Domestic Violence and BDSM Sex TherapyOnline PLLC Rhiannon

Domestic Violence and BDSM Sex. Therapy-Online, PLLC Rhiannon Beauregard, MA, LMFT-S, CST Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist AASECT Certified Sex Therapist Specialist-Problematic Sexual Behavior 1

Agenda for The Morning • 9 am – 9: 15 am: Introduction to Presenter and Attendees ✔� • 9: 15 am – 10: 15 am: Becoming Kink-Aware and Kink-Friendly: Introduction to Kink and BDSM ✔� • 10: 15 am – 10: 30 am: BREAK- Ask questions, use restroom, self-care ✔� • 10: 30 am – 11: 00 am: Domestic Violence and BDSM • 11: 00 am – 12 pm: Working with Kinky Folks in the Therapeutic Setting • 12: 00 pm – 1 pm: Lunch and Demonstration by Domino 2

Relationship between DV and BDSM • The relationship between kink and domestic violence can get really, really fuzzy depending on who you ask. • You don’t have to throw the stone very far to find folks who misunderstand the kink community and might quickly make a judgment that a BDSM relationship is abusive and violent. • You also don’t have to look very far to find someone in the kink community that has had a previous kink relationship that they would define as “abusive” or “violent”. 3

Base Your Judgments on Proven Principles • So this topic can be VERY confusing and very MISUNDERSTOOD. • I would caution everyone to be careful in making a judgment based on your own views of what you THINK you might believe, at the same time provide someone you have concern about with a respectful view of the facts and what you are noticing. 4

CONSENT 5

IS IT SAFE, SANE, and CONSENSUAL (SSC) 6

Is It Safe? • Is it safe? • Attempts should be made to identify and prevent risks to health • How safe is safe enough? • Nothing is COMPLETELY safe… there is risk in everything. 7

Is It Sane? • Activities should be undertaken in a sane and sensible frame of mind • There always issues of subjectivity of sanity due to relativistic things like cultural background 8

Is It Consensual? • All activities should involve the full consent of all parties involved. • Consent should be ongoing. • Consent should be informed and on various levels • Consent is subjective because of lack of knowing everything and always including some level of risk and unknown. 9

Risk Aware Consensual Kink philosophy stems from the idea that every activity has a degree of danger to it and "safe" is best determined by the individual; what one person considers safe, another will not (Switch, 2001). To be risk aware is to understand that the activity or activities you are engaging in carries a degree of danger and potential for unwanted harm and that some of those elements may stray out of your control. Some kinksters draw comparisons between the choice to engage in BDSM and activities such as mountain climbing or sky diving; there is an awareness of possible outcome that is unsafe. 10

Risk Aware Consensual Kink R. A. C. K also takes into account the possibility of playing under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. In many BDSM circles this is not acceptable or allowed at play parties but some people do enjoy the experience. Engaging in kinky activities while under the influence definitely ups the risks of something going awry. It can also dramatically change the experience for the players, particularly if one person remains sober. If you choose to play while you or your partner are under the influence, be sure you are aware of any extra risks drugs can add to the body's responses to BDSM. • 11

Risk Aware Consensual Kink The rest of this mantra focuses on consent and ethics. Consent is the most important part of building a trusting relationship with your partner. It ensures that both parties are respected and feel valued. It is also a keystone difference between healthy relationships and those that are abusive. 12

Three C’s of of Kink and Safety • Consent • Community • Contracting 13

CONSENT • The number one rule of a kink relationship is CONSENT. That consenting adults who agree to some terms and limits (see contracts) who continuously review consent can kind of do what they want and express themselves how they chose to. • Domestic violence is inherently non-consensual. 14

COMMUNITY • Another very safe concept in BDSM/Kink is COMMUNITY. The BDSM community is often a great checks and balances to its own members and the acts of its members. • Education, support, training, and mentorship is available within the community. 15

CONTRACTING • CONTRACTS are another great way that people in the kink community ensure that their lifestyle avoids some of the vulnerabilities of domestic violence. • Contracts should be written and signed and revisited and can be a therapeutic tool to use with clients. 16

SOURCE https: //carasresearch. org/: 17

Domestic Violence vs. BDSM • Domestic violence is a PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR that is used to attempt to control, manipulate, or demean an intimate partner using tactics such as physical and emotional abuse, intimidation, economic abuse, and reproductive coercion. • It is obviously different from a consensual relationship between two adults that might have aspects of manipulation, control, humiliation, and demeaning behaviors and acts based on erotic play. 18

Domestic Violence • In domestic violence, the abusive partner may use coercion, intimidation, emotional abuse, threats, isolation, economic abuse and/or the children to control his or her partner. He or she also minimizes, denies, and blames the partner for their own behavior. The core issue for the abuser is to be in control of the relationship in order to have his or her needs met. If the aforementioned tactics don’t work, then the abuser enforces their threats with physical and/or sexual violence. 19

Kink • In a kink relationship, the roles of the partners are pre-established and communicated as well as regularly re-evaluated. Control may be a mechanism of erotic play, but also may be fluid between both partners based on their communication and contracting agreement. 20

RESOURCES • Domestic violence is a COMPLEX situation, and so is kink. If you think you might be a victim of domestic violence, regardless if you are in a kink relationship or not, get yourself to a safe place and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1 -800 -799 -7233 | 1 -800 -787 -3224 (TTY). They also have live chat feature on their website. 21

RESOURCES • If you aren’t sure about something, check in with your community and let them know your concerns. A good way of checks and balances in the kink lifestyle is talking to others about what you are feeling and going through. • Another great way is to check in is with a kink-knowledgeable therapist also for feedback on how to handle situations. • Domestic Violence happens in secrecy and isolation, using communication and community will help prevent victimization. 22

Any Questions? 23

Contact Rhiannon C. Beauregard, MA, LMFT-S, CST, S-PSB Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York, & Texas www. Sex. Therapy-Online. com rhiannon@sextherapy-online. com rhiannon. c. beauregard@gmail. com Phone: 603. 770. 5099 Phone: 512. 765. 4741 Fax: 888. 288. 8495 Follow me on Facebook: @Rhiannon. Beauregard. CST Watch my You. Tube Channel: Rhiannon@Sex. Therapy-Online. com 24