Embodied absence Using daily diaries in research on

Embodied absence Using daily diaries in research on post-separation fathering Dr Jacqui Gabb, The Open University jacqui. gabb@open. ac. uk Professor Brid Featherstone, The Open University brigid. fatherstone@open. ac. uk Dr Esther Dermott, University of Bristol esther. dermott@bristol. ac. uk Sandy Ruxton SG 110454

Post-separation fathering, in context Headline stats… • 130, 000 +/- couples divorce every year (ONS 2011) • Most couples who divorce have either one or two children (ONS 2012) • Increasing number of policy initiatives and green papers on how to tackle the ‘problem’ • Temporariness of relationship commitments and ‘family breakdown’ have been linked to increased ‘fatherlessness’ • However… post-separation, many men are sustaining parent-child relationships and doing ‘intimate fatherhood’ in a variety of ways

Fragile Fathering: negotiating intimacy and risk in parenting practice British Academy funded pilot project (SG 110454), 2011 -2013 The project is exploring: • how non-resident fathers maintain physical and emotional contact with children • paternal anxieties around the potentially significant factors of residence, legal status and contact • the ways that paternal experience is shaped by ideas of risk in the context of social policies, legislation and regulation, and popular media debates

Research methods • Methodological creativity has proven to be particularly useful in analysing family lives and everyday practices of intimacy (Gabb 2008) • Methods deployed allow us to interrogate everyday sequences of fathering activities and what men ‘count’ as parenting • Diaries (completed over one week) designed to shed light on the shape and routines of parent-child interactions • Semi-structured interviews allowed for the opportunity to critically engage with ideas of good fathering including tensions and constraints in achieving their ideal • Analysis will involve exploring the connections between emotions, experience and perception

Diaries: distinctive kinds of data • Located accounts – completed in situ • Everyday routines – dailyness • Practices – lived experience • Reflexivity – feelings and reflections • Affective currency – private vocabularies

Sample • Purposive sample - 11 participants • Current contact arrangements: 4 50/50; 4 regular contact; 3 irregular/ very limited contact • Length of separation, range 1 -15 years: 3 1 -2 yrs; 2 3 -5 yrs; 3 6 -10 yrs; 3 11 -15 yrs • No of children: 5 one child; 3 two children; 3 three children • Children aged 3 -16 • Fathers aged 32 – 64 • 3 currently unemployed – long-term and short-term • Recruited through contact with a children’s centres, playgroups primary school and snowballing techniques • All reside in the Oxford area

Sample info Name Age Situation Time separated Employment status Professional Number of children Daughter (13) NEIL 60 s Co-parent, 50: 50. Lives close. Divorced. Not repartnered. 5 years IAN 40 s Works largely overseas. When here, children stay 2/3 weekends consecutively. On-going court case over residency issues. 4 years Professional Daughter (9) Daughter (7) DAVE 40 s Separated twice, 1 child with each former partner. Now with 3 rd partner. Regular contact with younger child. No contact with older child. 15 years (partner 1), 5 years (partner 2) Skilled trade Son (14) Son (11) JEFF 40 s Regularly sees children. Children do not currently stay overnight with him. New partner. 1 year Professional Daughter (17) Son (14) Daughter (12) CHRIS 60 s 50: 50 contact. Mother has had another child. Lives close by. 15 years Professional Daughter (16) MARK 50 s Seen child once in last year. Some phone/txt contact. 9 years Ex-partner and child live at distance. She has repartnered. Unemployed Daughter (15) CHARLIE 30 s Supervised contact. Patchy contact. Children live 1 hr away, by bus. 2 years Unemployed (DLA) Son (9) Son (5) Daughter (4) DAN 30 s Regular contact. Phones daily. New partner. 1 year Professional Daughter (3)

Diaries: moments that count Ian: The sun comes out and we all potter in the garden. I cut back the ash tree and the kids help pick up the leaves. I relish the time we have together pottering about like this. Charlie: [Daughter’s] face lights up when she sees that I am there although she often says – in a happily satisfied way – that I’m ‘embarrassing’… Dan: [Daughter] woke in the night as upset about not being with Mummy – ending up sleeping in my bed. Had ordered a pint of milk to come with the milkman which seems to have been the most exciting thing ever and was worth £ 1. 20.

Diaries: rituals, routines, stability Jeff: Friday is my evening to see the children…. After our usual meal of pizza & beans [daughter 1 ] got one of my guitars out & the Beatles song book & started playing some songs. I got my other guitar and joined in & the whole thing became a sing-along that lasted for quite a while. [Daughter 2] joined in, looking up the words on her phone… Neil: Did food shopping during the day – we have a fairly repetitious menu of things that I know [daughter] likes… When we are together, we always eat the same food together at the same time, always have done – even when we have my friends of hers round.

Diaries: growing up and change Neil: Made the early tea to wake [daughter] up. I still miss her the morning ritual of taking my tea along too and sitting on her bed reading to her as she woke up – a ritual from which I was banned about 9 months ago, very suddenly – gently but firmly. All part of her putting distance between us or rather asserting her capability and independence… [While she’s staying with friend] I know she won’t call or text unless she needs something – and I shouldn’t call her unless I need to. But I do think of her often/occasionally during the day, even though I know that on the whole I really don’t exist for her when she’s not with me. In the evening I begin slowly/gradually to focus on planning what I need to do for tomorrow when she will come home again.

Challenges and changes encountered: • Children growing up – infancy, teenagers, young adults • Housing – moving house, temporary housing, homelessness • Employment – work-life balance • Health – sickness, mental health, addiction • Relationships – re-partnering, step-parenting

Diaries: loss and emptiness Dave: I can’t help feeling pain for him. I love him so much it hurts. I do miss him. I see him every day. It’s still hard. Chris: Now I’m back at home, to an empty house without [daughter]… that was always the worst thing, coming back to the house after having [daughter] with me for a weekend… My evening was spent cleaning the house (well, parts of it), washing up the watching football on TV. I go into [daughter’s] bedroom, have a look round and miss her terribly.

Diaries: longing and sadness Charlie: When I woke up I started thinking about no sound because my kids are not with me and I didn’t get out of bed for an hour. Later that day I went round to my sisters and my niece asked me about my little girl and all I wanted to do was cry then before I go to bed I always rub my tattoo with the kids names and say goodnight. Mark: I have seen my daughter once in the last 10 months. Possibly strange and yes I do miss the contact but I don’t miss the sitting in Mc. Donalds or false days – times – must do – etc. Believe this is detrimental… I must think of my daughter at last 30 times a day.

Embodied absence Using daily diaries in research on post-separation fathering Dr Jacqui Gabb, The Open University jacqui. gabb@open. ac. uk Professor Brid Featherstone, The Open University brigid. fatherstone@open. ac. uk Dr Esther Dermott, University of Bristol esther. dermott@bristol. ac. uk Sandy Ruxton SG 110454