guilty over unmet expectations • Threats: of withdrawing, of leaving the relationship, of suicide • Stonewalling: pouting, brooding, cold silences (“What’s wrong? ” “Nothing”) • Provoking insecurity: withholding approval, picking on the partner’s weak points

Good News! • Emotional dependency is healthy in our relationship with God. • Desperate neediness is healthy in our relationship with God. • People with a history of ED already know one part of relating in a healthy way to God!