Eckstein D Sperber M Mc Rae S 2009
Eckstein, D. Sperber, M. , & Mc. Rae, S. (2009). The Family Journal, 17, 256 – 262 Dr. Cyndi H. Matthews
� We are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness �Reinhold Nieburh (Theologian) � There is no love without forgiveness and there is no forgiveness without love �Bryant � To Mc. Gill err is human – to forgive divine �Alexander � Often Pope (poet) comes up in therapy �Regarding self �Regarding other people
� It is NOT condoning, excusing, or forgetting what happened � It is NOT just a catharsis of anger (short term – depression and anxiety continue & can increase) � It is NOT seeking justice nor revenge against partner � It is (usually) NOT a one time event – it is a process
� It is a response to �unfairness of treatment, �or unwarranted resentment from, �or anger from an offender � And the restoration of more positive feelings, thoughts, and behaviors toward that person � And is based on mutual respect of self and other person
� Explore past history of concept � What are your earliest memories – spiritual, educational concepts, religious, suggestions regarding forgiveness? � Consider an experience when someone modeled forgiveness – how did it affect you? � Explore personal history with forgiveness � Remember experiences when you forgave someone – rate yourself and your success on a scale of 1 – 10 � Remember successful experiences forgiving others and when others forgave you – rate self 1 -10 � Focus � Rate on current relationship self forgiving partner 1 -10 � Rate satisfaction with partner forgiving you 1 -10 � Contemplate issues for which you still harbor resentment � Identify issues your partner may have toward you
� 61% individuals choose to forgive for religious reasons �Judaism: Talmud - constant theme throughout �Muslim: Quran/Koran “He who forgiveth is reconciled unto his enemy shall receive his reward from God” �Hindu: Bhagavad Gita “forgiveness … Divine virtue” �Christians: Bible “seven times seventy” �Quakers: recognize God is in everyone, reason to treat self and others with kindness
� Couple interview each other on religious/spiritual relationship to forgiveness in past and now �Begin with family of origin beliefs – did you accept, reject, or modify those beliefs? �Focus on your beliefs regarding forgiveness and your past and current religious beliefs. What inspires you towards forgiveness? �Are there specific rituals, ceremonies, or other ways forgiveness is sought? �What has been your experience in seeking forgiveness? Successful? Unsuccessful?
� Individual’s own self-esteem is a determining factor for being able to forgive � Forgiveness helps increase personal power � Physical Benefits: physical benefits, including removing blockages to peptides and releasing opiate receptors to frontal cortex (experience pleasure) � Meditation and personal prayer have similar effects
� Get yourself in quiet and relaxed state (alone or with partner) – music/candles/nature/quiet place � Be mindful of breathing – conscious of lower abdomen not upper chest � Say: “Compassion and peace” on breath in and “happiness and joy” on breath out � When relaxed say, “I forgive myself for …” for 5 – 10 minutes � Imagine favorite color – let it fill you, say to self “I love to forgive myself and others” � When you feel complete end process by breathing mindfully � Stretch/walk/reflect; write experience down � Repeat if you feel forgiveness lacking � Share with partner if appropriate
� Forgiveness helps people feel part of the relationship again � Helps individuals feel part of a collective unit with interdependence � Increases understanding of consequences of social interactions in relationship � Empathy for other individual crucial in forgiveness � It is a decision to forgive
� Recall the hurt � Empathize with the perpetrator � Give the Altruistic gift of forgiveness � Publicly Commit to forgiveness � Hold on to forgiveness � � Decide whether to reconcile � Discuss reconciliation � Detoxify the relationship � Develop devotion to each other � Worthington (2001) REACH MODEL FOUR “D’S” OF RECONCILATION
� Admit to self my partner hurt me � Become aware of anger � Admit to self I feel shame & humiliation � Realize lost energy by being resentful � Thought over and over about what happened � Realize I am changed by offense � Realize old ways of handling problem not working � Willing to consider � Commit to forgive � forgiveness as option Think of partner in positive terms � Empathize – step into their shoes � Develop compassion; try not to pass � Try to do something nice for person � (ruminate/perseverate) pain on to others Find positive meaning from suffering � Realize I have erred and need to be forgiven � Find support from others as I forgive � Develop new purpose in life with forgiveness
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