Em otio An n C intr oac by

Em otio An n C intr oac by h o i d n Dr u g c t Seb Tin ion da a R Con Nati ae fer ona 17. ence l 3. 1 6.

Why do we need this? Building hope, resilience and emotional regulation for all children and young people and those who support them

What do we all want? Mental health and well being The ‘happier’ child?

What is Emotional Intelligence? The ability to: • identify and understand your own emotions • successfully use emotions during social interactions • use your emotional awareness to guide you when solving problems • deal with frustration and be able to wait to get what you want • keep distress from overwhelming your ability to think • be in control of how and when you express feelings

Why feelings matter – a warm up activity! • Watch the clip ‘are you disrespecting me? ’ • Identify the feelings going on underneath the behaviour for: • 1. the pupil • 2. the teacher • The importance of a meta-emotion philosophy (Gottman 1997).

Emotional Intelligence

Why is emotional intelligence important? • It allows you to have awareness and control over what you do • Results in lower levels of stress, which is associated with better health & stronger immune systems • Enables more satisfying friendships and lasting intimate relationships • You can soothe yourself, and are therefore able to calmly focus, concentrate and think when faced with a challenging situation • Makes you more resilient – change and stress are easier to deal with

How emotional intelligence develops • Influenced by environment and socialisation including parents, sibling relationships, teacher influences, peer relationships and others such as grandparents, carers and childcare workers. • Some children born with more difficult reactive emotional styles. • These children may need more input from parents/carers to teach them to regulate and manage emotional styles

PARENTING STYLE Represents standard strategies that parents use in bringing up their children Evolves over time as the children develop their own personalities moving through life's stages; Is affected by both the parents' and children's temperaments; Is largely based on the influence of one’s own parents and culture.

What is Emotion Coaching and Why is it Important for Families? • John Gottman has written a book on Emotion Coaching (EC) entitled “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child”. EC is a technique that requires emotional awareness and a specific set of listening skills. • It develops “Emotional Intelligence” in young people; a term coined by Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence. • Multiple studies support the finding that one of the most significant predictors of a child’s “success” as an adult is their ability to get along with others; more salient than academic achievements/cognitive ability. • Children who are emotion coached learn to trust their feelings, regulate their own emotions, and solve problems. • These young people are characterized by having high self esteem, they learn well, and have better relationships because they are adept at reading and understanding interpersonal communication cues.

Gottman’s Theory Extension of Dr Haim Ginott’s Work with Children • Much like athletic coaches, emotion-coaching parents teach their children strategies for dealing with life’s ups and downs. • They don’t object to their children’s display of anger, sadness, or fear • Nor do they IGNORE them • Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life and use these emotional moments as opportunities for teaching their children important life lessons and building closer relationships with them.

What does he say? • ‘helping children and young people to understand the different emotions they experience, why they occur and how to handle them’ (Gottman 2007) • How? Training practitioners and parents in emotion coaching so that they can support children’s capacity for pro-social behaviour and emotional self regulation • NB ‘support’ NOT ‘dictate’ – notion of COACH

Emotion coaching is not…. A quick fix A panacea A substitute for specific interventions A therapy (i. e. we can ALL use it and develop our skills) • Disapproving or dismissive of emotions • •

What informs it? • Neuroscience • Physiology of the physicality • Social constructivism • It directly affects CYP’s capacity to self-regulate through the recognition and management of the physiology of emotional response

What happens in and to our bodies? Fight-flight-freeze-appease response • To fear, excitement, and effort – is a NORMAL and NATURAL hormonal response • Short term – essential • Long term - damaging The VAGUS nerve response • Acts as a ‘break’ on bodily functions • Slows down the heart beat and helps to return the system to NORMAL

VAGAL TONE – is how well our fight/flight response and vagus nerve are BALANCED and WORK TOGETHER Good vagal tone Poor vagal tone • Faster responses • • Faster information • processing • • Better concentration • • Return more easily to normal resting state Less speedy responses Poorer processing Poorer concentration Difficulties in returning to normal resting state

Vagal tone activated by… • • • Soothing Compassion Physical comfort EMPATHY Relationships teach us to SELF SOOTHE The environment AND genetics contribute to our vagal tone

How can we help those with less developed vagal tone/EL? • Neurological resilience to self-soothe is FOSTERED by the emotional climate in the home and classroom

Emotion Coaching involves: • Teaching them ‘in the moment’ about the world of emotion • Supporting the development of strategies to deal with ups and downs • Accepting ALL emotions as NORMAL • Using moments of negative behaviour as opportunities for teaching • Building trusting and respectful relationship with CYP

Anticipated Outcomes for Young People who are Emotion Coached • John Gottman of Washington and the Gottman Relationship and Research Institute, offers the following as a result of his 10 year longitudinal study of over 100 families: • Develop ability to regulate their own emotional states. • Develop methods to soothe themselves when upset. • Learn to calm down their hearts faster and because of this superior performance in managing this part of their physiology. • Tend to have fewer infectious illnesses. • Better at focusing attention • Enjoy better performance in school and healthier relationships

Five Key Principles for Emotion Coaching • Developing an awareness of child’s emotions • Recognizing emotion as opportunity for teaching and intimacy building • Listening empathetically and validating children’s feelings • Helping the child verbally label emotions • Setting limits while helping the child problem solve

Assessing Your Parenting or teaching Style The path to becoming a better parent or teacher, like almost every road to personal growth and mastery, begins with self examination.

7 Key questions – group discussion task • 1. Did your parents treat sad angry moments as natural occurrences? • 2. Did your parents lend an ear when family members felt unhappy, fearful, or angry? 3. Did your family use times of unhappiness, fear, or anger to show each other support, offer guidance, and help each other solve problems? 4. Was anger always viewed as potentially destructive? If so, what did this teach you about how to handle your anger? Are you taking this same approach with your children? 5. Was fear looked on as cowardly? If so, how did you learn to handle fear? 6. Was sadness seen as self-pity in your family? What ways were you taught to handle sadness? 7. Were sadness, anger and fear shoved under the blanket or dismissed as unproductive, frivolous, dangerous, or self-indulgent? • • •

Your style – quick activity • Make use of the handout and work through the scenarios on page 1 to assess your parenting style 24

3 PARENTING STYLES Diana Baumrind AUTHORITARIAN (parents telling their children exactly what to do); PERMISSIVE/INDULGENT (parents allowing their children to do whatever they wish); AUTHORITATIVE (parents providing rules and guidance without being overbearing); The fourth style was added lately NEGLIGENT (parents disregarding the children, and focusing on other interests).

PARENTING STYLES Diana Baumrind has an interest in the connection between the parental behaviour and the development of instrumental competence (the ability to manipulate the environment to achieve one's goals). The four basic elements could help shape successful parenting: RESPONSIVENESS vs. UN-RESPONSIVENESS; DEMANDING vs. UN-DEMANDING. Parents should develop rules for their children and be affectionate with them. These parenting styles are meant to describe normal variations in parenting, not deviant parenting, such as might be observed in abusive homes. Most parents do not fall neatly in one category, but fall somewhere in the middle, showing characteristics of more than one style.

AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING The parent is demanding and responsive. . called, also, 'assertive democratic or 'balanced' parenting; Is characterised by a child-centred approach that holds high expectations of maturity.

AUTHORITATIVE PARENTS Can understand how their children are feeling and teach them how to regulate their feelings; Help their children to find appropriate outlets to solve problems; Encourage children to be independent but still places controls and limits on their actions; - try to be warm and nurturant toward the child; - are not usually as controlling as authoritarian parents, allowing the child to explore more freely, thus having them make their own decisions based upon their own reasoning.

AUTHORITATIVE PARENTS Will set clear standards for their children, monitor the limits that they set, and also allow children to develop autonomy; Expect mature, independent, and age-appropriate behaviour of children; Set limits and demand maturity, but when punishing a child, the parent will explain his or her motive for their punishment. Discipline for misbehaviour are measured and consistent, not arbitrary or violent; Are attentive to their children’s needs and concerns, and will typically forgive and teach instead of punishing if a child falls short.

AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING Outcomes = children having a higher self esteem and independence This is the most recommended style of parenting by professionals.

AUTHORITARIAN PARENTING The parent is demanding but not responsive. called, also, totalitarian parenting or strict parenting, Is characterised by high expectations of conformity and compliance to parental rules and directions, with little open dialogue between parent and child; Is a restrictive, punitive parenting style.

AUTHORITARIAN PARENTS Expect much of their child, but do not explain the reasoning for the rules or boundaries; Are less responsive to their children’s needs; Demand obedience without explanation and focus on status.

AUTHORITARIAN PARENTS Outcomes = Children may have less social competence In some cultures and ethnic groups (Asian) more positive child outcomes If the demands are pushed too forcefully upon the child, the child may break down, rebel, or run away, even lead to suicidal thoughts.

PERMISSIVE / INDULGENT PARENTING The parent is responsive but not demanding. - called, also, permissive, nondirective or lenient; Is characterised as having few behavioural expectations for the child.

PERMISSIVE / INDULGENT PARENTS Are nurturing and accepting, and are very responsive to the child's needs and wishes; Do not require children to regulate themselves or behave appropriately.

PERMISSIVE / INDULGENT PARENTING Outcomes = Children of permissive parents may tend to be more impulsive, and as adolescents, may engage more in misconduct, and in drug use. Also, in the better cases they are emotionally secure, independent and are willing to learn and accept defeat. They mature quickly and are able to live life without the help of someone else.

NEGLECTFUL PARENTING The parent is neither demanding nor responsive. is also called uninvolved, detached, dismissive or hands-off Neglectful parenting results from a variety of reasons: the parent's prioritising themselves, lack of encouragement on the parent's parts, financial stresses, lack of support and addiction to harmful substances.

NEGLECTFUL PARENTS Are low in warmth and control, are generally not involved in their child's life; Are disengaged, undemanding, low in responsiveness, and do not set limits; Are dismissing the children's emotions and opinions; Are emotionally unsupportive of their children, but will still provide their basic needs;

NEGLECTFUL PARENTING Outcomes = Children develop the sense that other aspects of the parents’ lives are more important than they are. Children often attempt to provide for themselves or halt depending on the parent to get a feeling of being independent and mature beyond their years. They become emotionally withdrawn from social situations (disturbed attachment) and this impacts relationships later on in life. In adolescence, they may show patterns of truancy and delinquency.

OTHER PARENTING STYLES “Family life is our first school for emotional learning” (Daniel Goleman). ”Parents are the first teachers who teach their children about emotional intelligence: some parents are gifted emotional teachers, others atrocious” (Daniel Goleman). According to emotional intelligence concept introduced by Daniel Goleman, John Gottman describes parenting styles using parents’ capabilities to help their children regulate their emotions and desires, to motivate themselves, to be sensitive to others’ needs and be able to cope with life’s stress.

OTHER PARENTING STYLES (Gottman) The key element in parenting is how parents help their children develop emotional intelligence. Emotion Coaching The parent acts like an athletic coach (emotion coaching) Children learn to adjust appropriately in life’s situations, have good manners, are able to identify, evaluate and express properly their emotions

OTHER PARENTING STYLES Emotion Coach According to Gottman, the parent who has the attitude of the emotion coach for the child will raise an emotionally intelligent child. This process takes place in five stages. Parents: 1. Are aware of the child’s emotions 2. Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and reaching 3. Listen empathetically and validate the child’s feelings 4. Help the child verbally label emotions 5. Set limits while helping the child problem-solve.

Five Key Steps to Emotion Coaching 1. Become aware of the child’s emotion and especially notice lower intensity emotions such as sadness, disappointment or frustration. 2. View these emotions as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching and try not to be impatient with expression of negative emotions 3. Communicate your understanding and acceptance of these emotions 4. Help child use words to describe what they feel. 5. Help set limits or help problem solve. You may also communicate that all wishes and feelings are acceptable but some behaviours are not.

The teacher and Nurture leader as emotion coach • • The emotionally literate professional Transfer of skills Empathic and nurturing community Key tools for behaviour management and prevention of difficulties

A 3 stepped approach 1 • Step 1 • Using scripts 2 • Step 2 • Setting limits (if needed) 3 • Step 3 • Problem solving with the child

Step 1 Emotion coaching scripts – empathise, validate and label I noticed you looking I can see that you are round at the others who I can see you get angry frowning and kicking the are working on their when that happens. I wall and you’re projects. I think you would feel angry if that expressing loads of might be feeling a bit happened to me. It’s energy. I would be nervous at the moment normal to feel like that. feeling like that if I didn’t that your work might not want to do something. be okay. Have I got that right?

Step 2 Setting limits on behaviour scripts These are the rules that we all have to follow, doing that is not okay You didn’t put the We can’t behave ball away as we like that – even agreed, you’re though you are probably angry that feeling annoyed – you can’t play with because it’s not Billy now because you have to stop safe now

Step 3 Problem solving with the child/young person scripts This isn’t a safe Next time you’re You need to sit feeling like this, next to Emma or place to be what could you do? angry. Let’s go to How do you think in front of me – a safe place and you will react if this which do you then we can talk happens again? want to do?

Why emotion coaching improves behaviour 1. Emotion coaching is about responding to children when their feelings are still at a low level of intensity, which reduces the need for children to escalate their emotions and behaviour and provides a more optimal time to teach children about emotions. 2. If children are emotion coached from an early age they become well-practiced at self-soothing. They are more likely to stay calm, even when they are experiencing strong emotions.

Why emotion coaching improves behaviour 3. Emotion coaching does not involve disapproval of children’s emotions so there are fewer points of conflict. At the same time, there are clear limits about inappropriate behaviour – children know the rules and the consequences for breaking them. 4. Emotion coaching creates a strong bond between parents/carers/teachers and children, so children are more responsive to their requests and feel respected and valued.

Emotion tuning – part of emotion coaching 1. Notice the emotion 2. Clarify with a question 3. Reflect the emotion 4. Locate the emotion in the body 5. Empathise 6. Explore Eg Were you scared when you couldn’t find me? When Michael ignored you how did you feel? I wonder if you were frustrated when I asked you to share?

Discussion activity • Thinking about your own parents or reflecting on conversations with friends ………………What are some of the ways people can be dismissive of emotions? • Eg Telling you not to worry.

Ways of dismissing emotions Offer advice Ask why a child did or said what they did Tell a child not to worry Talk only about yourself Jump straight into problem solving Take the side of the other person instead of listening to the child’s perspective • Offer distractions • • •

Emotion coaching communication When you emotion coach you attend to the emotions the child experiences. This involves: • Thinking about how the child is probably feeling • Possibly considering a comparable situation for yourself • Helping the child put a verbal label on the feeling.

Emotion coaching communication You may respond by asking: • Did that make you feel _____ when ______? • Were you feeling ______ when _______? • It sounds like that made you feel _____? You may also respond by reflecting how you would feel in a similar situation • That would make me feel ______ too. • It makes me feel ______ when ______ happens also.

Reflecting Feelings Statements It looks like you’re very happy. You seem a bit sad. I can see you are very frustrated. Are you feeling annoyed? It sounds like you were really scared. How did you feel when your toy was taken? • I wonder if you’re a bit annoyed? • I bet that made you pretty grumpy. • • •

Emotion Coaching Empathic Name the Statements = Feeling + Validate the Feeling

Emotion Coaching Can pair comments about negative feelings with positive coping statements E. g. “I can see you’re getting really frustrated when the tower keeps falling over but you keep on trying and hopefully it will stay up eventually. ”

Avoid asking “Why? ” Avoid asking a child why they are feeling a certain way because they will often have no idea or not have the words to describe the reason.

Tantrums • Upstairs tantrum – Child decides to throw a fit – Could stop if they wanted to – Able to control emotions and make decisions – May look out of control – Needs firm boundaries and clear discussion about appropriate and inappropriate behaviour • Downstairs tantrum – No longer able to use upstairs brain because so upset – ‘Flipped their lid’ – amygdala has hijacked higher parts of brain – Needs nurturing, comforting and soothing – No sense talking consequences or appropriate behaviour

Emotion coaching scripts • Look at the examples of responses to trigger situations • Discuss • What would you say? • Is it important to utilise your own style? • Why? • Feedback

Emotion coaching scenarios • You observe Braydon deliberately drawing on Jordan’s picture. Jordan gets angry and hits Braydon. • Ezra comes in from playing outside crying and saying that he’s lost his jumper • Ceris suddenly scribbles all over her drawing and says ‘I can’t draw. I’m so f…. ing stupid’.

Problem solving re your child • Refer to the handout, making use of the steps of emotion coaching problem solving 63

Thank you for listening and References participating Any questions? • Corey, G. (2008). Theory and Practice of Group Counseling (7 th ed. ). Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole.

Resources • Tuning in to Kids – emotionally intelligent parenting program by Sophie Havighurst & Ann Harley (University of Melbourne, 2010) • Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting by John Gottman with Joan Declaire (Fireside Press 1997) • The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson (Delacorte Press 2011) • Bringing Up Great Kids Parenting Program – Australian Childhood Foundation (2011)

If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again If I had my child to raise over again I’d build self esteem first and the house later I’d finger paint more and point the finger less I would do less correcting and more connecting I’d take my eyes off my watch and watch my eyes I would care to know less and know to care more I’d take more hikes and fly more kites I’d stop playing serious and seriously play I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars I’d do more hugging and less tugging I’d see the oak tree in the acorn more often I’d be firm less often and affirm much more I would model less about the love of power And more about the Power of Love Donna Lewis